Day 28- Hunger for Entertainment

I see how I like to write myself into my self forgiveness.

I like to open up different aspects and elements and realizations, and then use that as a guiding force.

Where it is not me thinking, write this, then write that, it's me here writing myself whatever is needed to support me to get to the points of self forgiveness I'd like to address within the writing.

Yet, with this point, it's like, such a large mass that I couldn't find any opening, I just have to begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the state of self suspension as entertainment as I'm playing video games or watching other forms of entertainment, where I feel as though my life will not become any more than it is, so I spend my free time in a stasis of watching a screen and tuning in, while tuning myself out.

I get home from work or school, and I'm like, 'that's it', 'I'm spent', 'time to tune out'.

That's a system, a systematic application of my mind.

A clear indication of the weakness I've developed within my mind.

I take a clear stance here, now, to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to systematically create weakness within me, where I decide I am too tired, and too overwhelmed, and decide to check out for the night, until I'm nodding off looking at a screen.

I am here,  I am demanding more from myself.

I am giving more to myself.

I have committed myself to life as one and equal, and I cannot stand by and watch myself throw away all the opportunity I have within Desteni, within my own work's and other's, as I settle for coming home, writing a little, and then passing out in stasis watching some show or some game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up and facing my relationship to entertainment, because I see myself as not strong enough.

The strength I do not have, is the strength I have deliberately given away, but as I work, as I move forward within my process, as I learn, I can see that fire, that will, the life that I could create as best as equal as one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself within my state of stasis as playing games and watching screens, where I am too tired to face life.

I commit myself to force myself to work harder within my process and within my day to day.

I commit myself to go further within my life.

I commit myself to 'be more' as realizing the mental obstructions I have created, forgiving them, and committing myself to applying real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to play video games.

Here and now I have never seen my mind's influence so vividly.

When at work and school or interacting with other's, there is so much happening in real time to work with and interact with, but here now, in silence, writing myself out, I can see the desire to call it quits for the night and play my games so vividly, like I can see the actual string be tugged in my minds eye.

My mind, influencing me, life.

In my video game self forgiveness from the other day, I committed myself to 'play that game', where I am not 'passing the time', or just 'checking out for the night', but deliberately making a decision for and as myself to not pass judgement or suppress myself from making the decision, but committing myself to be here with myself as I do it, as actively being a part of the creation of me playing my game.

and that's fine, that's still fine, but this string tugging me as life, is not fine, that is not me playing that game as and for myself.

If anything writing here and now is an uphill battle against my mind, not what my mind is trying to convince me to do.

To play that game under the influence of my mind like that as desire for fulfillment, as hunger for entertainment, is not me playing that game, it's me playing my mind.

It's not me making the decision for and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a desire for entertainment that pulls me out of myself and into my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe so sincerely that this desire is who I am, and that no alternatives for self transformation are available, that it requires me almost to an extent within my current exhaustion hallucinating about playing my game, and in that moment realizing that this is the most defined mental construct I've ever faced that then I realize what must be done as stopping my participation and relationship to this construct.

So for now, I go softly, yet firmly, as I commit myself to stop breathe and correct myself when and as the desire to go into the state of stasis as entertainment arises, and realize for myself, in self honesty, how I might other wise spend my time and allowance as the mind.

This is a step, I'm not committing myself to stop anything regarding games or videos, I'm committing myself to stop the desire, as stop, breathe, and direct, when and as I see the desire to watch/play arise.

But, here's the fun part... I stop, breathe, and direct/correct myself here as not participating within the desire within my mind, but then, I realize how I might decide to spend my time within that moment of stopping...

Will my mind continue to find more ways to influence me to play video games?

Will I decide for myself to play my video games, or watch funny videos on the internet?

Will I realize I am ready and willing to devote every spare moment I have to myself as life, and no longer regard playing video games as being what will support me as bringing about what is best for all of life as one and equal, and so no longer playing them unless I decide to under some stringent circumstance?

