Day 397- Festival of Legends

 Festival of Legends is the name of the new Hearthstone card game expansion that came out recently. 

The timing of the release of the new expansion along with a multitude of other factors lead me to playing this new expansion for the card game fairly extensively recently. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start playing video games again in blame of external factors in my life that are out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the timing of the expansion dropping right around the time of something that I had anticipated in my life to move which I could not directly control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty knowing that I could be working towards something instead of keeping myself distracted with video games while I am waiting on something I am hopeful about to work out for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with video games because I do not want to take on the new responsibilities that are coming up in my life and want to go back to that state of suppression and denial that has not been fully eradicated from me yet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game because in my card game I can win and there is a definite winner and loser and I can try to defeat someone else and strive for this sense of accomplishment without all the intensity and actual ramifications of real physical living decisions that affect my life and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that playing a card game when I have tons of mounting responsibilities I am ignoring does not stop time and prevent reality from moving it simply distracts me from having any sense or being able to relate that for every moment I waste playing card games to have fun and energetically engage with others in a game the real game of life is still moving forward without me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to play my card game because I do not have to actually put anything for real on the line as I do with real life where there is real risks and real mistakes and the players are other real people and animals and existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not play in my real life and play with my own business and job and relationships and whatever else I am creating or building in my physical reality. 

When and as I see myself desiring to play with the new cards from the new expansion for my card game on my computer/phone, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am avoiding the real life game and the real life stakes at hand while I am waiting around for the piece to work in my favor, which just like my video game isn't how reality works, thus, I commit myself to play the real game of life where my goal of the game is to be my best and create what's best as being my best self as much as feasibly possible everyday. 

I commit myself to have fun at whatever I am required to do any day just like a game. 

I commit myself to take charge in my life just like in my card game where if you don't play your cards your opponent will win and you will certainly lose. 

I commit myself to challenge others and myself the way I would in my game. 

I commit myself to acquire as many point as possible by walking my process as effectively as I can each day and doing my best with my life and the things I am participating in and creating each day. 

I commit myself to stop playing video games and start playing the game of real life. 

I commit myself to stop watching videos about my video game, where I wouldn't even know or be aware of the new expansion except for seeing people playing it on videos being advertised to me through YouTube. 

Day 396- feeling weak

 I feel weak. 

Some how it's something that is very hard to admit. Like, I could see myself going to absolutely any length to hide and prevent myself and anyone else from seeing me as weak. 

I see in this moment to build myself up, to create myself, to give myself value, to truly be strong on a deep core level, not just muscle strength to lift heavy weights, but the strength of integrity, I can see it will take time and in this moment I feel vulnerable, that I can see and another might see too that I am not living the strength that I wish to live. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable due to feeling weak, that I won't get what I want in life, and won't be able to create the life that I want because I will reflect what is inside of me and inside of me I see weakness not worth great things and great creation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become weak by creating myself through feelings instead of through actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the consequences of me living out weakness might be for myself and for others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I could become strong in an instant that 'I know what strength is now so I deserve it now'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to turn an eye of myself and others as equal to not see me in this moment where I see of myself weakness not able to be and create and express on the level of which I want and would prefer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become weak by trying to realize and live and attain strength through force. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this feeling of weakness define me and distract me where I may feel weak, but on some level I know who I am is more than this feeling in a moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within this moment of feeling weak instead of being honest with myself about how I can use this moment of feeling weak to stand for myself as creation in the flesh where my feeling of being weak and strong are both limiting my real ability to create myself physically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel too weak to face the challenges of whatever may come for me in my life. 

When and as I see myself feeling weak, I stop, I breathe, I realize that a feeling does not denote my real strength, thus, I commit myself to move myself to live what I realize is strength in the flesh. 

I commit myself to sit up and correct my posture to create strength. 

I commit myself to exercise and move my body to create strength. 

I commit myself to challenge myself to speak with others and support myself and others by cross referencing and sharing with them to build strength. 

I commit myself to increase my income that I make each year to build up my strength. 

