Day 74- Silence/Pressure to Succeed

I'm alone in my development of breathe.

I'm alone, in accounting what occurs within me in each breathe, in how to direct myself in self awareness as each breathe.

I must actualize myself in each breathe.

I'm here breathing, and internally I'm very quiet.

Nothing has stopped or changed, it's just quiet.

In the quiet I can see, there's so much motion within me, my mind, it is still moving.

What is it? In silence there is still so much moving. Energy? Mental energy. A mental illusion?

An illusion.

I am eluding myself in silence.

In silence I appear unmoved, but I'm moving, I'm moving.

I'm moving in a way that is not one with my body. I am not one with my body.

I'm moving in time, I'm moved by the past and the future.

I'm still in time, but not in my body.

Self forgiveness is difficult today.

What if... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an illusion of still and calmeness, where I know in common sense and self honesty, it cannot be real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a bite from the apple, as taking a clear illusion over the real thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take solace in the moment of silence, as a moment of silence before I fall.

Before I fall back into my normal patterns.

It's because I'm writing out in nature, alone from other people.

It's like a hiding place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am no Buddah, and I cannot hide in silence for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace silence, but not have embraced speaking out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak out for myself as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use nature as the desert out here in Arizona, as a place to hide from myself.

I used to go out into the desert to dream.

Away from the problems I had created, I could get away from my creation, and make a new one out in the desert.

At least back then I knew there was no real silence within me, I knew I was just dreaming, just hiding away.

The difference is, back then I didn't care, but now I'm desperate to care.

I'm desperate to carve out a path for myself, to show myself a way, to care for life, because I am life. To support life, because I am life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create silence where these is none within my mind, because I'm desperate to manifest myself here as breathe, to live here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide within my 'safe place' of silence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make stepping away from my problems a way to hide instead of an opportunity to take on a different perspective.

So... From there... In remembering that yes, I have a plethora of problems... Out here in the desert they are not as immidetely seen, but what I can see is everything moving within me.

Pain, discomfort, stress, movement. The marks of war, the war I've manifested toward myself as life.

I have one pain in particular.

It's a pain, like I'm placing way too much pressure on myself to succeed. A frightening amount of pressure.

Now I can see with real eyes.

The silence is a lie, to hide, as apposed to an opportunity to face myself from a different perspective, and with this new perspective I can see. I'm like a pressurized tank of gas.

So, what's the deal here?

It's high stakes, work hard, write hard, speak hard.

It is a high stakes game the current system, but my relationship to the system should not reflect that, as I must be the change. I cannot play this high pressure game to get there and get it done. I must be here, and be done as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself within my mind to create a world that is best for all of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not create that world naturally, as a natural process one and equal to me changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge pressure as a bad thing, instead of realizing there will be time to use pressure within myself, and there will be times to lay off the pedal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to change out of fear of failing as falling into complacency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being complacent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge complacent as a bad word.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can live the word complacent as one and equal to real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to not be complacent, when I can live the word complacent, as being complacent in writing and working and trying to live and breathe what is best for all of life as a complacent process, as being unwavering in my stability and devotion to my practice.

I commit myself to live the word complacency as I do not put too much pressure on myself, as I know writting and working and studying, and speaking what's best is mathematically perfect, so I do not need to put so much pressure on myself and that it's counter intuitive as of the mind as ego, not lived, but deceived, the pressure of the mind to succeed within my mind, having nothing to do with the real equation.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself going into silence within my being, as I realize I am not silent, my mind is racing and waring, so I realize this silence is just another form of oppression.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself placing pressure on myself to succeed within my mind, as I realize my real success here as myself will come naturally and the pressure of the mind, is the wrong direction in the fork in the road, where sometimes I will need to utilize pressure, but when the pressure is fear of failure, than it's no good.