Day 165- Slow Down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself forward without slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable when I slow down, but when I slow down I can take things one breathe at a time as things occur.

When I go fast, I'm trying to deal with situations that may or may not happen tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define slowing down as ruining my forward momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to take things on as they occur, instead of trying to solve problems that probably don't exist.

If I slow down right now, I see that nothing matters, I'm just sleepy.

That's my dimension, I'm existing in the dimension of being sleepy, but I didn't know that because I was going too fast.

Sleepy means I need to slow down and let things occur naturally, it means there's nothing to rush into, if there was something really important to do, I wouldn't be sleepy.

When and as I see myself holding myself within the expression of going fast, I stop, I breathe, I realize eventually I'm going to have to slow down so I must realize if slowing down is how I should direct and move myself as seeing what I'm rushing into and if rushing is really the best approach, thusly, I commit myself to realize and act on slowing down more often, because more often than not rushing through life isn't leading me down the direction I'd like for myself.

I couldn't think of anything to write about, which happens sometimes, but this time I realized this urgency this need to figure something out right this moment.

So I slow down, and in slowing down I see something very important about how I'm living.

I don't let things occur naturally within myself, I always have to force a natural rhythm and pattern in my life, I don't let things unfold naturally without force control and resistance.

Fear

I see fear

Where's the fire?

Where's the urgency?

It's coming from my head.

It's all about getting things done, but not about actually doing the thing.

In slowing down I can see things happening in real time,

Sleepy is being tired, I'm tired of everything in my life.

I'm discontent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everything that moves within me as being separated within my relationship to everything build up into energy, where I'm worn out and tired because I'm so exhausted within my relationship to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive this conflict within me as undefeatable, as I realize it is undefeatable as long as I keep participating within it.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tire myself out energetically by constantly creating energetic conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn everything into a conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not pay attention to when things are going well, because I've become predisposed as seeing everything as a conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and stop being so conflicted over everything.

A conflict is a misalignment of things moving and fucntioning naturally, and I've become unnatural in my state of being, so everything is misaligned, and everything is a conflict, and even slowing down doesn't really change anything for real.

How can I broadly address the conflict within myself when it's all encompassing?

That's a starting point of seeing that everything is in conflict within me, addressing my relationship to conflict on the surface as a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my misalignment within myself and turn them into as defining them as a conflict.

A conflict can be like a fight.

Just because things are misaligned doesn't mean I have to rush to react and to fight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resolve my conflicts by fighting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fighting as the ultimate form of conflict solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prove my worth by fighting all of the conflict within myself, but even without reading into it at all, fighting my own conflict, doesn't even make sense, and I don't even need to explain that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not teach myself properly how to resolve conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from my conflicts instead of learning from them and improving within my living and application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace and accept that conflict is part of existence, everything will never perfectly fit together in every way conceivable.

I commit myself to learn how to resolve conflict within myself.

When and as I see myself faced with conflict within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize sometimes conflict can be seen and directed when it's clear and on the surface, and some conflict brews under the surface just out of reach, but I realize all conflict needs to be addressed and resolved because I can't run away forever, thusly, I commit myself to start taking steps in dealing with the inner conflicts within me instead of just trying to out run them, as I realize I'm postponing the time until they catch up to me and will be worse than ever.

Day 164- Existential Crisis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create existential crisis for myself when I respond to a thought questions why I should or shouldn't be doing things in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give purpose and meaning to my life through my thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be influenced through my experience of thoughts and reactions instead of acting on principle where I can challenge my beliefs and behaviors.

This existential crisis is pre-ordained, the thought and the reaction and then the choice to give purpose and meaning to it, is just systematic within me, so can't be worked with or questioned it's just an automated script.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by the existential experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be intimidated so I can be justified in standing down from directing myself and my life and just letting thoughts and emotions run the show.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about my predisposition within myself when I experience existential experiences, where I question everything and am not sure about anything, as I realize the underlying issue which I see within myself as one and equal to the world around me, can only be snuffed by great experiences for so long, and great questions of who I am and what I'm doing on earth can only hold interest for so long.

Sometimes the things I experience within my mind, within how I feel become existential, larger than life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow how I feel to become any more than just a feeling that can be traced back and deconstructed.

