Day 249- will I take the next step?

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I'm at a wall right now, I'm suppose to write and do writing, but I think what if I just relax and listen to some music, to release, but that doesn't match my actual goal, because I'm not supposed to listen to any music right now I'm supposed to do writing.

I have a ton of stuff I'm supposed to write about, because all day I notice little or big things that I could write out to help myself through the day, and I can't get it all if I don't write it out with a significant amount of time.

A really intense moment of facing stuff, but even though im writing now, it's like I'm holding back, I don't want to dive in, and make that statement, I want to make a statement of half assing it, to say I'd rather be doing something else.

Then my plans for tomorrow, just seem even harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized for not getting what I want and having to do something I don't want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to make myself take action while fighting against extreme desire to take inaction and fulfill my laziness and comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to judge myself for being proud of my plans for myself but not being able to act and move in that same pride that I experienced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of having to force myself into action against resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face the reality of my process I've been coming up on since I began, as the actual physical time application, as spending a significant time on writing and having to extremely cut back on my fun time to do the things I experience as fulfillment and happiness.

It's like the core of my entire process, to simply put in the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to get a rush out of postponing time and what I have to do, like 'fuck everything I can do what I want.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience joy being able to fulfill myself the way I want without anything to stop me, as I realize the point is to face myself, where there's no one to hold me accountable if I don't put the time into writing and walking through points in self forgiveness and correction, my life will just go to shit, or plateau, and plateauing where I am now will still be shit even though i'm better off then ever before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone as a symbol of me standing up for myself, when I'm standing up for my mind, and standing down for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear how easy it is to give into pitfalls like cutting time by doing something fun for just a few minutes then all of a sudden I'm so involved and happy with what I'm doing and then I forget about anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tempt myself by giving myself a taste of what I want and then suddenly I'm possessed through the very symbol of my action as trying to tempt myself where I already don't trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable because I can simply tell myself to screw off and choose consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking things to the next level so soon after already having pushed myself to the next level constantly and to no end since I started back up my process or self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overwhelming myself snf making a mistake by pushing things to the next level, when really what could go wrong? Me taking the actions of self forgiveness can only go right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that taking another big step within my process isn't pretty or fun or beautiful it's painful and disturbing.

The time I'm expecting of myself to put into working on myself and being involved with what other's are doing to learn from them for myself, seems unfathomable to me not too long ago, but day in and day out and now I can see myself making the decision to push myself even further then I ever have, but I can also see me standing down, because no one can make me do anything but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself any authority to act on what's best for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect my authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect my desires over my best intentions for myself.

One thing is, all it takes is that one time, to prove to myself what I'm capable of, and then I'll never forget it.

If I can match my expectations for myself tomorrow, then I can change everything for myself.

If I can continue to match my expectations of how much I want to commit myself to write and work on myself and do Desteni stuff and homework stuff, then I'm set for life so long as I continue to maintain and probably improve even more on that expectation of myself.

I don't care if I half ass it or do it poorly or am angry, if I can devote the time I have envisioned to school and homework and work and responsibility, then I'm done, there's nothing else to worry about for this chapter in my life.

When and as I see myself desiring to cave in yo the resistance to not fulfill my expectations of myself to any degree, I stop, I breathe, I realize that for me to become the person I'd like to be, I have to make this commitment to devote my time to practicality with very limited free time at some point, and the longer I wait the harder it gets, and I don't see it being as hard as I'm making it out to be, thus, I commit myself to put my full focus and action into making sure I am working towards fulfilling my goals within my time management regardless of if I fail or succeed tonight or tomorrow, but to make sure that I am always reaching and working toward my goal.

So that highlights something, yes I have succeeded to where I am by consistency, but there will always be the time and the point where I have to push myself over a bump, where I don't always have the luxury of having all the time to prepare and to get there slowly.

I see today and tomorrow as opportunity to make a big statement within myself and my life in really putting it to the books that not only is this what in doing, in self forgiveness and correction, but that it's the very center and soul of my entire existence.

Again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envision myself giving up as equal to how I envision myself succeeding in my time management and making a big stride in enforcing a new standard of time management for myself to devote more time to self improvement and thus becoming the person I'd like to be for myself and other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep the way I am so I don't spend enough time to really get to the bottom of things and can remain in the limited system I've created for myself through my mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that remaining half assed in only writing a limited amount of self forgiveness every day as humbling because I can humble myself before my day to day conscience and mental bull crap activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life as not being worth putting the effort into to improve and change, which is just insulting to me and my capacity as a living being one and equal who has a great opportunity if I can just create it for myself from what I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the life I have as not worth improving which just isn't correct at all, because all beings have to face themselves so I need to face this life that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in the work because I believe the work I have to do as harder then that of other's which is just a cherry picked made up comparison which isn't going to stand within me for more then a few moments, so is just a thought that I won't bother elaborating on so I can dive into more relevant stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge meeting my views for time management as being an ascending experience and movement in my life when that's just the opposite of wanting to give up and be complacent, it's going to be hard either way, but the way that's harder now pays off in the future, and the way that's easy only builds more debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into excitement as I can see myself reaching for the person I'd like to be in my time management goals, but then in just this moment of experiencing the excitement and now putting it into words and letters here I can imagine again how the excitement won't carry over into the real world actions I have to take, so the little excitement glimmer I just had was enough to totally throw me off in my application.

When and as I see myself fearing about the moment when the time comes to make the decision tomorrow if I am going to wake up and work my butt off, or will I sleep in a little and work off my butt just a little, or will I sleep in late and dick around all day when there's things I'm suppose to do, I stop, I breathe, I realize in reality I can make any of these choices, but there's only one correct choice, thus, I commit myself to make the correct choice tomorrow, I commit myself to when I wake up from my alarm clock to get myself up on my feet where I can take the next step, I commit myself to once I'm on my feet tomorrow to look at the time, so see where I can start, to take a breather, but not a nap, and to take action until I'm done with my work.

That actually opened a point I remember is one of the little points I was suppose to think about, or write about I mean, and that's naps.

Naps are a killer.

Not Actual Purpose

it seems like naps give me purpose, that they have purpose, I'm in-between jobs? And i'm tired? Take a nap, all of a sudden, I'm passed out, it's time to go to my other job, and I feel absolutely dead, and miserable, and just existentially fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control naps to get off through napping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time trying to control naps instead of just accepting that everything is fucked and naps are a trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to turn naps into something important and useful when I don't have the time in my life right now to take the risk involved with playing around with naps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the chance to take naps if I commit myself to stop messing around and flirting with naps as this even better then sleep reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can practice with naps during my free time before I go to bed even though it might be a trap, it's actually to me more practical then the other ways I spend my free time, because it's very focused on relaxing and breathing and being with my body.

