Day 106- Over Encumbered

In the video game Skyrim, there's an inventory system, where you can carry 50 times your own weight and mass in different items, all of which are existing within the neither of your 'pockets'.

You can run, jump, and perform all tasks normally until you hit a certain weight limit.

There's no gradually getting slower, you just go 1 pound over your tolerance limit and you hit a dead stop in how fast you can move and navigate the game world.

This is how I feel when the line I have drawn for how much I'm willing to deal with in my world just barely goes over the line, I totally shut down.

I can see how I appear to be in control of the situation, and everything that is out of whack within me only requires some basic address, yet I allow this time to be the last time, the final straw that broke the camels back.

It's easier to just call it quits, but it's actually harder on me, when I stop breathing and focusing and directing myself within the quantity I'm capable of, It's like I take on even more weight by just giving up when faced with too much within me for one day.

So, what do you do when you're over encumbered in skyrim?

I would maximize weight vs value, so gems being the highest value vs there small weight means they'd be the most important thing to keep, and something like an iron or leather armor would be the weakest of armors in the game and thus the least value per their weight.

Next what do you do?

You finish whatever quest or adventure you're on and go to the vendor and sell all your stuff for gold.

This applies a lot to me feeling over loaded/ over encumbered, where I say this thing just broke by back I cannot function any longer, and I can address this in both redefining how much I can take on within my world, or managing the value vs reality of whatever it is I'm dealing with, where I can cross reference with how things seem to be in reality vs how I've made things out to be in my mind, and let go accordingly until I'm in a place where I can better function, and then once I have an opportunity to do so, write out the point.

I'm upset over things which I can see based on reality, and how reality seems to be existing to the best of my ability to assess, including all of my reference points from logic, intuity, gut feeling, how things usually happen, how I predict things to be happening, how things relate to me creating my own reality in self honesty, looking from all the different possible ways I can, everything seems absolutely fine, so why do I still allow things to get spun out of proportion, because they could be as bad as I imagine in theory.

So because this could theoretically be a bad or dangerous situation, that's where I draw the line.

I think about how I've been into conspiracy theorists, with reptilians, aliens, wolf men, flat earth, hollow earth, dome earth, government corruption, and how all it took was the right person saying things just the right way, and I was living in completely different reality.

It's like I want to believe things are as I imagine them to be, the reality of things becomes harder to face, when really it should be easier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in my imagination of what is occurring in reality when I think about what is going on in my world, as preimpose images onto what is here, and thus see a made up world outside of myself given more value than what I can tell is happening based on my more effective abilities of analyzing my reality, like my breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create reality out to be something more extreme or crazy than it really is, as a scapegoat to let my mind run rampant, as a way to give up when things get too hard. When the going get's tough.

So I could be doing really well for myself if I just faced reality one breathe at a time, what about giving up, and giving in to illusion is so appealing.

The very idea of just being able to give up is an illusion, like my life is Skyrim, and I can just turn the game off, and just give up on it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the illusion of being able to give up when things get too hard for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the illusion that I can just give up at any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can give up when things get too overwhelming, because that would be better than having to go on living what reality has come to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define giving into the illusion as better than facing reality when giving into the illusion only makes things worse.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I give up on myself, I allow things to become worse for myself, as I allow myself to become so shocked and overwhelmed that I am thrust into action from the deepest instinctual part of myself.

The adrenaline rush when you snap, when you've had enough, that's what giving up is.

It's just like the driving off a cliff metaphor, I'm too tired to stop myself from driving off this cliff, so some kind of fear, or anxiety, or illusion better jolt me into action.

Giving up is like saying I need to be jolted back into reality, I need to see something so shocking that I'm willing to do what is required of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be shocked and shaken to wake up to my reality, when I could simply direct myself to see what is occurring, and what needs to be done in single breathe, and move myself infinity.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself desiring or giving into 'giving up', as I realize giving up as being me needing to be shocked throughout my system to be reasserted into reality, as I realize myself as being able to make things easier on me by not requiring to be shocked and traumatized to simply see what needs to be done in a single breathe, and act as myself, as life.

Day 105- Warriors Part 2

I got to one of the big pinnacle parts of my book that I remembered from reading when I was younger.

The main cat is offered to leave his life as a house cat and join the warrior cat clan called ThunderClan.

So, Rusty the 'KittyPet' has to say goodbye to his closest friend from one of the other 'twoleg' houses, and it was still really sad, but not as big of an interval within the story as I remembered it, but Smudge the friend, does return later on in the book, in another sad scene where Smudge cannot recognize Rusty from how much he has changed since being a warrior wild cat.

This scene made me remember how I used to experience emotion with less judgement, I was more able to experience emotion such as sadness of  Rusty giving up his life of complacency to become a feral cat, yet also losing his owners, and his closest friend in the process.

I think about how I'm less emotional now, but in a way, I'm just as emotional as ever, simply not in touch with my emotions, more numb to that kind of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate becoming numb to feelings and emotions as having come to terms or decided where I stand.

I have changed where I stand within emotion, where I was more saddened by reading about Rusty losing his closest friend and having to say goodbye when I was in elementary school, then I was to my father's death 2 years ago.

I think about the words growing up, you grow out of your emotions and feelings, yet that isn't true they just change, systematically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the shedding of emotions and feelings as you get older as being a part of growing up, when I can now see how this is a defensive mechanism, to blend in within the system, without revealing your inner colors/flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define emotions and feelings as being my true expression, as if in growing up I have lost myself, when this also isn't true, and I know myself now in better ways, as well as having developed worse habits and behaviors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having lost a part of myself in becoming numb to my experience of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cling onto how I experience things more lively in the past, where I can see that there was a reason that my sensation of emotions and feelings feel away, where I was overstimulated and over my head drowning in emotional and feelings.

I'm able to make decisions and act with more clarity, but now that I have been forced to change because of my relationship to emotions and feelings, I am left living with the development misalignment of suppression.

Not depression, I don't get depressed, I have fun, and express myself constantly.

I'm not carrying depression from my growing up, I'm carrying the same emotions and feelings I ever was, but separated from there source even further. I pushed away what was me pushing away who I was.

