Looking at myself right now, I'm riding my bike with no handle bars, I'm not steering the ship it's steering itself. I'm not directing myself in this moment to think, to have thoughts, to be moved, to have feelings, yet they are all there to the point of experiencing them as if they are my direct decision, I am automatic, my mind is automatic it's playing out a program in all ways.
I'm a program, I commit myself to as long as I live to take back the wheel of life and direct myself on principle as what is best for life, because what is directing me right now and in each moment is not me, and that is unfortunate.
In each breathe I can see all the different avenues I can go within my mind.
I could experience energy moving within me in any way, I could think about anything, have a thought about anything.
I experience myself like, what should I be doing?
This experience pulling at me, tells me something, I've programmed myself that in each breathe I need to be doing something.
What I've been living and realizing lately is that it doesn't matter what I'm doing in my mind as energy as movement, the best thing I can do is to not perpetuate things further, to not create even more complications and programs on top of programs.
But then this has only gotten me so far yet, because, not doing something, when lived through and as the mind, becomes doing something.
I need to be living on principle in each breathe through self forgiveness, taking responsibility for that which I consciencely directly interface with.
The reactions and thoughts that will come up automatically aren't me directly creating or participating, they were designed and predisposition over a long period of time.
Im writing and trying to sort out how I directly interface within my mind.
Not what comes up automatically, but when I directly move myself within my conscience mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being influenced by my mind to directly participate within my mind instead of letting it do its own thing without my direct participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm not complete in each breathe unless I directly participate and create within my mind as energy movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm accomplishing something when I move myself within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the pressure to create and move myself directly within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drawing the line between what is me moving myself directly in my mind and being moved automatically by the things still programmed within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to moving myself within my mind directly as creating more programs and movements within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what is already inherently moving within me as needing me to immediately address.
What can I do with something inherently moving within me, except remain in my breathe and not directly participate, and then take it out in writing and self forgiveness.
Can I do any more than what I've written in self forgiveness and correction statements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to influence myself by the desire to be capable of more in each breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the desire to be able to just stop something completely within myself in a single breathe.
If I can't stop something in a single breathe I won't, if I can I will, unmoved, as self movement on principle.
I commit myself to stop what I can stop unmoved and in a single breathe on principle, and what I can't stop I commit myself to not participate with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my desire to be able to stop more within me by trying to stop what's out of my control and making even more movement and misalignment within myself in the process.
I want to stop more, because i want to be at peace in stopping my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop my mind through my mind without really stopping as self movement from the desire of being at peace.
Lately I've been questioning what I'd like peace within myself, and what that really represents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to achieve peace within stopping my mind, as I realize I'm not stopping my mind for real, I'm just creating even more within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by how I live peace within myself as comprising me moving myself to really stop something vs me stopping something through suppression as creating more programs to give me a feeling of peace and satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied in stopping my mind for real which takes a long time and a lot of writing but is real and firm and stable and consistent.
When and as I see myself wanting to move myself within my mind to stop that which I'm clearly not capable of stopping, I stop, I breathe, I realize trying to stop what I cannot stop is me wanting to fulfill my desire of peace through suppression as a substitution for actually stopping through self movement and self honesty, thusly, I commit myself to not move myself directly within my mind to create anything, as I realize this is me creating something to stop something else I've created, leading me to a never ending cycling of creation without living or standing for anything within myself.
This to me is very important, because it's like I've realized this entire layer of mind I've created I can shed, I'm ready to shed, I'm capable of shedding this very very surface level, I still need to use it think about certain things but how can I give myself a little extra push in shedding this layer of direct mind participation outside of thinking about certain stuff.
Or also when I'm doing self forgiveness because I require full access to all of mind when doing self forgiveness, other wise I can't get the best picture I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for what is me consciencely participating in my mind or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to identify when I'm directly participating in my mind or not.
It's frightening because like I said it appears almost everything is me just being moved and it's scary that I can't seem to see where I'm directly participating in my mind it all seems automated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I've become where I can't even in a single breathe identify anything that is me directly creating as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret fucking myself up so much that I don't have any sort of control within my mind where I can just stop anything and be here, it's scary that there is nothing in me I can directly stop, it's all self forgiveness, that's the only way I can directly intervene.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself from directly participating within my mind as I realize even me 'directly participating' can easily be me experiencing myself as directly participating when through my suppression I can see I'm not being self honest about what is me directly participating to begin with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that my mind is not my own to direct in each breathe, I'm just conscientiously watching from a distance what I've become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live this commitment of stopping my direct mental participation on all at once before giving myself the chance to become more aware and self honest about when I am directly participating in my mind and when it's automatic.
When and as I see myself suppressing myself from directly moving myself within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can't even tell what is me directly participating and what isn't a full on reaction or program, thusly, I commit myself to let my mind do it's own thing while subsequently allowing myself to go wherever my mind takes me in each breathe so I can learn when I'm moving myself in my mind and when my mind is just unfolding it's own program.
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