Day 337- journey to un'goro

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Journey to Ungoro is the new card exspansion for hearthstone, the card game that I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself in my head compulsively that I'm probably going to spend way too much time then I'm supposed to on the new exspansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predict that I'll spend too much time on the new exspansion because that's how I know I'm programmed in postponing and excess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm painting my own mental character picture of what will happen instead of making a decesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that wasting more time on the new cards in my card game I play is just what will inevitably happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not own my decesion where if I am going to spend more time then I'm​ supposed to on the new exspansion of the game I play then I need to own that decesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself names in spite like being lazy instead of just opening my decesion and accepting the consquences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life has come to when I am easily possissing myself over video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that there's a lot moving behind the scenes that I'm not aware of that my actions are something I don't take hardly any responsability for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being possessed by how excited I am that the new cards will make the game more fun again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how possessed I've been by the other exspansion that have come out for the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my entire life based around video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play too much videos games and not develop some better skills because I feel disemfranchised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having to fight myself so much over a card game when games make tons of money and are designed to be engaging and possessive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that games and playing and fun is part of life.

When and as I see myself fearing not wanting to have to put in all the work to deal with the new cards being released for the card game I like, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I either put in the work to adress my addiction, or I remain limited by happy, thus, I commit myself to find out who I am within being limited and being happy.

I'm limited to not being my best I can be if I don't sort out my addiction to games and media, but I don't care because I'm happy...

Who am I in not caring? If I don't care then... Something happens.

Care is like car, I'm driven by what I care about.

If I care then I am moved, I move mysked because I care.

If I don't care what happens, then I act robotically... And play too many games and then suffer at work because I got too high off game in my free time and then get low and stressed at work.

So I do care about not being stressed and low at work or school... But I forget that I care...

When i access my automatic time to play games and watch media character is because I lose grip on the things I care about.

I'm afarid to truly hold onto the things I care about.

I'm ashamed of how much I can care.

I'm embarrassed by how much I can care about the things that matter to me.

I'm confused by the things that I drive myself to care about.

Things get confusing and then I forget and just focus on games and media like another part of myself.

I'll have to have more time to sort things out, but I'm also happy about how things are going so...

Just keep writing speaking self forgviness, because I've tested all other avenues and I don't have any more time to waste on anything else at all. So I have to go all in with self forgviness.

Thanks.

Day 336- hearthstone

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to watch hearthstone card game videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use hearthstone as a point that I then use to watch other videos/games when there's more important things to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play hearthstone and watch it without seeing the obvious mind/brainwashing in hearthstone as in hearth heart fire warmth stone stable grounded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be torn between the warmth of self forgviness and the warmth of playing and watching hearthstone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel comfortable and at home in myself by playing hearthstone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word hearth as fire as lighting my own fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see all the other hearthstone players playing hearthstone tournamnets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not seeing all of my hearthstone friends where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to positively attach myself to the hearthstone players that I like to watch and see because they make me feel at home because I assossiate them with the game itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all this comfort and hominess around hearthstone where I need to generate my own hominess in myself in living word in my expression in each breathe because if I need that then I need to be able to make it own my own without games so I can focus on what needs to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience love toward hearthstone in desperation as clinging on as a last ditch effort to hold onto hearthstone as a crutch in my life and development.

When and as I see myself desiring to play/watch/think about hearthstone, I stop, I breathe, I realize that hearthstone as to me being the hearth/fire and groundedness that I desire in myself is soemthing that needs to either support me or go away, thus, I commit myself to breathe and be aware when hearthstone is something I want to do more then I'm supposed to in seeing that it's a gateway drug to playing other games and messing around with other things on the internet that waste my time and focus.

Day 335- skyrim

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I used to play this game, I regret playing this game and other games so much.

I regret getting lost in this game so much, particular this game, because of how immesrive it is, it was like to hide in this fantasy world was equal to what I was creating within myself.

I didn't realize the same potential for myself as I did when I would play games like this on end.

There's all the fantasy characters and monsters and it all looks real, and it makes me wonder how far virtual reality and these kind of fantasy games are actually going to go.

I could go into detail of the game but really it's just the best reference I have for how consumed in a fantasy world I can get in games just because of how fleshed out and exspensive the world in the game is.