When I'm not feeling well, there's a reason, it's not the end of the world, I'm just giving into astonishment, not looking at how I'm feeling came to be, if I look at memories and the words I'm living and my behavior, suddenly things start to click.

Existential; of or relating to existence.

My existence is more than a feeling, more than a thought or experience, more than the patterns I've constructed to live by based on those thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things out to be more than what they are pertaining to my existence, patterns and systems needing to be reformed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the patterns and systems I've given control of my life over to as being impassible walls, as I realize I'm taking the steps to take down these walls, sometimes I'll have to work around them, but they aren't anything more than lines in the sand in reality.

It comes down to a lot of feelings and questions and experiences.

When will I change?

When I change myself, when I make the time and put in the effort.

Existential, pertaining to my existence, how long will I exist this way? Feeling tired, and weak, until I address and change the way I live those words.

I'll change the patterns I'm living and creating when I sit down and investigate them and apply myself.

I think part of it is I'm realizing how I can't do anything in breathing in directing myself to actually change for real.

It all seems to come down to self forgiveness and commitment statements, the rest is just forming healthy patterns and living and remaining stable within breathe.

I think that's the root of my existential crisis, I thought I had power outside of self forgiveness and commitment statements, power to change myself, and I just don't, it's all in the words and the living of the words, living integrity and principle and honor, living the words through writing and speaking out my old systems.

So the reality setting in of how limited I am until I change for real, is what is causing me an existential crisis, but now I see with real eyes, so for now, when and as I see myself creating great tales in my mind, and great experiences of how horrible or wonderful my existence is as existential feelings and emotions and thoughts, I stop, I breathe, I realize the real existence is still here I've  just wondered off again because that's my trick, my behavior, thusly, I commit myself to not blow things out of proportion, to not make mountains out of molehills because I see that to sit down and address in self honesty will show me what's really happening and in the mean time I'm just biding for time until reality sets in one way or another, in this case through self movement in writing, otherwise I could keep dragging things out in my mind to no avail for years and I've done before.

It's infuriating, I'm just going to be faced with my own madness over and over until I sit down and write it out, it's like, how is this for real?

There's a question, not brought through existential feelings and emotions and thoughts, just me facing myself and bringing up the question, how can this be for real?

How can there be nothing else?

How can it be that everything else I do is just biding the time I'll have to deal with my mind until I write things out?

It's not fair, it's not fair, but that's the way it is.

That's my existential crisis, this isn't 'fair', this is all a matter of living words, one hour a day of writing or more, the rest is in the wind, mg inner wind as what I call one of the particular patterns I've formed to help me cope with my existence.

Facing what moves within me to the degree I have been trying to lead me to existential experience, because my inner wind, my thoughts, my paranoia, my emotions have become what I'm existing as, and when it hits me that I'm powerless outside of the living breathing change through speaking self forgiveness and commitment statements, it challenges every thread and wire and coding within my programming, even the light at the end of the tunnel, that things will get better if I keep going day by day, even that is challenged by the mass unrelenting amount of work that is required even beyond the pace I've deemed reasonable, even how much work and writing I've deemed reasonable comes into question when faced with my own death as how I've been living, facing the death of how I've been living in every way.

Day 163- Redefine Mess

I realize a word that envelopes what I usually experience within myself regularly evey day, is mess.

I feel like internally I'm a mess, so when I achieve or accomplish something I feel proud because it's like I succeeded at looking past the mess within me and accomplishing something regardless, but I'm realizing the mess still doesn't go away no matter how I try to supercede it.

So I have to face the word itself and how I've integrated it into my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently create the pattern of working around my mess within myself instead of facing it head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy in not faving the mess within myself head on as directly addressing what it is and how it came to be in self honesty.

Procrastinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate facing the mess within myself waiting until I'm forced to face it because it's become a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn down what is best for me as being proactive as addressing and quenching my problems before they become something so large that I'm forced into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to be forced into action out of resentment for being alive and having to face the responsibility of being alive and responsible for life.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to define the mess within myself as being too difficult to face head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the mess within myself by not giving me the words as the symbols needed to recognize and understand the creation of my mess.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to want to deal with my mess from the point of it being an inconvenience to me, instead of out of self honestly recognizing misalignment within myself and realizing myself as changing through forgiveness out of principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being hard to deal with because of the mess I'm in, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have compassion for myself in realizing I have no conscience idea how I've become all the wires and programming that I am today, and simply see I need to assist myself in reorganizing myself and my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from standing and changing myself as how I've lived the word mess, when I blame the mess within myself thus not seeing it as equal to myself thus equal as being forgiven as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself trying to straighten things out and organize things within myself implying I'm spending a lot of energy within my mind trying to clean things out, but if I just realized how this is all occuring I'd be able to just change through self forgiveness without all the energy being depleted.