I commit myself to stop drinking coffee to build up my strength and focus on creating strength through the real food I eat and consume apposed to coffee which I do not drink to nourish my body but drink to force myself into motion and action instead of creating it for myself organically. 

Day 395- Take the next step

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess in my mind over those I am jealous of and envious of instead of taking the next step that is indicated by such enby and jealously, as the next step to align myself and stand equal to those I am in separation of. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time playing around serving no meaning or not purpose through video games, internet, any form of wasteful time management instead of taking the next step as the next direct physical action I need to do and realize is best. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of my life with so much that needs to be done and so much moving inside of me as so to control and manipulate and create such resistance to taking my next step of physical chore, duty, activity that I might simply give up, take a nap, do something distracting, find a less effective way to spend my time to resign myself from service. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my entire life as being an endless series of next steps that much be taken which I must plan out even beyond the estimated time I am likely to live into over a hundred years old still giving myself a next step and a next means of serving and being of service. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about what the next step is, where there can be many pitfalls where I might consider something productive, yet on some level I know that I could be doing something more meaningful or more valuable and I must have brutal self honestly to admit this and recognize that not all task that require discipline and work and effort are all of the same value or purpose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise too much, where just as I can exercise too little, I can also have too much fun playing basketball per say where I might spend more time than is needed due to being intoxicated by the thrill of playing ball, and yet basketball serves a purpose that I should not abuse by playing for too long then my needed and allotted time for exercise. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the next steps in building my business where I must again be in a state of total self honesty to recognize when to step back and when to step forward, when to study the craft and trade, and when it is time to take action and stop procrastinating on the actual work that must be done for any real success to be achieved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I am describing as becoming the beast and the soldier and the robot designed only for absolute efficiently and merciless effectiveness as being too much to take on and not fair to me still defending my freedom to be lazy and ineffective and not honest about what is really at stake here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate anything else from me than to be unstoppable, always moving myself to take the next step, always pushing my limits, always challenging what is possible, always calmly smoothly and steadily moving forward to take the next physical action that will lead to the creation of my ultimate goal of myself and the world as what is best as a perfect system of self and a perfect system of the external world as a reflection of that same perfected self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as an example of greatness of what can be achieved when I am standing, when I am relentless, when I am a beast of the physical present here still and breathing acting in certainty in self trust, creating something that will stand for generations to come. 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and tight in my chest feeling that the next step is too hard that I cannot take another step towards my goal, to move myself to another physical action that will challenge me and shape who I am, I stop, I breathe, I realize that as long as I am still alive and breathing this is who I am and what will be done one way or another, thus, I commit myself to make my life and everyone's life easier by without a moment of doubt or hesitation to move myself to the next physical action that is required of me. 

I commit myself to lay down to sleep when it is scheduled and when it is required of me. 

I commit myself to manage my time more effectively between a agreement to do such between me and my partner wife. 

I commit myself to make no excuses for myself where I can see my time being managed more effectively to accomplish more in a day, and to plan my time out in the longest term as well as the shortest term possible. 

I commit myself to get organized to create an environment where my ability to function and create can prosper. 

I commit myself to read and study not just the Desteni materials but also the words of those who have come before or even alive still who have taken the time to make a record of their own process and journey through life. 

I commit myself to equalize myself with those I am jealous or envious of through taking such separation and limitation I have created as a challenge that I am not just trying to stop myself from reacting towards another but I am trying to take on the same words I see in another onto myself and into my own living and application. 

I commit myself to be the monster that I would like to see in the world, something that is endlessly and relentlessly on a mission that without certainty cannot be achieved in it's own lifetime. 

I commit myself to be the monster that will do anything to achieve my goal of creating the best system and world and self possible despite knowing that to change this whole world in my lifetime is beyond unlikely and so going into battle knowing that failure is certain, that I can only leave a trail and set a foundation for those to come, to be the set of shoulders that the children of the future might stand upon together creating timelessness. 

