Day 160- 'One More Day'

Can I go one more day?

What choice is there?

I have to live my life one more day, if I receive the opprituinuty, I commit myself to keep going one more day.

Forgiveness

I forgive myself

And I commit myself to be the best I can.

I realize in self honesty, I'm not going to like tomorrow, tomorrow will be pain and discomfort.

Every day is pain and discomfort.

Paranoia, insanity, mental illnesses.

What holds me together?

I'd like to see this through no matter what happens.

I'm here, and I know I can make this work, that's what holds me together.

I'm away trying to stop the pain, stop the fear, stop the discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace pain as part of life.

Is pain part of life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my discomfort instead of learn from it.

Why am I who I am?

How did I get here?

When will things get better?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace having to work, having to push myself, having to fight against what I've created.

I'm going to feel fat, I'm going to feel tired, I'm going to wish I didn't have to go through another day.

I can't just change any of that in one night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the bad things that can happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my own guide, being the only one who can guide me through another day.

I fear jinxing myself.

I am petrified that if I say 'what's the worst that can happen', that the worst will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a shoulder to lean upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a guidance to myself, to be my own torch.

Why haven't I been there for myself?

Why do I resent taking care of myself?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the mess I've made of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo
wed myself to not speak directly to myself.

When I say, how can I make tomorrow better?

I don't want to reply, I don't want to face what it will take.

I commit myself to face what it will take to make tomorrow better, to make my life better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to cheer me up, to agree with me, to be there for me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be in agreement with myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be there for myself no matter what happens, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be someone who I can rely on.

When and as I see myself giving into the fear of all that can happen to me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I must keep going, I realize what must be done, thusly, I commit myself to do what must be done to support me in one day, in one year, to do what must be done for myself.