I forgive myself that i have acceoted and allowed myself to become a mess within myself by letting things just fall apart, in not caring about consequences or outcomes just letting things play out through their own nature, witch is the nature of a mess, which is what I conceived of as growing up when I couldn't find a way to make ends meet within myself.

But I never really tried to look, like I thought I was entitled to be shown a way, which in a sense was manifested because I was shown self forgiveness without having to convince of it on my own, but it still required me to put the pieces together for myself.

Which is what I'm doing, cleaning the mess up piece by piece.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word mess as either cleaning the mess up all at once or leaving it without compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed with how I live the word mess as I see my mind my energy my direction within myself being chaotic, instable, unpredictable, and difficult, so I don't want to deal with it, but I have no choice at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a way where I deal with my mess once it becomes too great to bear, yet become annoyed when that time comes, where I'm really just stalling for time hoping that things will get better.

I think what I'm realizing is things aren't just going to get better.

I think that's what I realize lately, is that I have to play an active role, actually apply myself to get actual progress, and even then it's not always that substantial all at once.

Cleaning a mess can take time, just as it took time to create.

Clean the mess without understanding how it was manifested in the first place, that's why I'm here, where and who I am now, because I need to see that I don't repeat what I've created within myself, that I change for real my mind my body my energy my direction my behavior my beliefs my words.

I'm being impatient because I can see so much potential in cleaning up my 'act', cleansing myself, but there's so much pain and resistance between me and becoming the person I'd like to be.

At this point, that seems to be part of the game, the mind has to go rock bottom before it can resurface.

Thats when the question arise, is this enough? Have I made things difficult enough? Can I just clean this and get to the point of living yet? Or do I still need to grow even more confounding, confused, concerned?

It's like stop picking at scabs, stop digging the hole deeper, stop pushing boundaries, stop making the mess worse, and it has an opprituinuty to get better.

Up until recently and even then not to my fullest capacity have I decided through realization I really need to stop making this mess worse, because just like at a confessional you can be forgiven of everything, but if you go and just do it all over again within living change and commitment and principle it's all for naught.

Relax, breathe, and stop making the mess worse if I really plan to fix it.

When and as I see myself making the mess within myself worse through my participation within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize the mess will slowly but surely be resolved, but if I give into emotion and throw everything away than I only set myself back further in the time i'll be require to walk all this crap out, thusly I commit myself to deal with my mess head on within myself and my outward living without fear or resistance, as I realize if I just stop making things worse and direct myself to clean things up, the mess will inevitably be resolved.

A comfort comes over me, as I realize within myself once again the potential to forgive myself of my misalignment within my living and the potential to reassert myself anew without fear.

I redefine the word mess as being something which is not orgainzed the way I'd like or prefer it to be as what is in my best interest as life.

Meaning sometimes what I define as a 'mess' is really just a mess to my ego, a mess to my convince, thus I realize some things which I've believed to be a mess may very well be in my best intrest, I simply don't want to address them in self honesty to discover that for myself.

There's that inside of me that's still frustrated because this doesn't flat out fix anything it just shows me how I've created and lived up to this point through this word, I still have to go to the chalk board to address my 'problem' of all this stuff that moves within me all the time to no end or avail.

I realize this is the bed I've made and the bed I must sleep in, so step up, or shut up.

Day 162- A New Chapter of Awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of more within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be aware of the surface level of what is occurring within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to change myself through breathing and directing myself without becoming aware of what it is I'm trying to direct and breathe through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I will know who I want to be and what I am going to change within myself without self honestly addressing what it is I'd like to change, when I'm only willing to see and address the most primal superficial levels of myself.

Since yesterday looking at how things are formed through my participation within myself, I wonder about how I've been directing myself with such a limited concept of everything within me and how it works.