Day 394- energy abuse/manipulation

 The issue with things that a person experiences internally is that to convey or share or reference with another is not as simple and direct as referring to something that is external that can be physically seen and touched and verified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of myself internally through energy manipulation because my internal can only be seen by me as far as I am aware for the most part and so only I can decide if what I am experiencing is valid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process almost entirely by my internal so that I could decide for myself how things are going and how great I am doing without anyone challenging it so long as I don't even try to cross reference with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process by energy manipulation to keep myself distracted and not actually having to face the real challenges of living and cooperating and creating together in the physical world with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that although I see how I have screwed myself with energy and limited my ability to function for real in process in the flesh in the actual living of the world that I still have to face my internal manifestation every day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated how I am haunted by the consequences of my mind energy manipulation wanting to be selfish in creating my own private world of energy to feel powerful and pretend to be more than I am really living in the physical as a guru without even knowing it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an energy guru manipulating and screwing around with energy in my mind despite the clear disconnect and discomfort that could be traced back to my body totally ignoring my body and leaving myself not in the best health or shape due to being more concerned with power of the mind and energy than actual integral strength and power in the flesh. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had created something special that is beyond words in my mind as energy just as a guru or spiritualist where I simply placed the word process onto my creation to magically defined it from being completely wrong and delusional and missing the entire point of what the Desteni principles and materials clearly let on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own special process for myself to apparently protect me from the conflict and friction of facing others and participating for real in process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear holding my own walking equal with others in process and so creating my fantasy land of energy where I could hide and justify where eventually the consequences simply created more things that I could no longer hide or justify in terms of problems in myself and in relation to reality that could not be ignored or denied ay longer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with what I have been creating with energy as being total abuse of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically abuse myself creating separation creating limitation creating delusion creating excuses and creating a giant point of ego to hide from actually taking things serious and seeing things all the way through. 

The internal energy and movement and bullshit I have accumulated that I can see and experience in each moment is not pleasant, but I can still live and breathe and am in good enough health to challenge myself to get as physical and serious and engaged with process and reality as much as I can each and everyday. 

When and as I see myself feeling helpless in relationship to the internal energy abuse I have created and experience each moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am walking through and seeing the actuality of what I have created as energy bullshit, as the actual negative that I have suppressed in search of the positive which I labeled and justified as process as my own special process, thus, 

I commit myself to walk process as I see it is done more effective and most real. 

I commit myself to not tolerate from myself or another any form of special unique process where there is just energy mind bullshit being manipulated and nothing actually happening in the world or in the flesh.

I commit myself to cross reference and to share where I can be challenged and held accountable.

I commit myself to read the material and study what has been written and spoke by those before me. 

I commit myself to engage with the real physical world and recognize the physical reality around me in my immediate environment and the world at large as equal to me as another part of me that I am walking out as one and equal. 

I commit myself to breathe and direct the energy abuse accumulated in me which I experience in each moment until it is brought to a point of stopping and stillness and clarity where I can in self honesty say that I am clear and still and not in a state of energy fluctuation of my mind which I am somehow deceiving myself into believing is my special process that makes me better than others when it is actually the opposite. 

Day 393- Process to me

 This is how I understand process. For me.

I use the tools of process, some are everyday things, and some are on a different regularity. 

SF, reading the blogs, exercise, as well using TT are daily things.

Cross referencing with others, doing pitches and sales for TT can be a more so thing done on intervals not always something you can reliably do everyday per say. 

These are the things that are the best things I can do to support me to be my best self. 

I want to be my best self because that is what's best for me, so that's just redundant. 

Therefore process is to become my best self, by making the best decision to do the best things each day, as well as other things that are more so long term not necessarily daily, because that's what best for me and everyone so is just obvious. 

So free choice is bullshit self interest because there is no choice if you see what is best and chose not to do it that's not a choice just fucking yourself and others and making life worse for everyone. 

