Day 399- Rivalry

 When I see others in a certain state of their process, of their business, of their success, of their wealth and I experience a reaction that there is no way to match this person, no way to defeat this person, and in that I feel I have been defeated. 

I experience than why try? I've already lost. This has lead me to cheat, to try to skirt the rules, to try to make my own rules, to deny, go into total baffling denial of what is. 

It's all ego obviously, if I see another succeeding in their process, in their business, in anything that I see would be beneficial for me in my life, business, process, success, ect, than I should strive to rival them, not as a war, not as an enemy, not as my ego selfish desire to be the best, to be far and beyond anyone else. 

rival

ˈrī-vəl

NOUN

1. one of two or more striving to reach or obtain something that only one can possess
   one striving for competitive advantage
2. companion, associate
3. equal, peer

ADJECTIVE

having the same pretensions or claims : competing

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rival others out of hatred and spite and jealously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rival others to support myself to give myself a challenge to give myself a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unhealthy emotional rivalries where I am emotional and upset that I see someone else as having accomplished something that I am certain I cannot match nor better in my lifetime. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create enemies out of all other human beings in my ego wanting to be the best and yet certain it is too late to be 'the best', and that I must simply resign to being 'my best'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a nasty person who only cares about victory and ego and me winning above all others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not guide myself and create myself into a person who competes in a healthy nature in a supportive nature the kind of competition that will be relevant and supportive even in an equal money system. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I have judged another as better than me and have certainly limited myself to that box of judgement where I see no path forward to being better than another, that's just the stupidest thing I can do to so harshly so cruelly judge myself and others as life to be the ultimate most evil judge in existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the most selfish evil judge to ever exist to judge so harshly and so intensely that I have spiraled my own life out of control over and over in reaction to the very judgements that I made and I decided and I governed in myself and my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw out actual living principles entirely, where if the goal is to win and I have already lost what is left to be done of my life and my self than to waste away until death, that's abuse. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others through my desire for power and control and greatness of which I cannot even site exactly where or when or how this came to be within me I just accept it and on some level want it, and on some level see how problematic it would be if I did have a massive amount of influence or money or power in the world due to this nature that is very clear within me I can see. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not strive to be my best, instead of being the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider striving to be the best is ego and not realistic or attainable and is what causes countries to go to war and causes all that is been created on earth and in existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that to strive to be my best is the complete opposite of striving to be the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I cannot be the best and be my best, I can only choose one, and they are completely opposite and only one is actually living the principles and makes sense and is feasible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do the things that I see I must do given to me by example through every person I have met and been exposed to through process, not to claim their work and their intentions for my own self interest, but to stand together, and even to rival, to redefine what it is to be a rival. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rival by hatred and anger and nastiness instead of by unconditional support a goal to be one's best self using other self's as reference a challenge that will go on for eternity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use those who have came before me as support to drive me and motivate me and give me direction and purpose. 

...

When and as I see myself going into a reaction as a state of competition where I see someone else as having defeated me, as having accomplished more and better than I can feasibly accomplish, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is very core and central to all of my failings in my process, and is something that will rot away at me for the rest of my life, ensuring my demise, as a cancer I am willing and happily creating to destroy myself with out of total resentment and self hatred due to my own decision and my own judgement of who holds power and value in life, process, business, success, ect, 

Thus, I commit myself to redefine how I live the word rival from emotional to unconditional support.

I commit myself to take on the challenge of how I can improve and be better of which I see in another person, not out of ego self interest but as to support me and them equals to refine ourselves and walk in an agreement of bettering ourselves to be our best strongest self. 

I commit myself to strive to do the impossible of matching and equaling others in their process, in their business, in their living success not out of ego to defeat and to conquer, but out of principle, out of agreement, out of purpose. 

Day 398- Hearthstone: Rouge bounce deck

 I made some great movements for myself today, but did not completely follow through on stopping playing my game. 

I want to get into the specifics of the actual game mechanics from the specific/only class/deck that I play in the card game. 

