Day 78- Hope

Hope, I hope there is still a chance.

I hop to conclusions.

It makes me happy, projecting.

Being able to totally control my future through my internal projections.

I don't control my future this way.

I control my expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my projections of how things will happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself from improving, because I have already projected how I want things to happen for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when things work out the way I'd like them to, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when they do not.

Projecting events in my mind, allows me to only work with what I would like to see.

As I'd like to be able to control both the positive and negative outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the way I'd like people to act onto them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control other people through my own projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create reward for myself through trying to control others through projections, when for me to live and speak projection, is for me to not live and speak best for all equally.

I could imagine the perfect world, a utopia, and it makes me happy.

I can look at my own memories and create different scenarios of what is happening. I was where I was and did what I did, because of karma, because of god, because of my own decisions, because of other's decisions, because any reason I can.

The way an event really took place in my own mind can still be manipulated once more by trying to make it into something else, when it happened, I thought this person did this because of this, but when I thought more about it, he did this because of this, because of this, yet what actually happened was he did this, because of this, because of that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories that should have no influence or affect over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarrassment and displeasure when I'm trying to remember certain events a certain way, but end up seeing them completely differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my memories of the past, become what I will live in the future.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I cannot control ever single aspect of my future for real.

Why am I unable to live what is here, what is real, utilizing projections as a tool, but not a destination.

As with opening any new door, comes some very specific problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope my imagination will become real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge imagination as a bad thing, and I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I can use my imagination as a tool.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself when and as I see myself obsessing over false idols as dreams, memories, predictions of the future, as I realize images as representing suppressed parts of myself, where an image must be formed, from where I cannot see.

Day 77- Friends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do whatever is required to impress my friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for doing things that will impress my friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by the lengths I will go to, to have friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to do the things that I think will impress other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally attached to people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically want to go back to the good feeling of friendship after facing the emotional fallout of losing a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know for myself how to spend my time with people in my world because I only consider the good and bad polarity of friendship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the best way to spend my time with and in relationship to other people, because I only see the desire of feeling good in relationship to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret saying things out of spite towards my friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret saying things out of spite because I risk losing my friends and the good feelings I have in relationship towards them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about affecting my relationship towards others with the words I speak to them or to others, because I feel bad about risking losing my good feeling relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a bad person for talking about my friends out of spite, instead of seeing what is actually occurring as trying to control my relationship with my friends the way I would like them to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to influence my friends with my words.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the opposite of a friend is an enemy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I am living the word friend I am also living the word enemy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I live the words being a very good friend, I live the potential to also be a very bad friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my friends being mad at me for causing problems for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear causing problems for my friends because I don't want to disappoint them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the standard for myself as being an impressive and valuable friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself out of spite when I feel I have not reached that standard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view people as either friends or not friends, and within this limit my vocabulary and potential for interaction.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating internal conflict in relationship to my friends, as I realize there existing more than friend and non friends in my relationship and understanding of others.

Day 76- Breathing as My Body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe in and out my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know my mind in breathe over my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I know my mind enough, as I know what my mind represents within my behaviour and actions, and what I wish to know is my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not find the reason to breathe as my body for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe in ways that support my mind to flourish at the cost of my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create breathe as a tool for my mind instead of for myself to be here still with my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my mind over my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to isolate when I'm breathing in a way that supports me being here within myself, apposed to when I'm supporting my mind, as fueling experience and reaction and polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to accomplish something within breathe as experiences, instead of experienceing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know energy within each breathe, instead of knowing my relationship to energy within my body in each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of breathing as directing my relationship to my world as myself as my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not feeling like I can be here with my body as much as I should be in breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it is a process of developing myself equal to breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept that sometimes I will be caught up in my mind in the external world, and sometimes I will not be able to breathe in the specificity here which I would like to realize myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize my writting as being a part of my breathing development where I can physically deconstruct what is holding me as me holding myself back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have held myself hostage as holding myself back and away from what Is here directly to me as my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my body hostage under the opression of my mind, as I realize it is not about me as ego, it is about me as life, living changing expressing involving, finding the path that is best for me one and equal to all, considering all in each breathe as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contain myself mentally and without breathe in considering all life one and equal to myself as what is best in each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living and expressing what is best in each breathe, because I have defined what is here as limiting my ability to express myself mentally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I would not be living and breathing the way I am now if I expressed what is best using my mind as a tool of action, and not of consequence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone without my mind as one and equal as the phsycial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my own body as fighting my own breathing with thoughts and opinions and experiences.

