Day 376- could I have done better?

 Looking back at everything in my life a part of me wants to 'belive' that I did everything exactly how I was supposed to and I'm exactly where I am 'mesnt' to be.

But at the same time in my head I can also imagine infinite ways I could have gotten to where I am so much more effectively and with so much more honor and integrity and efficiency.

I want to belive I'm perfect even when I'm fucking up, I want to belive I'm following some plan, but the plan has just been in my mind, couldn't I have actually forgiven myself and changed the plan of my life to be so much better?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the plan of my mind without question. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my mind the power of God over me where I follow my mind as if my mind is God and I must obey and am obliged to follow every command it dictates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I've simply been chasing and following my mind wanting to belive I am following some higher order which is no different then the belief in God calling sll the shots and having a greater plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that the ends justify the means that even when I'm abusing manipulating being evil that somehow I'm always right because I always follow my mind and my mind is my God having totally power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to follow my mind all the way to death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obideant and subservient to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself as what is best as I see it and realize it in each moment instead of justifying anything I do as best because my mind decrees it as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself myself my mind has a plan the same way people are convinced that God has a plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the evil truth of who I am within belief systems I unconsciously have been living.