Day 220- Hard Spot to Reach

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Often times, I breathe, and I experience that I have taken a deep breathe, a full breathe, a direct breathe, then many more of those breathes, I'm moving myself I'm directing everything that stands in opposition to me as directing myself, I'm totally completely moved by and as myself in all ways... But then i realize something is very wrong, I'm fucked, because there's a spot I'm not reaching, and then I see it's not just a spot it's many spots, and then I see I'm hardly directing any of myself but foe the most surface level, and even that is a mess.

Because when I walked alone, directing myself in each breathe for many years after giving up on writing self forgiveness, and being a part of the group as a whole, I was alone, and had nothing to question that I was perfectly directing myself in each breathe, always just an inch away from total self mastery, always so close to success, 'this time I'm going to make', every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have not been directive within and as myself, but to the smallest extent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm not powerful, because I can hardly direct even the littlest part of myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to direct myself in relationship to challenges in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my grasp and capacity to direct myself in relationship to all things in my life by letting go of my idea of perfection within self direction, as I realize I can't even perfect what little I have to direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my grasp and comprehension of how to be self directive, to myself myself and correct myself in each breathe out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the challenges that come with being directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how lost I get when I give myself no proper direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself when I grow tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being tired and still having to direct myself as having no choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to call things off when I get in over my head, and only having myself left to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be humbled by being able to find myself in moments where I realize I have no choice but to do what's best and direct myself to be my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate that realizing the only choice is to do what's best for life puts me in the best position to be able to comfortably and effectively direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider how im feeling when things get rough, as I realize I would not want to be in any one else's shoes when things get rough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself considering only how I feel, and instead of considering what's best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that 'when I miss a spot', within my breathing, and there's something out of reach, it means something is very out of reach, and something is very wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to direct everything from a point of total perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with as embracing my problems and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to direct myself in each breathe without taking all of my problems and misalignment's into account.

When and as I see parts of myself I cannot direct in each breathe, as parts of myself that are out of reach, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's nothing out of reach for me, but when I create walls within myself, thusly, I commit myself to take down the walls within myself as embracing my limitations and misalignment's and problems in each breathe.

I take a walk, and sit back to let things sink in, and that movement, my mind is drawn to the movement within me, the movement I'm trapped with.

The energy moving within me in each breathe, of which will take a very long time to walk out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I'm trapped directing an energy within myself of which i can do nothing about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my ability to direct this energy effectively is out of reach, and all I can do is manage the surface level like everything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living with this energy moving within myself for years and yet still not having figured out how to direct it as my self in living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to perfectly direct this movement within myself instead of just doing my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to fully comprehend or direct this energy moving within myself instead of just trying my best to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my best efforts at directing this energy moving within myself as being not good enough despite being the best I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my best not being good enough, because in theory I can always do a little better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold theories over me as how I should live and be apposed to breathe and working with what is here and real, where doing my best is something I realize for myself to give to myself.

When and as I see myself judging how I direct the energy moving within myself as not good enough, I stop, I breathe, I realize in theory I can always do better, but here in each breathe my limitations have become more then theories as how I've shared my very being, thusly, I commit myself to become and live the theory of realizing my best despite the barriers I've created within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can see what I could be within myself and my living, yet cannot reach it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see what I could be, yet not bring it into manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to roll over and die instead of doing anything it takes to bring my best potential into practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive I must give up to reach my best potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I must face to become living my best potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I will suffer to become my best potential as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place myself on the path of becoming the best I can no matter what happens.

I commit myself to maintain the path of becoming the best I can as a living being to stand and support what's best for all of life as one and equal, no matter what happens, for the rest of my life, even if I give up, I commit myself to not give myself the choice to give up, I commit myself to not let my mind make my decisions, leaving me as who I am in each breathe to be left to make the decision to maintain my course and direction.

When and as I see myself fearing how difficutl it will be to reach my best potential, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I just commit myself to not give myself a choice but to do anything else but what's best, by stopping all separation and leaving me in a position where I can see what's real, then I will make the best choice for life as life, thusly, I commit myself to not give myself a choice but to do what's best for life by breathing and acting as a living being as living words and principles.

Day 219- 'This Time Will Be It!', Everytime.

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It's always this time.

This time is always it.

This time I'm going to get things right.

This time I'm going to commit.

This time I'm going to improve.

This time I won't look back.

Everytime.

Everytime to the point that 'this time will be it', becomes a redundant statement, it becomes meaningless, but I still believe it, even though I've forgiven myself in relationship to this point, but that doesn't matter too much because I can't depend on my memory of what I've forgiven, which is something I'm pretty good at, realizing results speak for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment right now, because in this very moment I'm very positive that this time will be it, the moment in my lifetime where I can get over the hump and grander the forward momentum I've been striving for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my positive feeling about this time being right despite all the times I've said that phrase within myself and failed thousands of times surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative emotion or dread, where I feel like I'm sure that this time will have flaws just like ever other time.

I have to remember how scared I get sometimes, how possessed by energy I get sometimes, because 'this is going to be the time', is such a good intended statement within myself, but why i make this statement so much within myself, is because of how scared I am that this won't be the time, and I'm going to get dragged through hell some way or another within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself this is going to be the time, because I want to believe I don't have to go to hell again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dragging myself through hell again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the word hell and everything attached to it within my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pray I won't have to relive hell within myself one more time, instead of actually doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no matter what pace I push myself within self forgiveness, it will never be enough to prevent myself from having to drug myself through hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embrace bringing hell into my life through negligence because I've come to terms with that behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to my own terms of hell Everytime I say this time will be it, when there's not a chance in hell that this time is going to be the time I stop going to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to drag other's down into hell with me, when I'm going through hell as energy abuse enslavement, and say to myself, directed at others, 'go to hell', I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it's bad enough what I've done to myself, and that I don't need to invoke others to put themselves through the time trap that I'm in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a never-ending cycle of hell through energy abuse.