I commit myself to live in each breathe one and equal to my body, as I breathe as my body, as I breathe beyond the limits and capacity of my mind, as one and equal to my limits and capacity as breathe in each moment.

Day 75- The Thought Thickens

The story of my life. Has been a thought.

That's how I've been taught. That's what I teach myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am both the teacher and the student.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can make mistakes, as a learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself think any less of myself because of my 'mistakes'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I define mistakes for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define mistakes as failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define mistakes as failure to succeed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as needing to walk through mistakes, without suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define mistakes as who I am as ego, and in this not realize, I let my mistakes become who I am in my mind alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the courage of embracing and accepting my mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself the honor of living one and equal to my mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a thought of definition as failure influence me, instead of realizing it is only a thought, and as I change myself for real, so does the thought of failure, the reaction to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprison myself within failure, instead of liberating myself in relationship to living the word failure, as living a faild life, and truly living what it means to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the strength to face my failures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic when I have failed, out of reaction as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sick within myself as being sick of making my life more difficult to function and manage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sick of myself, and in this not realize sometimes that's the point where I need to go to realize where I must improve myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my life go to chaos when I make a mistake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mistakes with anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mistakes with internal conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a lesser person for making a mistake, instead of realizing myself as a better person as learning from my mistakes.

I commit myself, to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating internal conflict in relationship to having made a mistake, as I realize myself as one and equal to living the mistake to the best of my abilities.

Day 74- Silence/Pressure to Succeed

I'm alone in my development of breathe.

I'm alone, in accounting what occurs within me in each breathe, in how to direct myself in self awareness as each breathe.

I must actualize myself in each breathe.

I'm here breathing, and internally I'm very quiet.

Nothing has stopped or changed, it's just quiet.

In the quiet I can see, there's so much motion within me, my mind, it is still moving.

What is it? In silence there is still so much moving. Energy? Mental energy. A mental illusion?

An illusion.

I am eluding myself in silence.

In silence I appear unmoved, but I'm moving, I'm moving.

I'm moving in a way that is not one with my body. I am not one with my body.

I'm moving in time, I'm moved by the past and the future.

I'm still in time, but not in my body.

Self forgiveness is difficult today.

What if... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an illusion of still and calmeness, where I know in common sense and self honesty, it cannot be real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a bite from the apple, as taking a clear illusion over the real thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take solace in the moment of silence, as a moment of silence before I fall.

Before I fall back into my normal patterns.

It's because I'm writing out in nature, alone from other people.

It's like a hiding place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am no Buddah, and I cannot hide in silence for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace silence, but not have embraced speaking out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak out for myself as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use nature as the desert out here in Arizona, as a place to hide from myself.

I used to go out into the desert to dream.

Away from the problems I had created, I could get away from my creation, and make a new one out in the desert.

At least back then I knew there was no real silence within me, I knew I was just dreaming, just hiding away.

The difference is, back then I didn't care, but now I'm desperate to care.

I'm desperate to carve out a path for myself, to show myself a way, to care for life, because I am life. To support life, because I am life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create silence where these is none within my mind, because I'm desperate to manifest myself here as breathe, to live here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide within my 'safe place' of silence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make stepping away from my problems a way to hide instead of an opportunity to take on a different perspective.

So... From there... In remembering that yes, I have a plethora of problems... Out here in the desert they are not as immidetely seen, but what I can see is everything moving within me.

Pain, discomfort, stress, movement. The marks of war, the war I've manifested toward myself as life.

I have one pain in particular.

It's a pain, like I'm placing way too much pressure on myself to succeed. A frightening amount of pressure.

Now I can see with real eyes.

The silence is a lie, to hide, as apposed to an opportunity to face myself from a different perspective, and with this new perspective I can see. I'm like a pressurized tank of gas.

So, what's the deal here?

It's high stakes, work hard, write hard, speak hard.

It is a high stakes game the current system, but my relationship to the system should not reflect that, as I must be the change. I cannot play this high pressure game to get there and get it done. I must be here, and be done as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself within my mind to create a world that is best for all of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not create that world naturally, as a natural process one and equal to me changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge pressure as a bad thing, instead of realizing there will be time to use pressure within myself, and there will be times to lay off the pedal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to change out of fear of failing as falling into complacency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being complacent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge complacent as a bad word.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can live the word complacent as one and equal to real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to not be complacent, when I can live the word complacent, as being complacent in writing and working and trying to live and breathe what is best for all of life as a complacent process, as being unwavering in my stability and devotion to my practice.

