Day 177- Self Expression as Direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable within myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to let energy move me as feeling quezy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not release my quiziness within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress whatever it is making me quezy.

I'm quezy because I'm not giving myself direction, I'm just falling back on old programs and giving myself no new meaning or purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to having no direction with being quezy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving myself direction within myself because I'm obsessed over just being unmoved in my mind, but not realizing myself as moving myself as standing equal to self movement as self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving myself something to do within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself activities and things to do within myself because I've defined myself as being unable to do anything here within myself outside of my mind as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work on defining who I am as the physical as one and equal in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as undefinable which is ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself of who I am here, where I fear not being able to distinguish when I'm here aware creating and expressing myself vs when I'm just creating experiences within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take what is me being moved within my mind and me moving myself and expressing myself as who I am here as my body.

If I'm not taking the question of what is my mind and what is me expressing myself here to the physical as oneness and equality then I've got a personal egocentric interest in manifesting a certain answer within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide a secret personal reason for not taking the question of what is my mind and what is me expressing myself here into the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my answer to my question above just taking it back to myself and realizing the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into creating an answer for what is the mind and what is me expressing myself here because I want to not risk being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about what is me expressing my mind vs me expressing myself because I desire to express myself here in living, but I fear how dense my self expression has become.

When and as I see myself fearing expressing myself as giving myself things to do here as an expression of myself as the physical, I stop, I breathe, I realize to discover what is the mind and what is me expressing myself here I have to take it back to myself here as oneness and equality, thusly, I commit myself to bring the question of what is me expressing myself vs me expressing my mind look like and exist as here in each breathe.

...

Letting things occur naturally,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aggressively assert dominance over my own nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enforcing my mind and conscience personality over my nature as what occurs most naturally as being giving me power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek power in overthrowing my own nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dominate what comes naturally to me because society is totally against nature, so to be strong in society you have to overthrow your natural state of being and create a new one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my most basic nature and self movement when I've tried to create and express myself from a conscience standpoint which appears to be flawed in that it's rooted in separation as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in seeking for survival and adaptation within my mind as consciences fail to consider how I can move myself here in the most natural way possible, as expressing myself here as the physical in the most natural and simplest way possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being simple here in my living, as I realize I don't have to be defined by just one word within my living, but what if I was, or did want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge living and moving myself as the word simple to be not a sufficient form of self expression.

Which explains why my mind is so crazy and all over the place, I'd rather be nuts then to just be bland, simple, and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what comes naturally within my self expression as being bland, simple, and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose a character that does not represent what comes most naturally to me, because instead of facing my relationship and potentially changing in standing equal to being bland, boring, and I went into fear and try to become something far more complicated which I have done to my own regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lame back in elementary school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my lifes direction all about being accepted by others instead of just accepting myself and then moving onward to create myself, because you can't please all the people all the time, and why please anyone at all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life as void and depressing if I didn't have companionship, and the way to have companionship to not be naturally boring, bland, and simple which is how I see myself before trying to become a character to be liked and adored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pressure of living and being stuck with people around me influence my decision making by making me settle for, I have to be around all these people, I need to find a place to settle into, a group, a personality, a way of navigating a hostile world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I created the hostility I experienced, and I agreed within and as myself to fight against my nature, to become stronger, because my nature wasn't enough to deal with all the people all around me on a daily basis back in school/specifically starting in elementary school.

Looking back I wish I hadn't folded, and tried to pull stunts to be someone I didn't care for, just to give me leverage over others, it was a flawed sloppy orchestra with a lot of consequences, having built up a character to entertain others, instead of just being myself as what came most naturally, not right or wrong, but better in being closer to who I am here as what supports me and I can best express in my living as the physical. I can only handle being a goofball for so long, it inst' what comes naturally for me, it's forced and comes from a personal agenda of stability, to create stable relationships to support myself by becoming the character I thought others would like to see.

It makes me cringe in how just thinking about a few memories back in elementary school, which really to me doesn't even feel like that long ago, just 10 years, but in seeing how I was already so influenced and so scared and so much happening with me and nowhere to turn to, I realize I could have turned to myself, I could have been stronger, but my fear seemed so real to this day, my fear still seems like I could reach out and touch it, like it should never be questioned.