I don't know, all I know to do, is stop, breathe, and direct myself when the desire for entertainment arise, and to realize in self honesty what I am participating in when I decide to act as playing games/watching videos and realize how else I might best spend my time.

To commit myself to devote every spare moment I have to myself as life and realizing playing games does not support that and so no longer playing games unless under some stringent set of circumstance would be jumping the gun.

It would be putting myself in the corner knowing that I am likely to just claw my way back out.

I have given myself a fun, and practical self honest step towards realizing for and as myself how to spend my time in a way that will support me as life within my process, and I will not squander that by making bold commitments that are so specific that I realize I probably would not be able to stand for.

Day 27- Where is my Process? Process recap.

My Process began with me becoming introduced to the Desteni community, intrigue, investigation, and time spent sitting on these new concepts, all amalgamated into me taking the step to actually writing and doing the self forgiveness and self commitment some 6 years ago give or take.

Then writing on the forum, joining in 2011, putting myself out there to not just face other's being able to view and critique my writing, but me being able to face myself openly without restraint of suppressing myself knowing I am being observed.

The beginning of my self forgiveness was taking on some of those broader emotions and feelings, some of the most surface level stuff, things I still struggle within myself, but, I made that step of addressing, of trying, of self honest and self forgiveness.

Some things got too big, too frightening, too much, my parents reaction to me telling them about my process, being only 16 or 15 at the time I see why they react the way they did, but I allowed myself to become overwhelmed, yet in my mind, I still see it as I was overwhelmed, but I don't buy that, as hard as things have gotten, I cannot look back on it all and say that it was just too much, I have to face that no matter how young I was, and still am, and how hard things were, and still are, I cannot believe that it was not me who allowed myself to sway, and to fall.

Two times I 'left' my writing of self forgiveness and self honesty, yet never do I remember 'giving up' just leaving for a time a couple of times.

A few years trying to make sense of it all, trying to breathe, what is breathe, how do you apply it? Can I go all the way to self just by breathing? I couldn't, so I'm back again.

Now where am I? In the 3rd time's the charm state, 'This time will be it', 'This time's for real', 'I've got all the pieces, just to put them together.'

There's all this, and everything in-between, making my first Vlog, taking on more responsibility by working more, and becoming financially secure and able to support myself, coping with the death of my father (That's always a great pocket card, my father passed so I'm nullified of self responsibility now, it's not as effective an excuse when writing in self honesty.)  becoming more open, to the point of willing to bring Desteni up to a number of different people without fear of being stigmatized for the cult format of write 'this way', because that's not how I see it, it's a tool, a format, a lead a horse to water, write your 'own' way, or write 'this' way, I chose to write 'this' way, self forgiveness, and self honesty.

I present this all here for me, for others, for a number of different reasons.

I can see one reason, and I'll share it here as well.

One reason is, 'look at my legacy', 'look at all I've been through', and all 'I've learned'.

That's another good trick, wrap up my history and relationship to Desteni, give it a pretty summary, and a pretty story, and I 'love it'.

Unfortunately, it does not depict where I should be allocated, where I should have progressed to within my mind.

I can chalk it all up to a pretty story and a pretty picture, but here now, I'm just as lost within myself as I have ever been.

I'm just as disoriented and confused as I ever was.

I have only one thing within this writing, and that's my decision to stand as life within self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have crafted a pretty picture of my process within my mind, where I can see all that I have walked, and can imagine where it might have token me, all the while denying where I actually am in self honesty.

A good summary, a pretty picture, but now, where am I actually at within my process?

I'm walking the process of hate, of facing my hate in self honesty and self forgiveness.

The presentation of the pretty history and relationship I have to Desteni is the polarity of what I'm actually walking, pain, resentment, despair, greed, thievery, justification, power, villainy.

These are the things I'm walking, that I'm walking out of myself. I'm no villain, I'm not a thief, but such are the things I allow myself to exist as through my participation, through my mind, as the 'self' of the mind, as self without self.