I suppressed my suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress how I feel, when this is out of judgement and not me acting on discipline, principle, or understanding of myself as a creator.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having failed as a creator, when I create every single moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through judgement of having failed as a creator because I could not max out my desire for fantasy any further, and had to slowly swallow my pride and let go of certain illusions, yet I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let go without actually letting go through self forgiveness where I swallowed my pride yet never digested it, never regurgitated it, never let it lose it's form and be reinvented, as pride in space and time and fantasy, lived for real, in a good way, in a loving way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself through the shock of emotion and feeling addiction, where I have never really changed who I am and where u stand as emotions and feelings, and am left living the life of someone who cannot control there own destiny, because they are forced to repeat the last until not changed but resolved for real.

It was sad to see Rusty saying goodbye to Smudge, it was hard to let go of there relationship, yet it was exciting to see Rusty embracing his dream of being a wild cat free to be himself in nature. So it was a double edged sword, there was no right or wrong, just the polarity of separation, and in this case it's hard to say that it is even consequential for if Rusty should have left or stayed.

I wish Rusty had stayed at his home to see his friend's, but he only had one chance, he followed his heart.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself following my heart as I realize my heart being abused by my addiction to emotions and feelings, and thus having lost sight of how to live when what's right and wrong is based on how I feel, where I can believe I should kill myself if I should feel bad as depressed, and thus allow my heart to be a cop out, when I'm the one who placed this pressure on my heart to begin with, and had already made the decision before it appeared in real time, based on emotions and feelings and how I learnt to express them from within myself.

Day 104- Warriors: Into The Wild

I started reading this series in elementary school.

I was wanting to start trying to read more or make a regular schedule to read, so I bought the first series of these books.

The first series of books is about a house kitten that is invited to join a wild cat clan, and about the struggles of the 4 different clans all trying to survive in the wilderness, sometimes fighting with other clans.

I wanted to start reading again beginning with these books because I wanted to really look into my memories and how reading these books really resonated with me.

I felt like I had purpose that I was fulfilled, I felt happy, and at peace in my imagination as I played out in my mind the stories I was reading.

I can remember a sense of being reinvigorated in life through these stories in this series, as well as some other books I also enjoined throughout my school years.

Reading and imagining the stories I was reading is one of the only things that really I can remember feeling 'whole'.

In those moments I was living in a fantasy, I was creating my reality, outside of reality.

Dreaming, fantasy, imagination, I really made out to be what defined my sense of completion, of being fulfilled.

I cannot put the whole picture together, but as I continue reading through however long it takes to finish this series, I'll be able to keep delving into my imaginations, and fantasies, and how they've built who I am to this day.

It also takes me back to some of my first experiences of depression or of apathy, kind of like the polarity of the feelings from dreaming, and reading, and imagining.

In the depression what was here was the only thing that really existed or matter, and it was not enjoyable, not something worth living for, but in my day dreams, and dreams, and fantasies, and while reading this book or other books, or even in games and movies, there was not just escape, but purpose, and meaning, and wonder, infinite pleasure.

It's not all as intimidating to look at now since having written about escape through fantasy in the past, but it's still charged up with this sad feeling like it's wrong to dream, because you can't live a dream, so it's just a delusion. This reaction of sadness that I'd rather create illusions then live what is here and have no purpose or fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for creating and living my life in a fantasy world of dreams, day dreams, fantasies, and delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my dream of reality as being bad, when what I must do is to see who I am as these dreams, and actually understand them, so the judgement is just saying that I'm wrong and have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failed human being for having spent my life creating a fallacy of what life is and what it means to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a perfect human as being and moving and living in total silence and hereness, when that is just another fallacy, because I don't know what that is in practical living and application, just as an idea.

So I just don't know what's going on at all, but I realize judgement and ridicule prevents me from comprehending or acknowledging what's going on around me so, as I move forward in my life and my process, I realize there's mistakes, and dangers, and dreams, and who knows what can happen, but it is in moments that I give to myself as these, to find ways to sit down, investigate, and forgive that I really am living fulfillment and purpose and nothing is lost in doing so, yet I gain an idea of where I stand and how to breathe and apply in the future.

I commit myself to as I continue to read my cat books, to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself judging or defining to give into dreams while reading as being wrong or bad, as I realize myself as exploring these parts of me in learning how I've created them and why and what fantasy and imagination represent to me to be written out and forgiven not for being wrong or bad, but in forgiving my relationship which I must realize for myself as standing for what's best for life or not, not in judgement but in self honesty, without fear.

I remember growing up and feeling very empty, and needing to find and have things to fill that hole within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the words empty as without meaning and purpose through out my growing up, and then lived still to this day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could have had purpose in living within oneness and equality in each breathe, as not needing to have been taught or instructed to have done so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fulfillment and purpose has been to be found outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a picture in my mind as a dream as creating a perfect picture of reality to be fulfilled, because I've judged my reality as wrong, and so create whatever takes it's place through the law of attraction within my imagination as right, when neither are what they seem to be.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself giving into the definition of right or wrong for my judgement of reality or my judgment of dreams, as I realize neither being what they appear to be on the surface, and both begin influenced by me on levels of conscience information that I am simply unable to attend to or work with in any all out practical way at this time.

I've tried suppressing my imagination while dreaming in the past, but that's just coming from the place of judging imagination as wrong, or embracing imagination as I have through spirituality as feelings as right, so in saying here to myself that everything in my life has become a dream and there's nothing I can immidetely do except to stop judging and beating myself up, and investigating what is going on and who am I going to be within the heat of it all.

So what are some words about dreaming and reading and all of that, which come to mind for me, control, infinite, creativity, spiritual, feelings.

Most of my memories are of school, which I already mentioned just yesterday as being something I associated with restriction, suppression, subversion, meaningless, and so I tried to create the opposite of what I was going through within myself in relationship to what my life was being formed as, I was trying to give my life form, but I didn't realize that form as being the physical, as each breathe.

This opens up a massive spectrum I hadn't ever thought about like this before, it's very intimidating, but I can see how it will be very rewarding to continue perusing, and how dreams and fantasies as far as I see within myself are what make up who I am as consciences, so it'd be a very empowering point to continue investigating.