So, I realize I can instead of watching videos or whatever fun activity I do during my free time I can instead try to take a nap and see how long I can go without passing out, which is why naps are a trap, because It's not meditation or getting in touch with myself, every time I try to take a nap to relax and enjoy my body in rest, I find myself suddenly awake and having to go to work because my nap turned into full on sleep within moments of laying down without me even realizing it.

So the point is, if I wake up tomorrow and try to lay down and take a little nap, I need to understand this is compromise, because it's a big risk that I won't fall back asleep another several hours and then tomorrow and my plans are fucked in the water, so naps are me fucking myself in the ass, seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool around with naps when I have other things I need to do then gamble on a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bet my time on a nap, as betting a little relaxation and comfort at the risk of losing several hours of my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it is to give into a nap when it feels so damn good to take a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to taking naps, because who would ever think that naps can be an addiction?

When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap when it's not my free time before bed where it's ok to go to sleep because I'm done with my work for the day, I stop, I breathe, I realize naps are not something I have even a little control over and are always going to be a risk, thus, I commit myself to only nap before I go to bed where there aren't any consequences if I fall asleep during my nap because I am already done with work for the day and am ready for bed.

That's one pitfall, but then there's one other important pitfall for tomorrow.

The other pitfall besides naps is cutting off the edge, not very unlike naps within it's resonance for me.

Cutting off the edge is like, going on facebook automatically and just scrolling through shit for any length of time, which is a double edged sword because there is desteni stuff on facebook but then there's just random posts and a lot of crap, so it's better to go on facebook with a direct purpose and to act accordingly so I don't suddenly find myself droning out scrowling through crap.

Then there' music, listening to just one song just maybe while I'm taking a walk, or to help me think, as nice as these two things might seem, they're temptations that I should not have to deal with to begin with.

Then a little more obvious is watching one video, for example hearthstone the card game I play, it's like I can watch one video and it might be 20 minutes long, and that's setting up my momentum for failure, like if I just spent 20 minutes watching this match or video of multiple matches, then why not an hour, then why not 2 hours, then why not just forget everything I'm setting forth right now and give up completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the slippery slope of watching just one video on youtube.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in just one video where when I'm not standing my ground and my principles then yes, why not just give up completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect how devastating it is to give in even just a little bit to compromise when I'm trying to actually make a sound in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize just like naps giving into just one video of hearthsone or anything entertainment and all of a sudden it's 2 hours later and I haven't taken action and now why even bother because I've already wasted so much time I might as well just go all in on abdicating what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself to a standard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as good enough to hold myself to a standard as every single other being in a position of power does to themselves so that those who have to hold themselves to a standard but have no power continue to get the shit end of the stick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of the messed up system of laziness and not becoming someone of worth by not holding to my standard of what I realize I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at a video without realizing I'm doing it as I realize if I can be so zombified to not even realize I'm watching a video then the very least is once I wake up from this unconsciousness possession that I can correct myself immidetely once I realize what's happened.

When and as I see myself wanting to watch just one video when it's not my free time before bed, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's time to start raising the bar of the standards I live by to support myself within my process, thus, I commit myself to not watch any entertainment videos or anything messing around on the internet until it's my free time before bed, I commit myself to think, to dream, to day dream before I give up physically, as I realize it's better to dream up or think up an idea for myself to take into the real world and live then it is to automatically act out my zombie program of immidetely wasting the time I have on earth with zero consideration for myself or what I'm doing, I commit myself to live the word consistent as I realize I will have to be very very consistent if I want to hold myself to this legendary epic standard of self management and time management I'm trying to hold myself to, but I also know there is one exception for this rule which is ironic but I get it and I know what it is, but I'm not at liberty to say.

Day 248- suppressing backchat into listening to backchat

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my backchat by trying to control it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mutter my backchat out kind as though it will stop it from fueling when it might just make it worse because I'm bringing it into the physical even more by speaking it with all the emotion and feeling that I experience it on the inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my backchat like don't think that you know Bette then that when the backchat itself is just representing something deeper to fighting the backchat is like trying to bucket out the water instead of plugging the holes to the boat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress my backchat instead of opening it up to see what it really represents in the core.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control my backchat instead of changing myself to no longer be the being that produces all the mental barrage of hate and spite as backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight my backchat instead of addressing myself as my being produced in the backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with myself unable to do anything about the backchat playing in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to sit back and watch the backchat unfold before me unable to stop it without suppressing it and making it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to react as being unable to tolerate what I have created instead of supporting myself to hear the backchat and let myself see and understand what it is showing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define back chat as degrading me instead of supporting me to see what lies beneath the words in my had in ho I actually am conditioned to feel and experience things coming through to me as channeling voices into my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable letting the voice play out in my head as I realize to stop them is to forgive and to change, to stop them through my mind, is like fighting fire with fire, and is why I have formed this particular suppression relationship to backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge judgement backchat as bad and to be annihilated on site, when this annihilation is actually suppression, and I want to hear the judgement pure and unadulterated because it's me judging myself and I want to know what's going on without a fear filter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that having a judgement backchat of someone else is the problem, when I'm the problem for being and existing within judgement of someone else as the backchat itself is just putting it into words for me, for which I should be grateful that I've formulated my judgement so much that it's now in words I can listen and study my words no matter how cruel or unkind so I can refer to these words to support myself in where I am misaligned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my backchat instead of listening to it.

When and as I see myself suppressing my backchat as the voices talking in my head, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's better to investigate and get to the bottom of what's going on at the core that these voices are having the opportunity to pop up instead of just pretending like I'm hearing these voices when I am along with everyone else, thusly, I commit myself to breathe and listen to what the voices are saying without altering or suppressing them so I can see what I need to see about myself, where from there I trust myself to take it to the next step of self forgiveness and correction.

Day 247- accept fear

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Accept

Ac cept

Act cey point

Act on the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's to support me when I don't want to accept what i have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out in spite of needing to accept without resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept things within me to go unchecked because they don't matter.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept that anything I do does not matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt and be in pain as long as I get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my wants to be what I really want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept who I am out of hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to hate other's as I accept myself to hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept myself to believe I'm not a hater.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I cannot do it, when I have to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that there is any other way for me but the way I know is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I deserve any less then what i receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that my words cannot be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting what I've created in desperation to not accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my perception to mislead me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I'm not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept being rescued by anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I won't be able to make it through any longer every time I tell myself that's the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my end as giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my past without forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept neglect.