When and as I see myself saying this time will be it, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm invoking hell into my life, because there is no this time will be it, it either is or isn't, and if it isn't then there's unfortunately nothing that can be done, except self forgiveness, and then this time can be it, for real, thusly, I commit myself to ensure that all of my this times will be it for sure, and if it's not being proven to be for sure, I commit myself to address the misalignment before I run out of chances.

I fear running out of chances, because I just want to take it slow and easy and make mistakes and learn, and be chilled and cool and just God like in my consistency and self movement, but sometimes I have to go further then what is comfortable for me, and sometimes I rack up too much debt to take things slow within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I know I could have tried to make this time for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I know I could have tried harder and pushed myself harder somehow to have avoided consequences of failing and creating distrust within myself as being inconsistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just call myself the best, and tell myself I'm doing my best, and simply not do anything that would challenge this assumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time to pace myself through things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rushed into the next activity or event constantly, and thusly acting upon that experience of myself as making rushed and forced decisions and actions and movements within myself that I'm not comfortable with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my light at the end of the tunnel dimming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as complacent and weak for accepting a life without a light at the end, as a vacation, or a holiday, or a day off, or any amount of time to just retreat from the constant rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this time the time for real, because what's the point, 'life is hell anyways'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things are difficult, not because I can't improve myself and the state of life, but because I can't do it on the terms I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my desire for energy write the terms of how my life should go, when in reality energy as desire is just like all of the energy spectrum, where giving my life into how I desire things to be comes with regret, hate, happiness, fullfilledness, and the entire spectrum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving into my desires of how I'd like my process to be and how I'd like to walk through things on the terms of my mind as energy because I've got all the time in the world, as I realize having all the time in world is something that's been at play for long enough to start collapsing in on itself.

I can just go about things however because I've got all the time in the world.

If I had all the time in the world, why does 'this time will be it', have such urgency, such a ring to it, 'like, for real though', 'if this time isn't it, I know there'll be problems', 'but what can I do with the time I have'?

I could scream right now, just so I could remember, remember that I don't have all the time in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself to a damning standard because 'I have all the time in the world to get there'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself and my principles to an extreme standard, because I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically not want to set a high bar for myself so I won't fail, as I realize I keep failing even when I don't think there's a bar at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not manage my bar where I can set my high bar and my low bar for myself without judgement and actually work with the bars I've set with stability.

When and as I see myself being angry that I could have tried harder, I stop, I breathe, I realize no matter what bars I set for myself, there will be bars which are part of my programming, so sometimes it's better to take a step back, and look at what bars I've already installed within myself, before setting new goals and expectations for myself to work with, thusly, I commit myself to set my bars relative to the bars I've already have installed, as I realize it might seem like a very simple task is reasonable for me, but then when I look at the bar I already have based my entire existence around, I realize it's not so simple to change that kind of programmed self discipline and self expectations based on the past.

I want to end this right here, but instead I set a reasonable bar for myself by pushing myself a little harder, because I have some school work, and I want to get into my school work, but that's been a big source of conflict for me, I see the bar I could set for myself in relationship to school work, and how great it would be to achieve that bar, and then I see a little further, and I see how by the time I'm done with school work, it's off to work work, and then maybe a brief break in-between things, unless I'm really tired and then I fall back asleep, and it's this pattern, where sometimes I do things I wouldn't normally commend within myself because I grow desperate and fearful of this endless cycle, and how hard it is to claw my way out of.

I feel like I'm going to be broken one way or another, 'so why bother'.

Sometimes I make a light at the end of the tunnel for me, like watching my favorite show, or video. Then it's like I'm complete, I made it to the end, I can watch my favorite show, and don't need to have hardly anything on my mind.

Sometimes I go further then I thought possible, where I make the light as I go, the little moments of rest, of enjoyment, of intimacy, where I make the little things count, but that big reward, the break away from all of my problems, can't be forgotten until it's forgiven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a break from my problems where I can feel complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incomplete until I reach a state of mind where my problems cease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cease my problems through avoiding my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cease my problems by not addressing my problems as being problems until they become consequences, more then just problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear addressing who would I be without my favorite show, or my favorite activity, or a little cheat like a smoke, or an extra soft drink or a little break from exercising just to make me feel something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a break from everything because i want to feel something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as periodic moments of feeling like 'I am something'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by periodic moments of 'I need something'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into desiring a break away from everything so that I can become what I feel like I need, as a break.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a break, because I am a break, because I'm broken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into the idea that I'm broken when I desire and act upon needing a break from my consistency and fortitude.

When and as I see myself desiring to have a break from my problems, and to become what I desire as a good feeling of being free from problems, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've woven myself into a trap of thinking I need certain things that I actually do not need and defining myself by these needs which I don't actually need, thusly, i commit myself to redefine what I need as never needing a break, as I realize physically and mentally sometimes it's good to take a break, but that doesn't mean I need a break, and it doesn't mean I'm not limiting myself by taking a break, Thusly, I commit myself to keep pushing myself until I can do everything I actually need to do for myself and other's without ever taking a break 'because I feel like I need one', but instead because I actually need a break sometimes.

Day 218- Flip Flopping vs. Directing

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in the loop of believing that this time I'll get things right within my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just breathing and directing myself and not putting myself in a position where this time I have to get things right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I must overcome a challenge within my breathing to attain something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive and clear out whatever is forcing me to keep trying to create a perfect breathing pattern and to not let go of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek honor in  forcing myself to create a perfect breathing pattern and never letting go of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to create the perfect breathing pattern that I'm looking for as the perfect means of directing myself in each breathe.

When and as I see myself struggling to reach the perfect state of breathing and directing myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize the amount of force I have to put into trying to breathe and direct myself implies that there is a substantial amount of resistance within myself in relationship to perfectly directing myself in each breathe, thusly, I commit myself to realize myself as being able to perfectly direct myself in each breathe by just breathing and not having to apply so much energy into the act of just breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot reach my ultimate potential if I can't attain a perfect state of breathing and directing myself in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ultimate state of directing myself within each breathe as being me forcing myself to breathe as energy as directing myself through breathe as energy apposed to directing myself without force as energy from my mind within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my entire process is revolved around me getting the point of me directing myself in each breathe perfected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that directing myself in each moment as each breathe is something I can just jump into without substantial self forgiveness and application already in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to create this state of breathing and directing myself and holding onto it because I believe that's the only way I'll ever know the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the truth as separate from myself within my living where I'm actually obscuring the truth as being able to just simply be here and breathe in awareness of truth as myself.