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish by living out free choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that in any moment I can see and realize what is best for all parties involved on earth and can move myself to do the thing that is best such as me walking my process each day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil by believing and acting on apparent free choice. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I have the freedom to chose anything other than the best thing for myself and all others and chose that thing then I am fucked up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having free choice because I am evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the choice to abuse life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value choice over caring for the life that has been given to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how judgement can only exist where freedom of choice exist where if each individual is acting on what they see as best and each is living that way than there is no point to judge in anyone because all are living and expressing in total perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a mindless slave robot if I give up my free choice where the opposite has actually proven to be true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set myself free by giving up my ability to chose anything than what I see as best and acting on it every day developing what I understand to be best and defining it more and more clearly every day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my life more fun by giving myself the best life which would inherintly be the most fun life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for abusing life by giving myself free choice. 

When and as I see myself fearing to give up free choice, I stop, I breathe, I realize that nothing but evil, selfishness, and spite towards life has been created by free choice, so there is no reason to believe that free choice is valid or real or justifiable, thus, I commit myself to in each moment do what I see is best for all of life as one and equal... 

I commit myself to walk my process each day because I see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to support my partner and our baby to walk their process each day because I see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to support others to begin their process because I can see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to not waste time playing video games or watching televistion or youtube shows that are just for entertainment for myself when I am bored because I see that's not what is best for all life. 

I commit myself to stop what I am doing to support another when they are in need of support in a moment because I see that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to not tolerate me being a work slave working everyday without creating Oppurtunites for me to grow a business that can alleviate that pain and suffering and taking up all my time because I can see how being too lazy to grow a business such as Techno Tutor is not best for all life, where creating a business like Techno Tutor is best for all life. 

ect...

That was a very easy summary of what process is, and is very easy to understand and comprehend. 

I realize how much I have made process very complicated and confusing by making it all just mental bullshit.

When I can just physically lay it all out here it is so simple, and yet I still could go into hours and hours of more specific detail if needed. 

Day 392- failing my wife

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cconsider how I would effectively build a future for me and my wife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife for getting in the way of us creating a future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about the state of the economy and what is required to be successful and actually have a real future with someone in the current cuworld. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend more time figuring out and applying myself in relationship to making money and managing and investing money for me and my wife. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that evwerything would magically fall into place and that I wouldn't have to really consider the reality of the money seituation and how much is required of a man to be successful and to provite for his wife in the current world systemm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a man for me and my wife to be strong and provitde and do what is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system as being a bully standing in my way of acheiveing what I wnat for me and my wife. 

I forgive myself that I have ac epted and allowed myself to not find any ways of making money to support my wife and our dreams even if I do not like the forms of comepition in relationship to making money in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted nd allowed myself to not compete in the system for making money as a required part of success and thriving in the system is demanded that you compete with others in the system as it is designed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not chhallenge the system despite needing to particpate3 in the system to make money and procitede for my wife. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that in using my tools and other means of self application and community that I can support myself to be my best version of myself who can fiht in the system to amek money in a reasonable way so that I can support me and my wife and make a faimly and have babies. 

I commit myself to be strong and apply myself and to figure out how to make as mich money as possible to support me and my wife to be able to have babies and to be a man who can be relied on to make the best for myselfa dd my wife and the world. 

Day 391- Job and body pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worried that my body will become overwhelmed with work.

I forgive myself that I avve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body not being able to stay strong for me to do the physical work I need to do to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on my self care to support me to do the work I need to do to provitde for myself and achieve my goals. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by not being in a heqlthy caring rleaitonhsip with my boyd. 

I forgive myself mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by not checking in with my body and getting in touch with my body and what it needs to succeed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil in relationship to my body causing my body to suffer and be abused by my mind which I have crated and enforded onto the flesh. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I must abuse my body to work and to make money through abusing my bflesh whcih is inivitable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am abusing my body and my flesh no matter what I do in each moment I am in a constant state of self abuse. 

I commit myself to keep pushing myself to do the work I need to do to make the money I need to support myself and to achieve my goals regardless of how my body suffer as I realize I must spend time and application to correct and suport my relationship to my obdy to make things better. 

I commit myself to take better care of my self and my body moving foreard.