Day 103- Redefining the Word Work

How can I do more within my relationship to work?

In redefining the word and forgiving the current definition I've created, I can give myself a broader way to address work in my life.

I can take any moment I find relating to work in any way at any time, having to do with anxieties before, during, or after work.

I can look at how I function within my relationship to people at work, and how I act differently at work then outside of work in terms of how I behave.

I've made my intention to try to write about work regularly, looking to improve my ability to not be anxious before or during work, to enjoy work, to stand in work as being one of the biggest obligations in my life to be responsible for myself.

Dealing with the word work itself, is to me, taking on everything pertaining to work, knowing how I'd like to stand in relationship to work, where I'd like to do my work there in the moment, and enjoy that without resistance, and thus come home to address the other responsibility and activities I spend my time on, where I don't want to feel like I must spend excessive amounts of time benging on media and entertainment, because I feel I can't handle going into work without some kind of entertainment as release to the constraint.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create work as a restrain on me physically, where this is my current definition based on how I grew up interpreting work as a sort of punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare work to school where I hated school because I felt uninterested and like I was waiting my time there, so restrained from expressing and living the way I'd like to have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my definition of work become based on the idea of being restrained as I felt in school when I had never even opened up or addressed the specific things about school that made me feel that way, and thus, my relationship to work formed in the same way, without any understanding or insight, I accepted work to be defined by the fear and ideas I created without compromise.

I enjoy working much more than I did school, and it can be all the things I know it can be for me, my conviction to sticking it out, and trying to make it work, and that is a good platform, but I've been working with problems I've created through delusion and imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a definition of work that drags me down, when in reality I know work can me practical, and uplifting, and needed in all ways within the world, within my own world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let work be a place where I define myself as being stuck, where I'm stuck with all the problems I already have, and then have to face responsibility, and obligation without having the ability to sit down and address what had already been upsetting me prior to work.

What am I already realizing in assessing my entire definition of work as a word lived through me.

All the problems I have at work, aren't pertaining to the work and action and everything that really surround work, relationships, ect.

When I'm at work I can see that the problems I've made for myself aren't pertaining to reality.

Working is so real, so concise in how you interact with people, how you remain in motion/action, and when I'm in these moments I can see there is only blue skies, I can see how to live, not in the moment, but in action, in definition, in self movement and self empowerment.

You just act, breathe, live, accomplish.

I don't want to feel restricted by work, but I'm ok with working, be it regular writing, or job, or school, I have created and lived a restrictive definition for what?

Fear of not living a life free of work?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the desire of wanting to be free of work, when this desire was not based in reality or my best interest as life.

So, where specifically does this all occur?

This one word of restriction compounded onto the word work, can be occurring at anytime in relationship to the word work in anyway.

I've compounded many things onto the word work.

I want to stand in all of those moments changing and evolving who I am as what I live, as the words I live and express as myself.

What do I redefine work as?

Just the actions and responsibility themselves.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself living the word work as anything I can identify as not being me deciding to take the actions and plan my activities out pertaining to work in one motion, no resistance, no complications, as I realize as walking and evolving my new definition in real time, I then will be able to more corrective address moments of anxiety, resistance, or anything that spoils the definition I have given to myself.

Defining words vs defining more specific instances can be really good for me, because I can take and live my words in each breathe, expand and improve upon work, even when I'm not at work, or when I'm doing a task I would consider pertaining to the word work.

I have something to work on in each breathe, I give more definition and purpose to each breathe I take.

I tried for a long time to find that, power and self affirmation in each breathe, but with the new concept of redefining a word, that can encompass
each breathe, and each moment.

Day 102- My Cry For Help.

The day that had to come, and as many people close to me know this holds a lot of significance to me.

Outside of my work, and my writing, I have been trying to help people, saying it's what is best for all of life, (to myself).

Although I did not say that this to me put me in a superior position to other people, I can see that it did.

The most pressing thing I have done and need to publicly account for is offering people money to write on the forum.

Paying people to write self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness is to me a way of letting go of things I want to change or improve addressed in their specific design and nature as seeing how they were created and why, ultimately directing and being driven by creating a better world for all of life, which means for myself. I cannot just improve my own life, and not another's, I have to consider all of life equally, because life works with relationship.

For more info on what self forgiveness is check out Desteni.org

Obviously there's nothing illegal about paying someone to write but the internet is a place that can be affected by any government, and I do not know the laws of the place from where the forum is hosted, but I today, will not allow this to slide any longer, because I don't know that this is produce supportive results for people, I don't know that it's what the Desteni organization would like representing them, and I am seeing that what is going to be best for life, is to start with just one! Not 2! 1+1=2 0+1=1 meaning right now if I were to ask myself am I supporting myself as life to the best of my abilities, and do I think I'm in a position to help other's, I would say a resounding no.

Only one person did wrote a few things on the forum, but I had 1300 dollars invested among different people, all of which I will make sure understand they are under no obligation by me or anyone to do anything having to do with writing, but I clarified that the money has no obligation nor strings, and I spoke to the one person that did write a few things that it was not right of me to be doing so, and that he was under no financial obligation to write self forgiveness on the forum, why is it that this was wrong of me?

I say 'wrong', as objectively not in the best interest of life, compared to other decisions and things that I deliberately choose not to address.

1) I did not ask anyone if it was ok to pay someone to write self forgiveness for themselves on the forum, doing so without asking the people running the forum, shows how I was seeing my own self interest in being someone who does what is 'best for life', as if just because I thought that this would be a cool idea, and people would agree with it in retrospect if they found out would just be a minor fiasco when shown to the light, I did not ask, and me taking the authority to represent the forum or Desteni as a community, was something I'd like to publicly reconcile.

2) I should not be taking the authority of knowing what is best for life when I justify keeping a questionable transaction secret.

3) Although I have read the forum guidelines and tried to familiarize myself with them in the past, I did not go to even the lengths immediately available to me to me to both double check and seek out more information and reference on the forum.

4) I spoke to what I was doing with someone involved in the group who recommenced investigating what he could see as a clear misalignment in my behavior.

