Day 332- stuck in the mud

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I have things moving in me.

thoughts I'm working on, not that bad.

Physically developing really good.

Some pain, not a big deal.

I'm thinking, I need to keep moving myself to keep my life moving, whatever however, just need to keep moving.

But I desire to just be still.

Everything is nicely situated, internally things can be a little wild, but what matters is that I keep moving.

I'm afraid to keep moving, but I see consequences for just laying around doing nothing, better to go out and mess up, make mistakes then to just keep sitting around waiting for things to come together.

I see that as a new sort of outline I'm living, a new concept of an outline for myself.

Whatever I do, just keep moving.

I'd like to just hibernate, to just hide away, wait.

Then I remember how I've done that my whole life and I get angry that I still just want to lay around not doing anything.

Afriad to go, afriad to stay, things start to shake up on their own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide away within an idea that if I just have some time to step away from things that I'll be able to sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving forward and doing things moving myself creating my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to move where I move myself forward out of judgement of holding myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak where I can't move foward without difficutlty and I can't stay still and hide away either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a position of having to take leaps of faith.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling up on a diving board where I have to make that leap forward to just keep moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be cruel to myself where I was too kind in letting myself play around and not develop myself in any substantial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself to move myself forward out of judgement of myself in the past for not moving myself at all and just being moved by my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my development where I had to learn from my mind where no one is there to hold your hand or give you any understaning of yourself or the world in the big picture except for deep down within yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how I've hidden away in the past where sometimes it is important to pace myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for learning things the hard way by hiding away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for learning the hard way by leaping forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself ultimately out of fear of not doing enough with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stagnant not developing in any significant way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the more I'm pent up not knowing what to do with myself the more my automation kicks in and I run out of time to decide who i am and what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not developing myself in any stable substantial way beacuse I'd like to be great now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that it's a lot harder to just decide to be and create something without having developed the time and skills and effort at a young age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push myself as hard as I can because I don't want to waste my youth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away because I'm afraid to move foward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past against myself on a personal level out of comparison to other's I judge as being incredible and sucsessful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad for not being increidble and succesful when I could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less then instead of seeing myself one and equal to the success and potential I see in other's regardless of not having found and lived that potential as much or as early on as I could have.

When and as I see myself afraid to waste any more time not finding and living my potential which I realized in myself through seeing it in other's and processing it for myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can't run from the potentail I see in me as equal to other's, and I can't hide from it, thus, I commit myself to slowly pace myself through the potential I've realized in myself equal to other's.

When and as I see myself moving myself out of comparison to myself vs other's development and sucsess, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to stand equal to them and equal to how I got to where I am to develop who I am within sucsess and potential, thus, I commit myself to realize how little I know about other's and who they are and how they got to a point where they appear successful or influencial, where in realizing this I realize that I don't know how exactly breathe by breathe other's got to where they are but I can completely trace myself back to see exactly how I've gotten to where i am and can then cross refrence with what I see in other's even if only on the surface that I know about them.