So it's not so much to go into depth about the game but what the game reflects on me and my desires to live in fantasy in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret going through all the dungeons in Skyrim and not questioning what I would do with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so immersed in this game and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the reality of my life and what was unfolding for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret I could have made a better life for myself instead of hiding away in games while I was hiding away in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my actions in getting lost in fantasy games as equal to what I was living and creating in my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself how I've gotten lost in fantasy games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in stepping out of the fantasies of my mind is equal in having the strength to step away from games and apply myself to improve my quality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame games for entrapping me where it's my very person who's always been consumed by illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wasting time where everything I've done in my life has put me into the position I'm in now to sort things out within myself for real.

When and as I see myself blaming myself for wasting time on fantasy games, I stop, I breathe, I realize that such games and who I was within playing them was a reflection of who I am in living a fantasy detached from what's really happening, thus, I commit myself to support myself to work with who I have become within fantasy in seeing the real impact I've created on myself through my detachment and to remember how I spend my time and who I am within what I do leaves in impact on myself and what my life will become.

Day 336- nothing is enough

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more intamacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more followers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more liberty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more of everything I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry nothing can ever satisfy my hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume information until I'm in pain and still desire more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish to the point of self destruction.

When and as I see myself desiring something, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can never have what I desire, there will never be enough, thus, I commit myself to face what I've seperated myself from through desire and to live the correction as standing equal to what I desire stopping the sepertation and thus the desire to possess.

Day 334- time flying by

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When I think about what I've accomplished over the years it makes it seem like times gone by fast.

It's scary to think about how much I've let time slip by hiding behind distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into terror in reactions to how I've let time fly by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for letting time pass me by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shocked that I let this happen when I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I let myself get dupped in wasting time on pointless stuff that wasted my time and weakend my fire to move and take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an ideal of myself that I've always desired to become but never found myself seeing it through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I wasted so much time when who I wanted to be and what it would take was right in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I got caught up in things that have diminished me as the energy and toys I play with in my mind and in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how weakened I am to move forward and become the person I'd like to be compared to how much stronger I could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that I let fear and distraction waste my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become afraid and disorianted due to my wasting of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that it's too late because I don't want to accept responsability for how I've let myself be distracted for so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to justify how I've wasted so much time as 'finding myself'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time finding myself when I knew what needed to be done and there was nothing to be found but what I already knew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified that I can't believe I wasted so much time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing how easily I slipped away even though I had presented to me everything I needed to reach my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to see in self honesty if I had what it would have taken to reach my utmost potential from years ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold one moment of seeing my utmost potential against myself for not pursing it as far as I could have gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking my whole life in a certain direction based off only one moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking a single moment and memory and using it to see my entire way through life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self hoensty that my life consisted more then just one memory and that I idolize one memory of myself and supress everything else entirely.

When and as I see myself comparing my potential I realize now to a single memory of realizing that potential in the past, I stop, I breathe, I realize that in idolizing one memory of seeing my potential I supress how I was already very busy destroying myself and any potential I could have had in time, thus, I commit myself to see who i and and where I am within myself as a collection of many different moments and decesions and not defined by a single experience that I expected myself to take all the way through my entire life.

I commit myself to make good use of my time on earth and not expect things to just sort themselves out in time.

Day 333- agression and attention

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I don't like to be described that way, as an attention whore, I feel like it's very rude and doesn't reflect the reality I experience.

If I heard anyone else say that I could see situations where I'd step in and say that's not appropriate, or I might just listen and try to understand, but that's a very agressive way to describe someone, that's very mean in some context to me.

If someone was famous then I would be more likely to agree with calling them a name like that, where I hold people in what I see as higher position of authority and power to a higher expectations.

I don't like to call myself out like that or be assossiate with that phrase, in reality I can be slandering people in my own mind without a second thought, and for the sake of putting myself into those words I accept it not as to be spiteful towards myself but to bring up a part of myself that is something I'm losing touch with every day.

There's a disconnect growing inside of me.

A disconnect from myself.

A dissasoation

A distancing from some crucial part of myself.

The more and more I see parts of myself that aren't really me, the more this experience of speration grows, a desperation to find 'who I am'.

A character emerging in response to a loss of character.

