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For a while now my goal to reach within myself is smooth sailing.
Where in the course of the days going by that things for me become easier, smoother, while still holding myself to a bar of taking on lots of responsibilities, so that I know things aren't just smoother and easier because I'm not doing anything to challenge myself.
I have this idea of an end point for myself, when things will be so smooth and natural that I can just work, go to school, do my writing and just lay back and enjoy the ride, find a good degree of ways to keep challenging and raising the bar without affecting my smooth chill existence.
I see myself bringing this chill smooth ride point into my living already.
I get scared that it might be mind trap where I will always be seeking to find this Zen inner cool within myself and wasting time seeking it, or that I might grow complacent and not push myself like when I found a nice groove and just stayed there and avoided others who might challenge me when I left my self forgiveness writing for 1-2 years.
I like saying it out loud, how it resonates when I say and see and realize that I've done well to bring through the word/phrase smooth sailing.
Because every time I push myself to do what I need to do, or make a hard decision or try something new, or change something, or realize something, I can see how it's all contributed to supporting me to not only work more take on more, but to also do it with stride, smooth, easy, enjoyable.
I've seen myself get totally destroyed within myself energetically emotionally physically, and seen myself continue without doubt about what I need to do in simply sticking out self forgiveness this time around.
That's been another big part of my life, is sticking out with self forgiveness, till the end, which I don't see being a challenge sticking it till the end this time, but the challenge being how much can I do in a day, not will there be a day when I quit, but will there be a day I'm disappointed with how much I did or how lazily I did it
Those things go hand in hand because self forgiveness and correction make life smoother and easier.
I see myself realizing and comprehending different aspects of self forgiveness application in ways that would be challenging to me now, but that i can always try occasionally, and see how I can work towards taking on deeper layers within myself, taking bigger strides, making more sacrifice, making harder decisions, digging deeper into things.
So, whatever self forgiveness do I apply from here?
I've been trying words more often, and finding how looking at a word trying to livr a word, even though I'm not totally grasping it yet is a great place to keep working on.
So sailing.
I wear collared shirts that my dad used to own, and they to me make me look like a little sailor.
A little sailor out on the ocean.
The ocean the wide scape, I have emotional ties to the idea of what the ocean represents to me, this deep emotional fulfillment.
Sailing
I love the idea of snailing, no rush, just one inch at a time, it can seem scary because a snail seems to go so slow that it doesn't seem to accomplish as much as an ant, but it does leave a trail behind it.
Say
Snail
Say ill
Say ill do something and it's done.
That's been my dance with self forgiveness lately, for some things need more direct attention and effort, but for a lot of things, to just say the self forgiveness, and then correction, and to not even think about it again, say and ill do.
That's been a point I've been working on to build self trust, if the point comes back up, it's because u didn't say enough specific enough, which is ok because I don't have all day go write out a single point, I can layer it over many days.
Say ill do.
Say ill do it and it's done.
That's where I'd like to take my word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sailing off course.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the places I've sailed myself into in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's sailing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not realizing I'm sailing into consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having total control over the ship as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being a poor sailor for where I've taken my life in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear I'll be punished forever for where I've sailed myself as my interactions with other's in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to sail out of the storm of the past and truly being able to lay things down to rest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the benefit of considering the entire picture of the past instead of splicing it into the most intense and unbearable aspects.
When and as I see myself fearing never being able to lay the storm of the past down to rest, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I consider the entire picture of where I was in my life and who I was in my life instead of chopping things into the most hard to process fragments that there's nothing holding me back from forgiving and letting go of anything in this moment and all moments to come, thusly, I redefine sailing as opening up and taking to the wind, where no matter where I go or have been, I know I can trust myself to see the influence of my mind and my ability to forgive and correct any time I sail off course, and no matter how far, thusly, I commit myself to live the word sailing as realizing and living the word sail as both the freedom to let the wind take me, as letting myself go and exploring and expressing, as well as the consequences of not considering where the wind will take me and when to drop anchor and ground myself, when and as i see myself holding how I've been influenced by my mind to extreme and unacceptable ways, I stop, I breathe, I realize that over time I become more trust worthy through continues applying myself in self forgiveness and correction, thusly, I commit myself to learn from the past but to leave it behind me when it comes up in my mind so that I can instead reassert myself as what I've learned and where I've come to be.
Which brings me to another thingy.
Loose ends.
The things I know I haven't brought through to completion.
It's scary seeing things come up which I know I have not brought through to completion, it's scary to see that I'm not done being haunted, and haunting myself with certain points or events.
What I realize is that each time I do self forgiveness and correction in brings me closer to being able to better and easier take on all points.
So a point might come up now that I'm like wow this is going to be a real uphill fight to forgive and come to terms with in correction, but then because all points are related like strings, all of a sudden in a day, month, year, what seemed like my dead end, will suddenly be wide open.
So it's ok that I don't see one point all the way through, and that I don't just focus on one point until it's mastered, but accept that in time I can come back with more in me, with more trust, with more experience, with more openness and forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over where I'm not completely standing in a point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of points and accept that I need to focus on points that are more relevant or available sometimes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the desire to free myself from what's chewing at me to the point that I'll be influenced by my emotions to not address as best I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my judgement that a point is more important then any other because it's chewing at me the most when I'm letting it chew at me the most because I've given it the most value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with an eagerness to free myself from everything I'm holding against myself that I cannot act clearly and specifically for anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to believe I need to experience the full emotional force and experience of any given point to be able to write it out properly and effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be in pain in relationship to my emotional attachment to a point before I'm able to move forward, as I realize I'm forgiving not moving away from or paying my dues on an energy karma level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live with the loose ends by recognizing they exist and letting go, moving forward with my life realizing I'll address everything in time and application not in storms of constant
emotion reminding me that I'm still unforgiven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with each and every unforgiven point when I could be supporting myself in standing stronger within myself in relationship to my loose ends where I don't let loose ends influence me.
When and as I see myself being influenced by loose ends into going into torture as turmoil, i stop, I breathe, I realize that attacking myself with emotional baggage won't support me to stand in changing myself, thusly, I commit myself to be strong when loose ends come up, and to express loose ends within myself as just reminders of what's left to be addressed at some point.
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