Day 104- Warriors: Into The Wild

I started reading this series in elementary school.

I was wanting to start trying to read more or make a regular schedule to read, so I bought the first series of these books.

The first series of books is about a house kitten that is invited to join a wild cat clan, and about the struggles of the 4 different clans all trying to survive in the wilderness, sometimes fighting with other clans.

I wanted to start reading again beginning with these books because I wanted to really look into my memories and how reading these books really resonated with me.

I felt like I had purpose that I was fulfilled, I felt happy, and at peace in my imagination as I played out in my mind the stories I was reading.

I can remember a sense of being reinvigorated in life through these stories in this series, as well as some other books I also enjoined throughout my school years.

Reading and imagining the stories I was reading is one of the only things that really I can remember feeling 'whole'.

In those moments I was living in a fantasy, I was creating my reality, outside of reality.

Dreaming, fantasy, imagination, I really made out to be what defined my sense of completion, of being fulfilled.

I cannot put the whole picture together, but as I continue reading through however long it takes to finish this series, I'll be able to keep delving into my imaginations, and fantasies, and how they've built who I am to this day.

It also takes me back to some of my first experiences of depression or of apathy, kind of like the polarity of the feelings from dreaming, and reading, and imagining.

In the depression what was here was the only thing that really existed or matter, and it was not enjoyable, not something worth living for, but in my day dreams, and dreams, and fantasies, and while reading this book or other books, or even in games and movies, there was not just escape, but purpose, and meaning, and wonder, infinite pleasure.

It's not all as intimidating to look at now since having written about escape through fantasy in the past, but it's still charged up with this sad feeling like it's wrong to dream, because you can't live a dream, so it's just a delusion. This reaction of sadness that I'd rather create illusions then live what is here and have no purpose or fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for creating and living my life in a fantasy world of dreams, day dreams, fantasies, and delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my dream of reality as being bad, when what I must do is to see who I am as these dreams, and actually understand them, so the judgement is just saying that I'm wrong and have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failed human being for having spent my life creating a fallacy of what life is and what it means to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a perfect human as being and moving and living in total silence and hereness, when that is just another fallacy, because I don't know what that is in practical living and application, just as an idea.

So I just don't know what's going on at all, but I realize judgement and ridicule prevents me from comprehending or acknowledging what's going on around me so, as I move forward in my life and my process, I realize there's mistakes, and dangers, and dreams, and who knows what can happen, but it is in moments that I give to myself as these, to find ways to sit down, investigate, and forgive that I really am living fulfillment and purpose and nothing is lost in doing so, yet I gain an idea of where I stand and how to breathe and apply in the future.

I commit myself to as I continue to read my cat books, to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself judging or defining to give into dreams while reading as being wrong or bad, as I realize myself as exploring these parts of me in learning how I've created them and why and what fantasy and imagination represent to me to be written out and forgiven not for being wrong or bad, but in forgiving my relationship which I must realize for myself as standing for what's best for life or not, not in judgement but in self honesty, without fear.

I remember growing up and feeling very empty, and needing to find and have things to fill that hole within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the words empty as without meaning and purpose through out my growing up, and then lived still to this day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could have had purpose in living within oneness and equality in each breathe, as not needing to have been taught or instructed to have done so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fulfillment and purpose has been to be found outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a picture in my mind as a dream as creating a perfect picture of reality to be fulfilled, because I've judged my reality as wrong, and so create whatever takes it's place through the law of attraction within my imagination as right, when neither are what they seem to be.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself giving into the definition of right or wrong for my judgement of reality or my judgment of dreams, as I realize neither being what they appear to be on the surface, and both begin influenced by me on levels of conscience information that I am simply unable to attend to or work with in any all out practical way at this time.

I've tried suppressing my imagination while dreaming in the past, but that's just coming from the place of judging imagination as wrong, or embracing imagination as I have through spirituality as feelings as right, so in saying here to myself that everything in my life has become a dream and there's nothing I can immidetely do except to stop judging and beating myself up, and investigating what is going on and who am I going to be within the heat of it all.

So what are some words about dreaming and reading and all of that, which come to mind for me, control, infinite, creativity, spiritual, feelings.

Most of my memories are of school, which I already mentioned just yesterday as being something I associated with restriction, suppression, subversion, meaningless, and so I tried to create the opposite of what I was going through within myself in relationship to what my life was being formed as, I was trying to give my life form, but I didn't realize that form as being the physical, as each breathe.

This opens up a massive spectrum I hadn't ever thought about like this before, it's very intimidating, but I can see how it will be very rewarding to continue perusing, and how dreams and fantasies as far as I see within myself are what make up who I am as consciences, so it'd be a very empowering point to continue investigating.