It's weird how in placing myself back 10 years ago, I can see much of myself that hasn't changed, that I'm still living to this day even though I'm twice the age I was and twice the height, school and growing up was such a major formulating time for me, and what choice did I have trapped with all these people around me, even though I feel like I'd preferred to probably kept mostly to myself you simply can't at school, there's people everywhere. So now I have a personality of resentfully trying to appeal to others even though I don't want to have to deal with others.

When and as I see myself not living and breathing naturally in each breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize I created programs on top of what came naturally to me out of reaction and blame towards my environment, thusly, I commit myself to stand as one and equal to my environment as facing what is around me one and equal where I then do not feel or act upon creating and programming more and more within myself always seeking to gain ground over my opposition as the world around me, where i can then just realize myself one and equal to the world around me and move myself accordingly.

Day 176- Oneness and Equality as Direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving myself the ability to express in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what direction I'm taking myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong within the direction I take within my self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself nothing to live and express within myself outside of my mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and explore who I am as life and what I'm capable of within my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not test myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the direction I can take within my life when I don't test my process and test what I'm capable of within myself.

I've been wanting to try to expand to explore more of myself in what I'm capable of expressing as myself.

But I don't have the information or understanding or research.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself will all be in my head and only lead to more consequences.

I realize consequence isn't a good or bad thing, everything has an output a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reaching out within myself and exploring something within my living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself something fulfilling to work with as an expression of myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself within each breathe as who I am and everything I'm capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore expressing myself because I'm hung up on everything within my mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if my mind is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind define who I'm going to be and what I'm going to create as myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself no creating power within each breathe because I've defined myself as limited until I can stand one and equal with my mind as what's best for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to creating myself.

To forgive then to stop that which I've forgiven, but then to create myself to change who I am and what I'm living as equal and one as life.

I can't explain it with knowledge or information, I just have to put it to the test.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devote myself to nothing more then stopping my mind as separation, but create nothing in the place of what I've separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let being tired prevent me from stepping into myself and expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express who or what I am as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to come about within me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to come through within my expression instead of realizing myself as moving myself to express who I am here.

Am I life, words, thoughts, the physical, conscience?

Whatever or whoever I am, I commit myself to bring it into living and expression as the physical.

I don't need the knowledge, I am whatever I am, and I commit myself to bring myself out here in each breathe, where I can filter and forgive the separation in self forgiveness and correction application.

I commit myself to bring to life one and equal who I am and create myself here as equal and one as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bring out who I am as the physical within my physical expression so I can subvert my process of self forgiveness and self honesty.

I realize there's nothing to desire in that bringing everything within me and as me into the physical is the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that there's something I can bring into the physical to stand one and equal to the physical which will give me strength and solace, as I realize I must stand as strength and solace as the physical as one and equal as life as the physical.

I can trust life as the physical as oneness and equality ensured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind filter what I allow myself to express as myself as the physical, as I realize I must stop filtering through the mind and express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dictate myself through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set myself free in each breathe as the physical as oneness and equality ensured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place doubt on me expressing myself here as the physical when I pop back into my mind to make sure everything in my mind is still there, to make sure the programs are running accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain parts of my mind and of energy to be too dense to be Integrated here as the physical as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the back lash of my mind in bringing it into the light as oneness and equality as being lived moved and expressed here as the physical.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to handle the backlash here as one and equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let certain parts of myself be excused from begin expressed here as oneness and equality as the physical as I realize these parts of me can't escape because separation is an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the parts of myself I define as bad, as I realize to just stop giving into fear and judgement and to just bring everything out here the truth can be realized in living and life can be created and expressed accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let all I'm not standing as equal and one with as the physical go into further separation within my mind, where it begins to come out in pain and weight and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind become a chaotic burden upon me instead of bringing it back to myself here as one and equal.

I want to express myself here create here as oneness and equality as the physical, why have I programmed myself to be less than one and equal through my mind? Why have I created myself outside of who I am?

Out of love and fear?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define love as more than who I am here in living.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define hate as more or separate from who I am here as living.