I forgive mysekf that i have accepted and allowed myself to not accept what i have accepted.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept being more then who I am in the eyes of other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not accept myself as equal to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept my punishment.

When and as I see myself denying that I am what I accept, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can't accept myself for any less any longer without more consequences then I can handle, thusly, I commit myself to accept that I have acceoted my life to be what it has become, I redefine accept as to admit to myself the truth and to move forward accordingly with acceptance, I commit myself to live the word acceptance as an expression of me accepting what I have become and moving forward as change.

Fear

Fee are we

Fe in the air

F'er

Fair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot put myself back together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being attacked.

I forgive myself that k have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have done to deserve who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear retribution.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the path ahead.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear will of man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking through real time as real torture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being enslaved throuh my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never finding paradise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the name of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to make it through with any integrity left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my faults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the words of my fear to rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for fear.

When and as I see myself living in total fear, I stop, I breathe, I realize self trust, thusly, i commit myself to challenge my fear by putting my fear to living words, I redefine fear as the worst I can do to and for myself, thusly, I commit myself to live fear as being my reference for where u must go and what I must do to face myself in the name of fear.

I redefine fear as the lowest point I can take myself in my mind.

I commit myself to live the word fear by seeing where my lowest points are and correcting myself to stop taking my life in that direction.

Day 246- Smooth Sailing

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For a while now my goal to reach within myself is smooth sailing.

Where in the course of the days going by that things for me become easier, smoother, while still holding myself to a bar of taking on lots of responsibilities, so that I know things aren't just smoother and easier because I'm not doing anything to challenge myself.

I have this idea of an end point for myself, when things will be so smooth and natural that I can just work, go to school, do my writing and just lay back and enjoy the ride, find a good degree of ways to keep challenging and raising the bar without affecting my smooth chill existence.

I see myself bringing this chill smooth ride point into my living already.

I get scared that it might be mind trap where I will always be seeking to find this Zen inner cool within myself and wasting time seeking it, or that I might grow complacent and not push myself like when I found a nice groove and just stayed there and avoided others who might challenge me when I left my self forgiveness writing for 1-2 years.

I like saying it out loud, how it resonates when I say and see and realize that I've done well to bring through the word/phrase smooth sailing.

Because every time I push myself to do what I need to do, or make a hard decision or try something new, or change something, or realize something, I can see how it's all contributed to supporting me to not only work more take on more, but to also do it with stride, smooth, easy, enjoyable.

I've seen myself get totally destroyed within myself energetically emotionally physically, and seen myself continue without doubt about what I need to do in simply sticking out self forgiveness this time around.

That's been another big part of my life, is sticking out with self forgiveness, till the end, which I don't see being a challenge sticking it till the end this time, but the challenge being how much can I do in a day, not will there be a day when I quit, but will there be a day I'm disappointed with how much I did or how lazily I did it

Those things go hand in hand because self forgiveness and correction make life smoother and easier.

I see myself realizing and comprehending different aspects of self forgiveness application in ways that would be challenging to me now, but that i can always try occasionally, and see how I can work towards taking on deeper layers within myself, taking bigger strides, making more sacrifice, making harder decisions, digging deeper into things.

So, whatever self forgiveness do I apply from here?

I've been trying words more often, and finding how looking at a word trying to livr a word, even though I'm not totally grasping it yet is a great place to keep working on.

So sailing.

I wear collared shirts that my dad used to own, and they to me make me look like a little sailor.

A little sailor out on the ocean.

The ocean the wide scape, I have emotional ties to the idea of what the ocean represents to me, this deep emotional fulfillment.

Sailing

I love the idea of snailing, no rush, just one inch at a time, it can seem scary because a snail seems to go so slow that it doesn't seem to accomplish as much as an ant, but it does leave a trail behind it.

Say

Snail

Say ill

Say ill do something and it's done.

That's been my dance with self forgiveness lately, for some things need more direct attention and effort, but for a lot of things, to just say the self forgiveness, and then correction, and to not even think about it again, say and ill do.

That's been a point I've been working on to build self trust, if the point comes back up, it's because u didn't say enough specific enough, which is ok because I don't have all day go write out a single point, I can layer it over many days.

Say ill do.

Say ill do it and it's done.

That's where I'd like to take my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sailing off course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the places I've sailed myself into in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's sailing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not realizing I'm sailing into consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having total control over the ship as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being a poor sailor for where I've taken my life in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear I'll be punished forever for where I've sailed myself as my interactions with other's in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to sail out of the storm of the past and truly being able to lay things down to rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the benefit of considering the entire picture of the past instead of splicing it into the most intense and unbearable aspects.

When and as I see myself fearing never being able to lay the storm of the past down to rest, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I consider the entire picture of where I was in my life and who I was in my life instead of chopping things into the most hard to process fragments that there's nothing holding me back from forgiving and letting go of anything in this moment and all moments to come, thusly, I redefine sailing as opening up and taking to the wind, where no matter where I go or have been, I know I can trust myself to see the influence of my mind and my ability to forgive and correct any time I sail off course, and no matter how far, thusly, I commit myself to live the word sailing as realizing and living the word sail as both the freedom to let the wind take me, as letting myself go and exploring and expressing, as well as the consequences of not considering where the wind will take me and when to drop anchor and ground myself, when and as i see myself holding how I've been influenced by my mind to extreme and unacceptable ways, I stop, I breathe, I realize that over time I become more trust worthy through continues applying myself in self forgiveness and correction, thusly, I commit myself to learn from the past but to leave it behind me when it comes up in my mind so that I can instead reassert myself as what I've learned and where I've come to be.

Which brings me to another thingy.

Loose ends.

The things I know I haven't brought through to completion.

It's scary seeing things come up which I know I have not brought through to completion, it's scary to see that I'm not done being haunted, and haunting myself with certain points or events.

What I realize is that each time I do self forgiveness and correction in brings me closer to being able to better and easier take on all points.

So a point might come up now that I'm like wow this is going to be a real uphill fight to forgive and come to terms with in correction, but then because all points are related like strings, all of a sudden in a day, month, year, what seemed like my dead end, will suddenly be wide open.