5) There was clear evidence of me being influenced to feel who knows, messiah complex, being a good person, being a martyr who would work hard to make money for a family as people writing self forgiveness with me, power of being a 'boss', and the other side of thinking people were bad for not taking my offer, which I thought was financially a great offer and well thought out.

6) It's a morally grey area, where you're not letting someone decide for themselves what they would like in their life in relationship to writing or self forgiveness when you place money in-between them, the king of manipulators on earth. It's taking away someone learning for themselves for real.

7) I don't know the laws of the country from which the server is hosted.

Reiterating why I did this, I wanted to make a name for myself, I wanted to be special as doing something edgy and cool that people would admire, it gave me purpose to try to help people by utilizing finances, I wanted to be a good person who did good things you know, be good get good, but it was not that simple, so for now and the future, here's some reference to what trying to be a 'good guy' is like, it stinks, I put effort into helping other people, but I did not know what I was doing, and I neglected myself in the process, I stood for manipulating other's with your power to not have to take real responsibility.

I thought it would be cool to have my own gang of people writing self forgiveness like a club where people get together, and I thought that's what I was going to do, I thought I was setting the rest of my life up for success, all my hard work at my job saving my money, and realizing I have money, what do I want to do with it, I want to do what's best for life like I heard about, to be cherished and respected.

Where am I after all of this? I'm so tired it's not even a choice, I didn't have to choose to stop paying people and cut off the financial obligations, I ruined myself, and now my gift is to clean up my mess and call it even.

May anyone interested in more personal insight about my experiences with helping people in basically ego empowerment as self interest plays out, and why communicating and taking care of yourself first seems like a cool idea.

OK! That's what self forgiveness is, that's why I thought it would be a good idea to pay people to write on the forum in immediate loans which put pressure on people to feel pressured as if they already have the money/deal so they have to write, and that's why I must publicly announce and denounce my behavior! That is me having purpose, having responsibility, doing what's best for life, it is not a competition, and what's best should be decided and walked together not in secret driven by motives that could have instantly been recognized as selfish! By talking and communicating and asking questions and mutually respecting all of life. So yes I see that I had good intentions and thought it would be cool to make a name for myself, to be noticed, but that's the thing. This was not me unconditionally doing what is best for life, this was motivated by me thinking I know better, that I am better, trying to prove myself, asserting myself where I knew I was not capable or even given that privilege by anyone but myself to begin with.

Truth is, if I look at my life now and the way I treat life through myself, I lied to the people I apparently wanted to help, I told them they would be helping themselves, I was helping my sense of ego, which is for me to address for myself, and not to involve other's in my complex.

Ok...

That's all specifically concerning that matter!

Me

Time for the fun time!

A real time party for everyone!

In recognizing I'm just a person who has made too many problems for myself to reasonably live my life without utilizing the tools I have learnt from Desteni for self support to help with anything! To accomplish anything! To make a world that is actually inhabitable for all generations to ever come, at the rate we're at as a whole, (which I can even see in myself!) Yeah I can look at the news, I can look any where in the media and see, this doesn't add up the way I'd like it too! I can even simply look at myself, at my own thoughts and behavior and everything I can see, and I can say, none of this is right, simple, and me personally discovering the tools to fix what's wrong with the world, as fixing what's wrong with myself, as one equal part.

That's what I can say!

That's what I can share to the world!

I found a free forum site, free blogs, free vlogs, free videos, mind blowing information, support, and the ability to change myself into a better person, without changing who I am as a living being.

That as of right now I can do, although personal responsibility being crucial, I need to make sure I'm sharing genuinely and unconditionally because sharing Desteni.org with someone else for the first time, is sharing it with myself for the first time, all over again, and that's an even better deal than the one I concocted.

That's what you can do, that's my gift to myself, there is a challenge to it, 'well this is a cult', 'this is weird', 'this is crazy'

That can sting, like why am I doing this, this person raises some good points, that's the gift of sharing, is receiving, another perspective to have fun with and test out.

Party time for real now,

Who am I now starting fresh, for myself?

I want to focus on myself!

I am going to work on that! I commit myself to work and focus on myself, as the one being I'm responsible for, and to address my relationship to being just one being directing one being.

First thing I want to address is not the trying to 'help' people part, it's the attention.

Wanting to be special, be noticed, be recognized and given attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as worth giving attention to, as recognizing what I need and what I am capable of and acting on that through execution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed as cool and different, as a trail blazer in the way and extent I tried to help other's.

What is cool?

Recognizable?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's as being boring but me as being interesting for doing things differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaken myself by needing the attention and affection of other's as to tell me who I am, and what I'm worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do acts that would define me as good, and cool, and worthy, when I was not living as what my actions implied for real, so therefore all I was, was my real intention's which weren't cool, or good, or worthy of anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting attention, where I know I'd rather and be satisfied fulfilling myself, as recognizing myself, but allow myself to get caught up in both the desire of popularity and affinity, as well as the fear of it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the length something I judged as insignificant will really go, where I just justify my desire and fear of being recognized as something or someone through my direct actions, and tell myself that it's no big deal, when it has influenced me to make bold and regrettable gestures that I only ever regretted my entire life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my friends down with me, when I try to tell them about my problems and everything about me, where I want to be recognized, and am only talking about problems and things I know full well how to address in self honesty and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how I'm noticed by other's will define me as not being boring and not worth much.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I act on being special and noticed from my mind, but I understand that who I am does not require to be above or below anyone, and could simply gain from everyone and everything no matter there current state of mind or expression.

So that's something about helping other's, you can seem special, and recognized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help other's to seem special and feel recognized when I should be helping myself and all of life for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as being fearless, to seem fearless and powerful, when I do so compensating for how I don't want people to see my fear, so it has nothing to do with seeming like anything, I want to simply address my fear and actually be fearless, not to seem fearless.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself acting in any way that is based on the desire for attention, as I realize this as needing attention in the places I do not give to myself, which I realize cannot be gained through other's, and the involvement of other's only further's the complex, so in these moments to soften the blow, I will look at myself and my actions and ask myself what they represent so I can start to draw the line of how interactions should go, give and take, not me wanting to be fulfilled outside of myself as energy.