When and as I see myself desiring to move myself to chase this perfect state of breathing and directing myself within each moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize the truth I'm trying to find by creating and living this state of existence within myself is an illusion, thusly, I commit myself to face the truth of my relationship to this energetic movement and direction of myself in each breathe without having to be there and have already completed it to know if it is something I can complete or live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend so much energy chasing down the energetic feeling of directing myself to perfection in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify chasing an energetic high within myself as being me perfecting myself within each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail within all aspects of my living if I cannot perfect myself within how I direct myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drowning within trying to direct myself within each breathe and missing the real picture of how to be living in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I've made a mistake within what I've created within me directing myself in each a breathe as I realize right or wrong it's too late to just stop what I've created moving within myself and the only choice is to proceed forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having created something within myself that I cannot turn back on and have to face the consequences of without actually knowing how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create abusive consequences when I'm facing consequences I've created for myself but do not have or am receiving the context of why things are happening or how to correct them, leading met to be unable to navigate the consequences and correct myself because I don't know what's going on within myself.

When and as I see myself fearing not being able to back out of the consequences I've created within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's no turning back now, thusly, I commit myself to be self honest about the nature of the consequence I've created in relationship to directing myself in each breathe, as I realize I can only make things better or worse for myself through self honesty.

I commit myself to break through this wall within myself limiting my capacity to direct myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying to perfect my self direction within each breathe as being misguided, as I realize I'm the only guidance I have and I don't see any other options within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a robot as having no other options to direct myself then the perfection of self direction I've created for myself in each breathe over a long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm acting without choice, as I realize I have a choice, but I realize for me in this moment what the best choice is for myself as life as odd as it appears to be from my mental perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having choices in how I direct myself as being a good thing, as I realize the times in which I've swapped between how I direct myself in each breathe have been times where I was not well within myself and my living, and the times I can see just exactly how to breathe live move and express myself and walk my process in each breathe without a doubt, have been times where I've been well and prospering within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer in the name of having a choice of how to direct myself, as I realize it's not a choice because to flip flop on how I direct myself and my living shows me I'm totally lost within my living to begin with so any form of direction would be the first step and so would all be the same, because I've reset my living each time I compromise within myself and how I direct myself.

When and as I see myself about to flip flop on how I direct myself within my living in any way, i stop, I breathe, I realize the consequences of flip flopping can be seen reflected internally and externally within my life, thusly, I commit myself to stop creating consequences I would not desire, by stopping myself from flip flopping on a moments whim where I otherwise in a better state of mind would not flip flop.

Day 217- Walking Things Out to Completion

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit who I am as what im capable as walking out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things possess me without walking them out to conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk things out to completion within each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot handle walking everything within me out in each breathe.

I forgive myseld that I have accepted and allowed myself to force things out in each breathe instead of walking them out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle my ability to walk things out completely in each breathe by trying to control things within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear where things have to go to reach completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk out as much as I can in each breathe.

When and as I see myself not bringing things to a conclusion, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's my obligation to bring things into completion, because they will not complete themselves on there own, thusly, I commit myself to bring as much as I can into conclusion in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the same limited pattern of movement within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the movement within myself into completion.

I forgive myseld that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let my body walk things out to completion.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to inhibit my body from taking charge and doing what it needs to do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto things energetically instead of letting go in forgiveness and walking things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my body to be able to walk out the energy moving within myself to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let my body express the energy moving within me the way that it needs to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk things out in silence.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking things out into silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the silence of nothing moving within myself.

When and as I see myself inhibiting my body from walking things out to completion out of fear of silence, I stop, I breathe, I realize silence is a reference point, thusly, I commit myself to let my body walk things out into silence.

Day 216- Energetic Enslavement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm not accomplishing anything if I'm not directing myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm always breathing so I'm always walking out my forgiveness in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hitting a platue where I don't feel like I have any serious things or problems to write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in just existing I'm breathing, and am walking things out and living my self forgiveness, and that I don't need any big serious points to write out to improve myself and improve life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm not hitting the right spots within myself when I just let go and let myself breathe naturally, and only direct myself when something that I clearly need to breathe through and direct comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I just let go of trying to direct myself to a certain degree that I'll let things drag on for too long and won't be as directive as I possibly could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so possessed with getting things just right within myself in each moment that I can't let go for just a moment without trying to fixate and correct every single thing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to breathe and move myself and direct myself without any direct effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm drowning in all the movement within myself where I don't know how to walk myself out of what I've created within myself as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless going through the same energetic experiences moving within myself every day and not feeling like I know what to do about them or how to write them out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how to best direct this energy within myself in a consistent manner.

When and as I see myself fearing that I'm not accomplishing anything within directing the energy moving within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize, every day I write self forgiveness bring everything within myself together into living one little bit at a time, thusly, I commit myself to remember that the progress I make within the energy moving within myself is dependent on the self forgiveness I do so that if I feel like I'd like to make more progress it means I need to make more time to do self forgiveness and to actually get into things in depth and detail.

Day 215- Energetic Transformation

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the energy moving within me put so much pressure on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express my energy differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only express energy one way in each breathe, as I've come to realize walking out this energy within myself comes down to self forgiveness and self movement, and how this energy behaves outside of that doesn't really matter, but could be supportive for a change of pace and a different perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my mind leading to resistance within myself from not having forgiven things completely.

What way can I change this energy that will support me?

Make it about release instead of pressure.

How do I change something into something else, it shouldn't be very hard because I don't have to forgive myself to change something.

I direct myself to change the energy moving within myself from putting pressure on me to releasing pressure from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore the energy moving within myself by seeing what I can change it into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this energy moving within myself and create something that I can support myself with out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not transform this energy moving within myself into something easier to walk out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inhibit my creative potential within my process, as I realize if I'm wrong I can learn from my mistakes and improve, and if I'm right I can also improve.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not improve the energy moving within myself into something that is better.

