Day 105- Warriors Part 2

I got to one of the big pinnacle parts of my book that I remembered from reading when I was younger.

The main cat is offered to leave his life as a house cat and join the warrior cat clan called ThunderClan.

So, Rusty the 'KittyPet' has to say goodbye to his closest friend from one of the other 'twoleg' houses, and it was still really sad, but not as big of an interval within the story as I remembered it, but Smudge the friend, does return later on in the book, in another sad scene where Smudge cannot recognize Rusty from how much he has changed since being a warrior wild cat.

This scene made me remember how I used to experience emotion with less judgement, I was more able to experience emotion such as sadness of  Rusty giving up his life of complacency to become a feral cat, yet also losing his owners, and his closest friend in the process.

I think about how I'm less emotional now, but in a way, I'm just as emotional as ever, simply not in touch with my emotions, more numb to that kind of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate becoming numb to feelings and emotions as having come to terms or decided where I stand.

I have changed where I stand within emotion, where I was more saddened by reading about Rusty losing his closest friend and having to say goodbye when I was in elementary school, then I was to my father's death 2 years ago.

I think about the words growing up, you grow out of your emotions and feelings, yet that isn't true they just change, systematically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the shedding of emotions and feelings as you get older as being a part of growing up, when I can now see how this is a defensive mechanism, to blend in within the system, without revealing your inner colors/flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define emotions and feelings as being my true expression, as if in growing up I have lost myself, when this also isn't true, and I know myself now in better ways, as well as having developed worse habits and behaviors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having lost a part of myself in becoming numb to my experience of emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cling onto how I experience things more lively in the past, where I can see that there was a reason that my sensation of emotions and feelings feel away, where I was overstimulated and over my head drowning in emotional and feelings.

I'm able to make decisions and act with more clarity, but now that I have been forced to change because of my relationship to emotions and feelings, I am left living with the development misalignment of suppression.

Not depression, I don't get depressed, I have fun, and express myself constantly.

I'm not carrying depression from my growing up, I'm carrying the same emotions and feelings I ever was, but separated from there source even further. I pushed away what was me pushing away who I was.

I suppressed my suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress how I feel, when this is out of judgement and not me acting on discipline, principle, or understanding of myself as a creator.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having failed as a creator, when I create every single moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through judgement of having failed as a creator because I could not max out my desire for fantasy any further, and had to slowly swallow my pride and let go of certain illusions, yet I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let go without actually letting go through self forgiveness where I swallowed my pride yet never digested it, never regurgitated it, never let it lose it's form and be reinvented, as pride in space and time and fantasy, lived for real, in a good way, in a loving way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself through the shock of emotion and feeling addiction, where I have never really changed who I am and where u stand as emotions and feelings, and am left living the life of someone who cannot control there own destiny, because they are forced to repeat the last until not changed but resolved for real.

It was sad to see Rusty saying goodbye to Smudge, it was hard to let go of there relationship, yet it was exciting to see Rusty embracing his dream of being a wild cat free to be himself in nature. So it was a double edged sword, there was no right or wrong, just the polarity of separation, and in this case it's hard to say that it is even consequential for if Rusty should have left or stayed.

I wish Rusty had stayed at his home to see his friend's, but he only had one chance, he followed his heart.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself following my heart as I realize my heart being abused by my addiction to emotions and feelings, and thus having lost sight of how to live when what's right and wrong is based on how I feel, where I can believe I should kill myself if I should feel bad as depressed, and thus allow my heart to be a cop out, when I'm the one who placed this pressure on my heart to begin with, and had already made the decision before it appeared in real time, based on emotions and feelings and how I learnt to express them from within myself.