I'm lost within my own breathe, I'm lost within my ideas of my process, I'm lost within all of my job's and trying to find a way to still make Desteni my number one priority without actually having mustered the will to write out and commit myself to that some how.

I really can't be bothered, and I'm lucky to have written every day for so long, because it is the one thin fabric of hope I still have for myself as life to regain myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this grim, horrifying expression of my process is in actual representation of my process, when really it is a clear polarity of the happy-go-lucky story of my process, and within this polarity I realize neither are representing me, life, process, I am here, I am trying, I am writing, I am learning, I move, I breathe, I exist.

"Yowch!", that was like a polarity whiplash.

To go from what I'd like to present my process as, as the beautiful story, to the actual state of existence I am currently self consumed by.

I now have my whole process in perspective, the good and bad of how my process exist in my mind, but what about my real process, the breathe I take in this moment, the radical self expression and self investigation presented here.

The length I will go in writing to get the the bottom of things within self honesty and self forgiveness.

I commit myself to discover what my actual process is, as life, beyond the polarities I have tried to cram my process into, as a box I can open, have a look, and then go on my way, apposed to a living process, expressed in every word I speak, unconstrained, unstoppable, life in the flesh.

Here is my real Process Recap; I see the possibility of real change within myself as one and equal to the world as all of life equal, and I commit myself to act only in each breathe in a way that is best for all life as one and equal, as I clear out all that stands within the way of that commitment through self forgiveness, self commitment, and writing. That is my Re-Cap, that is my reminder, that is all that is required to show to myself, I forgive, I commit, I breathe, I continue.

Day 26- Cigarette's

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke without self honesty.

Where there is advice from others, advice from doctors and researchers, and advice from addicts.

Yet, I say 'I'll listen to just one, to myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes based only on my self satisfaction as the feeling, and the experience of smoking.

I put this point behind me for a long time because I turned it into a very black and white, right or wrong polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn smoking into a right or wrong polarity, making it harder for me to face the simplest point of opening it up in self honesty and self forgiveness, no a definitive judgement or decision just a step towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up smoking in self honesty and self forgiveness because I fear 'quitting'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up this point because I fear I might realize it would be better for me to not smoke, and then I would have no choice but to quit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that self forgiveness is a definitive action, where if I realize something is best within writing than I will be acting out abuse by doing the opposite of what I realize is best.

I realize it is what I give to myself, a lead a horse to water situation, where if I were to realize something was best, I would be under no obligation to do that which is best unless I commitment myself to it, and in which case my commitments should be held in a regard of self trust and self honesty, where I know I am actually capable and willing to act on my commitment and so if I should fall in my commitment it gives me a chance to see where I was lacking in insight as self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear smoking has affected my ability to direct myself within breathe, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by this fear as allowing it to prevent me from actually facing this point in self honesty.

I realize I must face these hard truths, the things I don't want to face.

I realize this is not me, not my best interest, when I refuse to face something in self honesty.

That's the ego. That's the me I created to subvert my true power and potential as life.

It's not whither I do or don't smoke cigarettes it's that I refuse to investigate within self honesty,

I have turned cigarettes into a bad thing,

They could be great for my immune system for my bodily function, they could be a healthy herbal ingestion, or they could be cancerous and nasty,

But it is that I don't allow myself to find out in self honesty, because I fear the truth of my participation and creation.

I commit myself to investigate my relationship to
cigarettes, so I can find out not whether they are objectively good or bad, but so I can see what I have created as the act of smoking within myself.

I commit myself to investigate my relationship to my breathe in self honesty, to see if I am butchering my body within smoking, not so I might quit smoking, but so I might see for real the mechanics of my creation so I can make an informed decision, for and as myself as life.

Day 25- Annoyance

It's always external, always someone or something that has confounded my plans or goals.

Always an external block to my internal desires.

Never question my relationship to my goals and desires.

Never question my relationship to the things in my way.

Never taking it back to self.