So it's ok that I don't see one point all the way through, and that I don't just focus on one point until it's mastered, but accept that in time I can come back with more in me, with more trust, with more experience, with more openness and forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over where I'm not completely standing in a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of points and accept that I need to focus on points that are more relevant or available sometimes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the desire to free myself from what's chewing at me to the point that I'll be influenced by my emotions to not address as best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my judgement that a point is more important then any other because it's chewing at me the most when I'm letting it chew at me the most because I've given it the most value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with an eagerness to free myself from everything I'm holding against myself that I cannot act clearly and specifically for anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to believe I need to experience the full emotional force and experience of any given point to be able to write it out properly and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be in pain in relationship to my emotional attachment to a point before I'm able to move forward, as I realize I'm forgiving not moving away from or paying my dues on an energy karma level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live with the loose ends by recognizing they exist and letting go, moving forward with my life realizing I'll address everything in time and application not in storms of constant
emotion reminding me that I'm still unforgiven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with each and every unforgiven point when I could be supporting myself in standing stronger within myself in relationship to my loose ends where I don't let loose ends influence me.

When and as I see myself being influenced by loose ends into going into torture as turmoil, i stop, I breathe, I realize that attacking myself with emotional baggage won't support me to stand in changing myself, thusly, I commit myself to be strong when loose ends come up, and to express loose ends within myself as just reminders of what's left to be addressed at some point.

Day 245

Investigate Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowi
ng my need within my mind to be recognized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where to go to speak about this experience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate that my run cannot continue and that I have to find a way to forgive and correct and admit to myself that I intentionally feed into any attention and special worth I can get through other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I can keep going is if I'm special in some way and everything I do means something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate so much that I'm afraid I've taken things too far to come back from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself all alone in addressing my manipulation to make myself more then my actions and where I really stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go all in on manipulation because I left walking my process together and with self forgiveness for so long that I felt I had to compensate some how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being strong enough to remove my crutch of ego and value to get ahead to where I believe I would have been if I hadn't given up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent I have to walk to forgive myself and trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the lines i crossed in manipulation will end me before I have a chance to forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear it's too late for self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not wanting to accept how much I've diminished myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself before the truth where I just want to get past this without having to walk out the full extent I've taken self manipulation to convince myself of my worth and value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowing what I really am in my words and actions and letting me ride out without intervention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not intervene because I hoped that I could out run the consequences I've piled up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself I'm above consequences instead of living and forgive myself in relationship to the consequences of deceit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate myself being a high functioning deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give as id like to receive.

When and as I see myself trying to manipulate other's, I stop, I breathe, I realize all I'm doing is postponing me facing myself, thusly, I commit myself to look to myself first before trying to influence other's.

When and as I see myself acting on the desire to be special, i stop, I breathe, I realize in this moment in speaking aloud I cannot forget the truth of myself, thusly, I commit myself to support myself to walk myself out first and foremost before I can stand as a symbol that is not abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into relationships with women in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into relationships with women and manipulate to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave one girl for another and feel special and powerful in being able to be manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a girlfriend for pride where I'm not proud or living pride in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek a girlfriend without considering all parties involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure about myself and carry that lacking I experience into my actions and words and definition of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I've done in terms of manipulation of women will prevent me from ever being trustworthy in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gain strength in being able to ruin my own chances at relationships with women through my behavior and enjoy the conflict I create within myself where I enjoy feeling bad for myself for my actions which I decided deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in relationship to women when i get caught up in the experience of desire and do not want to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can manipulate in my secret mind and escape consequences of doing so.

When and as I see myself manipulating in relationship to women, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm lucky that I don't get very far with women as it is because I have a lot I need to take back to myself before I can actually create a relationship with someone I can be proud of, thusly, I commit myself to stop putting my relationship issues behind me by simply avoiding relationships, and to instead take relationships slowly so that I have the time to walk with the relationship and take everything back that is not standing.

When and as I see myself over thinking not being manipulative, I stop, I breathe, I realize I must live the word manipulative as avoiding expressing this word as myself as living this word as a reference for what not to do, thusly, I commit myself to live the word manipulation in all ways ij each breathe as a reference for what not to for what my lowest common denominator is and what to avoid at all costs.

In taking myself back from my relationship to manipulation over several months after facing consequences and realizing the extent that I'm still unresolved so moving into more action within self forgiveness, I remember how hard things are for me, I remember how difficult I've made things when I'm so busy trying to 'help' other people.

Self

To take things back to self

To speak for myself from myself

To look to myself before acting and speaking

That would help me, to realize I'm not in a position to help any more then to point in the direction where real help can be realized through desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand for self help by helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not help others by helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have time to help myself first as I realize trying to help others before I've helped myself as forgiven myself and walked myself is a waste of everyone's time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to boost myself up by martering myself in trying to help others without having walked the word help through me as helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm only trying to take things back to myself now because I've run into too many walls and created too much consequence neglecting myself and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that not walking things out to completion as myself but trying to get ahead through separation and manipulation is all I'll ever be able to know in my life time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desperation to get out of my behavior pattern is only going to make things worse when I forget and decide to create consequences instead of figuring things out the right way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm trapped in being unable to draw the line with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the question when will I be in a position to support others not be something that I live and realize as one and equal but instead something that burns at me and leads me to take actions I know will cause harm to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I can ask questions through living words, where if I'm sound I'm sound, and if I'm not then I need to take back to myself without question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not always take back to myself through sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate sound so I cannot hear my own sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize I can answer all questions to ever existence by taking myself back to self as sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can escape sound and make a clean get away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the truth inherit in self as sound where my lies can be heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my foundation as learning through sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through my mind and not sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sound myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate sound for always finding me as I find myself stuck here in my own sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the movement of sound for my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to twist myself in interest to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the pill as peeling myself away from what's not best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the hint of sounding things out for myself and living in action as sound resolution.

So,

When when and as I see myself not getting the picture, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm going to be ok if I trust myself to live and act with sound as self, thusly, I commit myself to live sound as self as self trust.

I redefine sound as self.

I redefine self as sound.

I commit myself to live sound as self trust as doing what's best, as I realize if I can live the words what's best for life before I die and until I die then I can be trusted as sound.

So what's in my future?

Few true

Few torture

Viewing my own torture future

In my future there will be torture a touch to tour me throuh consequences.

Do I have any plans? To stand down and be weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this whole thing happen by standing down against myself and being weak when I'm not living the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word that I need when I need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my words with speaking doubts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my word by speaking hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my word by speaking cruelty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my words by speaking fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself with my word as crafting my word as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of the words in my head being equal and one with the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear throwing my words away without considering.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my words being lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my word as my body as lousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word being overridden by personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word just going no where.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fill my life with living words to cover the whole spectrum si I don't have to worry about falling away, but fan trust myself as living the word no matter what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away from the word world.

I'm so fucked because how will I live self forgiveness for the word?

How will I correct myself?

When and as I see myself fearing I cannot take on all my words at once, I stop, I breathe, I realize one way or another there will be a word, thusly, I commit myself to always take myself back to the word before anything else.

Personality comes before my words.

