Day 27- Where is my Process? Process recap.

My Process began with me becoming introduced to the Desteni community, intrigue, investigation, and time spent sitting on these new concepts, all amalgamated into me taking the step to actually writing and doing the self forgiveness and self commitment some 6 years ago give or take.

Then writing on the forum, joining in 2011, putting myself out there to not just face other's being able to view and critique my writing, but me being able to face myself openly without restraint of suppressing myself knowing I am being observed.

The beginning of my self forgiveness was taking on some of those broader emotions and feelings, some of the most surface level stuff, things I still struggle within myself, but, I made that step of addressing, of trying, of self honest and self forgiveness.

Some things got too big, too frightening, too much, my parents reaction to me telling them about my process, being only 16 or 15 at the time I see why they react the way they did, but I allowed myself to become overwhelmed, yet in my mind, I still see it as I was overwhelmed, but I don't buy that, as hard as things have gotten, I cannot look back on it all and say that it was just too much, I have to face that no matter how young I was, and still am, and how hard things were, and still are, I cannot believe that it was not me who allowed myself to sway, and to fall.

Two times I 'left' my writing of self forgiveness and self honesty, yet never do I remember 'giving up' just leaving for a time a couple of times.

A few years trying to make sense of it all, trying to breathe, what is breathe, how do you apply it? Can I go all the way to self just by breathing? I couldn't, so I'm back again.

Now where am I? In the 3rd time's the charm state, 'This time will be it', 'This time's for real', 'I've got all the pieces, just to put them together.'

There's all this, and everything in-between, making my first Vlog, taking on more responsibility by working more, and becoming financially secure and able to support myself, coping with the death of my father (That's always a great pocket card, my father passed so I'm nullified of self responsibility now, it's not as effective an excuse when writing in self honesty.)  becoming more open, to the point of willing to bring Desteni up to a number of different people without fear of being stigmatized for the cult format of write 'this way', because that's not how I see it, it's a tool, a format, a lead a horse to water, write your 'own' way, or write 'this' way, I chose to write 'this' way, self forgiveness, and self honesty.

I present this all here for me, for others, for a number of different reasons.

I can see one reason, and I'll share it here as well.

One reason is, 'look at my legacy', 'look at all I've been through', and all 'I've learned'.

That's another good trick, wrap up my history and relationship to Desteni, give it a pretty summary, and a pretty story, and I 'love it'.

Unfortunately, it does not depict where I should be allocated, where I should have progressed to within my mind.

I can chalk it all up to a pretty story and a pretty picture, but here now, I'm just as lost within myself as I have ever been.

I'm just as disoriented and confused as I ever was.

I have only one thing within this writing, and that's my decision to stand as life within self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have crafted a pretty picture of my process within my mind, where I can see all that I have walked, and can imagine where it might have token me, all the while denying where I actually am in self honesty.

A good summary, a pretty picture, but now, where am I actually at within my process?

I'm walking the process of hate, of facing my hate in self honesty and self forgiveness.

The presentation of the pretty history and relationship I have to Desteni is the polarity of what I'm actually walking, pain, resentment, despair, greed, thievery, justification, power, villainy.

These are the things I'm walking, that I'm walking out of myself. I'm no villain, I'm not a thief, but such are the things I allow myself to exist as through my participation, through my mind, as the 'self' of the mind, as self without self.

I'm lost within my own breathe, I'm lost within my ideas of my process, I'm lost within all of my job's and trying to find a way to still make Desteni my number one priority without actually having mustered the will to write out and commit myself to that some how.

I really can't be bothered, and I'm lucky to have written every day for so long, because it is the one thin fabric of hope I still have for myself as life to regain myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this grim, horrifying expression of my process is in actual representation of my process, when really it is a clear polarity of the happy-go-lucky story of my process, and within this polarity I realize neither are representing me, life, process, I am here, I am trying, I am writing, I am learning, I move, I breathe, I exist.

"Yowch!", that was like a polarity whiplash.

To go from what I'd like to present my process as, as the beautiful story, to the actual state of existence I am currently self consumed by.

I now have my whole process in perspective, the good and bad of how my process exist in my mind, but what about my real process, the breathe I take in this moment, the radical self expression and self investigation presented here.

The length I will go in writing to get the the bottom of things within self honesty and self forgiveness.

I commit myself to discover what my actual process is, as life, beyond the polarities I have tried to cram my process into, as a box I can open, have a look, and then go on my way, apposed to a living process, expressed in every word I speak, unconstrained, unstoppable, life in the flesh.

Here is my real Process Recap; I see the possibility of real change within myself as one and equal to the world as all of life equal, and I commit myself to act only in each breathe in a way that is best for all life as one and equal, as I clear out all that stands within the way of that commitment through self forgiveness, self commitment, and writing. That is my Re-Cap, that is my reminder, that is all that is required to show to myself, I forgive, I commit, I breathe, I continue.