I commit myself to address the things that I don't want people to see in me, as not special, and normal, average or bad, ugly or problematic, so I can come to terms with these things as well, and realize as scary as it sounds I don't know how anyone actually perceives me, so I must come to grips with the information I have through how I view myself and other's, to give me things to work with in self forgiveness and interaction in my world.

Loaning large amounts of money, sometimes at interest for my favor, sometimes no interest just another so called 'good act'. Helping people financially.

Helping house people, I tried to take on 3 different people into my old place, problem being it wasn't even my place, and I should not have invited people to stay somewhere as if I was the one accommodating.

Telling people about Desteni recommending it, like I thought introducing people to Desteni was my responsibility, my obligation, it just put me in awkward situations where I felt pressured to talk about Deteni when I was not necessarily interested in comfortable doing so.

Taking people places in my car, if I didn't want to give someone a ride I never had to.

Simple acts of trying to be nice and respectful and listen, which I was not consistent at to begin with, sometimes just being rude or stubborn.

All of these things have a double edged

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as good for doing these things for other's, when sometimes they put me in situations I'm not comfortable with, and thus it's the 'greater good'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest with myself when I do things just because I think they're good things, because I will than be a special Jesus Christ figure who suffers for other's, when I don't know anything about Jesus Christ if real, and many people have emulated Jesus Christ through Christianity, and the results aren't adding up fast or efficient enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I've been possessed, where I feel overwhelmed with terror of myself, when and as I have seen that I was in-fact possessed to help people, to feel the part of me that believed doing good is being good.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to torture myself in the name of doing good, as the name of god, as Jesus dying on the cross, is not representing what's best for life, because it is coming from my own perspective which cannot see life, and can only see martyrdom as a way out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate life when I try to help believing it's my way out, when I'm not considering all of life, and hate life, and just want an out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise my behavior from myself, by strategically spending my time on activities that would keep me constantly distracted, so even when I was writing, I was already onto the next activity, as I am now, in my mind thinking about other activities that don't need an address just yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for hiding how I hurt myself through trying to help, when I could have simply addressed this many times over, simply found what I justified as a good reason not to, a good reason to ignore a real problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I have spent time distraught, and in pain, and thought that it was acceptable to treat myself that way, when I would not treat another that way, and I would not ask another to sacrifice themselves, yet I would, as indicated by what I do to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sacrificing myself to doing what's good and living a good life, is not 'good', it's a misalignment, you give up on yourself and what's best for you as life while simply recognizing other's as equal in value, meaning to sacrifice one, is to sacrifice all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am a sinner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sinner so quickly, when I've just seen myself as a savior not a few hours ago, so the evidence of what's going on as fabrication is clear, but I'm letting myself be triggered because I can't help it.

Help it.

I cannot help it.

I cannot help who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say and think I cannot help myself, far more times than I've tried to help anyone in anyway, and still didn't get the picture.

I used Desteni, and abused the name and reputation of Desteni, to fulfill my desire of being a messiah, where I knew I harbored this complex which I knew was not what would be best for life, but found a way to justify it through self deception.

It's become compulsive, so, when and as I see myself harboring the impulse to help other's doing the activities as believing they are good and beneficial to other's, I commit myself to stop, breathe, and ask myself, do I believe that this is really what's best for all of life together as a group, or am I seeking to fulfill a sense of self gratification playing behind the sense, and in asking this question, give myself as much time as I can to be still, to not act compulsively, because even if I was doing what was best for life all the times I tried to 'help', compulsive actions aren't being delegated, they're due to restraint from restriction, from repercussion, I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, I have the tools to be good for real, and I try to screw them up!

This is a crazy party! This is fun, I tried, and I was wrong, and I forgave, so I can see how I'm still judging in the word wrong, what's wrong with trying to do what's best and learning as you go? What's wrong with hurting yourself and justifying it because you believe it will help other's, where you put your attention on other's, and miss the point, as missing yourself.

That makes for one crazy party!

ups and downs, that makes a party!

Sometimes I'm good sometimes I'm bad, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise myself in everything I do, instead of just coming to terms with what I have done in my life, and how I have created a relationship to what is done, as the past, and restrict the future, out of fear of dying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in being honest about what I've done and what I learned and what I forgave and what I'm going though, does not change the fact that I am still not at terms with me being the one who creates my experience, and me being alone to address the world, not as a feeling, but as what I can see from my perspective as right or wrong and correcting it.

Why does this all make me end up feeling upset?

I'm struggling with this point, because I fear and regret how much it opens, where I have to make another choice.

I'm seeing how I can deliberately deceive myself, without question, and with justification, and where this has placed me as alone in the clouds above the world, or beneath the ground with no worth to anyone, and I spread this indirectly yet, requiring just a little self honesty to discover, and so I'm scared of what I've done to other's.

But the point was what I've done for and as myself as equal to other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe entities outside of myself can punish me, because I don't even listen to my own voice, and I resent my existence, because it's not beautiful, like the christ doing good acts and suffering for other's, why? Because other's sinned, he sinned in hurting himself and calling that the greatest act.

This is not my greatest act, this is my weakest hour, and all the mathematics add up to me, not being what's best for life as myself, this is like a last ditch chance to make amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am required to make amends with other's in the same way the world is required to function on money when that's just a collectively brought about choice, that monopolized, and then it wasn't a fair choice, if democracy has ever really been implemented.