I commit myself to take a step back from how I've been directing myself and become more aware of how I operate and how things occur within me, giving me a better platform to direct myself in relationship to what's happening inside of me.

Awareness

I'm aware of many things occurring within me, but I realized how dismissive I am, focusing on energy within me and how it moves, but not seeing how it's being created through my thoughts and feelings and reactions and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within my breathe through reactions out of fear.

As soon as I see something moving within me, I say that is a misalignment and I try to stop it, but I can't, I make it worse, because I don't see how it's being created through patterns and such.

I was right in my concern yesterday about having an epiphany, because I realized something, but now I see I don't know how to apply my new information into practice.

I have an idea which I think is going to work out pretty good, so that's what I'm going to go off.

I commit myself to direct myself within becoming aware of how things are created within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to direct myself in relationship to stopping systems within me under the pretense that I firmly believe I can change myself without self forgiveness.

I firmly believe I can 'do this', without self forgiveness, but the only results and change I've ever truly achieved has been through utilizing self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self forgiveness as an inferior means of changing myself, because I'd like to be capable of change through intention and through my mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to 'my way', because I created it for myself, as I realize what I 'created' was just a part of my own nature as a program, and self forgiveness is deprogramming.

Like I can program change without deprogramming that which inhibits it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to changing as a program, as taking the lesser of two evils, without recognizing the need to forgive as deprogramming to actually change as life.

I realized something yesterday, but still found myself trying to apply my realization through the same means of changing without forgiving programming on top of programming.

I realize forgiveness is to honor and respect life, I realize forgiveness is how I change into something I'd be proud of for real.

I realize self forgiveness requires me to sit down, slow down, and really address myself, and the way I try to program over programs is just a waiting game, where I really believe something will come about, when it just doesn't I already took the big step in realizing my two years trying to change myself without writing and speaking self forgiveness was just the time it took to come to terms with the fact that this is it, self forgiveness is the only real technique I can actually work with.

I still try to constantly assert within myself that directing myself to some unforeseen end point, programming over programs will still be a part of my process, but maybe I should begin to take steps in reconsidering my preconceived notions of my process and how I will be living and directing myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to come to some kind of understanding within me which will work and be applicable without realizing the living and execution of the realization in real time and practice.

I commit myself to center myself within awareness in each breathe, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear centering myself within awareness in each breathe will lead to the death of my old incarnation within myself.

I realize I fear facing that my old incarnation was incarceration.

In care creation

I care enough to admit I must change my old methods, but I fear giving up what I've been vehemently fighting for within myself, that my methods were infallible, I realize that in a sense that I've gotten to where I am in this breathe now realizing the need and responsibility for my old method does make my old method infallible within its ability to cease to exist, it cannot fail if I don't participate in it.

I thought of an analogy, of what if I realized my religion was wrong, but I fear giving up, because if it was true, than I'd not go to heaven if i were to give up on it, which is exactly what's happened, I've created my own religion
through my method and my belief that it will lead to salvation for me, but now I see how fickle it's all been and am grasping how I got into that situation through analyzing my memories.

I've isolated two points, my idea of how I'll practice and execute my new realization, and how I've been executing mg old realization, but I realize neither is complete within their cycle.

When and as I see myself participating within my old method of participation through directing myself through force and through my inner wind, I stop, I breathe, I realize my new method is superior, thusly, I commit myself to always apply my new method of directing myself as breathing within awareness without looking back.

Which brings me to another point about myself, 'looking back'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself totally to a new method of directing myself, as I realize the best method is what I should totally commit myself to as life, and I realize my distrust out of fear and guilt and regret, cannot speak louder than what I have realized through self honesty and self forgiveness and endless application in breathe.

I commit myself to not look back out of fear, regret, remorse that what if things would have worked out into he end if I had just stick it out a little longer, as I realize I don't have the time on earth to wait. I have to act.

Day 161- Butterfly Effect

The flap of the butterfly's wings become the tornado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live up high ignoring what's below.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every single thing that I participate in creates me.

I sit here again, trying to figure out how I got to where I am, and nothing stands out, but I realize I got to where I am, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to not take every single thought, movement, and reaction into consideration in realizing that one single thought, reaction, or movement is just the beginning

That's the best way to describe where I am, who I am, what's occurring within me, a collection of moments, a collection of small thoughts, and memories, and ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become no more than a collaboration of pictures, and thoughts, and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every single little thing I allow to move within me, will have consequences.