A desperate character that needs attention to exsist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give attention to who I am within everything within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters in the space where I feel I've lost my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everything I experience define my character and define who I am without question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking an agressive stand within myself with who I am and what I allow as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supressing myself where I see I can take an agressive stance with myself and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to pay attention to who I am and what I'm creating through my own mind losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not resolving everything I can within myself before taking an agressive stance living the words agressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace this agression stepping up within me where I judge agression and don't see it as what it can be lived as a word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking an agressive stance within myself when I see myself just letting my mind roll over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making things even worse by taking an agressive stance, breathing, asserting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being agressive towards other's where I need to just be agressive with myself and what I allow of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to my agressive nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be agressive out of emotion and feeling instead of just standing in agression as a living word.

When and as I see myself experienceing a disconnect from myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that where I'm disconnected I'd where I can agreasively reassert myself, thus, I commit myself to live and Redefine agression as assertively taking a stand within and as myself.

If I see someone wanting to hurt someone then I could agreasively take a stand against that within myself by taking action to remove myself from the situation or stopping the person if ever in that scenario.

I can be agressive with myself and make it clear who I am in what I do and say.

Agreasively be self honest about things I've supressed or am struggling with.

Agreasively breathe, agreasively be here in each breathe.

Agressively take into account everything that comes up within me in each breathe.

Day 332- stuck in the mud

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I have things moving in me.

thoughts I'm working on, not that bad.

Physically developing really good.

Some pain, not a big deal.

I'm thinking, I need to keep moving myself to keep my life moving, whatever however, just need to keep moving.

But I desire to just be still.

Everything is nicely situated, internally things can be a little wild, but what matters is that I keep moving.

I'm afraid to keep moving, but I see consequences for just laying around doing nothing, better to go out and mess up, make mistakes then to just keep sitting around waiting for things to come together.

I see that as a new sort of outline I'm living, a new concept of an outline for myself.

Whatever I do, just keep moving.

I'd like to just hibernate, to just hide away, wait.

Then I remember how I've done that my whole life and I get angry that I still just want to lay around not doing anything.

Afriad to go, afriad to stay, things start to shake up on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide away within an idea that if I just have some time to step away from things that I'll be able to sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving forward and doing things moving myself creating my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to move where I move myself forward out of judgement of holding myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak where I can't move foward without difficutlty and I can't stay still and hide away either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a position of having to take leaps of faith.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling up on a diving board where I have to make that leap forward to just keep moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be cruel to myself where I was too kind in letting myself play around and not develop myself in any substantial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself to move myself forward out of judgement of myself in the past for not moving myself at all and just being moved by my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my development where I had to learn from my mind where no one is there to hold your hand or give you any understaning of yourself or the world in the big picture except for deep down within yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how I've hidden away in the past where sometimes it is important to pace myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for learning things the hard way by hiding away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for learning the hard way by leaping forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself ultimately out of fear of not doing enough with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stagnant not developing in any significant way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the more I'm pent up not knowing what to do with myself the more my automation kicks in and I run out of time to decide who i am and what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not developing myself in any stable substantial way beacuse I'd like to be great now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that it's a lot harder to just decide to be and create something without having developed the time and skills and effort at a young age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push myself as hard as I can because I don't want to waste my youth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away because I'm afraid to move foward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past against myself on a personal level out of comparison to other's I judge as being incredible and sucsessful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad for not being increidble and succesful when I could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less then instead of seeing myself one and equal to the success and potential I see in other's regardless of not having found and lived that potential as much or as early on as I could have.

When and as I see myself afraid to waste any more time not finding and living my potential which I realized in myself through seeing it in other's and processing it for myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can't run from the potentail I see in me as equal to other's, and I can't hide from it, thus, I commit myself to slowly pace myself through the potential I've realized in myself equal to other's.

When and as I see myself moving myself out of comparison to myself vs other's development and sucsess, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to stand equal to them and equal to how I got to where I am to develop who I am within sucsess and potential, thus, I commit myself to realize how little I know about other's and who they are and how they got to a point where they appear successful or influencial, where in realizing this I realize that I don't know how exactly breathe by breathe other's got to where they are but I can completely trace myself back to see exactly how I've gotten to where i am and can then cross refrence with what I see in other's even if only on the surface that I know about them.

Day 331- mania

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I my mind gets racing sometimes, and I started doing a few things when this happens.

My mind will bring up a bunch of things bothering me and I'll start growling, like, get out of here! I don't want you around right now thought, get out!

I'll make all kinds of noises and purring and I remember writing about this a long time ago so I've been doing it for a while.

It's pretty funny, I think sometimes it can be very supportive, to just express my displeasure towards my mind and what's going on in making a noise, yelling, or growing, or purring or anything goofy just to take me back to myself.