When and as I see myself getting too much pressure put on myself from the energy moving within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have the creative power to change this energy into something that will better support me, thusly, I commit myself to seek out something I can do with his energy moving within myself that will better support me and be easier to walk out for me.

What's the best way to change this energy moving within myself?

Any change would be best. Even though it's not forgiveness, it would support me in my forgiveness process, just like I can't do self forgiveness when in very very sleepy, I have to go to bed, even though no self revelation or forgiveness comes to me through sleep it is still needed.

What word can I use to change this energy within me into something that puts less pressure on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let chaotic energy run wild within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let uncontrollable energy do whatever it wants within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by this crazy energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to the point that I have energy moving within myself at all times to ensure I'm always being manipulated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with this energy instead of just letting go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate this energy to control myself instead of just letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing to be controlled by this energy moving within myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting this energy go of its duty to control me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself by letting go of this energy and letting it do whatever it would on its own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let this energy go and become whatever it would if it weren't under my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what this energy would do it become if I stopped trying to control it within directing it in each breathe, as I realize I can direct myself in each breathe without this energy.

When and as I see myself trying to control this energy without each breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize I don't need to control this energy in each breathe to walk it out, thusly I commit myself to change this energy into whatever will be easiest to change it into as I realize simply changing a part of me within energy will give me a different perspective and a break from how I've been, and then I can proceed from there by doing self forgiveness.

Day 214- Safe Passage

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Why can't I just breathe?

Breathe consistently in a normal way without having to force myself to breathe a certain way.

I made a choice about breathing, to expand my process from many years ago, but me leaving my writing and participation within the group was some of the first signs that I was becoming possessed by the process I was walking, not living the process.

To me right now I can see myself walking out this point of energy moving within myself, I could see myself starting right now and committing to walking it out through breathe by breathe until it's resolved however many days or months from now.

What I can also see happening is me getting caught up in little moments, taking a small reaction, thought, experience, perception, and holding onto it and refusing to let me just breathe and live and express myself the way I'd like to.

So if I can just clear the way a little bit maybe I can give myself safe passage to finally walk out this point of energy moving within me that has become the center of my experience
of myself for the last several years.

So I know very very much what needs to be done in these moments of getting caught up in little tiny things and detracting myself from my self direction to walk out this energy moving within myself, because I've dealt with it thousands of times over, as complicated as it sounds, and as complicated as the resolution is, it becomes not complicated at all, because it's a matter of something I've learnt through living, and reasserting myself as the living of this lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with a correct way to breathe when I loose track, focus, or assertion within my breathing and give up as though I need to start all over from scratch to build up my breathing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my breathing momentum, as I realize I can breathe in my sleep, or in a coma meaning I don't need any kind of mental momentum to simply be breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in a certain pattern and expression of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to box myself into a certain rigid pattern of breathing when my breathing shouldn't be rigid I should be taking in everything and then expelling everything in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the integrity to bounce back on track after I get derailed with a moment of experience outside of my awareness within breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed because I believe there's a single straight forward perfect track to walking out this energy within myself though breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep pushing myself over and over again when I keep getting derailed by the same point within myself over and over again, as I realize I need to be able to draw the line when I've hit a wall that requires me to take a step back, and reassess the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in believing that there's no wall I cannot breathe my way through within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it's not that there's any mental energetic experience I cannot breathe through it's that I'm not allowing myself to breathe though these moments, I'm blaming myself for not being strong enough to over power myself from not letting myself be strong enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly try to break through mental walls I create for myself within my mind, instead of just taking down the wall itself.

When and as I see myself getting caught in a loop of trying to fight my way through a mental wall the same way and failing over and over again, I stop, I breathe, I realize I made the wall, and I can simply deconstruct it until I can break though it, thusly, I commit myself to deconstruct walls within myself that are too much for me to breathe through until I reach a point of 'break through'.

When I'm not breathing as smoothly as I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when my breathing suddenly takes a complicated turn because of an extreme energetic movement within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own breathing and stability and awareness within breathe on the shift within myself as I realize that I can be totally focused and aware within each breathe and totally directing myself and stable within being here and breathing, but there will always be systems and programs that are unforgiven that I cannot attest for that will always catch me off guard, but it's in those moments of not letting myself get angry and blaming myself or the systems within me that allows me to live in forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless in the moments of a great unexpected energetic shift within myself as I realize these kinds of shifts will always be a part of my process, and if they are weaker or stronger, it's just a matter of how I respond to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energetic shifts mean I'm doing something 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energetic shifts mean I'm doing something wrong, when I'm not directly causing the energetic shifts, they're part of my programming, so I need to ask myself if I'm breathing and directing myself the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for energetic shifting when I'm doing the best that I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable and directive in moments of energetic shifting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of the energetic shifting within myself overtaking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being over taken by the energetic shifts within myself when it doesn't matter if I'm over taken, because if I become possessed and over taken by the energetic shifting or the fear of it, as long as I maintain myself and breathe and direct myself the best I can, then I will be fine.

When and as I see myself fearing I will be over taken by extreme energetic shifts within myself, I stop, i breathe, I realize it doesn't matter if I get possessed or moved by this energy shift within myself as long as I'm doing my best to remain directive and stable within my breathing, then I'm doing the best I can, thusly, I commit myself to remain directive and stable when I encounter energetic shifts within myself.

These are a couple of the bigger pitfalls I have in walking out this energy within myself in each breathe, so tomorrow I will see if writing these things out will support me to better direct myself and breathe throughout my day.

Day 213- Sweet Spot

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Breathe in, breathe out.

Nothing to think about.

Focused on breathing, being aware of what moves within my breathe, not focusing on state of mind.

Something moving, energy, feelings, misalignments, things that could be better perfected, let flow into place through breathing as living self correction through directing myself as taking authority in those moments of experience.