What's going on, what's happening, it's all there in memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grieve and morn within how I feel, sick, tired, depressed, without looking in self honesty and recognizing it's all there for me to see, in memory.

I remember how the little decision I made a long time ago without any thought or consideration at the time, has become to be how I live and breathe each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize every single little thing I permit within myself has a specific nature, a specific plan, a specific beginning and end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know how I got here, when this desire is to be told how I got here, to have the answer handed to me, but no one can do that, because only I can open up each and every single moment and memory in my entire life and see how it all added up, pebble by pebble, stone by stone.

I can see everything.

I can see my entire exsistance on earth through memory, anything I don't want to face I will forget, but the memory is not gone just suppressed.

Ok

So what's going on?

Let me look into my memory bank, I've got too much in my head, everything is all tangled up, and it's a killer workout to pull every single thread out one by one, so sometimes I'll just be broad, reshape things reorganize things, put myself in a new situation to explore the same pattern.

That's what's been working the best for me lately, coupled with some more more specific threads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my entire being on how I move within myself as energy, instead of seeing the patterns and behaviors which have created and constituted this energy.

Seeing the results but not seeing how I came about them.

I commit myself to start breathing and becoming aware of the specific reactions, interactions, relationship's and thus realizing how I got to where I am is how I can change who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be broad sighted without giving equal consideration to every single little fabric within my awareness in seeing how every single specific little thought or reaction builds upon one another becoming and being what I normally see and am aware of, yet I realize how I'm only seeing a part of the whole.

A real epiphany, in each breathe I've been seeing everything moving within me, but now how it all came to be, through patterns and thoughts and feelings emotions relived and reactivated over and over being more or less specific in their nature day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to my true nature, by only seeing that which serves me and my agenda to perfect without self honesty and self forgiveness.

I never could have come to see how everything I experience has become the build up of little moments and thoughts and feelings without having utilized self forgiveness and self honesty.

The best testimony to self forgiveness and self honesty for me thus far is this realization, something that's always been true about me, but never precisely addressed in word in writing in the same specific format which created it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses for human nature as being why things are the way they are, when all of human nature Is available in one single breathe as memory, as remembering how I got to where I am in self honesty.

I remember how much fun this was so I'll go do that again.

I remember that this worked out for me last time so I'll do that again.

I remember that this doesn't work so I don't do that anymore.

I remember I said this and they said that.

I remember every single thing that lead me to where I am now, I just need to dissect it, forgive it, commit myself to change to realizing and actualizing myself as more than just a memory.

I realize it's not just what I can realize see and forgive comprehend and conquer in one sitting of writing self forgiveness, it's that I've been walking this process for years since I first began self forgiveness, and every single day since then has lead me to this breathe.

I'm tired, I remember getting worked up in the past in excitement toward an idea a realization, trying to chew out every single bit, just like right now, reliving that cycle again, but this time I can comprehend the cycle, I have the tools.

I remember how easy it is to call it a night, pass out, get drunk, get high, play games and to just forget about everything, but now I realize that's been a big contributing factor to my creation, when things get to hard just call it off and there won't be any consequences, but calling it off, giving up for the night is the first thought that begins to build.

When and as I see anything within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize whatever moves within me is a consequence of creation over time thought by thought reaction by reaction, thusly, I commit myself to live in a way where I can be held to book for every single thing that moves within me whatsoever within the knowledge and realization that the evidence as memory is always available to show me how I have become who I am.

Just as my mind remembers things out of the blue, as if to check that it still has control, can I upset you by bringing up this memory? Yep, that memory still controls me, still is not forgiven in the same specific nature it was created within.

Day 160- 'One More Day'

Can I go one more day?

What choice is there?

I have to live my life one more day, if I receive the opprituinuty, I commit myself to keep going one more day.

Forgiveness

I forgive myself

And I commit myself to be the best I can.

I realize in self honesty, I'm not going to like tomorrow, tomorrow will be pain and discomfort.

Every day is pain and discomfort.

Paranoia, insanity, mental illnesses.

What holds me together?

I'd like to see this through no matter what happens.

