Day 394- energy abuse/manipulation

 The issue with things that a person experiences internally is that to convey or share or reference with another is not as simple and direct as referring to something that is external that can be physically seen and touched and verified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of myself internally through energy manipulation because my internal can only be seen by me as far as I am aware for the most part and so only I can decide if what I am experiencing is valid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process almost entirely by my internal so that I could decide for myself how things are going and how great I am doing without anyone challenging it so long as I don't even try to cross reference with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process by energy manipulation to keep myself distracted and not actually having to face the real challenges of living and cooperating and creating together in the physical world with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that although I see how I have screwed myself with energy and limited my ability to function for real in process in the flesh in the actual living of the world that I still have to face my internal manifestation every day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated how I am haunted by the consequences of my mind energy manipulation wanting to be selfish in creating my own private world of energy to feel powerful and pretend to be more than I am really living in the physical as a guru without even knowing it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an energy guru manipulating and screwing around with energy in my mind despite the clear disconnect and discomfort that could be traced back to my body totally ignoring my body and leaving myself not in the best health or shape due to being more concerned with power of the mind and energy than actual integral strength and power in the flesh. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had created something special that is beyond words in my mind as energy just as a guru or spiritualist where I simply placed the word process onto my creation to magically defined it from being completely wrong and delusional and missing the entire point of what the Desteni principles and materials clearly let on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own special process for myself to apparently protect me from the conflict and friction of facing others and participating for real in process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear holding my own walking equal with others in process and so creating my fantasy land of energy where I could hide and justify where eventually the consequences simply created more things that I could no longer hide or justify in terms of problems in myself and in relation to reality that could not be ignored or denied ay longer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with what I have been creating with energy as being total abuse of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically abuse myself creating separation creating limitation creating delusion creating excuses and creating a giant point of ego to hide from actually taking things serious and seeing things all the way through. 

The internal energy and movement and bullshit I have accumulated that I can see and experience in each moment is not pleasant, but I can still live and breathe and am in good enough health to challenge myself to get as physical and serious and engaged with process and reality as much as I can each and everyday. 

When and as I see myself feeling helpless in relationship to the internal energy abuse I have created and experience each moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am walking through and seeing the actuality of what I have created as energy bullshit, as the actual negative that I have suppressed in search of the positive which I labeled and justified as process as my own special process, thus, 

I commit myself to walk process as I see it is done more effective and most real. 

I commit myself to not tolerate from myself or another any form of special unique process where there is just energy mind bullshit being manipulated and nothing actually happening in the world or in the flesh.

I commit myself to cross reference and to share where I can be challenged and held accountable.

I commit myself to read the material and study what has been written and spoke by those before me. 

I commit myself to engage with the real physical world and recognize the physical reality around me in my immediate environment and the world at large as equal to me as another part of me that I am walking out as one and equal. 

I commit myself to breathe and direct the energy abuse accumulated in me which I experience in each moment until it is brought to a point of stopping and stillness and clarity where I can in self honesty say that I am clear and still and not in a state of energy fluctuation of my mind which I am somehow deceiving myself into believing is my special process that makes me better than others when it is actually the opposite.