Always blaming as if my goals and desires are so sacred, such a part of who I am, that I must defend my integrity as my goals and desires.

I return again to writing about a point after I've allowed myself to be in this state of annoyance for so long, I cannot stand to not write about it.

I have many specific things to write about, but if they are regarding specific people or instances regarding other's than it's better to use discretion as not using names or specifically identifiable instances, so to take the point back to myself, as not involving another in my own creation, if someone annoys me, I annoyed myself, I decided to be annoyed in relationship towards another within myself.

So, I will open up generally, yet specifically the point of allowing annoyance in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when I can't quite pin something down in my process, where I can't quite understand something, or I can't quite direct myself within correcting a point within self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed as frazzled as unsure what do to or what is going on and feeling 'lost'.

Things occur within me and without to question my path for me, to question what it is I'm participating in, and instead of listening I become annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become as allow the expression of being annoyed to take control, as me saying 'I give up' instead of actually listening to internal and external world in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the expression of annoyance, where in any given moment all that is required is for me to be thrown out of my comfort zone for me to become disturbed within myself as annoyance is a very minute irritation.

Why do I fight to stay in my comfort zone? Why have I defined that as in my best interest?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when my comfort zone is challenged.

What good has this comfort zone served me? And why do I have to fight within myself as annoyed or ever upset or mad when it becomes disturbed?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed as a means of not challenging myself, where I shut everything down and just boil in my own hatred, self hatred.

So I break this down, and what, why be annoyed at all? I'm annoyed with myself, with my own creation, the system I have committed myself to carry, as the baggage I have gathered all my life weighing me down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed with the life I have created within my participation.

I'm annoyed with everything, yet it is triggered in certain moments.

Interactions with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed within myself in relation to another as their expression within my mind.

Here and now, is like, look at all I have established within myself, a new perspective, a self honest one, to do this for myself, took nothing out of me, but gave me everything, so I've been choosing to be annoyed, I had the capabilities to stop it, to change it, and I work harder to keep myself annoyed than I do to just let it go in a single breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the uphill battle of annoyance, seeing here clearly in my writing, it would take nothing for me to stop this in comparison to how much energy I put into fueling this hatred.

It's part of my very identity, I identify within my comfort zone, within my preference, within my ideologies, yet I have to fight within myself as annoyance to maintain them.

I commit myself to no longer fight within myself to maintain my identity as emotion and personality and ideology and opinion, and I commit myself to no longer fight within myself when my ego as all I hold onto within my mind is challenge, as I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I become annoyed, as I realize I must let my guard down, leave my comfort zone, and take a step back to see what it is I'm really fighting for, as in this moment I realize it's all a facade, I must commit myself to stopping the annoyance as taking off the first layer of my defense against myself from self discovery as life.

Day 24- I Have Abused Breathe

I need to breathe each moment in self awareness,

where I can take myself back to the physical within self awareness as breathe to support me in stopping my participation to thoughts and any number of other mental activities.

To be here directing myself to make decisions based as closely on what is here within myself as life as possible.

As part of my commitment to my self forgiveness as stop, breathe, and correct.

To be here in each moment and to see where I slip away into my mind, out of the rhythm of life, as my blood beating through my heart, as my muscles bend, as my body sweats, to be here with these expressions of myself, and not off in my head day dreaming of some other body in another world.

I think to myself how difficult it will be to articulate what breathe is within my process, and yet it's all there, as far as I need to establish with myself in this blog.

I have many different experiences of expressing myself as breathe.

I have a lot of doubts about what is really being expressed in those moments.

I want to take myself back to the basics, because I don't know what I'm creating within my current experience of breathe.

Stop the feelings, stop the thoughts, stop the experiences, stop the emotions, stop the thinking.

Stop all things I have created within my mind, and reestablish myself as my real nature of equality, as acting on the best interest of all as one as myself.