Hate comes before my words.

I don't give my word value.

I redefine word as value.

I redefine word as the diamond

I redefine word as the snake, as a snack for when I'm hungry, and as the snake as the tongue.

I redefine the word word as the jewel of creation.

I commit myself to live the word no matter what, without choice, as I'm making the one and only choice in this moment.

Day 244- life is better more simply

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Word; Best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best Instead of my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my best in comparison to other's best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best I can without being willing to put in the effort to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over who is the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as worthless if I cannot be the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see there as no purpose to do anything if I'm not the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself and hurt myself to become the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be the best I can for others instead of better then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best so I can be unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best so I don't have to question myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word best as an excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live best as a justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's being more powerful then me through being the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how compulsively I've seen and watched my relationship and living of best change through my mind and how easy it was to let it roll over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my relationship to bring the best has been a long time in the making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fated to be the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as the beast instead of the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be the best as driving myself towards what is best without attachment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my living of the word best because I was not ready to step into being my best.

When and as I see myself comparing the best of myself to other's, I stop, I breathe, I real that i will never be anyone else so will never have to walk the best of anyone but myself, thusly, I commit myself to stand for people pursing their best and not the best of someone who one is not, I redefine best as being the highest most optimized form of something, where I can achieve my best in one way within being satisfied with that ad being what I define as my most optimized which can be improved, as I realize there is no true most perfectly optimized anything as it is always up to me to decide that best had been achieved and no one else can tell me either way.

Word... More

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear myself down into nothing looking for more in everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never grasp anything completely and always look instead for more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for more meaning in everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything as meaning more then what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conversely choose to see more in things when I pay attention to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entitled to know more of what's going on around me on a deeper level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know things more on a deeper level before even understanding things on a surface level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire more in everything before even embracing and living things for what I can take them for and understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to muddle everything by never accepting anything on the surface but instead looking for deeper symbols and emnaknf that i cannot even do anything with bug reacrbanf respond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume just because there is more to something that I need to pursue it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on more then I can chew in relationship to other's out of selfishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on more then I can handle because I want to be 'more'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as evil for wanting to take on more for myself without reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take more out of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take more because my life is unfair so I should take whatever I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn myself for wanting more when I only stop seeking more out of consequences and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for never being satisfied until I've taken so much that I have to face consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do nothing to stop my addiction to taking more then what I should.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed more and more until I simply cannot consume anymore when this is too much and I should be taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my ego is more then I can feasibly deal with as i realize over time through principle or consequences I can direct myself to not seek so much and take so much more then I need or require to feed myself or to realize something or to build up momentum in a part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word more as my purpose in life as to take more then I can, more then I deserve, more then I'm ready for, more then I can conceive of, more then is reasonable, more then is fair, more then is acceptable, more then is just, more then is cruel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not yet having paid my debts for taking more then I should from myself and other's as I realize in the end I have to stand for myself in self responsibility so I only I can pay off my debt for all I've take.

When and as I see myself fearing the debt I have built for myself for all that I have taken, I stop, I breathe, I realize that no matter what happens outside of myself, my responsibilities is to take self accountability for all that I've taken, thusly, I commit myself to take self responsibility for all that I've taken regardless of what happens outside of myself.

When and as I see myself seeking more in all ways, I stop, o breathe, I realize I'm living more in separation. As I'm not whole until I have more, thusly, I commit myself to realize to seek more outside of myself is to be standing in separation, thusly, I commit myself to cut myself off when I find myself seeking more so that I can face what I have separated myself from as the hole I'm filling, and stop myself from continuing to fill the hole as I realize this will create many no good consequences that I'm not actually prepared to deal with.

I redefine more as meaning more is required to be complete, so I live not seeking more within myself as a being because as w being I am physical one and equal and complete.

I can support myself using the word more as making myself comfortable by doing more writing, more homework, more activities to keep me on top of my responsibilities, where I always need more writing and speaking self forgiveness because until I die I should not be completely done with self forgiveness.

I can always do more activities because the amount of activities I can do to support myself or other's in this life time will never be complete.

Word; simple.

Sim peel

Sim person peel

Peel away who I am through simplicity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love complication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love making things more complicated then I can handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love putting myself at a disadvantage so that I can stand down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love having a back door through over complication making simple tasks impossible from the point of the mind and then justifying the stand down and run away tactic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead myself on expecting a great aser and reason for complicated issues and interactions as I realize I make things more complicated by my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what could be simple and turn it complicated and destroy it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being satisfied with simplicity and ordering to complicate things until they become unbearable.

When and as I see myself taking the simple and making it complicated, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I cannot handle something on a simple level, I cannot handle it on a complicated level and will make consequences that I do not enjoy, thusly, I commit myself to make sure I can handle things on a completely simple way before considering taking things on in s more complicated way.

I redefine simple as being the lowest common denominator of perfection.

I commit myself to live simplicity in all ways as making sure I can handle all things in all ways on the simplest way before hitting myself with things that I know are uncertain and dangerous.

Day 243- I'm Selfish

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Being selfish doesn't help me or anyone else.

So it shouldn't be a big deal, I should just be able to change, but I need to stop beating myself up about it, and getting mad about it.

I think about how I left Desteni to walk my process alone and without writting and I just wanted to figure things out on my own, and I have these thoughts about who I could have been if I had just not made that one choice to go my own way, and today it had built up for so long that I was very angry at myself that I had been selfish and just thinking about all the ramifications and consequence I've left myself in because of that choice, and how I can't even remember how it all happened, except for a few elements.

I think about how I play around and don't take things serious when I'm supposed to.

Of how I should be more helpful and compassionate, and not be a jerk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paralyze myself with horror at how little I try to be better for myself and other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not try to be better person for myself and other's because I already am doing so much more then I have before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for platueing, and not pushing myself past the resistance to be nicer and more helpful and doing more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I failure for all the times I could have pushed myself to be better but found it easier to be stubborn or rude or lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be a good person, as living words like compassion and support and principle, when there is resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to not push myself to be the person who I'd like to be if there is any resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only step into the character and behavior and principle I'd like to be when it is easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my character of least resistance drive me to do and be something I know I could be better then if I only pushed myself even though there's resistance or I don't want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to view the only change that matters as the change that comes without resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve restiance as meaning that there's no way to actually change to justify my way of life and what I want.

When and as I ser myself not stepping into the role of like to take for myself as living the words compassion, principle, supportive, I stop, I breathe, I realize that pushing through resistance is something I need to start doing to support me to change my behavior and principle, thusly, I commit myself to face resistance as a part of changing as showing me where the opprituinuty to change is apposed to meaning that I've already failed.