Because I got lost?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within all the separation created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let being here in a single breathe moving and expressing myself not speak to me to guide me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be guided by conscienceness where the physical is not taken into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not resolve the separation I was born into in a single breathe as giving myself direction here as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to make sense of my existence within my mind where I'm not living and breathing and seeing and realizing my existence as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become misguided by each memory I form, pushing myself further and further away from self realization and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of life in promoting the systems that are currently in place on earth within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and equal to the systems on earth as bringing responsibility for the systems on earth being created by man back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question why I was not able to have seen and realized what needs to be done within myself as standing one and equal as I realize there's no reason to dwell on the past, but to just forgive and move forward in change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to see and realize the moment in my life where living stopped and conscienceness began.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mind, when I created my mind, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body, when my body is one and equal so beyond blame as energy symbols.

Who I am was simply not standing as one and equal as what is best for all of life, at whatever point in existence in this life or another, it wasn't good or bad but for some reason something happened where I wasn't standing for what's best for all of life as the physical as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret how much pain I will ensure onto myself through my separation in living from the physical before I can just be here standing living and creating what's best for life as myself.

When and as I see myself living separation from what's best for life in each breathe as standing and living as oneness and equality, I stop, I breathe, I realize at some point I deceived myself as standing in separation from oneness and equality in living, but here in this life is my opportunity to change, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe bring as much as I possibly can into each breathe as into oneness and equality where I can see my separation not something bad or good but as what it is as not living in accordance with life as promoting and directing what's best for life I'm each breathe.

Day 175- Changing my Direction Again Today

Today I tried to do self forgiveness to chill out, not doing self forgiveness to then in result be chilled out by the action of self forgiveness, but literally doing self forgiveness for not being chilled out more, because I thought what would support me is to be chilled out in each breathe, that'd be nice.

But I think what happened is that I was trying to live and express being chilled out as an experience, circumventing the reason I desire to be chilled out, as to not have to exist as feeling weak and tired and pensive.

I watched a video talking about how self expression comes from self forgiveness, so trying to force a specific result of being chilled out might not be the best course of action.

Trying to suppress the way I was feeling and trying to superimpose another system.

I see where I got a little mixed up though after watching that video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to create something within myself within self forgiveness to circumvent what I'm trying to overlap within myself.

Being chilled out as a self expression would come from me forgiving that which is made me not chilled out.

It's like if I were depressed and tried to make myself not depressed without addressing what's making me depressed in self forgiveness, allowing the potential within me to sprout naturally as an expression of myself.

A pretty good lesson to be learnt, and it's good to have watched a video and done some research admitting that I'm not well educated on the subject which helped accelerate my understanding.

Let me take on the point of being chilled out again from a new perspective.

So instead of trying to insert being chilled out as circumventing the process needing to be walked, I look at, why am I not chilled out?

I'm not living my potential to be chilled out, because I'm living the word pensive.

Everything is so serious and impending and extreme.

Like going to work, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive about going to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick and tired of writing about work, when I can clearly see how pensive and stressed about going to work I am, so I'm tired of conflict arising in relationship to work, but am simultaneously creating resistance to facing my conflict to work.

Instead of facing my conflict I just wanted to get through work by being chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my fedupness with work by trying to just get done with work by being chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset that I can't find a good way to support myself at work to make things easier on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make things easier on myself at work and be chilled out by better aligning myself in each breathe, where I can be here in each breathe where I can be chilled out.

So instead of trying to align myself with another creation as being chilled out I align myself as equal to that which is making me not chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as equal to why I can not chill out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force myself to chill out to not be equal to the things mind me in not chilled.

I want to be equal to being chilled out by separating myself from the things making me not chilled out.

So that's the problem.

What specifically is not chilled out within me at work.

It's stressful to be at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm stressing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work for making me stressed out and not chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as being able to go into work and create myself within work as whatever I'd like it to be, but I'd prefer it to be stressful as a statement that I don't want to be here.

I tried to address not wanting to be at work with being chilled out, but not addressing why I don't want to be at work is because I don't feel like I can chill out at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create work as a place where I cannot chill out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I can support myself at work by chilling out, as just being there with whoever is there and doing the work, that's chill, that's part of life just make it happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize chilling out just breathing and being here with my body because I've got too much on my mind.

How am I going to resolve everything on my mind at work? I need to be in a place where I can sit down and write and speak self forgiveness.

'I don't want to chill out, I've got too many problems'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words chilling out because I've got too many problems to tolerate ever not being pensive and overworked by all my problems...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over my problems outside of my self forgiveness.

