Day- 23 Video Games as 'Filler'

Video games are a big industry. It's what I was born into, and what I learned mattered to me. What made me happy.

Video games are a big part of my life.

How do I open up some points for myself about video games?

What are the pros and cons of gaming?

Pros: The enjoyment that games bring me and others, the therapeutic possibilities, the community and interaction that forms between 'Gamers'.

Cons: They create a fantasy distracting from real problems, they aren't productive, they cost a lot of money.

These are interesting points, but what I need to do, is investigate my personal relationship within myself. I do not need to make a definitive decision of whether something is ultimately good or bad for myself or others. It's a big part of my life, so needs big investigation within myself.

I'd like to devote much of free time off work to the Desteni community, to writing, to working towards real change.

I'd also like to have games a part of my life as something I sincerely enjoy.

That's not really the point here either, but look at what I have already established, as I take it all in within self honesty.

I see how I am torn apart, I have created an impasse for myself, 'give up on everything and devote every moment I have to Desteni'

This ultimatum all or nothing is not what is going to best support me, black and white, all or nothing,

In self honesty, I need to write these things out, not beat myself up, and expect these spectacular leaps and bounds out of myself.

It's one day at a time, breathe by breathe, a team, one goal, one humanity. My progress of change is not dependent on whether I decide to spend free time playing games or not.

I need to relax and just open the point up with self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place video games on this pedestal of either it's good for me or bad for me, and in this not considering it is what I allow within myself, the choice to spend my time within it and how I allow myself to be influenced within the action of 'taking in' a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this ultimatum of needing to either decide that it's ok or take it out of my life completely, and in this showing my approach to things as being black and white, and not really giving to myself a self honest introspection, but instead forcing myself into a corner where I must make an irrational decision.

I fear that when I am playing games it has become a point of neglect, where I am not facing my world, but playing the pacifist disconnected from a direct role in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I play video games to not face myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point in self honesty to get a real answer that I can give to myself of what am I doing in these moments?

It's this point of 'what else can I do?' I read other's blogs, write my own, visit with other people, and go to work, sometimes I just play games, it's like a filler.

Alright, so regardless of whether it's the most efficient way to spend my time, what I know at this point, is that I've allowed it to justify me acting within the program of filler, padding until the next moment, a moment held in suspense, a moment lost to time.

So, if this is how I spend my time or not, or if my time is spent doing anything at all, I CANNOT tolerate filler.

Play as many games as I'd like to for the time being, but no filler, that's where I draw the line, that's my point of self support within this writing.

I don't know yet how I will be choosing to spend my time in the future or if I should ever change myself for real how I will be spending my free time away from work, but the one thing I can see clearly in self honesty, play games, read books, watch tv, but don't allow it to become 'filler'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to spend my free time on 'filler'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be directly here and involved in each decision I make in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the drivers seat within my decisions where I say 'this is what I'm doing', whether it is good or bad, this is what I'm deciding to do and I will be here with myself and directly involved in this activity.

So what if I did spend more time reading and writing within Desteni than I do with video games, what about when that becomes filler?

What about when I read someone's blog just to pass the time, and am not actually there in each breathe directing myself to read, to learn, to relate, to bring back to myself, and to understand this other person's perspective, than what does it matter if I were instead watching TV, or going for a walk?

What does it matter if I judge one activity as objectively good or bad, when I'm just taking the back seat like 'this is good to be writing self forgiveness, so I will just turn my brain off like I'm watching TV.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a back seat role in any activity I am participating in where I turn my brain off, am not breathing directing myself as breathe, and not focusing on what is occurring within me and my world, and just waiting for a moment to catch my eye.

Just as I wrote about purpose yesterday, and how I waited for my purpose to call me,

This is me acting out my commitment, this is me calling myself to action,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever just 'pass' the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad within myself that I could have let so much of my life surpass me by not being here no matter what the moment entails or how I view it's importance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some activities as more important than other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge writing self forgiveness as more important that playing video games, where in reality I could write self forgiveness in the most lethargic way and not even try to implement it for real, making it shit, worthless, something done without self honesty, and yet I could play a game with a friend and be totally involved and enjoy that experience and take something back from it,

So, this juxtaposition of right and wrong, it all comes back to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to box myself into a world of good and bad, where my decisions lye where my mind has placed the action as good or bad.

I commit myself to learn what is good and bad from the position of what is best for life, and what is not best for all life as myself as equal and one with it.

I commit myself to investigate how this good and bad actions has become just another influence bringing my process to life to a dead halt.

I commit myself to do what I do. If I am playing games, I commit myself to play that game, to be there in that moment, to breathe, to see, to understand, to learn, to let each moment be a moment with and as myself as I progress within the process to life.

I commit myself to never pass the time with any activity ever.

When and as I see myself acting within the expression of 'waiting' as passing the time, I stop, breathe, and direct myself here and realize that what I'm waiting for is now, I'm waiting for a chance to be involved, to be fulfilled, to be satisfied, to do something with my life, and that moment will not come with the passing of time, it will come with me bringing it to myself in each breathe now.

I commit myself to eradicate 'filler' as the expression of my mind, and to re-manifest 'filler' as me filling my lungs in each breathe, as me being fulfilled in each moment, as me directing my full body within each action and each moment here on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to doing something not good as not important within my judgement with the expression of 'filler', as taking a back seat, and just passing the time.

I commit myself to play that game, to see my friends, to go out into the world if ever that should be my decision, but... I commit myself to make it my decision, not a decision of my mind as passing the time, but how I have chosen to spend my time on earth for myself as life, one and equal.