I don't even know where I got the idea that to change should not require resistance, that doesn't exactly describe the thought but of course I know because from the greatest conflict and resistance has come my greatest changes and challengs and learning experience and opprituinuty, so I don't know how to explain this pattern of caving as soon as I face resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to judge myself as bad because there is no excuse for being selfish all the time.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having no excuse to be selfish while simultaneously creating excuse to be selfish, because judgement doesn't change me.

I forgive myself that I have avcelted and allowed myself to justify being selfish because I already work hard, and do lots of things so I should have the right to be lazy or careless sometimes because I'm tired and it would be too hard in me to push myself to excell more then I feel like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that it isn't fair I should have consequences for not being better when I am already pushing myself to be better all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myskef to justify my selfishness our of comparison where if I'm working this hard on myself and my life then you should be as well and I'm not going to go any further until you do as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish when I'm full of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being dull of myself because I inheritly will put myself on a pedestal and then beat myself down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to justify being mean and saying means things in my head even though I can see why im wrong because I cannot help it when I get angry over something.

When and as I see myself justifying all the reason I have to be selfish, I stop, I breathe, I realize I always have reason I can come up with to not push through into nee better behavior, thusly, I commit myself to push through the justification and into living the words compassion as having compassion that it is hard to change being selfish but still firm as asserting myself to change.

What's one more thing about being selfish?

I could think of a lot.

Since just yesterday I was not able to think of anything to write about because I've been very focused on everything moving within me, apposed to real world deeper living things, like behavior and patterns and things that have to do with real world interactions apposed to all the things moving within me that don't directly have to do with what's going on around me.

I'll just randomly think of something.

It's selfish that I don't help out around the house or clean up after myself very good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shamed that I'm so selfish i won't carry my weight if I know someone else will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to justify not cleaning up after myself and being responsible around the house because 'I work hard so deserve slack.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make a mess and don't properly clean up just try to put it behind me even though I know that I should push myself as hard as I can and cleaning up after myself is a very simple and easy place to start.

I forgive mysekd that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who don't clean up after themselves and expect there mom's to do it as being spoiled and bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to fear the extent of my selfishness because I don't create big problems for anyone else just little things where I just want a little help.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not help myself even for things that I view as little favors that don't amount to anything, where if it doesn't amount to anything then I should be doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not taking cleaning up after myself as serious where I'm afraid of how easy it is to see myself not even trying to step into being more response around my house and even at work where there's way I could do better there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning up after myself is punishment where I deserve a little help around the house because I'm focused on school and work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beinf tempted by how easy it is to let myself forget what in saying and lead myself into consequences to be faced before actually changing.

I firfivr mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the consequences of being selfish and lazy that I already have made be enough to allow me to make the push to be better.

When and as I see myself leaving loose ends ad not totally cleaning up after myself as I'd like to be, I stop , I breathe, I realize that even if it's just a little thing like cleaning up after myself that there are consequences, thusly, I commit myself to do whatever it is I need to do to push myself and find the will power to clean up totally after myself when I leave a mess around my house.

I commit myself to from there push myself to be better around the house in other ways of helping.

I commit myself to also be more helpful at work.

Then, just one more thing.

I think about how, if I commit myself to something now, then it will come up in my life, and give me a chance to speed things up, with consequences or with a chance to take action and change.

So either is good really because both are needed sometimes.

So, I commit myself to enforce all of my quitting commitments for cigarettes and energy drinks.

I commit myself to be more stern in establishing my time and schedule managing for home work and writing and working out to not be so leunannt in letting things slide or be not as effective.

I commit myself to be more stern in enforcing my schedule for entertainment which I'm still designing.

I commit myself to be nicer to people where I don't get lazy and stop caring when I'm tired or not feeling well.

I commit myself to keep watching the reptilian series from Anu. Which I wanted to make a regular thing out of because it's the series I'm mist interested in but always rather watch more entertaining centered videos on YouTube.

I commit myself to clean my room. Which I never get around to because all I need to keep orgainzed in my room are my clothes.

I commit myself to keep practicing my singing because I like singing and want to make some better singing videos.

Day 242- Having Clarity

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I don't know what to write self forgiveness for.

I have a lot moving within me but it's hard to pin it down and put it into words.

I have two things that come to mind that I would like to improve.

Feeling tired, and having a better grip on things.

I struggle to think of anything else I'd write out right now because it's hard to pin things down...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not become a better person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not becoming a better person in all ways because 'I am who I am'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the idea of who I am as being all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can be a better person in each breathe by focusing on the physical instead of getting caught up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not strive to become better and more effective in everything I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I've been able to grow as a person and have a better grip on things and my life all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing my self to self perfection as becoming a better person in all ways all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility that comes with becoming a better person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a better person means I will have to hold myself more accountable for everything.

I forgive myself that o have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be held accountable for anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a better grip on my life by becoming accountable for myself so that I can trust myself to act and to do everything I need to do giving me a better grip on everything in my life.

When and as I see myself not having a grasp on my life, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to hold myself accountable for everything in my life so that i'm not in a position to make half measures or avoid responsibility, thusly, I commit myself to live the word accountable as being able to account for everything in my life at any moment, where nothing is ever lost, thusly, I respond accountable as being able to take on all the information and responsibilities regarding a specific thing.

That's to help me get a grip on things.

Then next is that I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of being tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire total control over my tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will never be able to shake how tired I am all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself where I've been able to support myself to hey out of worse situations like not liking work or having a hard time at work, and being able to change that around for me by constantly applying myself in self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put the same work and effort into improving my sleep and energy relationship because I think in entitled to sleep well, because I'd like to sleep well and my body would like it, so why don't I do it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get in the way of myself from having a good relationship to sleep and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get in the way of myself from sleeping well and having a good direction over sleep and energy with all of my mental and conscience energy getting in the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how the same way my mind is programmed and cannot budge but only chance slowly over time is the same way that sleep and energy is.

Where over time I have improved my relationship to sleep and energy.

They are my two biggest points I can think of but that doesn't mean they need to be totally resolved right now.

When and as I see myself fearing I never be able to improve my relationship to sleep and energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've already seen enough to know that I can change my relationship to sleep and energy to become what I'd like to live and express as those words within my living over time, thusly, I commit myself to let things run their course as I realize all I have to do is keep applying myself, thusly, I commit myself to live and breathe the words flow in relationship to sleep and energy where i let things come together and flow instead of trying to force everything into place all at once.