Physical discomforts, don't force physical discomforts to magically resolve themselves, breathe, ask what's wrong in breathe, ask what I can do to support my body in breathing, direct myself to move myself physically to support my body.

Living, share Desteni, learn, improve, explore, create, examine, investigate, support.

That's the outline for my perfect living at the moment, no thinking required, no attachment required, just to take all these things and live them.

To just take these things and find the sweet spot, not too much and not too little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I cannot find the sweet spot within my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reach the sweet spot where everything falls perfectly into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never be able to reach the sweet spot within myself in my living because I have everything aligned perfectly so there's no reason I shouldn't already be living in the sweet spot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my persistence at creating myself to reach my sweet spot in my living through struggle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reach a point of living in my sweet spot where everything is divine and perfect because I don't want to struggle in my life any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame struggle when struggle is necessary for anything in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be broken even more through struggles in life apposed to getting better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word struggle as suffering.

As I realize the way I'm twisted up, and knotted up within myself, it's going to be a struggle to untangle myself and redefine myself, but that doesn't mean I can't find a sweet spot within this untangling and redefining.

When and as I see myself seeking a sweet spot as being when I've finally untangled myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to find a sweet spot within my process of untangling myself, thusly, I commit myself to create a sweet spot within the process of untangling my separation and becoming one and equal within my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how much effort to put into each breathe as each moment of directing myself to reach and move myself within my sweet spot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear applying and testing that pressure as that effort of energy I need to put into each breathe to find my sweet spot, because I believe my sweet spot is something that should just magically occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting in the effort to find my sweet spot within my living in each breathe, because I don't want to admit that ever time I think I've got it all figured out, it always ends up falling in on itself within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a chance to find and create my sweet spot because I fear going back into that state of loss where I realize I've been mistaken and need to change something and have to face my misconceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking charge in creating and defining my sweet spot within my living, because I fear the risk of making a mistake in trying to create my sweet spot and leading myself down rabbit holes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going down rabbit holes when looking for my sweet spot within my living where I find myself thinking I've finally figured things out, just to realize it all comes collapsing in at the first sign of a real challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sweet spot within my living won't stand up against any challenges in life where I'll become compromised and compromise how I live when faced with anything that challenges how I'm living within my sweet spot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when faced with challenges in my living, as I realize no matter how perfected or flawed my means of directing myself is, me directing myself is me taking authority in my living and creating myself as living words and principles in each breathe, so to compromise how I direct myself within moments of challenge doesn't mean that how I've been directing myself has failed, it means I've failed myself to uphold what I realize works for me in my living breathing application.

When and as I see myself compromising how I'm directing myself within my sweet spot at the first sign of challenge or resistance, I stop, I breathe, I realize that when I'm directing myself within my sweet spot it's what I've defined and realized as the best most comfortable most practical means of living and expressing and moving myself through reality, so to compromise myself within that is to give up on myself in that moment of compromise, thusly, I commit myself to hold on by my teeth no matter how much my sweet spot is challenged within how I flow and move myself through my living.

Creating myself is hard.

The way that I thought things were without a doubt one minute, can change over night.

I can become more or less then I believed myself to be.

I can take chances or let things unravel on their own.

The funny things is I think taking chances is more within my sweet spot then just letting things unravel on their own.

Sometimes I can tell ahead of time when a breathing pattern or direction I'm taking within my life is going towards a certain point so then I can take a chance and try to change it before it reaches that point.

Like if I'm angry and I can see this anger is going to keep building up until it reaches a breaking point and I say or do something regrettable, I can take a chance as trying to forgive and change.

I'm now going to try to create and live my sweet spot in each breathe.

Day 212- Going Back to School

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be excited about going back to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud to go back to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view school as an adventure, because I've hated school in the past so am happy to be able to make school an adventure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to possess myself with happiness as having a change of pace in my life as going to school again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so worked up with feelings that i don't realize I'm suppressing my emotions of fear of the challenges I'll face going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I now want to go to school to improve myself that this will negate how I've always put the least amount of effort possible into my classes and home work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having free will to decide to go to school in the past as being why I didn't make the best of school, when I'm the reason I didn't makr the best of school and will continue to be the reason I don't make the best of school if I don't pull myself together and make something happen.

When and as I see myself being excited to go to school, I stop, I breathe, I realize this excitement is out of believing things will be different out of blame of why things were the way the were in the past, thusly, I commit myself to walk through school as I would anything else, as one breathe at a time, utilizing my mind to manage my activities and work and responsibility, and remaining self directive.

Now I'm hitting a wall, because I didn't even want to write about school to begin with, I don't like addressing my relationship to school, all the energy, the drive to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear utilizing my drive to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my drive to succeed as a point making me better then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as better then others for my drive to succeed, because I have an equal or greater drive to do the least amount or work possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my drive as I realize I can be incredibly lazy, or incredibly determined just as anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear driving myself as creating myself to be too much responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of seeing myself as greater then others for my ability to drive myself to give myself a reason to step down and settle for as little as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self drive as greater then others to create a competition to give myself a reason to drive myself to succeed as being to prove that I'm not the judgement of a failure but that as a succeeder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego and judgement stand in my way of doing what's best as driving myself as best I can to create something of my life on principle with integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as lacking the integrity of walking through school with purpose and drive as one and equal as life.

When and as I see myself creating drive as competition to succeed, I stop, I breathe, I realize the only competition is between me and my self imposed limitations, thusly, I commit myself to drive myself to prove my limitations as wrong and as being able to succeed despite setting myself back within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my capacity to direct myself to go through school and do my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm not going to do well because I have to be self directive  and don't have other's telling me exactly what to do and how to do it like I would at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there's a fundamental problem with how I direct myself to begin with when I experience myself needing to be directed externally to know what to do and how to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control of myself in relationship to going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directing myself as pointless since there's no one moving me to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too stubborn to take self responsibility for directing myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up out of stubbornness because I know that more will be moving within me then usual being around a lot of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on directing myself because I know that doing school work and studying takes a lot of motivation for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require motivation to direct myself through school as I realize I won't find any motivation that will suffice because I have to move myself into action for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to direct myself because I realize I'm going to have to change how I usually direct myself within my normal schedule.