The nature of the deck is to 'bounce' certain cards back to your hand off of the playing field. The cards do certain affects when they are played from your hand onto the board, so by bouncing the card off the playing field and back into your hand you can net the reward of playing the card multiple times. 

I think the word reward is key. 

It is very stimulating, I think it's just again distracting me from what's important and relevant that I could be putting constant time and effort into, but it is simply very effective at doing it because there are cool mechanics that have you planning your strategy and the cards are very colorful and have well designed affects when they are played or interacted with on the playing board (on the phone or computer)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to play against other players in the game and see all the color cards and affects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sunk back into the game when new cards are released and the nature of the game play changes with new cards that do new things. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this seriously as I would a drug addiction where I am putting time and money into something that is not necessarily serving me to get a certain feeling in reward no different than using a drug. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than and diminished when I do not get the feeling reaction that is generated for me when I see all the cards playing back and forth on the battlefield of the video game. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with cards on a battlefield fighting someone else for my own entertainment and amusement when other people right now in the real world are fighting with guns and killing each other and I am not being a change on my own end when I am playing pretend war with card games while real war persist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see the fun cards playing out on the card game battle field when in my real life each day I can be accumulating and creating something to generate me money and value for myself to actually elevate myself for real as a human instead of being elevated as energy feeling enlightened when I am winning at my video game. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the card breakdance in my head, where the nature of the card is based on the theme of the new expansion and is of a character dancing and so generates the same stimulus in me of fun and dancing and playing and excitement and rhythm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bounce the card that consumes the enemy cards and eats their stats back to my hand because I have a good feeling when I consume big stats of my enemies destroying their cards and generating a large creature on my board after having consumed their cards. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bounce Astalor back to my hand which is the main winning condition of the deck because this card can deal a lot of damage to the enemy and by bouncing it and replaying it multiple times I can defeat the enemy through attrition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to create something meaningful and significant in my life instead of just being an employee going to work and desiring to get out and play video games without any greater purpose or sense of creating anything substantial over time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to sacrifice this thing that I gain pleasure and enjoyment from to create something of greater pleasure and greater enjoyment as my real life and real legacy and creation in the real world beyond the limited digital world of a small online card game. 

When and as I see myself desiring to see the fun colorful cards playing on the game board, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can and must create something fun and worthwhile in my own life or else in the end all fun and color and enjoyment will end as it was not real and not substantiated beyond a little online card game that isn't a fraction of the greater whole of reality, thus, I commit myself to try again to quit playing Hearthstone, and to seal the deal where I won't let a new expansion of new colorful toys distract me when the next expansion for the game is released. 

Day 397- Festival of Legends

 Festival of Legends is the name of the new Hearthstone card game expansion that came out recently. 

The timing of the release of the new expansion along with a multitude of other factors lead me to playing this new expansion for the card game fairly extensively recently. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start playing video games again in blame of external factors in my life that are out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the timing of the expansion dropping right around the time of something that I had anticipated in my life to move which I could not directly control. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty knowing that I could be working towards something instead of keeping myself distracted with video games while I am waiting on something I am hopeful about to work out for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with video games because I do not want to take on the new responsibilities that are coming up in my life and want to go back to that state of suppression and denial that has not been fully eradicated from me yet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game because in my card game I can win and there is a definite winner and loser and I can try to defeat someone else and strive for this sense of accomplishment without all the intensity and actual ramifications of real physical living decisions that affect my life and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that playing a card game when I have tons of mounting responsibilities I am ignoring does not stop time and prevent reality from moving it simply distracts me from having any sense or being able to relate that for every moment I waste playing card games to have fun and energetically engage with others in a game the real game of life is still moving forward without me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to play my card game because I do not have to actually put anything for real on the line as I do with real life where there is real risks and real mistakes and the players are other real people and animals and existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not play in my real life and play with my own business and job and relationships and whatever else I am creating or building in my physical reality. 

When and as I see myself desiring to play with the new cards from the new expansion for my card game on my computer/phone, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am avoiding the real life game and the real life stakes at hand while I am waiting around for the piece to work in my favor, which just like my video game isn't how reality works, thus, I commit myself to play the real game of life where my goal of the game is to be my best and create what's best as being my best self as much as feasibly possible everyday. 