Day 241- ୧[ ˵ ͡ᵔ ͜ʟ ͡ᵔ ˵ ]୨ ୧[ ˵ ͡ᵔ ͜ʟ ͡ᵔ ˵ ]୨ ୧[ ˵ ͡ᵔ ͜ʟ ͡ᵔ ˵ ]୨

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from doing the things I need to do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not do the things I need to do when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get the things I need to do done so that things down get backed up.

I forgive mysekf that k have accepted and allowed myself to get backed up by not doing the things I'm supposed to do for different reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for not doing the things im supposed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut out things I'm supposed to do if I can justify not doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable for doing my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use being bored as an excuse to not do my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my responsibilities and having to do them as the cause of the conflict I feel in relationship to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limit for how willing I am to take on responsibility because I don't want to take on so much that I don't have any fun relaxing internet time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty without my internet time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revolve my entire life around reaching my internet time to play on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as only being worth getting through the day to get to my computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about being on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing and creating my life as more then a passive waste of time for me to get where I want as the zoned out happy self that I become on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not so my responsibilities out of desire to be instead on the computer.

When and as I see myself desiring to be on the internet or computer or phone, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's nothing bad about spending my free time on a certain activity like playing games or watching videos but that I need to make sure it's not disrupting my responsibilities, thusly, I commit myself to do my responsibilities without being distracted by my desire to be on the internet, as living the word responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped within discomfort within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear there is nothing I can do to make myself comfortable when I don't feel comfortable within my own flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider trying to direct myself to be comfortable in breathing and physical awareness and movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that there's nothing I can do when I'm not feeling comfortable within my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider when I am breathing and focused and aware on my body physically I'm more able to support my body and be with my body apposed to when I'm off in my mind and allowing myself to be disconnected leading to discomforts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be comfortable all at once without giving my body the time to change and adjust as I change and adjust who I am and what I create within myself in each breathe through self forgiveness and correction applied into my real living in real time in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can live and express the word comfort in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm holding something within my way preventing me from living the word comfort in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take so much on within my mind as more important then living and creating myself as the word comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert my creative potential to create myself not as thinking and mental distractions but instead practical supportive things I can direct myself to do in each moment of each breathe like comfort, fun, enjoyment, support.

When and as I see myself feeling discomforted physically, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm not physically comfortable because all of my energy is going into creating mental experiences and distracting myself from myself, thusly, I commit myself to when I feel discomforted to assert my creative nature as a living being to create and live the word comfort not as a energy experience but as me expressing myself as this word in the physical.

Day 240-乁໒( ͡◕ ᴥ ◕͡ )७ㄏ (⌐ ͡■ ͜ʖ ͡■) ლ(ಥ Д ಥ )ლ

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on direct self improvements within my life and actual direct interaction with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear forcing mys
elf to take on more physical real world interactions and responsibility when I haven't settled into the ones that I already have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force more responsibility into Myself in the real world interactions and living when I cannot even handle the responsibility that i already have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force myself into action by giving myself more responsibility then I can hand and forcing me to make a choice to either succeed or to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force more responsibility then I can handle in my life because i fear becoming complacent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the past where I might have chosen complacency any time it was an option.

When and as I see myself forcing responsibility into Myself when I haven't proven I can handle the responsibility I have, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm not really living and changing for myself when I'm forced to do so, thusly, I commit myself to prove that i can handle the responsibility that i do have before taking on as much as I can all at once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the moments when I'm handling all of my responsibilities excellent and assuming from just one day or couple of days that I have mastered my domain of responsibility.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush to see myself as able to handle my work and school and real world responsibility because of pride.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold proving to myself that I can live in the real world and handle responsibility instead of proving through living and changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to work my way through all the different elements of my real world life and responsabilites to know that I've perfected them in all ways and not just a handful.

When and as I see myself satisfied with how I've managed to take on so much in my life in terms of real world work and responsabilites and interacting, I stop, i breathe, I realize I don't want to settle for a feeling of self satisfaction, I want to perfect all elements of my real world life, thusly, i commit myself to perfect my real world life even though that means it's not going to be about self satisfaction and pride and ego, it will be about seeing things through to the finish.

My real world life I'm taking on a lot and stabilizing within what I've take on, but there's nothing to feel for, because I have to keep going.

The same with my internal world, I realize and explore and wrote out and change my internal world, and if I feel good or bad about it, it doesn't Change the investigation, and the self forgiveness and correction that has to be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not tone down all of the constant activity within me that I don't need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run so many programs within myself all at once when I don't need any of it, and I don't want it, it's just all I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know anything beyond my bubble of internal activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not tone down everything moving within me one part at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop everything moving within me all at once instead of toning things down day by day.

I have been doing that, day by day, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed looking for ky end goal that I can not even recognize all the day to day moment to moment leaps and bounds that I make.

When and as I see myself only focusing on my end goal, I stop, I breathe, I realize the little movements in each day and each breathe and the little mistakes and improvement are what build me up over time, thusly, I commit myself to participate directly with the little moments and the little things I would assume to over look so I can place myself in a position to actually change and step myself into each breathe and each little moment completely.

Day 239- (ノ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ノ︵┻┻ (つ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)つ╰( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆* ლ༼ ▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ ̿ლ༽

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I feel like I'm right on top of what I've been looking for within myself today.

A way to be as directive as I can in face of everything moving within myself.

But it's still convoluted.

It's like I need more time to see if things stick or not.

A platform from which I can build my process and my life upon.

There are some adjustments to make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my new method for directing myself falling in on itself like ever other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that means of directing myself are so important to figure out when they just come in hand with self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear maintaining my new means of direction as I realize my new means of directing myself does not require me to do anything, but to breathe and support my body within that and be comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the way that things move within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against everything moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against my own thoughts and thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with everything moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to move and live in a way where I'm not torn by everything moving within me and am consistently walking all of the movement within myself out because of all the time I found that there was nothing I could do about all the movement within myself because I wasn't using self forgiveness and just my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not go with the flow within myself as I realize if there is already so much moving within me that there is nothing I can do about it then I might as well just go with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over everything moving within me instead of just letting it go and do it's thing on a surface level while I focus on working on the deeper
layers of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control every single little thing within myself instead of pursuing the deeper more meaningful parts of my construction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conscience still having to go through the same conflicts and resistance as ever, as I realize my new method of directing myself is the best way to support me with conflict and resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself when I see that I could finally have found the platform to live the rest of my life upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit that I might have finally found a means of directing myself that will actually work.

When and as I see myself fearing that I have finally found a means of directing myself that will stand the test of time, I stop, I breathe, I realize if it flops or not all I have to do is keep writing my self forgiveness and correction and with time through my process different things will open up to allow me to direct my life in different ways, thusly, i commit myself to trust myself to be able to open up new doors for myself when I need to.