Right now in self forgiveness is the time to be totally overwhelmed, and to channel that into writing.

Work is a time to just be chilled out.

I've got things a little backwards for some reason.

I'm obsessed over my mind when I can't do anything about it at work, then I'm stumped when I'm at home writing self forgiveness when I should be obsessed and totally digging into my mind.

This doesn't make sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive about being at work and not addressing my problems when I'm at work.

And then I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be chilled out when I'm at home and it's time to be obsessed and actually digging into things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my problems on work when I can't address them when I should be blaming myself for feeling relived that I've escaped work where all my problems lie.

This is why I'm whacked out, not chilling when it's chill time at work.

I see my problems at work because I can't address them, then once I'm out of work it's like my problems are gone because I'm in a position to be addressing them.

From here I can actually get to a place where i can chill out, because I actually see how I've made everything ass backwards.

There's so much to dig into here...

So let me focus with my words.

I put my problems up at work.

I blame work for my problems, so then when I leave work, I resolved my problems!

Work instead of being the best place to chill out and have fun, becomes the harborer of all my problems.

Escaping work becomes escaping my problems.

Really crazy stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger all of my problems when they cannot be addressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress all of my problems when they can be addressed.

The key here is that I'm a deception artist.

Yes I'm working towards equality through self forgiveness, but I'll be a deception artist all along the way, placing traps and misleading myself.

Now I see why I've made work backwards.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scape goat all my problems on work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my Savior where I can finally address my problems, yet if i just sit around doing nothing, nothing changes, I have to be my own Savior wherever I go.

Relief.

I'm stuck at work, then going home makes me unstuck, hence the sense of relief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the positive feeling of relief from my problems, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal with my problems through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek relief through self forgiveness instead of realizing myself as equal to my mind and equal to forgiving and changing my mind and my relationship to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in inequality with my mind, where I cannot direct my mind because I'm not equal to it, how can I forgive it if it's not a part of me.

I need to learn more about equality.

For now I'd say everything is one and equal, because that make's, but don't know.

When and as I see myself not standing equal to what I'm capable of at work as chilling out and leaving my problems to be addressed when I actually can address
them, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can't do anything at work but chill out and do the work, then take on my problems when I actually can at home, thusly, I commit myself to be chilled out and focused on work I'm doing at work, and I commit myself to let everything out in my writing where I can actually work with the information and things coming up in self forgiveness and self honesty.

Day 174- New Direction

After writing out a lot of big point that have been moving me, I've been a little disorientated today, like now what? 

I've lost the things which have given me all of my direction in my life, all the energy moving within me, and me directly participating with that, and trying to stop everything within me has been my direction in each breathe. 

If I don't give myself some direction, I'm going to have no where to go but to fall back on my old habits internally, I've cleared the path now I need to make a change. 

What's the word I can start living in each breathe, where instead of falling back on old habits I can give myself direction...

I was thinking the word fun, because I like to have fun, and I like to work and do my writing and I like for it to all be fun, to be enjoyable.

I like that word, but it's not exactly the best word I can come up with to give myself new direction in each breath. 

I got it. 

The points I've cleared up by doing some self forgiveness and self honesty I would put into the word occupied.

It makes me think about how I've spent my whole life needing to be occupied, but how I've become so self centered within external means of occupation, I can't push myself as hard, I can't apply myself as much, I need to find occupation from within, in my living, give myself that new direction. 

I see that everything making up my experience is like detached moments, a collection of thoughts and experiences perceptions and anomalies making up a detached experience of myself. 

I don't want to be detached from myself, only experiencing myself as if I'm looking in on myself through the lens of everything making up my mind, I want to start living the word occupation, I want to occupy each breathe, occupy my body, occupy each moment. 

 Stop occupying my mind, and start occupying reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever occupy my mind, because in looking through the lens of my mind, what else is there? 

All I've ever had was the lens of my mind except probably since I was a little kid, or a baby, because I can't remember being a baby, so things were probably way different then they are now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never fully occupy a moment, to be totally in a moment in my body in the experience of a moment unfiltered. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base who I am as how I experience reality on the filter of my mind, instead of the unfiltered reality because I've been living occupation of feelings and experiences and thoughts and thinking. 