When and as I see myself facing having to change how I direct myself based on having a new schedule and new responsibilities
, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to do whatever it's going to take, thusly, I commit myself to accept whatever means of directing myself will be needed to breathe and move myself through all the actions I have to take in relationship to doing well at school.

Day 211- No Choice but to Direct Myself

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I don't have any choice but to direct myself.

I can try to stop things from moving within me, but that I can only do as much as I've forgiven.

I can't just turn off everything moving within me, I have to be able to work with and direct everything moving within myself one way or another.

Even letting things occur naturally on their own within myself becomes me directing myself to let things happen naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how complicated it is to direct myself through the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the constant barrage of complications and compromise that occurs within myself constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that fearing how hard it is to direct myself and taking a submissive stance will protect me as separating me from my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect pushing my problems away to result in anything but more conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on life while I'm still alive when I try to hide from what I've created as my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make directing myself worse when I go into fear of how complicated it is to direct myself and that I have no choice but to face myself.

When and as I see myself trying to avoid directing myself within fear of how complicated it is to direct myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm going to be directed by either myself or my mind until I die so hiding from that responsibility only puts my mind in charge, thusly, I commit myself to take self responsibility for directing myself as taking charge apposed to retreating in fear of complications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing the best way to direct myself within any particular moment within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something bad will happen if I don't make the best decision in how to direct myself in any given moment within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of not directing myself within myself the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to know what is the best way to direct myself in any given moment but instead having to realize it within each breathe at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the constant pressure of having to make decisions in hoe to direct myself in each breathe where certain decisions can result in consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be alleviated form this constant responsibility, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the self responsibility of having to direct myself in each breathe to do what is best for life in each breathe as the greatest gift ever.

When and as I see myself fearing the constant responsibility of directing myself in each breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize this is not a punishment but instead an amazing gift to be receiving from myself, thusly, I commit myself to show appreciation for my gift by taking on self responsability for my gift of having no choice but to direct myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I am dealing with past programming in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot correct my past programming because it is too strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate any less then taking on my past programming in self forgiveness and correction no matter how powerful the program appears to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear as being suspended in inaction when this is just me waiting for death to deal with the programs leaving me here on earth speeding my disease whilst doing nothing to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on death to correct my programming when I have never died in this life so don't know that my programming will actually be corrected at death or not.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let death as the unknown take responsibility for what I knowingly have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hand my debt as my past into death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is any good reason to not go all out in taking self responsibility for the programming I have created through my past.

When and as I see myself not facing my past programming out of fear of it being impossible, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to face myself in this life because as far as I'm aware this is my only chance to do so, thusly, I commit myself to face my past programming in each breathe and direct myself within self forgiveness of my past programming in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thinking about how to direct myself when I'm unsure of how to direct myself as I realize thinking about how to direct myself is giving up apposed to doing anything else at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tempt myself to give up on directing myself through trying to think my way through each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving up as thinking because I can think of a solution as i realize this isn't true because there is no solution when I've already given up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just let things resolve on their own instead of giving up as thinking my way out of directing myself here in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just take a chance and be wrong within how I breathe and direct myself apposed to giving up as thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not risk my mind wandering off far off track apposed to thinking where I can breathe and take myself back in breathe if my mind wanders off, but if I've already given up as giving into thinking then it's too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge even listening to the songs as backchat playing on repeat in my head as I realize even this is a more directive action then giving up in thinking, because I can't directly stop the song in my head so being aware of it is at least doing something rather then giving up entirely in thinking.

When and as I see myself considering thinking my way through directing myself in each breathe when I'm confused or unsure, I stop, I breathe, I realize to be unsure and to make mistakes is always better then thinking my way out of the situation, as I realize thinking my way to directing myself here in each breathe is the worst way I can possibly direct myself, thusly, I commit myself to choose confusion or choose anything else within myself to direct myself in each breathe as long as it isn't thinking which is the worst of evils in terms of directing my breathe.

Day 210- Broken Human

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When I just let everything go within myself I experience myself in a state of suspension, where I feel like I'm moving around within myself and just hovering, my mind will be generally directive but will more often then not wander around a little more then I'd like, but I also feel a density a constriction in my internal movement.

So my most natural state of not directing anything within myself and just letting things play out the most fluid and natural way, feels very unnatural, feels very off.

If I focus on being directive, then I focus on breathing, but focusing on breathing becomes a very mental experience where I'm looking for my breathing and seeing it in my mind apposed to being aware of it on a physical level.

Trying to take everything within myself beyond just trying to be aware of breathing becomes a very strenuous effort, of trying to take everything I feel and everything that moves within me whatsoever and trying to direct myself in relationship to all of it all at once, inevitably falls apart because it's too complex and requires too much mental energy.

The opposite of trying to direct everything becomes trying to not direct anything, where I just let everything loose all parts of myself free to drift off unrestricted, where eventually something will come up that strikes a nerve and tenses me back up to a middle ground.

There's all of that and then everything in-between or an extension of those general experiences of me existing within my mind.

 So what about just breathing, feeling what I touch, feeling my heartbeat, my breathe, seeing what I need to do in my world, like homework or work, and doing it without anything coming up within me, what about to just have moment to sit where nothing is moving for even a moment, where I am just physically existing no more or less, beyond a doubt it's impossible from how I'm currently configured, I don't even have to be thinking, having pictures in my head, words in my head, I could sit in silence of those things, silent of emotions or feelings, and even then there's still a layer of movement within myself coming from something I'm not existing as for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself no natural state of being to fall back on where I cannot trust myself to be able to fall back on anything within myself where even my breathe is totally unreachable because of all my mental activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself no means of stopping all the separation and motion within myself and to move myself within reality instead of within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to mentally guide myself back to being here and breathing when to be here and breathing is to stop mentally doing anything so isn't really me moving myself back into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within myself as seeing how pointless things are from the perspective of my mind when this just means I need to stop my current mental configuration not that I'm failed as a living being, but failed as being a mental being in a psychical body forever limited through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it pointless to move myself back into living because something will trigger me, a thought, a word, a picture, an emotion, an experience, a personality, a perception, a personality, as I realize every time I move myself back to just being breathing and stopping my separation is me taking a stance in the world, so each time is me planting a seed which will one day grow a fruit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on moving myself back to living because I'll always fail because my mind will always get in the way until I have done enough specific and effective self forgiveness and correction application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my failures to improve, where each time I move myself here the most directive I can be based on the self forgiveness and correction I've done and everything else I've established within my living can be a step closer to perfecting myself in living.