I commit myself to trust myself to construct my life and create the direction I'd like to have for myself.

Day 238- └༼ •́ ͜ʖ •̀ ༽┘ Wake Up Zombie └༼ •́ ͜ʖ •̀ ༽┘

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I was thinking about how breathing in good feelings can help me, because I'm on the other side of the spectrum of feeling nothing, or feeling emotional anxiety and stress.

Then I think about how all the affects that this negatively I'm always in has on me, and how since it's the other end of feeling good, as the emotions being the opposite of feelings, that I could alternate my current to support myself, and since I'm focused on writing things out that it won't catch up to me too much.

Then I realize how I can support myself in self forgiveness to transform one thing into another thing instead of trying to cut it out.

So I want to try to feel good in each breathe, to change how I expierence myself from feeling emotially stressed and anxious and fearful into the opposite which will give me a break form how I have been for a long time, and give me another perspective within myself.

So there's a lot of ideas here to test out and see if it is supportive to switch the system I run up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing the system I operate by as my self experience will mess up everything I've worked towards with my current experience of myself as being very thick and moving around energetically and very tense and slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my discretion that it is good to explore elements of creating my experience and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my experience is only mental and doesn't affect the physical as I realize that emotions feelings and everything experienced does affect the physical through consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to repeating the same consequences ad nauseam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to fear changing my consequences as my mental experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself by exploring other consequence within myself by giving myself a break on one end as emotion and gravitate towards the other end as feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to wear myself down all on one end of the spectrum instead of treating the spectrum as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take advantage of feeling good in each moment as I realize I haven't had many feeling good within myself as my experience of my self very much and so it's all untapped potential to look into and investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I never could maintain a good feeling within myself and most of my good feeling experience come from dreams and fanatices and aren't very breathe by breathe.

I commit myself to create a new experience of myself within myself in each moment where I take all of the energy moving within me and emotions and heaviness and replace it all with it's opposite.

When and as I see myself experienceing myself within my usual heavy, dence, energetic movement experience of myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize instead of stopping this experience all at once I can instead explore the other end of the spectrum to give me time away from hie i have been all my life to look at things deom another perspective to allow me to stop things and walk things out in a different way, thusly, i commit myself to bring through the opposite of how I have been experiencing myself the past 6 years or so and make it the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy in not wanting to put the energy into changing myself into a different system of experience and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to keep things the way they are then to change them even though it would be easier then actually trying to stop and change for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too lazy to even compromise with myself because my abuse within what I currently am creating is so automatic that from a system level I can just let back and everything will occur naturally as a mind energy creating system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and roll over for the energetic mind control system I've created even though I've realized a way to support me to face myself that I would still enjoy even as a system person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my laziness potential as I realize I've undesitimatrd my laziness due to lack of self honestly about it.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate that I'm so lazy that I can be handed an answer to support myself to walk my process of life that is interesting and fun and desirable and not realize that I've given up so much that I'm already spiraling into nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to offer a choice in the matter if I'm so far gone that I can't even accept the equivalent of food and water in terms of system energy exsistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a conscience choice to accept or reject my offer to change systems to support me.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm so zombified that I cannot make decisions and need to hsvr all of my decisions made for me without conscience option or input getting bin the way of what's best.

When and as I see myself trying to convince myself to accept my offer to change to a better system, i stop, I breathe, I realize I'm too far gone at this stage in my life to be able to make decisions when it comes to what's best for life, thusly, I commit myself to force the system switch from positive without choice on a conscienceness level, as with spoken and written self forgiveness the decision is already made and all I have to do as a zombie is be breathe.

Like shocking the dead body back to life, a total switch in energy current.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to intrust conscience as my gatekeeper.

I forgive mysekf that I hsve accepted and allowed myself to let conscience deciding what flies and what does not within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust conscience which had an alternative agenda over me as life who cannot be one and equal to who I am to be having an evil agenda.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my sepertation control me when I let my conscience mind decide what flies and what does not within what all moves within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself as phsyical aliveness to be able to manage what come and going inside of me.

When and as I see myself trusting my conscienceness to balance me and direct me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm fighting uphill in using my conscience to stop conscience as creating consequence, thusly, I commit myself to give my phsyical aliveness the authority to direct and manage what flies and what doesn't within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my phsyical aliveness won't let certain things through which I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that trusting my phsyical aliveness to have the ultimate say in what flies within me or not will prevent my idea of switching to good feelings from the emotions I've been feeling as what overwhelmingly defines my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take my idea and give it to my phsyical aliveness because if it really is as support and food as I see it as then there's no hidden agenda and it can be explored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear because I know there is secret agenda to switching from emotions to feelings but I don't know if it's bad enough to stop my idea from going through.

When and as I see myself fearing my idea not going through, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's possible my physical aliveness will accept just the best part and leave out the part that is a hidden agenda to just feel good, thusly, I commit kysekr to accept sbd cooperate with the decesion i mskr on a phsycisl level as i realize tgere is no good rrason to fight muself in that manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not force myself to take on the switch within myself because I'm so tired that it's hard to do everything I want to do in single day and switching my energetic system means i don't have to take drugs, vitamin, or any other supplement for energy I can just change my current and enjoy all of the excess feeling energy going totally unused.

-_- so nice....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a choice in the matter, when I need the extra energy to accomplish all of the things I want to do in the day, do well at work and school and with Desteni, and to support myself physically and through my process progression by giving myself a nice paradigm shift to work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a paradigm shift if my energy to fuck up my sleep patterns, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't be able to get to bed and rest after the paradigm shift of energy.

When and as I see myself fearing how the shift will affect my energy level, I stop, I breathe, u realize anything but the energy level I run on now is better because I'm really messed up energetically, thusly, I commit myself to utilize the paradigm shift being forced into me to support my energetic relationship to give me more energy to do all the things I want to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my negative dread towards all the things I beed to do and manipulate it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread my things I need to do instead of turn the current into a positive relationship.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change the negative fear of having to do things into s positive desire of wanting to do my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself living the word manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge manipulation as a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can accomplish through manipulating myself through self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to still call myself the good guy by holding onto little things that could make a big difference for me like manipulating my feelings from negative to positive when if support me to accomplish my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self righteous in not letting myself reach my goals of doing my work and homework and writing and studying and other stuff out of self righteousness.

When and as I see myself not utilizing manipulation to support myself to reach my living goals, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm valuing being righteousness over being manipulate when they are one and equal as living words, thusly, I commit myself to manipulate myself to support me to reach my goals in taking negative relationships of stress and anxiety and fear and turning them positive.