All the effort in the world to change that fact, and it just comes down to me moving myself into it in living, and through writing and speaking my words is how I direct myself there, after clearing the path, as cleansing what I've created. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I need cleansing before I can occupy a moment in breathe as the physical reality to be occupied here. 

Looking back into my memories, I can't see anything within me in my memories that doesn't clearly require cleansing realignment, I've never been in a moment occupied here as my body in reality looking around occupied here unfiltered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I'm unable to occupy myself here in each breathe with stimulants in entertainment, like saying this is all I'll ever be so I need something which assists me in occupying my mind, like TV. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm just playing the role of my mind in each situation I encounter, I'm not able to direct myself in any moment, because I'm not occupied here, I'm preoccupied by my mind, ever since I can even remember. 

I'm here in this room right now, I should be living as an occupant of this room, I should be occuping myself while occupying this room, but this room, and my own body, to my mind it doesn't matter, to my mind I'd rather be occupying a fantasy, a feeling, a thought, but I'm finding how draining that is to be off in imagination takes a lot of energy, but to be here, occupying my own body my own breathe is the most rewarding thing to ever exist, I commit myself to occupy my own body in each breathe, as living the word occupation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss myself and seek external stimuli and relationships to become preoccupied with, when I knew within me something is off, I'm missing the point, but I just didn't have the energy to bother, the world was too big, and I was afraid of taking a stand within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand within myself as occupying my own body, as a statement no matter what happens, no matter what happens to me, to you, no matter what, I'm here, I'm occupying myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's hard to occupy my own body when it's not hard, I just didn't learn and teach myself to occupy my body, I taught myself to occupy my mind out of fear of consequences and punishment, from my very first memory I can recall when I was in preschool I remember going into fear of consequences of my actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let occupying reality be too much for me to handle, and in that moment on from my very first memory, saying within myself I regret this, I wish I wasn't here, and thusly waiting for my life to come to a resolution. 

I have my resolution now, and it is all or nothing, either I'm walking myself out of this mess day by day, and then sharing what I have to offer if I can ever see myself to such a point in my life, or I'm going to wither away and die with nothing to offer as my existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear occupying as being me as what I've created. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear occupying myself in my body in my life and facing the consequences of my actions of my existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not occupy myself in each breathe because I don't want to face the consequences of existence, and would rather wait in fear for the boogeyman to come knocking on my door. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not occupy myself in each breathe as living the word occupation through my being because I'd rather wait in my mind to die, regretting that I was brought into existence to begin with, because in my mind, the problems of the world are not equal to me, but here in occupying myself, all the problems in the entire world fall on my shoulders, and I must resolve them within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize from my first memory right then and there my life needs to be a gift, I need to occupy total self responsibility for everything in existence as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up in little moments in my mind, when to sit here and say the best life I can live is to take total self responsibility for everything as one and equal to me, and to thus live accordingly. 

That's common sense, I should have been born with that seed in my heart, I should have known that from the beginning. 

There's no thought, no question of what I can or can't accomplish in one life time, it's, this is what a great life would be, to occupy myself here on earth regardless of the horror and fear existing all around me and within me, but to just keep existing to keep occupying myself as a statement of life. 

The passion the courage the realignment is all here to be occupied in living, living in my very being, occupying my being what makes me myself, not what makes me separate as my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my life degrade by occupying my mind, because I believed if I die this will all be over, but I'm not occupying myself here, I'm alive, I'm physical, I'm life, when I die the way people are living now won't change, because I haven't changed, no one is changing. 

Each one as equal must change, give themselves new direction, that includes me, that's my responsibility, and only I can give that to myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think within my mind and experience the reality of what is here must change, I'm here and will always as the physical be equal to what is here, so I must change the my utmost best potential in living. 

There's no debate, there's no argument, I'm here, I'm physical, I'm life, I'm equal to all through the same source so what needs to be done here does not end at death, my death is not the death of all of life, just the death of one life, so dying isn't a way out of this situation. 

I commit myself to realize dying is not a way out of this situation, so I should occupy every single painful miserable moment here on earth, to take the most I can within me to then forgive, because that's the best I can do as one and equal as life, no escape no excuse. 