When and as I see myself giving up on trying to find a way to move myself physically in breathing, in living and expressing based on the physical with only limited and specific mental input for specific tasks and planning, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can't give up every time I fail, because I'm going to have to keep failing so I can keep trouble shooting everything that is become separated within my living, thusly, I commit myself to work with my separation and the things that take me out of being here as lessons to be learnt that allow me to improve and become more effective in my living.

So the fact that I'm self honest that if someone were to say I'll kill you if you can't sit and be unmoved for 1 minute, not just meditating, but no feelings, no emotions, just being a physical living existing thing no more or less for just 1 minute, I would fail for even one second, I'd have no way to even try if I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more and more methods of how to be here moving myself here unmoved except for who I am as the physical when the more methods I create the less effective they all seem to become, to the point that I've come back around full circle and might as well be as capable of being here unmoved by my mind since when I started to walk my process of coming to life 6 years ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit that all the techniques I create to be here and be still are only creating more movement and more separation from the actual action of just existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there simply isn't a mental technique to being here, because a mental technique is in the mind, and to be here is to not be participating in the mind of separation, so that only leaves self forgiveness, which to me at this point is being realized, and is totally acceptable, but still requires a lot of time and effort and perseverance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating one final ultimate technique as self movement as self forgiveness, where self forgiveness and self application is my only technique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness being my only technique at being a living being not separated from life, because there are so many times and moments where I simply cannot stop what I'm doing to write and speak self forgiveness, and what about those moments?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the moments I cannot account for in self forgiveness and correction because I fear just letting those moments play out on their own and if they stick with me all day then it's a good catch and I can write it out, and if it flickers out then it was just a thought and didn't have much of a punch.

What difference does it make when I'm not standing equal to an experience or thought or anything, wither I suppress it or let it play out, letting it play out at least I'm not putting even more energy and mental effort into creating more separation, and if I can't stop it for real, no point in putting any mental effort into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop my mind from the point of separation out of fear of letting the things I'm not standing equal to just play out because my mind goes to places that make me uncomfortable, unresolved memories, feelings, emotions, people, places, things which haunt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within suppression within each moment because I fear being haunted by my mind.

When and as I see myself directing myself within suppression, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm suppressing myself because I fear being haunted by my mind, but I realize in letting my mind haunt me it's better then suppression, and allows me to see the consequences of my actions in real time, thusly, I commit myself to let my mind haunt me without responding with fear but instead letting my mind play out the things I'm not standing equal to, so I can see for myself what's standing in the way of me being here for real.

Day 209- Sleep Apathy

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear passing out and waking up feeling unrested as being my only way to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the only way I can change my sleep experience is through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a special relationship to sleep where I can will myself to have a great time sleeping that will propel me through my day, when in reality it seems like there are underlying issues that have to be addressed in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my awareness during sleep where I always pass out and the only awareness I have in sleep is a few minutes before I pass out after laying down and then during my dreams and then suddenly I'm awake and feel like I just got done exercising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I wake up feeling empty like I didn't get the sleep I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for not getting the sleep I want instead of making one of two different things happen, where I either work with the sleep capacity I have, or change how I sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with my nights rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my nights sleep when I could be satisfied with the sleep I got because I can't change what happens after I've already woken up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deeply regret waking up feeling bad when I am only making things worse.

When and as I see myself regretting failing to get the sleep I desire, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's something underlying at play where I'm not addressing my relationship to sleep very well, thusly, I commit myself to address my relationship to sleep more directly instead of going into regret which makes things worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself within the ultimatum that I either sleep well or I am going to give up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving up when I don't get the sleep that I want, as I realize this black mailing of myself only makes things worse and has yet to convince me to somehow star sleeping better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my well being hostage out of blame of not sleeping well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that sleep is a reflection of myself where if I'm not living in a way that is supporting me then why would I sleep in a way that supports me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage so I will get what I want out of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use sleep as a crutch because I don't feel like I'm capable of pushing myself through into the next day without a miracle happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view sleep as making miracles happen as giving me the strength to push through the next day when I fall asleep feeling like I cannot do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whatever happens during sleep that moves me from being unable to face the day because I don't have enough energy to being able to face the day and having enough energy occurs within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how I am able to go from having no energy to do anything to having enough energy to make it through the whole day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could mess up my ability to regenerate energy within myself without realizing it because I don't understand how I regain energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself I don't know how energy regenerates when I have some idea and have a good enough idea to have very consistent non fluctuating energy patterns on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want more control either my relationship to sleep when I have enough of a relationship as it stands and am not working with what I have.

When and as I see myself wanting more control over my relationship to sleep, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to take responsibility for the relationship I have to sleep before I can develop a new one, thusly, I commit myself to take self responsibility for my relationship to sleep by walking out my relationship to sleep in each breathe.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go to bed fearing I will wake up depressed in relationship to how I don't feel as good as I had planned to feel waking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to wake up feeling good instead or just making it happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any expectations of how I should feel waking up when my expectations seem to be based on nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations to manipulate my actions when I could instead be taking action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I'm lazy in my waking life, I'm lazy in my sleeping life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get better results from sleep but refuse to admit I need to make more of an effort to get said results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself suffer through very miserable waking up experience when all I had to do was make an effort.

I forgive myself that o have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm automatically entitled to sleeping well when I'm clearly not or else I'd be sleeping well and I'm not at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm entitled to sleep in an effort to receive the maximum amount of good sleep with the least amount of effort as I realize I need to draw the line and realize being entitled to good sleep is not worth investing into anymore.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I've put too much energy into believing
I'm entitled to sleep good without putting in any effort, as I realize things can always get worse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego stand in my way or addressing the damage I've done to live through entitlement in my life and that it's time to change before things get any worse.