I commit myself to settle here, recognize that I've come to terms with certain things, and can now move on to make more mistakes and learn more and implement more, so I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself fearing what I'm creating as the world in doing 'good', and realize I'm just gambling with my life, and if I can see and live with dignity as a conscience being, I should have already realized I should not gamble my life for a chance at winning, I should not treat myself the ways I would not treat other's in life and vice versa. So in this moment of stopping when I fear the world I'm creating as doing good, I will just commit myself to find a way to create a good world for all of life while I'm still here, that'd be brave, if there are boggy men, or ghosts, or aliens, or what is what and who is who, I can stand for what I conscienceless understand as life being a resource, a resource that I am, and a resource that can self multiply, and if I just be patient and don't start thinking in fantasies, and I can find a way to live and interact that is fair and just to all in all ways, and I can forgive and change what I will not accept or agree with for all of life, and I can see things in a way that allows me to maintain myself in the face of the separation I've created as past, present, future, me, you, them, All for one, one for all, and nothing for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emulate Bernard Poolman, for myself, when I need to take care of myself, life is dying, and I don't know who I am so that griefs me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grieved by not being able to see my own face, which is to have control over what I look and appear to be to other's, when to me I'm nothing, so what else could I be?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naive when I wanted to be like Bernard Pool man in doing good things, and being intense and meaningful, when I help people, and justify it, because I decide having a purpose is justified over living one, so mimicking is tolerable over realizing, expressing, and sharing equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret dragging a dead mans name into my personal conflict vendetta, where I blame myself, so I blame everyone else, but justify it as being good because I did what I thought B would do, a man I did not know 1/10,000ths that other people did, yet I thrive off of him as some personal spirit animal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate me, for not being the person who I believe would know what to do.

I commit myself to stretch, and shrink, who I am and what I think, and what I do and don't do, just to gain an understanding of the meaninglessness of it, outside of what is given and taken by the natural resource of life.

I commit myself to redefine natural resources, to find a place in my crazy head sphere that I've implemented because I'm not happy, with ways to think about and observe the word natural resource in my world and environment so I can come to terms with redefining how I see and live the word as and through self forgiveness as realignment to what I realize as best for myself as life, e e e e e e equal.

I commit myself to redefine the word sex, as a word I associate with this fiasco, as seeing how I embrace celebecy as an option, stated in my past blog, when I would give up on women as another sacrifice, when in reality I know that it was no sacrifice, I'm always on dating sites, and trying to talk to girls, which get me going! It's fun to just talk to girls, and if they liked me, as the poet inside of me says, 'I would have absolutely no clue or care of what to do if I caught one'. So, sex, and can sex be in the mind, and can it be in a feeling, and what do you do if you aren't comfortable with the sexual feelings you have. In redefining the word, I can establish these things for myself, and won't have to make brash decisions like celibacy which I do not actually stand for or represent, I'm just feeding off all the different angles that work in my self interest, the triangle, 3 points, which one wins? You can stretch them out as long as you'd like, they're part of one shape, consciences, and I should not be scaring myself, I am going to be more firm with myself, I will redefine this word which I have created physical turmoil around, to realize what I did, and why I did it, and how I can change it for real, and live and apply something I know I'm already excited for.

Excitement is a good word, even while writing this blog, I was excited to jump into such a long serious me here giving er a go at a serious issue that needed serious attention, and I realize I don't want to be excited to do something important when lives are at stake! All this helping stuff that seemed to help some people sometimes, put other people at risk at other times, there's no art or craft or perfection to it, it just needs to first be toned down in this blog, but then addressed and approached more throughout over time and through self forgiveness and my ability to see what my world is and left the weight that is uncalled on. I commit myself to investigate the word excitement and realize when it occurs in relationship to certain activities how it influences my ability to best function. My ability to see what's really going on, just like the excitement and freedom and enjoyment of sex with a man and a women, and all of sudden that excitement is fear, there was compulsive behavior based on fear of dying unforgiven. unsexxed, un/not worth something for not having sex, that's the excitement to escape reality, then the kid, is a real thing. Then what have I done, what have I done, what have you done, you did this, because I fear that I played a role, no matter how big or small, so that's excitement as it stands, I commit myself to investigate the regret after excitement once faced with the more pressing reality of matters, and how excitement was never even what it appeared to be, and there was a specific reason that it appeared to be the way it was, to influence people over time, and generations, because that was accepted, excitement is easy, feeling good is great, love is god, but a child is not easy, being a parent will not feel good, and man is god and god has a great wrath that flows both ways.

That's my mistake, where it came from, why it was a mistake, how I realized and forgave what was able to be isolated in this one sitting, and of course, how I will live the change the living word, as I address some words to play with in the coming trials and tribulations.

One more thing is under my skin, that played more of a role in this than I gave credit initially, wanting to be Bernard Poolman, finding ways to feel and act and emulate him.

The he is superior for what he created, means I'm less for not having created, I wanted to stand and rise and be the things I saw occurring in another, but not in myself

I can see myself comparing myself to him, in ways that don't even make sense, I'm Matt, I don't know what Matt is physically very well, and fight with him and make his life impossible, but we're getting somewhere, there is a horizon, a world to explore never explored before, and it's not the hollow earth, or the flat earth, or the sun, or space, or the sea, It's Matt a living being giving himself what he needs as a being that messed itself up, but is growing aware of the greater repercussions of messing one up, and how fast that adds up.

So helping other's has left me totally totally unable to do anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto Bernard Poolman as an idol that represented what I wanted in myself, when my body is my idol and if I treat him the way I treat myself, I'd be in jail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize the common words structured as tools of reasserting oneself as the living word and everything in-between and making a better being, yet acting like Bernard Poolman is me writing to help myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leech onto the idea of a man separate from me to save me, as 'I saved other's', when I'm a human directing myself one and equal, I've made my own exsistance.

Let's mix the sands here,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a weak body, where I see myself as punished with an enadequette body, that is not strong, handsome, or competent enough to make me through the day and do the tasks I'm required of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my body to that of Bernard Poolman, I knew him from his voice, and speaking to him one time, I don't know his body or what it is to inhabit his body, I know what it is to inhabit my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not fix all these dang things that's needing fixin, because I'm not in a body that is willing and comfortable with the task at hand.

I commit myself to embody the body that's got to sort this all out, because I'm a body, flesh and blood in action as one part, but I have a mind to help me navigate, and I am conscience of what is going on because of the relationship between the two.

So, I can write all of that and not feel up to facing the day, or I could just be the body that bumped itself up, to the level it clearly requires in all situations at all time.

I commit myself to set everything I've ever written here or ever aside, when it it time to go out and into the world and live, and I commit myself to harvest the energy through whatever good eating, and exercising and sleeping and medication is required internally or physically.

