Day 161- Butterfly Effect

The flap of the butterfly's wings become the tornado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live up high ignoring what's below.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every single thing that I participate in creates me.

I sit here again, trying to figure out how I got to where I am, and nothing stands out, but I realize I got to where I am, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to not take every single thought, movement, and reaction into consideration in realizing that one single thought, reaction, or movement is just the beginning

That's the best way to describe where I am, who I am, what's occurring within me, a collection of moments, a collection of small thoughts, and memories, and ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become no more than a collaboration of pictures, and thoughts, and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every single little thing I allow to move within me, will have consequences.

What's going on, what's happening, it's all there in memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grieve and morn within how I feel, sick, tired, depressed, without looking in self honesty and recognizing it's all there for me to see, in memory.

I remember how the little decision I made a long time ago without any thought or consideration at the time, has become to be how I live and breathe each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize every single little thing I permit within myself has a specific nature, a specific plan, a specific beginning and end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know how I got here, when this desire is to be told how I got here, to have the answer handed to me, but no one can do that, because only I can open up each and every single moment and memory in my entire life and see how it all added up, pebble by pebble, stone by stone.

I can see everything.

I can see my entire exsistance on earth through memory, anything I don't want to face I will forget, but the memory is not gone just suppressed.

Ok

So what's going on?

Let me look into my memory bank, I've got too much in my head, everything is all tangled up, and it's a killer workout to pull every single thread out one by one, so sometimes I'll just be broad, reshape things reorganize things, put myself in a new situation to explore the same pattern.

That's what's been working the best for me lately, coupled with some more more specific threads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my entire being on how I move within myself as energy, instead of seeing the patterns and behaviors which have created and constituted this energy.

Seeing the results but not seeing how I came about them.

I commit myself to start breathing and becoming aware of the specific reactions, interactions, relationship's and thus realizing how I got to where I am is how I can change who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be broad sighted without giving equal consideration to every single little fabric within my awareness in seeing how every single specific little thought or reaction builds upon one another becoming and being what I normally see and am aware of, yet I realize how I'm only seeing a part of the whole.

A real epiphany, in each breathe I've been seeing everything moving within me, but now how it all came to be, through patterns and thoughts and feelings emotions relived and reactivated over and over being more or less specific in their nature day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to my true nature, by only seeing that which serves me and my agenda to perfect without self honesty and self forgiveness.

I never could have come to see how everything I experience has become the build up of little moments and thoughts and feelings without having utilized self forgiveness and self honesty.

The best testimony to self forgiveness and self honesty for me thus far is this realization, something that's always been true about me, but never precisely addressed in word in writing in the same specific format which created it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses for human nature as being why things are the way they are, when all of human nature Is available in one single breathe as memory, as remembering how I got to where I am in self honesty.

I remember how much fun this was so I'll go do that again.

I remember that this worked out for me last time so I'll do that again.

I remember that this doesn't work so I don't do that anymore.

I remember I said this and they said that.

I remember every single thing that lead me to where I am now, I just need to dissect it, forgive it, commit myself to change to realizing and actualizing myself as more than just a memory.

I realize it's not just what I can realize see and forgive comprehend and conquer in one sitting of writing self forgiveness, it's that I've been walking this process for years since I first began self forgiveness, and every single day since then has lead me to this breathe.

I'm tired, I remember getting worked up in the past in excitement toward an idea a realization, trying to chew out every single bit, just like right now, reliving that cycle again, but this time I can comprehend the cycle, I have the tools.

I remember how easy it is to call it a night, pass out, get drunk, get high, play games and to just forget about everything, but now I realize that's been a big contributing factor to my creation, when things get to hard just call it off and there won't be any consequences, but calling it off, giving up for the night is the first thought that begins to build.

When and as I see anything within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize whatever moves within me is a consequence of creation over time thought by thought reaction by reaction, thusly, I commit myself to live in a way where I can be held to book for every single thing that moves within me whatsoever within the knowledge and realization that the evidence as memory is always available to show me how I have become who I am.

Just as my mind remembers things out of the blue, as if to check that it still has control, can I upset you by bringing up this memory? Yep, that memory still controls me, still is not forgiven in the same specific nature it was created within.