Day 279 - compromising my schedule to play games

investigate desteni.org

There's some things that I want to get done.

day to day schedule things.

schedule is the big word that I am trying to work with.

I want to get certain time frames and schedules and things that I consistently stick with everyday.

writing every day is one thing, where I want to live the word consistent, write self forgiveness everyday, where I speak it a lot around whenever whatever I'm doing, but I want to also make sure I'm writing it every day also.

there's other things too that I want to make part of my daily routine.

just thinking about my schedule plans makes me miserable, I can't imagine actually succeeding, but to start with getting more serious and pushing myself harder I'm going to make a list of my schedule plans for every day.

I write this because 2 days ago an expansion for the card game I play on my phone came out and I was playing it all yesterday and I didn't get anything done, at first I was upset because I just kept pushing things further and further and I wasn't supposed to play it half as much as I did and I keep compromising, so that was upsetting because I would have liked to have gotten more work done in my self forgiveness and corrections, but then there was this other part, that didn't care at all, and I was having so much fun with all the new cards and playing against people and I just didn't regret it, but in retrospect even though it was fun I need to be able to draw a harder line with myself because I pushed things way too far and stayed up too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game all day and not do anything I was supposed to because I was excited to play my new game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's ok to compromise my plans because I can just deal with the repercussions later which is right now, which is true, but is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep pushing things a little further until I completely broke and didn't care about doing anything I was supposed to and lost all of my integrity and was happy and was ok with having done that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm dealing with not keeping my schedule up right now, where I could have just kept up my schedule and not have to have done this self forgiveness where I'm wasting my own time which has it's own consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I've set myself back in my life without even realizing how close I was to where I would have liked to be in my life and just had to make the decision to stick with my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having set myself back where it's not necessarily true because I wasn't close to reaching my schedule goals I might have well have spent a month not doing anything and would have been just as close where the words are schedule stability planning consistency, one bad day is what it took for me to take a step back and look at things, but doesn't represent me having set myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in how much fun I was having where I knew that by the next day new problems and new things would come up and I would not be prepared and that's exactly what happened, exactly what happened, things happened today that I was not prepared for because I betted and hoped that today would be smooth and it wouldn't matter that I spent all day playing my card game and not getting anything doe yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame fate where it was fate that the card game would come out when it did on my birthday and that I would have a drink on my birthday and that this avalanche of one thing leading to another was all just scripted by something beyond me and my own decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game more then I was supposed to because when I play it I'm engaged and focused and happy and forget about everything and the worst that happens is that someone beats me really bad and then I get a little bit angry or curse them if they taunt me for beating me so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this incident of staying up late playing my card game and not accomplishing anything I had planned for that day won't be a wake up call but instead I'll just find another reason to flake and be fickle and inconsistent.

When and as I see myself judging myself as a total jack ass for messing around all day and not doing anything but playing my card game, I stop, I breathe, I realize in self honesty I see how this can be a wake up call and an opportunity for me to step back and try to get my act together once and for all, thus, I commit myself to try to get my act together from now on by living my daily schedule every day, where I see how I can steadily work towards improving my consistency in my schedule and how I can see the different compromises that come up and how to work through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it seems to live out my schedule plans for each day where in reality things happen, there's time when I just don't care, there's times when I don't feel well, there's times where I compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy in my mind it can seem to live out my newest perfected schedule plans for each day where I'm having to start right now in this moment as writing my blog/writing is part of my daily schedule and it's already very challenging and i just now devoted myself to pushing myself harder and it's already an actual challenge in just writing this sentence in living the word schedule as I'm scheduled to write this sentence and I want to give up immidetely.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it being very difficult all at once is good because it's actually hitting me in reality the gravity of the words I'm trying to live within schedule and I'm actually facing it, and I don't have to wait because I'm living the word right here in this breathe in having myself scheduled to write my blog as this exact time I'm already developing living creating unifying myself with this word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that why am I so worried about living the word shcudle where I place so much value on it and why I don't place more value in facing other points in my life where that's simply because with my schedule I get a lot of self forgiveness done in theory, so then the more self forgiveness I get done the more of other things I can face in said self forgiveness thus shcudle is key, follow the shcuelde, do the self forgiveness, profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind fuck with me where I let other things pick away at me where what I see and what works for me is to just do the self forgiveness, walk myself out, don't let anything get in the way of that, which means to schduel self forgiveness each day, and don't let that be compromised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself into worrying about and thinking about anything but living out my schduel, where my schudle equals me doing self forgiveness, thus my schduel needs to be held to a high regard and I need to work towards being consistent and not compromising my schduel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to compromsie my schedule when something comes up where I visit someone I didn't plan to, I don't feel the way I planned to, thing aren't going as planned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick things out just because they didn't go according to plan within my schduel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my schdule where I would like to rather stick things out wihtout compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my schdule where I compare myself to other's and don't see myself as being able to achieve as much as other's so 'why even try.'

When and as I see myself compromsing my schduele, I stop, I breathe, I realize that living the word schdule is the key to my process right now in my life, thus, I commit myself to slow down and to pay attention when I am about to compromise my shcule as I realize my schduele equals self forgiveness, self fogivness equals my process so in drawing this connection in real time I commit myself to take authoruity within this raelizatyiohn and handle things the best I can to not compromsie the integrity of my process for something that is never as imporatnt as to compromise my process like just not feeling like it, or just not caring some times.