I'm here, and I know I can make this work, that's what holds me together.

I'm away trying to stop the pain, stop the fear, stop the discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace pain as part of life.

Is pain part of life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my discomfort instead of learn from it.

Why am I who I am?

How did I get here?

When will things get better?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace having to work, having to push myself, having to fight against what I've created.

I'm going to feel fat, I'm going to feel tired, I'm going to wish I didn't have to go through another day.

I can't just change any of that in one night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the bad things that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my own guide, being the only one who can guide me through another day.

I fear jinxing myself.

I am petrified that if I say 'what's the worst that can happen', that the worst will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a shoulder to lean upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a guidance to myself, to be my own torch.

Why haven't I been there for myself?

Why do I resent taking care of myself?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the mess I've made of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo
wed myself to not speak directly to myself.

When I say, how can I make tomorrow better?

I don't want to reply, I don't want to face what it will take.

I commit myself to face what it will take to make tomorrow better, to make my life better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to cheer me up, to agree with me, to be there for me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be in agreement with myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be there for myself no matter what happens, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be someone who I can rely on.

When and as I see myself giving into the fear of all that can happen to me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I must keep going, I realize what must be done, thusly, I commit myself to do what must be done to support me in one day, in one year, to do what must be done for myself.

Day 159- My Inner Wind

Maybe for the last four or five years I've had this constant moving within me.

It has to do with my process, when I first started getting going within my process, I learned that always breathing was important.

So I created this movement within myself, and I had never had a name for it, but I could call it my inner wind.

It's like I'm always wound up, like I'm always winded, always trying to win, like in waning away, never still already blowing in the wind.

A turbulence, a vortex, a tornado.

Something I can't see directly, but can always see the evidence of in my mind, just like you can't see the wind, but can see the evidence of it.

So I accomplished my goal, I'm always breathing, I'm always aware of my breathe, always directing myself within each breathe.

Always working with this wind, this experience of constant movement of energy within me.

I realized what I need to from this 'wind', I have to deal with it now, I need to be able to stand in face of the wind inside of me.

Ok, so what words describe this energy, wind, mind, chaos, unstable, control.

This thing has to go.

I'm going to call it my inner wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to box myself within the limitations of my inner wind, which is just s product of my mental energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need something 'more' within me, for me to walk my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at what I have created as my inner wind, where I'm angry now that I created what I have, because if I could go back and have guided myself better, I could have been in a different situation then I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create something which makes me 'different' and 'special', as now I realize I don't want this, I don't want to be special and different if I means creating this energetic prison as my inner wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my breathing when faced with my inner wind causing turmoil as turbulence, as I realize this thing has been a long time in the making, and is something I'm going to have to learn to not let distract me until I can forgive it's exsistance within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create each breathe I take as more than what my breathe feels like as the physical.

I just want to breathe in, breathe out, feel the breathe within the physical context without all this inner movement, inner wind, do my work, go to school, do my writing.

I'm sick of this.

This is fucked.

It's like I finally got to where I need to go, but now I have to turn back around and clean up the mess I've made of myself in the process.

Don't let the wind win.

Don't get wound up by the wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on breathing within self awareness within self direction in each moment, as I realize to stop this wind, I must stop letting it win, stop letting my mind win, I have to breathe in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the wind moving within me instead of on the physical as each breathe.

It's going to take a lot out of me to fix this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what moves within me as more important than each breathe I take as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stop my inner wind all at once as I realize I must walk it out in time, through self forgiveness as the same way I created it through time and intention and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by my inner wind, as living the words subservient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become subservient to my inner wind, so that I would not have to be self disciplined and self directive, as everything would just fall into place on it's own.

I'm seeing that the wind is just one thing moving within me, I'm also moved by reaction, by my thought, by anxiety, by stress, by relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stopping this wind is no different than stopping any other emotion, feeling, or thought.

So I realize this inner wind is something I've created, but is no different than anything else which prevents me from being here and functioning to my most physical potential.

When and as I see myself giving up on my breathing, because of everything moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to keep breathing, and not give up, thusly, I commit myself to always direct myself in each breathe no matter what happens, and I commit myself to be aware of myself as the breather of my breathe, in each breathe, without excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret how much time I've lost within my process focusing on my internal creation.