I commit myself to have fun at whatever I am required to do any day just like a game. 

I commit myself to take charge in my life just like in my card game where if you don't play your cards your opponent will win and you will certainly lose. 

I commit myself to challenge others and myself the way I would in my game. 

I commit myself to acquire as many point as possible by walking my process as effectively as I can each day and doing my best with my life and the things I am participating in and creating each day. 

I commit myself to stop playing video games and start playing the game of real life. 

I commit myself to stop watching videos about my video game, where I wouldn't even know or be aware of the new expansion except for seeing people playing it on videos being advertised to me through YouTube. 

Day 396- feeling weak

 I feel weak. 

Some how it's something that is very hard to admit. Like, I could see myself going to absolutely any length to hide and prevent myself and anyone else from seeing me as weak. 

I see in this moment to build myself up, to create myself, to give myself value, to truly be strong on a deep core level, not just muscle strength to lift heavy weights, but the strength of integrity, I can see it will take time and in this moment I feel vulnerable, that I can see and another might see too that I am not living the strength that I wish to live. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable due to feeling weak, that I won't get what I want in life, and won't be able to create the life that I want because I will reflect what is inside of me and inside of me I see weakness not worth great things and great creation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become weak by creating myself through feelings instead of through actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the consequences of me living out weakness might be for myself and for others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I could become strong in an instant that 'I know what strength is now so I deserve it now'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to turn an eye of myself and others as equal to not see me in this moment where I see of myself weakness not able to be and create and express on the level of which I want and would prefer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become weak by trying to realize and live and attain strength through force. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this feeling of weakness define me and distract me where I may feel weak, but on some level I know who I am is more than this feeling in a moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within this moment of feeling weak instead of being honest with myself about how I can use this moment of feeling weak to stand for myself as creation in the flesh where my feeling of being weak and strong are both limiting my real ability to create myself physically. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel too weak to face the challenges of whatever may come for me in my life. 

When and as I see myself feeling weak, I stop, I breathe, I realize that a feeling does not denote my real strength, thus, I commit myself to move myself to live what I realize is strength in the flesh. 

I commit myself to sit up and correct my posture to create strength. 

I commit myself to exercise and move my body to create strength. 

I commit myself to challenge myself to speak with others and support myself and others by cross referencing and sharing with them to build strength. 

I commit myself to increase my income that I make each year to build up my strength. 

I commit myself to stop drinking coffee to build up my strength and focus on creating strength through the real food I eat and consume apposed to coffee which I do not drink to nourish my body but drink to force myself into motion and action instead of creating it for myself organically. 

Day 395- Take the next step

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess in my mind over those I am jealous of and envious of instead of taking the next step that is indicated by such enby and jealously, as the next step to align myself and stand equal to those I am in separation of. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time playing around serving no meaning or not purpose through video games, internet, any form of wasteful time management instead of taking the next step as the next direct physical action I need to do and realize is best. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of my life with so much that needs to be done and so much moving inside of me as so to control and manipulate and create such resistance to taking my next step of physical chore, duty, activity that I might simply give up, take a nap, do something distracting, find a less effective way to spend my time to resign myself from service. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my entire life as being an endless series of next steps that much be taken which I must plan out even beyond the estimated time I am likely to live into over a hundred years old still giving myself a next step and a next means of serving and being of service. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about what the next step is, where there can be many pitfalls where I might consider something productive, yet on some level I know that I could be doing something more meaningful or more valuable and I must have brutal self honestly to admit this and recognize that not all task that require discipline and work and effort are all of the same value or purpose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise too much, where just as I can exercise too little, I can also have too much fun playing basketball per say where I might spend more time than is needed due to being intoxicated by the thrill of playing ball, and yet basketball serves a purpose that I should not abuse by playing for too long then my needed and allotted time for exercise. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the next steps in building my business where I must again be in a state of total self honesty to recognize when to step back and when to step forward, when to study the craft and trade, and when it is time to take action and stop procrastinating on the actual work that must be done for any real success to be achieved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I am describing as becoming the beast and the soldier and the robot designed only for absolute efficiently and merciless effectiveness as being too much to take on and not fair to me still defending my freedom to be lazy and ineffective and not honest about what is really at stake here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate anything else from me than to be unstoppable, always moving myself to take the next step, always pushing my limits, always challenging what is possible, always calmly smoothly and steadily moving forward to take the next physical action that will lead to the creation of my ultimate goal of myself and the world as what is best as a perfect system of self and a perfect system of the external world as a reflection of that same perfected self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as an example of greatness of what can be achieved when I am standing, when I am relentless, when I am a beast of the physical present here still and breathing acting in certainty in self trust, creating something that will stand for generations to come. 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and tight in my chest feeling that the next step is too hard that I cannot take another step towards my goal, to move myself to another physical action that will challenge me and shape who I am, I stop, I breathe, I realize that as long as I am still alive and breathing this is who I am and what will be done one way or another, thus, I commit myself to make my life and everyone's life easier by without a moment of doubt or hesitation to move myself to the next physical action that is required of me. 