I cannot write this out as efficiently as I must. I need to understand what I am doing in each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create different systems of 'breathing' as different expressions of energy flow within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these different 'ways' to breathe, where the breathe is the same inhale exhale every-time, and only in my mind do I find these different ways of expressing myself as breathe.

I sacrificed the progress of the process of life in the name of self expression as manipulation, as I manipulate myself within each breathe I take, where I fear to even face myself as a living breathing being.

I feel like begging, pleading, someone give me an answer. Yet, I sit down and write in self honesty, and self forgiveness, and I already knew the answer.

I have created a mess.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas of how to breathe, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how to establish my relationship to breathe as a tool within my process to life.

I need to articulate this point within more self honesty so I'll make this a part 1

I commit myself to investigate what I have created within the expression of breathe and energy movement, and see what is happening so I can write it out, because in this moment, I see not a single other possible answer than self forgiveness,

I have created a mess, and I realize I must clean it, this is what the world is, and it's good to see me come to this conclusion, yet it's only when I feel like I am being torn apart and cannot escape form my own abomination that I feel as though It's time to act within self honesty and self forgiveness.

I commit myself to be preemptive. To stop the creation of these systems of mind before they can be manifested within myself in such a way that I am suffering the repricutions.

This is going to be a rough investigation, I commit myself to take it easy and enjoy myself as I investigate what I am creating within my mind as the expression of breathe, as I realize I have nothing to fear of what I have created, I need only approach it with self honesty and self forgiveness.

Day- 23 Video Games as 'Filler'

Video games are a big industry. It's what I was born into, and what I learned mattered to me. What made me happy.

Video games are a big part of my life.

How do I open up some points for myself about video games?

What are the pros and cons of gaming?

Pros: The enjoyment that games bring me and others, the therapeutic possibilities, the community and interaction that forms between 'Gamers'.

Cons: They create a fantasy distracting from real problems, they aren't productive, they cost a lot of money.

These are interesting points, but what I need to do, is investigate my personal relationship within myself. I do not need to make a definitive decision of whether something is ultimately good or bad for myself or others. It's a big part of my life, so needs big investigation within myself.

I'd like to devote much of free time off work to the Desteni community, to writing, to working towards real change.

I'd also like to have games a part of my life as something I sincerely enjoy.

That's not really the point here either, but look at what I have already established, as I take it all in within self honesty.

I see how I am torn apart, I have created an impasse for myself, 'give up on everything and devote every moment I have to Desteni'

This ultimatum all or nothing is not what is going to best support me, black and white, all or nothing,

In self honesty, I need to write these things out, not beat myself up, and expect these spectacular leaps and bounds out of myself.

It's one day at a time, breathe by breathe, a team, one goal, one humanity. My progress of change is not dependent on whether I decide to spend free time playing games or not.

I need to relax and just open the point up with self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place video games on this pedestal of either it's good for me or bad for me, and in this not considering it is what I allow within myself, the choice to spend my time within it and how I allow myself to be influenced within the action of 'taking in' a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this ultimatum of needing to either decide that it's ok or take it out of my life completely, and in this showing my approach to things as being black and white, and not really giving to myself a self honest introspection, but instead forcing myself into a corner where I must make an irrational decision.

I fear that when I am playing games it has become a point of neglect, where I am not facing my world, but playing the pacifist disconnected from a direct role in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I play video games to not face myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point in self honesty to get a real answer that I can give to myself of what am I doing in these moments?

It's this point of 'what else can I do?' I read other's blogs, write my own, visit with other people, and go to work, sometimes I just play games, it's like a filler.

Alright, so regardless of whether it's the most efficient way to spend my time, what I know at this point, is that I've allowed it to justify me acting within the program of filler, padding until the next moment, a moment held in suspense, a moment lost to time.

So, if this is how I spend my time or not, or if my time is spent doing anything at all, I CANNOT tolerate filler.

Play as many games as I'd like to for the time being, but no filler, that's where I draw the line, that's my point of self support within this writing.

