Day 289- staying out of the woods

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Finally got to a good place, trying to get to this point for since I started with desteni 7 years ago.

I've made mistakes, gone the wrong way, but this moment is what I've been building up to for a very long time, I've invested in self forgiveness in self application in learning how to navigate.

To know not to be misguided by fear mongering news mainstream alternative gossip or just my own thoughts.

To have been able to consistently manage 3 jobs for over a year.

To be able to express myself here with other's.

To learn how to grow in singing.

To be able to direct myself in each breathe without my mind as just letting go and taking things as they come.

To forgive and let go of my mistakes.

To have found my purpose.

So those are things that have lead up to where I am, but here's where I have to do to stay at this point.

I would like to cold turkey, cigarettes, soda, energy drinks, alcohol, and then to cut down my entertainment time in media and things for to just an hour a day, so I can focus on my sobriety health and not be on entertainment all the time so I can focus on my writing and keep developing what really matters.

This is how it all comes together with needing to quit all these things cold turkey and then trying to manage my entertainment time.

I drink an energy drink to get my energy up at work, energy drinks mess me up and sap my nerves so then I need to smoke to relax, then I'm so wired up and down all day and I've already compromised my commitments to quit smoking cigarettes and drinking energy drinks that I might as well have some beer, then you wake up all groggy and then maybe it's my day off and I'd like to get some writing done and really knock some things out but I'm so hung over or whatever that I just want to watch videos on my phone and play games and just keep losing my will to take any stand and stand by my commitments and goals.

So that's what it's like to be in the woods.

Stressed out from work, so instead of writing things out maybe get on the computer and mess around and then just go back the next day wondering why nothings changing for me, not finding me in the mess.

When I'm super anxious about something or caught up in the day-to-day cycle, I'd give anything to be in this spot, quiet, writing, no problems, and yet I'd ruin it all because it's so unstimulating, I want a cigarette, I want to listen to music, I want something to drink.

I didn't think I'd be in this position where I'd be so close to making such a major self movement of discipline of integrity to truly commit myself to my goals and things I want to cut out of my life, but at the same time there's been those days of like, I can't keep going like this, working pretty hard not getting a lot of writing done then just messing around cycling the same thing all the time.

It's funny how I just forget, or that I diminish myself because I'm 'well off, I haven't struggled or worked for anything I'll always be selfish and can never suffer enough. '

For all the time whatever it was worth, I have to try to make everything stick even though it hurts I can't let one compromise lead into another, if something goes a little off, I buy another pack or start overdoing things, I need to be able to correct it that very day, take the hit and try again the next day.

Ok

Hardest thing entertainment, so easy to get sucked into so many different forms of media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my very person by entertainment where I define myself so very much by a lack of discipline and an addiction to constantly needing a screen in front of me that I want to just collapse at the thought of reducing how much time I spend on media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I won't be able to watch all the things I want to where I won't be binging anything with my schedule plans for entertainment where I'd have to pick and choose what I want to watch very strategically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drop within my body like I need to enter a new state of boring existence within myself to prepare for how bored I'll be not doing anything fun on the media entertainment side of things all day long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at having lost something in being able to just zone out and cease to exist in entertainment where I've gained so much more in the time I've actually applied myself that I wouldn't be surprised if I loose a part of myself when I do binge on media and simply cease to exist in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility that comes with being fulfilled in this way of discipline and sobriety where I can't play the victim when I'm really pushing my best potential and truly reaching the best heights of which I can apply myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility where this is what I always viewed a real destonian as, as going hard in self forgiveness very focused very disciplined but I don't see myself as how I imagined other's to be, I just see myself as me but somehow I've changed, changed in that I see myself and what I'm capable of as different now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how wrong my perception of being a destonain is where I always had these experiences of what it is to be destonain to really be that person and here at the gates of really trying to create that same application for myself I always saw in other's and it's like me, there's nothing, it's scary, but has it's own gifts better then any other gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away in distractions as media where this self intimacy as writing as actually changing the world through myself is something that you have to do, something you have to move yourself into, I hate the feeling of sharing my mind and sometimes I fuck that up, sometimes it's nice, but even just alone you have to move yourself and just do it and you can't hide, but there's that presence in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up media as much as I plan to and this really being my life where I've fucked up and I've been so selfish I've been so vile I don't deserve such a good life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving into media out of judgement where I don't deserve to be so happy I should just lay back down and take whatever consequences I get for my lifetime or past-lives and just slip away.

When and as I see myself about to go over my media time, unless it's like I'm at the movies and I'm not going to just watch an hour of a movie at the theater, or if I'm watching a show that runs 1 hour 30 minutes then that'd be fine too just a minor  leeway, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what is all the time it took to get to this moment if I'm just going to throw it all away, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself about to compromise more then a few minutes over my dedicated 1 hour of entertainment a day to slow down, breathe, actually look at what's moving in me what I could be doing better to correct, where if I'm having the time to compromise my 1 hour then I have the time to assess what's going on and correct and fix the problem.

I had this moment like this can't be for real, I can't actually be having a chance to walk my process in such a great life, with so much opportunity, surely something has to happen, no one's ever laid a finger on me in violence my whole life, no one's ever truly stolen anything of such great wealth of mine, my home has never been invaded, no one's ever been so malicious to tarnish me and my name to any great extent that it ever mattered.

Why?

No great catastrophic, no great trial, I've just dreamt all my life, I've just slept eaten, why do I have this life?

I commit myself to share my wealth of self forgiveness with other's.

I can't live like this without sharing it, people have to come to self forgiveness, I don't know why I get to have the honor, and maybe something will still happen, but after today, I don't know what it would be.

I don't need to know if I deserve this, if this is a test, I know what my life has to be from here and as nice as it is to take a break and just cry again, it's going to be a pain in the ass every day for a while to try to see everything through.

I commit myself to just keep writing self forgiveness, to keep speaking self forgiveness, to forgive my way out of my laziness my weakness my disdain my hate, all I need is time, so I commit myself to just stick it out, to fear nothing, all I need is time and nothing else to just keep forgiving.