When and as I see myself not wanting to let go of my entitled relationship to deserving good rest, I stop, I breathe, I realize my entitlement is my creation and is become a form of abuse as an abusive relationship, thusly, I commit myself to let go to stop things from becoming any worse then they are in relationship to sleep.

Day 208- The Wall of Self Direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle to find the best way to direct myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a right and wrong way to direct myself in each moment as each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear establishing what works best for me in each breathe to best stop my mind and move myself into physical living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to having an ultimate answer to how to walk my process in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll never find a groove within each breathe which I can situate myself and walk things out to my best efficiency without hoping around to different ways of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to how I direct myself by seeking comfort and security within myself apposed to walking things out the best way I can on principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in ways which make me comfortable as feelings apposed to what's best on principle no matter what.

So in each breathe it's become how best can I walk things out, it's how can I feel better, which is deceptive because walking things out on principle would make me feel better for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I don't direct myself to feel better in each breathe that I'll start to feel bad or feel sick or tired as I realize feelings from my mind don't matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up on feelings as I realize I'm not giving up on feelings I'm walking them as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed muself to trust feelings over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within each breathe as the desire to feel good and complete within myself instead of walking myself out as complete as who I am.

When and as I see myself directing myself to feel better apposed to directing myself on principle as however is best Instead of what is right as what makes me feel the best, I stop, I breathe, I realize I cannot trust my feelings as this way of directing myself has become a great abuse in my life, thusly, I commit myself to walk out the abuse of energy as direction by directing myself on principle as whatever best allows me to direct myself here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making more problems for myself within how I direct myself.

As I realize if I am directing myself, and utilizing self forgiveness and correction, there's no 'wrong', onky lessons I can learn and take back to self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks within myself because I define myself as being made up of a collection of right and wrong decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I direct myself within each breathe because I want to do as many right breathes as possible so I'm afraid of risking any wrong breathes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to possess myself with fear of making any move that could make my mind flare up and become worse when that's going to happen anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize going into mind possession and making things worse is part of learning how to breathe and direct myself in each moment, as it's for me a part of my process, in the same way I would open up my mind as much as I can in writing self forgiveness to dig as deep as I can into myself and what can be adressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the path of least resistance as being the best and most important path for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the resistance within me in each breathe as I realize it's there and influencing me if I face it or not, so I should face it on matter of principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in each breathe as going the path of least resistance as I realize I can't reach my greatest potential when I hide from the things standing in my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not facing resistance and taking chances within myself because 'I'll' get there eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish in not taking risks and facing resistance as I realize getting there eventually will not suffice when things are bad for me and the world around me and the most optimized path is what I should be taking, not the least resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences of wasting time going the path of least resistance.

When and as I see myself going the path of least resistance within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize there are consequences for life taking the path of least resistance and I cannot tolerate not taking a better path as the path of optimization, thusly, I commit myself to walk the path of optimization, efficiency, and precision to fix myself at the fastest rate possible.

Day 207-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using force within each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going down a rabbit hole apposed to actually accomplishing anything in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relapsing on being unsure on how to direct myself within each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how fickle I am within myself that I fall back on behaviors and patterns which I thought I had transcended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the responsibility of having to walk myself through my process where I have no one to tell me what is right or wrong or how things should be within me or how to breathe or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to carve out my own process as apposed to it being revealed to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand seperate from my process by viewing it as something to discover apposed to something I create and realize as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating myself.

When and as I see myself fearing being in a position of deciding how to breathe and move myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that there's not going to be anyone who can walk me through what's happened to me except myself, thusly, I commit myself to take full responsibility for walking myself out when I must decide how to breathe.

Day 206- Redefine Force

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using force within myself in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of using force within myself in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced to do things I don't want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can strike a balance with force within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can use force when I'm up against a wall, as I realize I'm limited by some walls in my life, like forcing myself to get up for work, or forcing myself to do homework, or to go for exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that things should happen naturally as an excuse to not use force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that things should happen naturally when it's too late for that, because as human being I have already denied my nature as life, and have no option but to use force against myself as I find myself fighting myself every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use force in my life because i have no call to action, no one telling me I need to do something in a way that move me into action, and I as comfort within my personality would rather go about things more leisurely, even though it makes things more difficult in some way.

When and as I see myself justifying not forcing myself into action because that's not how things should be, I stop, I breathe, I realize that things are not the way they should be and I have to force myself to make myself into the person I should be, thusly, I commit myself to regularly and within each breathe constantly apply force onto myself, as forcing myself to stop participation with things in my mind and forcing myself back to breathe as the physical, forcing myself to go to work, or do self forgiveness, or go to school, or chores, or anything at all.

I have defined force as bad because it's not the way things should be.

I redefine force as being the action of putting pressure on something, as I realize if I don't put pressure on myself to move and act in my world, I will not change whatsoever, so I need force, as the force as putting pressure against the walls I've built up in my mind, and putting pressure on myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to seeing myself as someone who does not deserve the honor of force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that all of my force will go to my head as a farce or a fart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will abuse my force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as I've shown I can trust myself to live the word force in my life in a way that can support life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using force within myself as living the word force when I see that it can be supportive in my living and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being sucked too deeply into the pit of force as self discipline.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to equate force to being self discipline as I realize I can force myself to do something but that doesn't mean I'm doing it in a self disciplined
way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define using force as being brutish and dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceive of pointless resistance to using force in my life out of blame and spite of having to use force within my life and things not coming to me naturally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to complicate using force as I realize how living the word force can support me in walking my process and being done with it.

When and as I see myself complicating as hesitating to use force within myself and my life, I stop, I breathe, I realize that using force within myself can support me as life so nothing else matters, thusly, I commit myself to use force within each breathe and within my living as I realize other wise I'll be lazy and won't want to do anything but the bare minimum.

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