I commit myself to lay down to sleep when it is scheduled and when it is required of me. 

I commit myself to manage my time more effectively between a agreement to do such between me and my partner wife. 

I commit myself to make no excuses for myself where I can see my time being managed more effectively to accomplish more in a day, and to plan my time out in the longest term as well as the shortest term possible. 

I commit myself to get organized to create an environment where my ability to function and create can prosper. 

I commit myself to read and study not just the Desteni materials but also the words of those who have come before or even alive still who have taken the time to make a record of their own process and journey through life. 

I commit myself to equalize myself with those I am jealous or envious of through taking such separation and limitation I have created as a challenge that I am not just trying to stop myself from reacting towards another but I am trying to take on the same words I see in another onto myself and into my own living and application. 

I commit myself to be the monster that I would like to see in the world, something that is endlessly and relentlessly on a mission that without certainty cannot be achieved in it's own lifetime. 

I commit myself to be the monster that will do anything to achieve my goal of creating the best system and world and self possible despite knowing that to change this whole world in my lifetime is beyond unlikely and so going into battle knowing that failure is certain, that I can only leave a trail and set a foundation for those to come, to be the set of shoulders that the children of the future might stand upon together creating timelessness. 

Day 394- energy abuse/manipulation

 The issue with things that a person experiences internally is that to convey or share or reference with another is not as simple and direct as referring to something that is external that can be physically seen and touched and verified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mess of myself internally through energy manipulation because my internal can only be seen by me as far as I am aware for the most part and so only I can decide if what I am experiencing is valid. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process almost entirely by my internal so that I could decide for myself how things are going and how great I am doing without anyone challenging it so long as I don't even try to cross reference with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my process by energy manipulation to keep myself distracted and not actually having to face the real challenges of living and cooperating and creating together in the physical world with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that although I see how I have screwed myself with energy and limited my ability to function for real in process in the flesh in the actual living of the world that I still have to face my internal manifestation every day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated how I am haunted by the consequences of my mind energy manipulation wanting to be selfish in creating my own private world of energy to feel powerful and pretend to be more than I am really living in the physical as a guru without even knowing it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an energy guru manipulating and screwing around with energy in my mind despite the clear disconnect and discomfort that could be traced back to my body totally ignoring my body and leaving myself not in the best health or shape due to being more concerned with power of the mind and energy than actual integral strength and power in the flesh. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had created something special that is beyond words in my mind as energy just as a guru or spiritualist where I simply placed the word process onto my creation to magically defined it from being completely wrong and delusional and missing the entire point of what the Desteni principles and materials clearly let on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own special process for myself to apparently protect me from the conflict and friction of facing others and participating for real in process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear holding my own walking equal with others in process and so creating my fantasy land of energy where I could hide and justify where eventually the consequences simply created more things that I could no longer hide or justify in terms of problems in myself and in relation to reality that could not be ignored or denied ay longer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with what I have been creating with energy as being total abuse of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically abuse myself creating separation creating limitation creating delusion creating excuses and creating a giant point of ego to hide from actually taking things serious and seeing things all the way through. 