I don't know yet how I will be choosing to spend my time in the future or if I should ever change myself for real how I will be spending my free time away from work, but the one thing I can see clearly in self honesty, play games, read books, watch tv, but don't allow it to become 'filler'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to spend my free time on 'filler'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be directly here and involved in each decision I make in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the drivers seat within my decisions where I say 'this is what I'm doing', whether it is good or bad, this is what I'm deciding to do and I will be here with myself and directly involved in this activity.

So what if I did spend more time reading and writing within Desteni than I do with video games, what about when that becomes filler?

What about when I read someone's blog just to pass the time, and am not actually there in each breathe directing myself to read, to learn, to relate, to bring back to myself, and to understand this other person's perspective, than what does it matter if I were instead watching TV, or going for a walk?

What does it matter if I judge one activity as objectively good or bad, when I'm just taking the back seat like 'this is good to be writing self forgiveness, so I will just turn my brain off like I'm watching TV.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a back seat role in any activity I am participating in where I turn my brain off, am not breathing directing myself as breathe, and not focusing on what is occurring within me and my world, and just waiting for a moment to catch my eye.

Just as I wrote about purpose yesterday, and how I waited for my purpose to call me,

This is me acting out my commitment, this is me calling myself to action,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever just 'pass' the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad within myself that I could have let so much of my life surpass me by not being here no matter what the moment entails or how I view it's importance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some activities as more important than other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge writing self forgiveness as more important that playing video games, where in reality I could write self forgiveness in the most lethargic way and not even try to implement it for real, making it shit, worthless, something done without self honesty, and yet I could play a game with a friend and be totally involved and enjoy that experience and take something back from it,

So, this juxtaposition of right and wrong, it all comes back to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to box myself into a world of good and bad, where my decisions lye where my mind has placed the action as good or bad.

I commit myself to learn what is good and bad from the position of what is best for life, and what is not best for all life as myself as equal and one with it.

I commit myself to investigate how this good and bad actions has become just another influence bringing my process to life to a dead halt.

I commit myself to do what I do. If I am playing games, I commit myself to play that game, to be there in that moment, to breathe, to see, to understand, to learn, to let each moment be a moment with and as myself as I progress within the process to life.

I commit myself to never pass the time with any activity ever.

When and as I see myself acting within the expression of 'waiting' as passing the time, I stop, breathe, and direct myself here and realize that what I'm waiting for is now, I'm waiting for a chance to be involved, to be fulfilled, to be satisfied, to do something with my life, and that moment will not come with the passing of time, it will come with me bringing it to myself in each breathe now.

I commit myself to eradicate 'filler' as the expression of my mind, and to re-manifest 'filler' as me filling my lungs in each breathe, as me being fulfilled in each moment, as me directing my full body within each action and each moment here on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to doing something not good as not important within my judgement with the expression of 'filler', as taking a back seat, and just passing the time.

I commit myself to play that game, to see my friends, to go out into the world if ever that should be my decision, but... I commit myself to make it my decision, not a decision of my mind as passing the time, but how I have chosen to spend my time on earth for myself as life, one and equal.

Day 22- Redefining Purpose

"Porpoise"

Purpose, Desteni has been what I define as my purpose.

Yet, what has that meant for me? It's something I've held in my heart, what matters to me... Yet, I haven't devoted myself to daily writing in years, I haven't even been actively seeing what anyone else has been doing in a couple of years as well.

It was just something I held in my heart, not something I manifested to create a better world.

A better world for me has always been my own content, my own interests, my own desires.

If I have been holding Desteni in my heart, the writing, the agenda to create a better world system as reinventing the money system, the drive to become educated and more competent, I have done none of that for a very long time, yet that's what my purpose has been?

A shallow meaningless purpose, not lived, not real, just like an idea, I liked the idea of Desteni being my purpose, the same way a person will say, "I wish the world was a better place", for me, 'I wish I could embody the purpose that Destonians share'

The only other purpose I can recall, is a quick run in with spirituality, as my purpose is to be blissful and magnificent... Within the context of all the pictures and feelings I can create. A brief run-in, but how far down that rabbit hole might I have gone?

