Day 106- Over Encumbered

In the video game Skyrim, there's an inventory system, where you can carry 50 times your own weight and mass in different items, all of which are existing within the neither of your 'pockets'.

You can run, jump, and perform all tasks normally until you hit a certain weight limit.

There's no gradually getting slower, you just go 1 pound over your tolerance limit and you hit a dead stop in how fast you can move and navigate the game world.

This is how I feel when the line I have drawn for how much I'm willing to deal with in my world just barely goes over the line, I totally shut down.

I can see how I appear to be in control of the situation, and everything that is out of whack within me only requires some basic address, yet I allow this time to be the last time, the final straw that broke the camels back.

It's easier to just call it quits, but it's actually harder on me, when I stop breathing and focusing and directing myself within the quantity I'm capable of, It's like I take on even more weight by just giving up when faced with too much within me for one day.

So, what do you do when you're over encumbered in skyrim?

I would maximize weight vs value, so gems being the highest value vs there small weight means they'd be the most important thing to keep, and something like an iron or leather armor would be the weakest of armors in the game and thus the least value per their weight.

Next what do you do?

You finish whatever quest or adventure you're on and go to the vendor and sell all your stuff for gold.

This applies a lot to me feeling over loaded/ over encumbered, where I say this thing just broke by back I cannot function any longer, and I can address this in both redefining how much I can take on within my world, or managing the value vs reality of whatever it is I'm dealing with, where I can cross reference with how things seem to be in reality vs how I've made things out to be in my mind, and let go accordingly until I'm in a place where I can better function, and then once I have an opportunity to do so, write out the point.

I'm upset over things which I can see based on reality, and how reality seems to be existing to the best of my ability to assess, including all of my reference points from logic, intuity, gut feeling, how things usually happen, how I predict things to be happening, how things relate to me creating my own reality in self honesty, looking from all the different possible ways I can, everything seems absolutely fine, so why do I still allow things to get spun out of proportion, because they could be as bad as I imagine in theory.

So because this could theoretically be a bad or dangerous situation, that's where I draw the line.

I think about how I've been into conspiracy theorists, with reptilians, aliens, wolf men, flat earth, hollow earth, dome earth, government corruption, and how all it took was the right person saying things just the right way, and I was living in completely different reality.

It's like I want to believe things are as I imagine them to be, the reality of things becomes harder to face, when really it should be easier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in my imagination of what is occurring in reality when I think about what is going on in my world, as preimpose images onto what is here, and thus see a made up world outside of myself given more value than what I can tell is happening based on my more effective abilities of analyzing my reality, like my breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create reality out to be something more extreme or crazy than it really is, as a scapegoat to let my mind run rampant, as a way to give up when things get too hard. When the going get's tough.

So I could be doing really well for myself if I just faced reality one breathe at a time, what about giving up, and giving in to illusion is so appealing.

The very idea of just being able to give up is an illusion, like my life is Skyrim, and I can just turn the game off, and just give up on it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the illusion of being able to give up when things get too hard for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the illusion that I can just give up at any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can give up when things get too overwhelming, because that would be better than having to go on living what reality has come to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define giving into the illusion as better than facing reality when giving into the illusion only makes things worse.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when I give up on myself, I allow things to become worse for myself, as I allow myself to become so shocked and overwhelmed that I am thrust into action from the deepest instinctual part of myself.

The adrenaline rush when you snap, when you've had enough, that's what giving up is.

It's just like the driving off a cliff metaphor, I'm too tired to stop myself from driving off this cliff, so some kind of fear, or anxiety, or illusion better jolt me into action.

Giving up is like saying I need to be jolted back into reality, I need to see something so shocking that I'm willing to do what is required of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be shocked and shaken to wake up to my reality, when I could simply direct myself to see what is occurring, and what needs to be done in single breathe, and move myself infinity.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself desiring or giving into 'giving up', as I realize giving up as being me needing to be shocked throughout my system to be reasserted into reality, as I realize myself as being able to make things easier on me by not requiring to be shocked and traumatized to simply see what needs to be done in a single breathe, and act as myself, as life.