I don't even want to get into the consequences of death or equality or any of it, it doesn't matter, this is my direction, this is what's best for all of life as equal, and I am life so it's just a matter of principle there's nothing to think about. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not occupy myself as life in each breathe as my being expressed as me and not as me expressing my mind because I've allowed myself to give value to my mind instead of the principle of reality as life and equality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm excused because I was born into this body and this reality and I didn't create this situation on earth, as I realize I know nothing, so stop being mindful, and start being here, centered, stable, grounded, occupying my own flesh and blood. 

When and as I see myself occupying my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize myself as able to take everything I need to think about address deal with or whatever here as occupying in living through my beingness able to resolve my problems and conflicts and everything here, thusly, I commit myself to investigate how I can take on everything within my mind and move it into practical living through my beingness through the physical here in each breathe as living the word occupation. 

Being a living breathing principled human being is my occupation here on earth, what I spend my time occupied on, what occupies me and my action, who I am as life as living the word occupied. 

Occupied; the space and actions which I take up within my existence. 

Day 173- Que Sera, Sera

Looking at myself right now, I'm riding my bike with no handle bars, I'm not steering the ship it's steering itself. I'm not directing myself in this moment to think, to have thoughts, to be moved, to have feelings, yet they are all there to the point of experiencing them as if they are my direct decision, I am automatic, my mind is automatic it's playing out a program in all ways.

I'm a program, I commit myself to as long as I live to take back the wheel of life and direct myself on principle as what is best for life, because what is directing me right now and in each moment is not me, and that is unfortunate.

In each breathe I can see all the different avenues I can go within my mind.

I could experience energy moving within me in any way, I could think about anything, have a thought about anything.

I experience myself like, what should I be doing?

This experience pulling at me, tells me something, I've programmed myself that in each breathe I need to be doing something.

What I've been living and realizing lately is that it doesn't matter what I'm doing in my mind as energy as movement, the best thing I can do is to not perpetuate things further, to not create even more complications and programs on top of programs.

But then this has only gotten me so far yet, because, not doing something, when lived through and as the mind, becomes doing something.

I need to be living on principle in each breathe through self forgiveness, taking responsibility for that which I consciencely directly interface with.

The reactions and thoughts that will come up automatically aren't me directly creating or participating, they were designed and predisposition over a long period of time.

Im writing and trying to sort out how I directly interface within my mind.

Not what comes up automatically, but when I directly move myself within my conscience mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being influenced by my mind to directly participate within my mind instead of letting it do its own thing without my direct participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm not complete in each breathe unless I directly participate and create within my mind as energy movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm accomplishing something when I move myself within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the pressure to create and move myself directly within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drawing the line between what is me moving myself directly in my mind and being moved automatically by the things still programmed within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to moving myself within my mind directly as creating more programs and movements within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what is already inherently moving within me as needing me to immediately address.

What can I do with something inherently moving within me, except remain in my breathe and not directly participate, and then take it out in writing and self forgiveness.

Can I do any more than what I've written in self forgiveness and correction statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to influence myself by the desire to be capable of more in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the desire to be able to just stop something completely within myself in a single breathe.

If I can't stop something in a single breathe I won't, if I can I will, unmoved, as self movement on principle.

I commit myself to stop what I can stop unmoved and in a single breathe on principle, and what I can't stop I commit myself to not participate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my desire to be able to stop more within me by trying to stop what's out of my control and making even more movement and misalignment within myself in the process.

I want to stop more, because i want to be at peace in stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop my mind through my mind without really stopping as self movement from the desire of being at peace.

Lately I've been questioning what I'd like peace within myself, and what that really represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to achieve peace within stopping my mind, as I realize I'm not stopping my mind for real, I'm just creating even more within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by how I live peace within myself as comprising me moving myself to really stop something vs me stopping something through suppression as creating more programs to give me a feeling of peace and satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied in stopping my mind for real which takes a long time and a lot of writing but is real and firm and stable and consistent.

When and as I see myself wanting to move myself within my mind to stop that which I'm clearly not capable of stopping, I stop, I breathe, I realize trying to stop what I cannot stop is me wanting to fulfill my desire of peace through suppression as a substitution for actually stopping through self movement and self honesty, thusly, I commit myself to not move myself directly within my mind to create anything, as I realize this is me creating something to stop something else I've created, leading me to a never ending cycling of creation without living or standing for anything within myself.

