Day 243- I'm Selfish

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Being selfish doesn't help me or anyone else.

So it shouldn't be a big deal, I should just be able to change, but I need to stop beating myself up about it, and getting mad about it.

I think about how I left Desteni to walk my process alone and without writting and I just wanted to figure things out on my own, and I have these thoughts about who I could have been if I had just not made that one choice to go my own way, and today it had built up for so long that I was very angry at myself that I had been selfish and just thinking about all the ramifications and consequence I've left myself in because of that choice, and how I can't even remember how it all happened, except for a few elements.

I think about how I play around and don't take things serious when I'm supposed to.

Of how I should be more helpful and compassionate, and not be a jerk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paralyze myself with horror at how little I try to be better for myself and other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not try to be better person for myself and other's because I already am doing so much more then I have before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for platueing, and not pushing myself past the resistance to be nicer and more helpful and doing more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I failure for all the times I could have pushed myself to be better but found it easier to be stubborn or rude or lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be a good person, as living words like compassion and support and principle, when there is resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to not push myself to be the person who I'd like to be if there is any resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only step into the character and behavior and principle I'd like to be when it is easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my character of least resistance drive me to do and be something I know I could be better then if I only pushed myself even though there's resistance or I don't want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to view the only change that matters as the change that comes without resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to percieve restiance as meaning that there's no way to actually change to justify my way of life and what I want.

When and as I ser myself not stepping into the role of like to take for myself as living the words compassion, principle, supportive, I stop, I breathe, I realize that pushing through resistance is something I need to start doing to support me to change my behavior and principle, thusly, I commit myself to face resistance as a part of changing as showing me where the opprituinuty to change is apposed to meaning that I've already failed.

I don't even know where I got the idea that to change should not require resistance, that doesn't exactly describe the thought but of course I know because from the greatest conflict and resistance has come my greatest changes and challengs and learning experience and opprituinuty, so I don't know how to explain this pattern of caving as soon as I face resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to judge myself as bad because there is no excuse for being selfish all the time.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having no excuse to be selfish while simultaneously creating excuse to be selfish, because judgement doesn't change me.

I forgive myself that I have avcelted and allowed myself to justify being selfish because I already work hard, and do lots of things so I should have the right to be lazy or careless sometimes because I'm tired and it would be too hard in me to push myself to excell more then I feel like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that it isn't fair I should have consequences for not being better when I am already pushing myself to be better all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myskef to justify my selfishness our of comparison where if I'm working this hard on myself and my life then you should be as well and I'm not going to go any further until you do as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish when I'm full of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being dull of myself because I inheritly will put myself on a pedestal and then beat myself down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to justify being mean and saying means things in my head even though I can see why im wrong because I cannot help it when I get angry over something.

When and as I see myself justifying all the reason I have to be selfish, I stop, I breathe, I realize I always have reason I can come up with to not push through into nee better behavior, thusly, I commit myself to push through the justification and into living the words compassion as having compassion that it is hard to change being selfish but still firm as asserting myself to change.

What's one more thing about being selfish?

I could think of a lot.

Since just yesterday I was not able to think of anything to write about because I've been very focused on everything moving within me, apposed to real world deeper living things, like behavior and patterns and things that have to do with real world interactions apposed to all the things moving within me that don't directly have to do with what's going on around me.

I'll just randomly think of something.

It's selfish that I don't help out around the house or clean up after myself very good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shamed that I'm so selfish i won't carry my weight if I know someone else will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to justify not cleaning up after myself and being responsible around the house because 'I work hard so deserve slack.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make a mess and don't properly clean up just try to put it behind me even though I know that I should push myself as hard as I can and cleaning up after myself is a very simple and easy place to start.

I forgive mysekd that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who don't clean up after themselves and expect there mom's to do it as being spoiled and bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to fear the extent of my selfishness because I don't create big problems for anyone else just little things where I just want a little help.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not help myself even for things that I view as little favors that don't amount to anything, where if it doesn't amount to anything then I should be doing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not taking cleaning up after myself as serious where I'm afraid of how easy it is to see myself not even trying to step into being more response around my house and even at work where there's way I could do better there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning up after myself is punishment where I deserve a little help around the house because I'm focused on school and work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beinf tempted by how easy it is to let myself forget what in saying and lead myself into consequences to be faced before actually changing.

I firfivr mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the consequences of being selfish and lazy that I already have made be enough to allow me to make the push to be better.

When and as I see myself leaving loose ends ad not totally cleaning up after myself as I'd like to be, I stop , I breathe, I realize that even if it's just a little thing like cleaning up after myself that there are consequences, thusly, I commit myself to do whatever it is I need to do to push myself and find the will power to clean up totally after myself when I leave a mess around my house.

I commit myself to from there push myself to be better around the house in other ways of helping.

I commit myself to also be more helpful at work.

Then, just one more thing.

I think about how, if I commit myself to something now, then it will come up in my life, and give me a chance to speed things up, with consequences or with a chance to take action and change.

So either is good really because both are needed sometimes.

So, I commit myself to enforce all of my quitting commitments for cigarettes and energy drinks.

I commit myself to be more stern in establishing my time and schedule managing for home work and writing and working out to not be so leunannt in letting things slide or be not as effective.

I commit myself to be more stern in enforcing my schedule for entertainment which I'm still designing.

I commit myself to be nicer to people where I don't get lazy and stop caring when I'm tired or not feeling well.

I commit myself to keep watching the reptilian series from Anu. Which I wanted to make a regular thing out of because it's the series I'm mist interested in but always rather watch more entertaining centered videos on YouTube.

I commit myself to clean my room. Which I never get around to because all I need to keep orgainzed in my room are my clothes.

I commit myself to keep practicing my singing because I like singing and want to make some better singing videos.