Day 177- Self Expression as Direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable within myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to let energy move me as feeling quezy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not release my quiziness within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress whatever it is making me quezy.

I'm quezy because I'm not giving myself direction, I'm just falling back on old programs and giving myself no new meaning or purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to having no direction with being quezy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving myself direction within myself because I'm obsessed over just being unmoved in my mind, but not realizing myself as moving myself as standing equal to self movement as self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving myself something to do within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself activities and things to do within myself because I've defined myself as being unable to do anything here within myself outside of my mind as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work on defining who I am as the physical as one and equal in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as undefinable which is ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself of who I am here, where I fear not being able to distinguish when I'm here aware creating and expressing myself vs when I'm just creating experiences within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take what is me being moved within my mind and me moving myself and expressing myself as who I am here as my body.

If I'm not taking the question of what is my mind and what is me expressing myself here to the physical as oneness and equality then I've got a personal egocentric interest in manifesting a certain answer within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide a secret personal reason for not taking the question of what is my mind and what is me expressing myself here into the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my answer to my question above just taking it back to myself and realizing the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into creating an answer for what is the mind and what is me expressing myself here because I want to not risk being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about what is me expressing my mind vs me expressing myself because I desire to express myself here in living, but I fear how dense my self expression has become.

When and as I see myself fearing expressing myself as giving myself things to do here as an expression of myself as the physical, I stop, I breathe, I realize to discover what is the mind and what is me expressing myself here I have to take it back to myself here as oneness and equality, thusly, I commit myself to bring the question of what is me expressing myself vs me expressing my mind look like and exist as here in each breathe.

...

Letting things occur naturally,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aggressively assert dominance over my own nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enforcing my mind and conscience personality over my nature as what occurs most naturally as being giving me power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek power in overthrowing my own nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dominate what comes naturally to me because society is totally against nature, so to be strong in society you have to overthrow your natural state of being and create a new one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my most basic nature and self movement when I've tried to create and express myself from a conscience standpoint which appears to be flawed in that it's rooted in separation as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in seeking for survival and adaptation within my mind as consciences fail to consider how I can move myself here in the most natural way possible, as expressing myself here as the physical in the most natural and simplest way possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being simple here in my living, as I realize I don't have to be defined by just one word within my living, but what if I was, or did want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge living and moving myself as the word simple to be not a sufficient form of self expression.

Which explains why my mind is so crazy and all over the place, I'd rather be nuts then to just be bland, simple, and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what comes naturally within my self expression as being bland, simple, and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose a character that does not represent what comes most naturally to me, because instead of facing my relationship and potentially changing in standing equal to being bland, boring, and I went into fear and try to become something far more complicated which I have done to my own regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lame back in elementary school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my lifes direction all about being accepted by others instead of just accepting myself and then moving onward to create myself, because you can't please all the people all the time, and why please anyone at all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life as void and depressing if I didn't have companionship, and the way to have companionship to not be naturally boring, bland, and simple which is how I see myself before trying to become a character to be liked and adored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pressure of living and being stuck with people around me influence my decision making by making me settle for, I have to be around all these people, I need to find a place to settle into, a group, a personality, a way of navigating a hostile world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I created the hostility I experienced, and I agreed within and as myself to fight against my nature, to become stronger, because my nature wasn't enough to deal with all the people all around me on a daily basis back in school/specifically starting in elementary school.

Looking back I wish I hadn't folded, and tried to pull stunts to be someone I didn't care for, just to give me leverage over others, it was a flawed sloppy orchestra with a lot of consequences, having built up a character to entertain others, instead of just being myself as what came most naturally, not right or wrong, but better in being closer to who I am here as what supports me and I can best express in my living as the physical. I can only handle being a goofball for so long, it inst' what comes naturally for me, it's forced and comes from a personal agenda of stability, to create stable relationships to support myself by becoming the character I thought others would like to see.

It makes me cringe in how just thinking about a few memories back in elementary school, which really to me doesn't even feel like that long ago, just 10 years, but in seeing how I was already so influenced and so scared and so much happening with me and nowhere to turn to, I realize I could have turned to myself, I could have been stronger, but my fear seemed so real to this day, my fear still seems like I could reach out and touch it, like it should never be questioned.

It's weird how in placing myself back 10 years ago, I can see much of myself that hasn't changed, that I'm still living to this day even though I'm twice the age I was and twice the height, school and growing up was such a major formulating time for me, and what choice did I have trapped with all these people around me, even though I feel like I'd preferred to probably kept mostly to myself you simply can't at school, there's people everywhere. So now I have a personality of resentfully trying to appeal to others even though I don't want to have to deal with others.

When and as I see myself not living and breathing naturally in each breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize I created programs on top of what came naturally to me out of reaction and blame towards my environment, thusly, I commit myself to stand as one and equal to my environment as facing what is around me one and equal where I then do not feel or act upon creating and programming more and more within myself always seeking to gain ground over my opposition as the world around me, where i can then just realize myself one and equal to the world around me and move myself accordingly.