This to me is very important, because it's like I've realized this entire layer of mind I've created I can shed, I'm ready to shed, I'm capable of shedding this very very surface level, I still need to use it think about certain things but how can I give myself a little extra push in shedding this layer of direct mind participation outside of thinking about certain stuff.

Or also when I'm doing self forgiveness because I require full access to all of mind when doing self forgiveness, other wise I can't get the best picture I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for what is me consciencely participating in my mind or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to identify when I'm directly participating in my mind or not.

It's frightening because like I said it appears almost everything is me just being moved and it's scary that I can't seem to see where I'm directly participating in my mind it all seems automated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I've become where I can't even in a single breathe identify anything that is me directly creating as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret fucking myself up so much that I don't have any sort of control within my mind where I can just stop anything and be here, it's scary that there is nothing in me I can directly stop, it's all self forgiveness, that's the only way I can directly intervene.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself from directly participating within my mind as I realize even me 'directly participating' can easily be me experiencing myself as directly participating when through my suppression I can see I'm not being self honest about what is me directly participating to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that my mind is not my own to direct in each breathe, I'm just conscientiously watching from a distance what I've become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live this commitment of stopping my direct mental participation on all at once before giving myself the chance to become more aware and self honest about when I am directly participating in my mind and when it's automatic.

When and as I see myself suppressing myself from directly moving myself within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can't even tell what is me directly participating and what isn't a full on reaction or program, thusly, I commit myself to let my mind do it's own thing while subsequently allowing myself to go wherever my mind takes me in each breathe so I can learn when I'm moving myself in my mind and when my mind is just unfolding it's own program.

Day 172- Beating Myself Up Over Smoking Cigarettes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up over smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being consistent in if I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn smoking cigarettes into in all or nothing instead of just investigating my relationship to cigarettes in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up in relationship to smoking cigarettes as if I'm attacking myself for being and creating problems in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself instead of just investigating what is really happening beneath the layer of blame and spite that I've put over the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having a negative experience of myself in relationship to smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive experience of myself in relationship to smoking cigarettes.

My mind is going to many other places, I breathe in and breathe out, I focus on the task at hand, I can only handle one thing at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my confusion on cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say within me if I could just stop smoking it would fix all my problems, then I realize going outside having a smoke and doing some writing would be nice and also help me address my problems.

I've never before seen how much guilt and regret and judgement and good and bad and doing the right thing affects me so much, so I channel that into this one point.

I understand see and realize the conflict within myself in relationship to doing what's best from the point of right and wrong and not from moving myself on principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions get in the way of me writing about this point as efficiently as I can.

I'm not trying to accomplish something outside of myself, I'm trying to support myself where I've seen myself struggling and in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overshadow the conflict within me when I say within myself I don't care if it's right or wrong I'd just like a cigarette right now.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to act from the point of caring about if this is good or bad when i say I don't care, as in reality I do care that's why I have to supress myself in saying that I don't care.

So I'm not in the best state of mind to be addressing this specific point at the moment, so I see what can I scavenge here, and then move on.

When and as I see myself going into fear of cigarettes being bad for giving me a bad experience, I stop, I breathe, I realize the bad experience is coming from me not from the cigarette, thusly, I commit myself to not blame cigarettes for causing my problems, but instead breathe be here and in being here as breathe see and identify where the actual problem is coming form within myself as showing myself this is me that in experiencing not the cigarette because I'm not a cigarette I'm myself.

Day 171- Suppression vs. Stopping

Where are all of the points within me?

Why do all points within me seem trivial?

Where is the point/points building my experience of myself?

Why does nothing significant come up within me?

What is the large point in my life that I'm not addressing?

All of my conscienceness has been focused on the one particular energy moving within me.

So I'm not consciencely aware of everything else within myself as movements and points and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the points within me, as I realize they haven't stopped affecting and influencing me, I'm just not aware of when or how they are doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the state of suppression and sedation within myself when I've tried to stop things within me I realize I'm not competent to move myself to stop for real, as I haven't done the self forgiveness required.

Stopping everything is something I've tried to do in breathing, the problem arises that I've not forgiven, I've not opened up and faced how these things came to be then changed my behavior my living who I am.

So what I'm left with, is everything is being stopped, from the point of separation, where if I'm asleep if I'm unaware, the whole world could appear to stop, but in reality if I'm aware of the world around me or not, it remains.

