Day 159- My Inner Wind

Maybe for the last four or five years I've had this constant moving within me.

It has to do with my process, when I first started getting going within my process, I learned that always breathing was important.

So I created this movement within myself, and I had never had a name for it, but I could call it my inner wind.

It's like I'm always wound up, like I'm always winded, always trying to win, like in waning away, never still already blowing in the wind.

A turbulence, a vortex, a tornado.

Something I can't see directly, but can always see the evidence of in my mind, just like you can't see the wind, but can see the evidence of it.

So I accomplished my goal, I'm always breathing, I'm always aware of my breathe, always directing myself within each breathe.

Always working with this wind, this experience of constant movement of energy within me.

I realized what I need to from this 'wind', I have to deal with it now, I need to be able to stand in face of the wind inside of me.

Ok, so what words describe this energy, wind, mind, chaos, unstable, control.

This thing has to go.

I'm going to call it my inner wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to box myself within the limitations of my inner wind, which is just s product of my mental energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need something 'more' within me, for me to walk my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at what I have created as my inner wind, where I'm angry now that I created what I have, because if I could go back and have guided myself better, I could have been in a different situation then I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create something which makes me 'different' and 'special', as now I realize I don't want this, I don't want to be special and different if I means creating this energetic prison as my inner wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my breathing when faced with my inner wind causing turmoil as turbulence, as I realize this thing has been a long time in the making, and is something I'm going to have to learn to not let distract me until I can forgive it's exsistance within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create each breathe I take as more than what my breathe feels like as the physical.

I just want to breathe in, breathe out, feel the breathe within the physical context without all this inner movement, inner wind, do my work, go to school, do my writing.

I'm sick of this.

This is fucked.

It's like I finally got to where I need to go, but now I have to turn back around and clean up the mess I've made of myself in the process.

Don't let the wind win.

Don't get wound up by the wind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on breathing within self awareness within self direction in each moment, as I realize to stop this wind, I must stop letting it win, stop letting my mind win, I have to breathe in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the wind moving within me instead of on the physical as each breathe.

It's going to take a lot out of me to fix this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what moves within me as more important than each breathe I take as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stop my inner wind all at once as I realize I must walk it out in time, through self forgiveness as the same way I created it through time and intention and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by my inner wind, as living the words subservient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become subservient to my inner wind, so that I would not have to be self disciplined and self directive, as everything would just fall into place on it's own.

I'm seeing that the wind is just one thing moving within me, I'm also moved by reaction, by my thought, by anxiety, by stress, by relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stopping this wind is no different than stopping any other emotion, feeling, or thought.

So I realize this inner wind is something I've created, but is no different than anything else which prevents me from being here and functioning to my most physical potential.

When and as I see myself giving up on my breathing, because of everything moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to keep breathing, and not give up, thusly, I commit myself to always direct myself in each breathe no matter what happens, and I commit myself to be aware of myself as the breather of my breathe, in each breathe, without excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret how much time I've lost within my process focusing on my internal creation.