It's funny to be randomly making noises, but the issue is that sometimes it's crisis level, my mind is racing and jumping off the ceiling, and I'm not pleased and sometimes disturbed, so underneath the surface it's more serious then the funny way I respond to these moments or episodes.

The point being that when something is possessing me so much it's leading me to involuntary/compulsive noises then it's pretty serious.

The noises are delberate in that I'd rather growl, grunt, show my displeasure and express myself then to just bottle everything in, but often it's not enough to actually resolve things I then have to pin point some important pieces and take it into writing self forgiveness.

But it's cool to see how I find ways to express and support myself outside of self forgiveness showing how self forgiveness opens avenues to self expression and exspansion, that the forgiveness has to be taken into living and application, where at some points in my life I might have supressed everything within me if I'm having a episode of emotions or thoughts, but now I can slow down and breathe, or make a noise to snap myself out of it if I have to and that's nice.

But importantly when I'm having experiences that are dellusional, paranoid, agressive, fast, disconnected, uncomfortable, even if I do breathe or make a sound to stablize I need to stop sweeping these moments under the rug so easily, like I forget it ever even happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my psycotic experiecnes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get through and get done with manic episodes instead of getting through them and then taking them back in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself suffer through manic episodes without doing anything to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy puppeting myself with manic episodes where I can just pull all my strings and just watch what I do like it's a joke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that just because I have tools like making noises to relax myself and take things back and to breathe doesn't mean to just forget about how serious it is that I let my mind go to such distant places unchecked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having to go through these moments and having to just accept them as a part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing to accept something so abusive to myself and other's as something that is how things are as manic episodes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how powerful my manic episodes are where I've let them go unchecked for so long that it's harder then ever to reel myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the rush of a manic episode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being able to go into mania beacuse in those moments I'm going to get things done my way, I'm going to take what I want from my own body though the energy that I get in the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the control of being able to break out into mania at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy having this contorl when, when it's happening I see that I don't like it at all, but then I forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with mania which I don't enjoy when it's happeing and then assume that I enjoied it and everything was fine afterwards because I forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget how easily I go into manic episodes because I only see what's directly in front of me at any given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to create myself as a character which feeds off of my own mania without even realizing it.

When and as I see myself forgetting about how serious and important it is to adress my mania episodes, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's important to remember these moments because they hurt physically and I don't enjoy them and they happen often enough to be taken very seriously, thus, I commit myself to look at myself and the character I'm living to see how it ties into my mania to remind me of my own mania where otherwise in my mind I simply forget about this problem.

I commit myself to stop expressing myself as a character which thrives on the suffering caused within mania and psychosis.

I commit myself to take my mental health more seriously.

Day 330- coffee

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I started drinking coffee the past month.

It has been getting me through the day really well, but I feel like I'm overlooking a lot of things and when I have been getting home I haven't been wanting to share myself as much in writing/self forgiveness.

I like the coffee because I get wired off of it, but it doesn't have such a come down as much as it has been that I don't have as much focus.

Today is the first time in a while since I started drinking a lot of coffee that I feel settled in enough to focus on my writing which is important to me that I focus a lot of time on.

A lot is going on in me in relationship to drinking coffee, I always saw coffee as something useful, something good, but I never drank it because I never felt I needed extra energy and I didn't like the taste, but then I found there was really good tasting coffee and I've been drinking that a lot the past couple weeks.

I also have been vaping instead of smoking cigarettes as well around the same time frame of drinking coffee.

So these two changes and I feel like a completely different person.

I am so unstable of a person that I'm a different person now because I've been drinking coffee.

I feel like I've not been comfortable writing regularly lately because I'm so startled by how different I am as a person just over one small change in my chemistry through coffee it's something I had to step back and process for myself first.

I can see myself suppressing some things through the coffee, I feel manic, unsettled, but with the coffee I just feel sedated like I'll just wait for things to pass.

The coffee fuels me just waiting things out, like things will sort out, I'll figure things out eventually and so then I was playing games and watching you-tube and not really putting in as much work as I do to try to write and work things out as I usually have been.

Coffee now that I think bout it just now has been a really great tool for me, like coffee 'get's me', like coffee relates to me a lot but I feel like I'm drinking it now in my life where I can handle it, where other times in my life I can see coffee being a very poor decision for me to be taking it.

Coffee is showing me how I need to take action.

