Day 281- of montreal

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Of Montreal is my favorite band, when I listen to it in the right place at the right time it's beyond words.

I have the same experience with dreams where my dreams are 'beyond words'.

I have other experience like this one mental experience I have where it's like how do I write this out it is 'beyond words'

Also when I fist started smoking weed it was this profound experience beyond words until it developed a word as paranoia and terror when I stopped responding to weed in that blissful beyond words way.

Another one is when I'm out in nature or looking out at the landscape when I use to ride the bus to school, this experience I couldn't place.

But in retrospect when I fist developed this experiences that were beyond words I didn't have the same tools to introspection, so now if I take the beyond words experience of listening to of Montreal the word is or could be just 'good', or amazing, so it's not so hard to actually place the experience into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define the experience of listening to of Montreal as beyond words where if I did place words on it I would start to be breaking it down relating it to me and my life and putting it in context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the experience of listening to of Montreal be beyond me as beyond words where I want to get lost in an experience that I can't put words into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let of Montreal be music that I use to escape where I have problems and things I want to do but getting lost in that experience is like a moment where I forget about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge and give into this experience and letting myself be beyond my problems where my problems then just coke back harder when I'm done listening to the music and forgetting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how powerful of an experience I have when I listen to my favorite music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my favorite music special value where it's my favorite and it's special to me and so it's meaningful over any other sound or music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my favorite music deep meaning where 'there's more to this music and the way it makes me feel and it's all beyond words'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to disconnect from my relationship to this music from my favorite band where it's too powerful of an experience and reaction I have when I listen to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same nostalgic feeling when I listen to my favorite band where I feel the same way I felt listening to it years ago where in listening to the music I go back to how I felt and my expression from years ago.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that the music I have created a deep connection with over time where it being my favorite I have inherently listed to a lot of it over a long period of time and put deep expreicnes into it that it's not surprising that it would then be deeply seated within my phyce.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear listening to the music and not having any grand imaginations or reactions to it where I'm afraid of it not being good without those things where I don't know what it would be or what it would sound like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated with the way that I feel and experience when I listen to this music instead of just remaining stable and centered where I'm intrigued by having a quick fix as a quick way to get to a state of mind and obtain something within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself purpose in listening to my favorite music and having special feelings when I listen to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up a part of myself in stopping my relationship to my favorite music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose in life as having experiences when i listen to my favorite music where I've 'found myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself in music where what I've found is just a moment away from myself for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened to question my relationship to my favorite band where I hardly even think of that music or listen to it very occasionally yet still hold that relationship with value even though I rarely participate in listening to it.

When and as I see myself experiencing my relationship to my favorite music as being too powerful to face and beyond words, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've never tired to face it and put it into words and allowed it to be powerful to give me special meaningful experiences, thus, I commit myself to when I think of or am actively listening to my favorite music from my favorite band to step back from identifying with it and defining it as something special and take a more unbiased listen to it where maybe it starts to sound a little different once I'm not giving it all this purpose and pumping it up to give me special feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to twist my experience listening to music with my experience of being out in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an already beyond words experience as what I have sometimes when I sit out in nature and combine it with my favorite music where then it's things like this that amplify the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a deep meaning to my favorite music when I listen to it after drinking beer where beer already puts me in a state of mind and then the music on top of that give it even deeper power by combining it with the beer experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my experience to my favorite music when I combine listening to it with smoking weed where with weed already is everything seeming messed up and wrong and paranoid and sick and then combined with the music the music doesn't have enough of a reaction to calm the messed up experience within me down so the music itself seems messed up showing how it's all based on my own experience as how I perceive the music.

When and as I see myself experiencing my favorite music along with any other experience within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm angry and upset and listen to some music I might hate that music when in reality I might normally like it and it was only because I'm angry in that moment, thus, I commit myself to listen to my favorite music unbiased where I listen to it without connecting it to my inner experience where i see that music does not make me feel anything I make myself feel a certain way.