Those were the things I held in my heart as my 'greater purpose', neither really brought to fruition.

So how about, my purpose being how I chose to live? I chose to go to school, to hang with friends, to watch TV, to play video games, to work.

That's what my real purpose has been, the things I have actually done, not just what I have held in my heart.

If that's what makes me content, why change it?

Why am I about to re-define my purpose? Re-define the very word so I can change as the living word? Why? Why not keep everything as it is? A deep down feeling like all is not well with me? Because that's what other's are doing within Desteni so I might feel included? Because I want to make the world a better place?

I ask myself this question, and in my mind I think, 'it's death', I realize I will die, and what will I have lived for?

I realize I live in a bubble of a society, with amusement and alcohol to numb the truth. The truth of the world's pain, of my own pain, but I have not hidden death from myself, I realize I will die, and within that context I look at what I have been living for and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a purpose because I fear I will die having lived for naught.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to return to Desteni because 'I' realize I am running out of 'time' as I don't consider the greater role of my actions until I am motivated by fear of dying for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized that the purpose I have been creating as the living word is to define my purpose by what I see as best, but to act on the purpose of my self amusement and self happiness.

I commit myself to re-define myself as purpose, as what I strive for, as what I place my will into, as what I act on, as what I live for in every breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my living of the word 'purpose' into an excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word 'purpose' as doing what I please, but defining who I am as what I believe is the best and greatest of 'purposes'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have challenged my creation within the word of purpose, where purpose always seemed to define just a few special activists who truly seemed to be dedicated to a cause.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to degrade the word purpose, because I had not found a cause that truly drove me to action, so defined purpose within my life as 'waiting for a purpose'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out the word purpose as, waiting for action to call me, instead of calling myself to action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'hold' purpose within my heart, instead of living it for real, as realizing my purpose I'd like to both give and receive, and live it, because it is what matters, because it is what I do.

I commit myself to call myself to action.

I commit myself to live the word purpose, redefined for me, as writing with Desteni, being a part of the Desteni community, sharing my perspective with others and listening to theirs, learning what is happening in the world, being critical of how I behave and spend my free time to make sure my actions are being aligned with my purpose's, to change myself within self forgiveness and self commitment so that I can be better aligned with the world as one and equal to myself to change the world as one and equal to myself, and to discover what I individually can contribute to the creation of an equal monetary system where all life is held with honor and all life can receive what is best for life.

I commit myself to realize purpose as ever expanding, as I learn more, as I improve.

I commit myself to realize purpose as not being an endpoint, but being 'the' point, the single point that I am driven by, that I move as, that is the living word, as the purpose I give to myself in each breathe within my own free will to choose what is best for myself and all beings together as one.

I commit myself to not fear that my actions are not aligned with my purpose, as I realize my actions are my purpose, as my actions are what I give to myself in each moment, so it is not to realign what my purpose is within the definition, but to realign my actions, and face the interference and resistance that I will be facing in regards to my new purpose I am giving to myself for myself as one with all life as equal, as the equal purpose of a better world for all.

I commit myself to no longer wait for a purpose, but realize my purpose within each breathe, as realizing the living of my commitment to Desteni, to changing for real, to being here with others and learning and sharing with them, and creating a system that includes all as one and equal as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to live this purpose, as the living word, till death, as I use death not as an end point, but as a reference, a reference as YOLO, (A popular acronym representing the desire to live life to the fullest in sometimes radical ways, meaning, You Only Live Once)

What can I do with my time right now? Where should I take my life?... YOLO, I will make a better world for all of life as one and equal to myself, YOLO, I will write to improve my quality of life as one and equal to the quality of all living beings, YOLO, I will try to change the world using myself as a reference as stopping the influences over me, and reasserting myself in a way better for all life as one. YOLO, I do not know when death will arrive, but I will not take that as a reason to fall, but a reason to stand while I can.