I commit myself to live the word complacency as I do not put too much pressure on myself, as I know writting and working and studying, and speaking what's best is mathematically perfect, so I do not need to put so much pressure on myself and that it's counter intuitive as of the mind as ego, not lived, but deceived, the pressure of the mind to succeed within my mind, having nothing to do with the real equation.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself going into silence within my being, as I realize I am not silent, my mind is racing and waring, so I realize this silence is just another form of oppression.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself placing pressure on myself to succeed within my mind, as I realize my real success here as myself will come naturally and the pressure of the mind, is the wrong direction in the fork in the road, where sometimes I will need to utilize pressure, but when the pressure is fear of failure, than it's no good.

Day 73- Self Awareness

I'm aware of what I say, my actions, but am I arare of the deeper implications.

Am I aware of how I manifest my own consequences within my interactions and relationships.

I know what I say, but do I know what it means?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my behaviour as being who I am, without question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act and speak automatically off a script of who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to questioning my behaviour with resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe im perefect and don't have room for improvement.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that because I react with fear, and discomfort to certain actions and situations I take, that I do have a problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question as to be aware of why my actions make me uncomfortable or fearful, because I've justified it as who I am.

I haven't been realizing my internal reactions and feelings/emotions as my behaviour. I haven't realized my mind as my behaviour, as a result of my own actions and decesions. I have decided my expiernece, what I experience is my own behaviour. Self awareness is acknowleging my entire participation.

Brutal self honesty, and radical self forgiveness radical acceptance. I'm not excused from anything occurring within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my situation for how I am within myself, instead of realizing my expiernece as a consequence of my actions and behaviour internally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live in self awareness of my internal decesions and expiernece as my own responsability in each moment.

I commit myself to be aware of my actions and what they represent as how I feel and experience myself.

Day 72- "21st Century Digital Boy."

"Cause I'm a 21st century digital boy, I don't know how to live, but I've got a lot of toys." - Bad Religon.

The millennials, a very loose term, defining those born and raised 1982-2004, during the rise of technology.

As I take strides to unwrap the box I've placed myself within, as a digital boy, as someone engrossed with entertainment and technology, I have to wonder how my very fabric of being, has been afflicted, by the idea of being weak, 'I don't know how to live, but I have a lot of toys.'

The fear that I have privilege, the fear of the responsability that comes with that privilege, which I have never recognised, and in fact, only believed I was special for my birthright, of money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to prove something in my day to day life, where I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply recognize why I believe I need to prove something to myself, maybe to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am weak for being born into money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to believe I will never know true struggle, because I have never lived it to the extent most will have to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glamorize pain, and poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe pain, and poverty builds character, when in fact, it builds horror, as working in or out of poverty, is an attrocity, it's unregarded within the real caliber and severity of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to poverty, as having privlige, as money, instead of standing as equal, as a participant of the same system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realized myself as responsible for insighting change within myself as one and equal to others, when I have compared myself and my problems to those of others, without having actually seen and considered them as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid realizing myself as equal to anyone, where I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see the box of my life and experiences as consceinceness, totally illprepared, to stand equal to even my peers, none the less, someone hungry and hurtting, half way across the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe charity and activism is what's going to make a change, when in self honesty I see, I must change who I am in relationship in all ways, in participation and belief within the system, as one and equal to all, as what is best, as I have realized for myself.

Living, what is best, as one and equal, means I speak out, I share, I listen, for and as myself, as I can only walk myself out, and what I share with another is what I receive.

I'm the creator of poverty, and it's going to take a lot to pull myself out, so I have to give a lot back to myself, through self forgiveness, realizing with real eyes. The oneness and equality living equation, the Jesus message.

To give unconditionally, is to give to all as one and equal to myself.

What I give to myself alone, is not given within oneness and equality, as only considering one piece of the many pieces of self on earth.

I must give as I'd like to receive for my own sake, as the sake of all who are here in this moment.

What's best for me?

What is best for all as one and equal.

Remarkably simple, the simplest truth there ever was. I realize how I live in self forgiveness, how I live in self responsability, and self honesty, will define the caliber of each and every individual.

I commit myself to go as far as I can realize myself, and then, I commit myself to keep going, not with anything to prove, when and as I see myself living equality through comparison, I stop, breathe, and realize myself as one and equal having nothing to prove, and only required to actualize myself through the living word, through real change as self change.