I commit myself to get hella excited to go make some skrilla, knowing I'll regret the feeling of excitement when I come down, and knowing also that if I don't try to find a way to spend the money I earn in a way that is best for all of life soon, It's going to become all about selfishness again, without me even realizing.

Day 101- Prepared

Yesterday I decided to write about preparedness for today.

One example is if I have something on my mind before work and I don't resolve it, I'll have that thing on my mind all day at work, because I'm too busy to address it in any practical way.

Another is when I'm at work and something triggers me and in the same way I am now bothered by whatever I allowed myself to be triggered by, and then if I don't write it out I risk it occurring again.

I want to bridge the gap between when I'm at work am having a bad time, and just want to get done with work, with when I get home and just want to shake it all off and forget about my problems at work, just to go back to work with the same problems.

I think some of this has to do with my procrastinating character.

Where if I don't feel like doing something I will have energetic resistance to doing a certain thing, so then will wait till the last second or try to weasel my way out of the situation.

I forgibe myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value preparation in my life, to avoid repeating the same pitfalls.

When I was a kid I didn't have to prepare for anything I was supported and prepared for by my family.

I feel like that part of me didn't grow up yet. I find myself still expecting things in my life to just come together on their own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live in the past where my life was prepared and scheduled by my parents and the government where my only responsibility was to go to the bus stop and go to school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as immature as not having matured as realized certain responsibilities for myself coming into adulthood, when all I need is to self honestly introspect as taking an inventory of all my new obligations and responsibilities and learn how to manage them without the perpetuating of the idea that I'm not competent enough to take on the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incompetent.

It just sounds so hanass, so hateful, like, I haven't really given a reason to see myself as unable to rise to the occasion, to learn, to adapt, to take on responsibility, so why do I see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the idea of me being incompetent when I repeat the same mistakes again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put so much pressure on myself to vanguish all mistakes to create some kind of perfection in my life without mistakes.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize if being incompetent means making mistakes, than that's a flawed detention, out of spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of my mistakes of me for making them, instead of just being patient and walking with myself not to prevent mistakes from ever happening but to support myself in stopping the ones that I can learn from and improve upon.

That seems much more palpable.

I can move myself to a better stance within my world, but when I go to work unprepared for certain interactions and ble the other person for doing what I expected them to do and triggering myself the way I already knew I would, this seems lack luster in terms of self honesty.

To start, I need to prepare to be pissed off.

I need to prepare to have bad thoughts.

I need to prepare to be annoyed and argumentive and anger prone.

I need to be prepared to just be a jerk or a jack ass or crude or inconsiderate.

Because I'm not better than these things, I know these things will happen, I want to be prepared, not evasive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be prepared to face bad thoughts and hate and spite and ego, because I think I can be better than those things by stopping them within my mind.

That brings me back to living change and energy change.

I want to change these things for real, but in self honesty I know that this will not happen all at once, I must be prepared for what is already set in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my bad characteristics only to be surprised when they return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surprised when I see something bad such as deliberate backchat towards someone out of spite, when if I had been self honest and paying attention to my paaterns and characters, I would have predicted it, and would not have been surprised at all.

I would have been prepared.

Preparing for what I know will happen can lighten the blow.

I don't go out much, I just go to work mostly, and I was planning to take 1 or 2 college courses on top of my work load.

So with just school and college and writting and a few other responsabilites like starting to work out or eat better maybe do some reading, that really really puts me in a place of suchstability it should not be that hard to be prepared for the girth of what I will face on an average day.

There are always curveballs, but even then in living the word prepared in itself is enough to cover everything.

So what else about being a kid and feeling inept.

I feel inept when I see myself as unprepared, so why don't I just be prepared? Because I see myself as inept.

It's an endless cycle, I need to just get up and get ready, to just prepare and then execute.

The judgement really tangles things up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept because I do not properly prepare and execute activities and obligations in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept and in response do not properly prepare or plan and thus execute things in my life, because 'why should I'? 'That is not who I am.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the character of being inepet when I procrastinate and do not prepare, because I do not feel like rising to the occasion, and thus preparing, and then executing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a spontaneous character because in spontimuity you don't have to prepare or feel like doing something.

I would see that pushing through resistance of not feeling like doing something but having prepared and planned and then executing it regardless of resistance is better than just spontaneously doing things without rhyme or reason.

Times to be spontaneous and times to plan prepare and be responsible.

Like setting an alarm clock before you go to bed.

The other day, I don't remember if I just hit snooze on my alarm clock or forgot to set it, but I remember walking up through my own volition randomly looking at the time, with 15 minutes to get up and go to work.

In that case because I am good at being spontaneous I got up dressed and ran to my car, not very hygenic way to start the day, but I made it one time.

Point being, I couldn't imagine being able to rely on waking up at the right time for work based on some internal clock, I need my alarm clock to be set.

Reliability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray my self trust when I jump into a situation make the same mistakes, and then do not prepare better for next time nor make amends or adjustments.

That just feeds into my thinking.

I have to think to prepare instead of actually prepare because I have already established I'm just winging my way through life on a whim.

Finding Desteni randomly, my jobs all walk ins into very nice plush jobs, my friends just people I stubbled upon.

There was a quote I remember that I took to gut, I say that instead of taken to heart just for fun.

I took to gut the quote, it goes something like, "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"

I identify as an excessively lucky person.

I don't even have all the things I want, but I just have so much going for me, I consider myself very lucky in that regard.

Which is the other side of the coin, where I say I do not prepare, but in what parts of my life do I prepare for?

If there is no luck only preparation and opportunity, and I see myself as lucky.

I have either a lot of opportunities, being middle class white in America they say nets you opprituinuty, I would say I has more to do with the moula.

Or I either am very very prepared and just call myself lucky, because I'm under appreciating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to fate to see how things turned out for me the way they did, instead of looking to myself and asking myself in what ways have I prepared myself for this, what role did I play in what is happened in my life, how can I prepare down the line, by looking to the past.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not preparing adequately for something that will bring strife and struggle into my life, and in that moment of seeing what is to come or may come, ask myself do I want this to be harder than it has to be, and if so why do I tolerate such insolence.