The only way to stop points without really stopping as self movement through forgiveness and correction, is to become unaware of the points all together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on stopping all points within myself without giving myself the proper tools and resources and trying to move myself from my mind to stop, which lead to suppression and sedation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs that I was becoming sedated and suppressed, because my mind was so focused on stopping that I didn't pay attention to the real results I was manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disconnected from how each point within me builds me up, when that is the key to stopping for real so I can take on those points directly for what is see and realize they are.

Just lately in stopping myself from the patterns which lead me to try to stop and control everything, does the real inherit nature of my attempt to stop everything become revealed, in how I've settled for a supplement to stopping everything.

I've become a husk, a husk compared to the person I wanted to be.

In my method of stopping, it meant to never stop, to never slow down in writing and address things for real, just keep holding down the line, keep creating what I validated without evidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my means of stopping without any evidence of it's ability to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself with out considering the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to slow down and investigate to change for real in realizing my mistakes and changing to be irrelevant, because 'I've got the whole picture'

I don't have a fraction of the picture.

I need more of the picture, but it's still ingrained in my head that what I consciencely perceive is all there is to me.

'This is all I am and all I'll ever be'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the misalignment's within me as nuisance's.

It's easy to just want to be an empty husk when a life unmoved by misalignment seems so perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop things from moving within me, without me walking the real process to removing misalignment through forgiveness as understanding how things happened then changing myself and my living as who I am in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop everything within myself because being moved constantly and to end is annoying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself because of acting on annoyance.

I don't want to deal with this, I want it to stop, but I don't want to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that nothing was really stopped I just separated myself even further from who I am and what moves me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what moves me, when it's my responsibility and I should be aware of what moves me, so I can actually face it.

It's hard to dig into he depth of myself when all I have are diluted half baked watered down feelings and experiences.

I need to from within myself start bringing more to the surface.

All this undefined movement so deep so hard to gather any information about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being moved and shaken up and upset as a failure upon myself instead of a gift that I get to see into my nature and can actually address my reality uncensored and unprepared see myself for who I am.

I've got to let go.

The way I've been directing myself is good that it's led me to this moment in time, but it's bad that what I've been accomplishing in each breathe has only been suppression.

I've got to stop stopping.

I've got to just ride things out.

I have to.

I commit myself to gaze into that which I've suppressed, as I realize the only way to stop for real is to face myself to the fullest in self honesty.

Not in further projecting my mind without reason, but realizing, what can be stopped will be stopped by me for real, without substitution.

So in each breathe I breathe, and I don't influence, I take on everything that occurs within it unaltered so I can see the unaltered cut of my creation.

I can already see something else in the distance.

The panic when something comes up within me, how do I direct myself what do I do?

How do I move myself? How do I move forward?

Therein lies the problem, I'm not standing on principle moving myself in self trust.

When and as I see myself trying to stop anything from the point of doing so within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize what will be stopped will be stopped by me on principle as me moving myself unedited unthought unargued undebated, thusly, I commit myself to just pay attention to be aware of what is moving within me in each breathe without editing or processing, but just being here where I can see who and what I am for what it is.

The only way to open myself up from the emptiness I've created, is to realize the emptiness itself is an enslavement I've created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when I don't know how to move myself when something comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize if something comes up within me and I don't act on principle as knowing myself realizing what to do and moving myself accordingly uninhibited than it's just an irrelevant program I've given far too much meaning to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that standing on principle in being moved but not participating myself is too difficult, as I realize this is reflective of the time and programming I've put into trying to direct and move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where the line is between me moving myself directly as my mind and my mind just moving me as it's programmed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving into and moving myself within my mind directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'll mess myself up if I give into my mind and all the energy moving within myself.

I commit myself to let the points open up to let my mind wander as it would, but to realize me myself as not directly giving in, only letting my mind run as it has been programmed to do, the same and equal to my self forgiveness and correction, which is lived and moved by me as I'm programmed to do.

When and as I see myself in the moment of i want to move myself within my mind, o stop, I breathe, I realize what will be moved will be moved as it's been programmed, thusly I commit myself to not speed up or slow down that process by remaining physically here unmoved unaltered as the programming of the physical, as I realize the temptation to alter and inhibit the mind without real change through self forgiveness will make things worse, as I've now realized in how I've suppressed myself in trying to stop myself without real change.