Coffee is showing me how I tend to just wait things out, wait for things to just sort themselves out even though I know that doesn't work.

Coffee is showing me my day-to-day patterns of work then go home and crash and then work again and showing me this from another angle which makes me want to assert myself into my living even more when I see just how much my habits are programmed and not reflecting what I really want/need to develop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear nothing resolving within me unless I put in the direct effort to break down the things that are within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that nothing resolves within me unless I directly deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that things would just resolve themselves and I didn't have to put time and effort into sorting myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to work with reality that I have to put effort into myself directly to get any results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I don't get any results in my life except for what I put effort into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that the things I waste time and effort on yield results that don't substantiate enough to be worth the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put so much time into things like games and media which don't yield me results that are worth the time I put into them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put time into things that don't yield any results because it gives me immidetate results of gratifcation and relaxation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put my time into things that will yeild me long term gratifcation and relaxation as working on myself which will make my life more gratifying and relaxing in the long run.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put no work into myself because directly putting work into myself in self investifation isn't as immidetely gratifying as playing games or being on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not snap myself out of it and remind myself that investing long term and taking smaller immidete reward is better then taking all the immidete reward but losing long term.

When and as I see myself spending too much time playing games or watching videos and not working on myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm investing myself into short term pleasure and then losing out more in the long run, thus, I commit myself to manage my time I spend working myself out in writing vs playing games and watching videos so that I'll be investing long term into my life apposed to investing short term and losing out long term in how I've conditioned myself.

Day 329- i'm living a computer script

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Everything happens for a 'reason', I used to say that, I still say that to myself even though I've tried to challenge it before.

So, everything happens for reason, I do what I do for whatever reason I do it, I'm better of letting things play out 'automatically'.

So I've built this up so much, It's deluded my idea of who I am, it's made my decisions for me, if everything is scripted it's like I'm living a script, like a script of computer code, or the script on paper I've written out and decided who I'll be and what I am.

I had a moment of such fear where I've seen how though my life I've abdicated all decision making all responsibility to who I am and have always fallen back on my lowest coding, to do whatever takes the least effort the least thinking.

It's had positive and negatives, I'm in a great place in my life, but I wish I had taken more charge in my life, taken my authority and not let things just play out like robotically.

I feel like I'm living the echo of my past, just still running the same programs to no end, having made major decisions, and mistakes, relationships on a whim, falling back on my most animal instinct.

Except I don't like that so much anymore, I use to like the idea of being impulsive and calling that animalistic but I'd rather call it robotic right now because I see animals lately as much more expressive more competent then just relating my impulsive programming to them doesn't seem fair to them and is more of an excuse for myself to not take authority in my life.

My script, playing the major decisions and the real thing that really impact my life and what I define myself by has been impulse, to act impulsively live off impulse, don't think ahead, don't plan, don't take any responsibility under any circumstance, let the system just all play out... Let the script play out and see that as the only possibility for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my entire life be decided by whatever script I impulsively play out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to directly script myself based on impulse so I would never have to actually look at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of who I am which has always been available to me by acting and defining myself by impulse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively make all of my decesions so I would never have to see who I am within my decesions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have acted on the script of impulse out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my impulses because I don't have to take responsability for acting on impulse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that although everything I've done with my life has been impuslive it's still my decesion.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that impulses are like electricity running through circuits as the script sending me messages of what to do and to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on impulse as my script because I could see no other way 'out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a way out of self responsability for who I am and what I'm doing with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just act on impulse to just get by each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let each day push me to the brink where all I can find myself capable and comfortable with is acting on my lowest more menial impulses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied being a robot out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embrace the lines of scripts as the bar code defining me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how void and vacant of life my exsistence will be if I don't continue to assert myself and who i am and what script I'm going to be living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it's all the same if I write self forgiveness or not that I'll still either way be living a script.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take every single thing in my life that I can possibly imagine and decide who I will be in that script.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that every single thing in my life has shown me I am scripted.

When and as I see myself fearing seeing how scripted my entire life has been, I stop, I breathe, I realize my life will always be scripted, but that I must be the one writing the script myself, thus, I commit myself to take self responsability for all codes, script, and programming I express and create for myself.

I commit myself to write myself a script that will result in me doing what's best for myself and everyone else equally.

I commit myself to re-script as much as my life through self forgiveness and re-correction as re-scripting everything I possibly can, because everything I am is of the system, and through self forgiveness and correction I re-script the system as myself.