The internal energy and movement and bullshit I have accumulated that I can see and experience in each moment is not pleasant, but I can still live and breathe and am in good enough health to challenge myself to get as physical and serious and engaged with process and reality as much as I can each and everyday. 

When and as I see myself feeling helpless in relationship to the internal energy abuse I have created and experience each moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am walking through and seeing the actuality of what I have created as energy bullshit, as the actual negative that I have suppressed in search of the positive which I labeled and justified as process as my own special process, thus, 

I commit myself to walk process as I see it is done more effective and most real. 

I commit myself to not tolerate from myself or another any form of special unique process where there is just energy mind bullshit being manipulated and nothing actually happening in the world or in the flesh.

I commit myself to cross reference and to share where I can be challenged and held accountable.

I commit myself to read the material and study what has been written and spoke by those before me. 

I commit myself to engage with the real physical world and recognize the physical reality around me in my immediate environment and the world at large as equal to me as another part of me that I am walking out as one and equal. 

I commit myself to breathe and direct the energy abuse accumulated in me which I experience in each moment until it is brought to a point of stopping and stillness and clarity where I can in self honesty say that I am clear and still and not in a state of energy fluctuation of my mind which I am somehow deceiving myself into believing is my special process that makes me better than others when it is actually the opposite. 

Day 393- Process to me

 This is how I understand process. For me.

I use the tools of process, some are everyday things, and some are on a different regularity. 

SF, reading the blogs, exercise, as well using TT are daily things.

Cross referencing with others, doing pitches and sales for TT can be a more so thing done on intervals not always something you can reliably do everyday per say. 

These are the things that are the best things I can do to support me to be my best self. 

I want to be my best self because that is what's best for me, so that's just redundant. 

Therefore process is to become my best self, by making the best decision to do the best things each day, as well as other things that are more so long term not necessarily daily, because that's what best for me and everyone so is just obvious. 

So free choice is bullshit self interest because there is no choice if you see what is best and chose not to do it that's not a choice just fucking yourself and others and making life worse for everyone. 

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish by living out free choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that in any moment I can see and realize what is best for all parties involved on earth and can move myself to do the thing that is best such as me walking my process each day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil by believing and acting on apparent free choice. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I have the freedom to chose anything other than the best thing for myself and all others and chose that thing then I am fucked up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having free choice because I am evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the choice to abuse life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value choice over caring for the life that has been given to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how judgement can only exist where freedom of choice exist where if each individual is acting on what they see as best and each is living that way than there is no point to judge in anyone because all are living and expressing in total perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a mindless slave robot if I give up my free choice where the opposite has actually proven to be true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set myself free by giving up my ability to chose anything than what I see as best and acting on it every day developing what I understand to be best and defining it more and more clearly every day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my life more fun by giving myself the best life which would inherintly be the most fun life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for abusing life by giving myself free choice. 

When and as I see myself fearing to give up free choice, I stop, I breathe, I realize that nothing but evil, selfishness, and spite towards life has been created by free choice, so there is no reason to believe that free choice is valid or real or justifiable, thus, I commit myself to in each moment do what I see is best for all of life as one and equal... 

I commit myself to walk my process each day because I see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to support my partner and our baby to walk their process each day because I see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to support others to begin their process because I can see how that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to not waste time playing video games or watching televistion or youtube shows that are just for entertainment for myself when I am bored because I see that's not what is best for all life. 

I commit myself to stop what I am doing to support another when they are in need of support in a moment because I see that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to not tolerate me being a work slave working everyday without creating Oppurtunites for me to grow a business that can alleviate that pain and suffering and taking up all my time because I can see how being too lazy to grow a business such as Techno Tutor is not best for all life, where creating a business like Techno Tutor is best for all life. 

ect...

That was a very easy summary of what process is, and is very easy to understand and comprehend. 

I realize how much I have made process very complicated and confusing by making it all just mental bullshit.

When I can just physically lay it all out here it is so simple, and yet I still could go into hours and hours of more specific detail if needed.