That's an intense word, but that's how it feels sometimes, I just wish not as much recently but for example in the past, I put myself through so much struggle in my years outside of self forgiveness that even though I got to where I am now, I really regret that I didn't put more effort into returning to self forgiveness and Desteni, all because I was scared. I couldn't prepare to return to writting yet at the same time I had prepared. I planned to return one day, and I returned at around the exact time I had predicted. Opprituinuty meets preparation, and I call it luck.

Day 100- Thinking About Thinking

I remembered how much I think today.

You would imagine that a person should be aware when they're thinking.

I realized I think so much, constantly, even without words, I'm always thinking.

I notice that I day dream, because I don't do it all the time, so there are moments where I can isolate as being separate from day dreaming. It doesn't occur to me how much I'm thinking because there's no interval.

Even without words If feel like my mind is in the state of thinking of processing information.

When I need something to write about, I will think about what to write about.

I will think about lots of things to write about, but not get anywhere.

It's ironic because I don't think to write about thinking.

So I thought, after I realized how much I think, that I should write about that today, because I might forget again, so I want to take the opportunity while it is here, before I go back into thinking without realizing it.

It's like thinking doesn't mean anything to me, yet I do it constantly.

That's why I like Hearthstone so much because it is a strategy card game that involves a ton of thinking and applying the mind over time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize in self honesty how much I think, and realize what this must indicate about myself.

My thinking and thoughts are very manic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have manic thoughts and thinking, when it would be better to just relax and not over think everything.

It's like having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly think and analyze things to give myself a sense controlling my world.

The thinking doesn't help me control myself or my world, it helps me to control my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my mind from within my mind, instead of just letting go, and just thinking about the things I really need to, and letting go of the thinking that doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define trivial things as mattering and needing to be thought about, when they don't really matter outside of my own personal thought bubble and ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ware myself out with all of the thinking I do about everything in the name of my own personal identity as thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thinking.

I thought about how sometimes when I think, it sounds like my own voice, and if I try to emulate another person's voice in my head that I could probably do that constantly until it became natural.

I think a lot about decisions and choices and what's best for life, and other people and their own behavior as well as me and my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think my way through life, when I could instead live my way through life.

I don't really feel like I choose to think, it just happens compulsively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to thinking, where I do not have a say in thinking and in my thoughts, where it just all happens automatically.

Here is a question... Who am I as thinking?

I'm myself. I see thinking as part of how I function, thinking as much as I do can feel annoying and overwhelming, and when I get triggered by something I can think about it for days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by thinking, when this does not help me deal with thinking, annoyance itself is just obsessing over something another form of thinking.

Thinking is like tinkering.

It is basically just tinking, tinkering away at things, picking at everything in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find solace in predicting and preparing and presuming within my thoughts as thinking, instead of just facing more things head on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and act as if there is a looming threat in everything as if my life is at stake and I must plan everything and every moment and interaction out, when that's not self honest, what is more self honest is that I think not to out think some grave threat or plot against me, I think for my own indulgence, I think to compensate for my laziness and ill prepared nature.

If I were prepared I wouldn't have to think so much, if I made plans and stuck with them, I would not have to think so much, if I really trusted myself and could live and apply myself in a practical way I would not need to think so much.

I can't just stop thinking, which was discussed in my last vlog, but what I was over thinking in that vlog was the need to stop the mind in each breathe to stop thinking, and that only applies to a certain degree is how I see it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe thinking compromises who I am, when it is the other way around, in self honesty, I compromise who I am so I can have what I expierence and receive through thinking.

I trade myself to thought, thought does not do anything to me, unless I lent myself to it.

I made the thought, so I would bend myself for the thought.

Thinking and thoughts are like seeds just like with reactions and other things, programmed to reach a certain length in time before they sprout.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught off guard by day dreaming and by my thoughts, when I could predict them, and walk with them in real time, in theory.

If I understood how I programmed my mind, and when my next thought was programmed to occur, or what might trigger it earlier than it's planned vibration or growth or occurance.

My whole life seems to be just thinking.

That's why I was excited to get into writting again, because writting is like manifesting and creating and living and doing, planning, predicting, it's like taking all of the mind and applying it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be stable and focused on my breathing, in breathing self awareness, because I'm too busy thinking about crap.

I can't remember half of the things I think about, it's just part of my conscience excestiance. The only time I'm not thinking is in my sleep, that's why I dream so much and so creatively vividly and expressively.

Because thinking drains all my ability to create and express.

So if I'm going to do something particular or do something funny, I have to temporarily make sure I've shut my thinking off.

I have a pretty good sense of humor about things, maybe that is compensating for how thinking detracts me from living and expressing.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself thinking, and make myself aware in that moment of my thinking, and understand what does if represent for real in relationship to myself, and see what can be done to navigate said moment differently, or see what I learn about myself.

Being conscience for me is almost synonymous with thinking. I'd say it's actually hard to distinguish being conscience with thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my conscience be exsisting as awareness of personality and energy as thinking, instead of relationships, and practical applyable ideas, and breathing as being here where sometimes that is all you have.

I'm kind of tired last few days, and I'll be writting and I'll have that feeling of being tired, and I'll nod off right there whole writting than wake up flustered right after.

That feeling of being tired is like the thought, I can breathe through being tired, but by the time I give into the thought of being tired mentally or physically, I become very likely to fall asleep soon, sleep is like the thinking.

Being tired is nothing compared to sleeping.

Tired is the desire and sleep is the fulfillment.

So thoughts are like little desire bubbles, and thinking is what fills them up apposed to just letting them dicipate.

Yet even then, without self forgiveness no matter how many times I refuted the desire of thought eventually a bubble would find it's way through. Karmatically.


It opens up a lot, but critically, thinking is a good thing to address in my life right now, but the most important thing I want to carry over into tomorrow is preparation which I mentioned earlier.

I find myself in situations where I am maybe at work and am having a bad time, and I make a note of wanting to address whatever is giving me a bad time in the future so I can be prepared next time.

So it's time to pay that forward, where even though I'm trying to be more patient and not charge through my whole day, I still fall into many pitfalls I wish to prepare myself for. That will be for tomorrow.