Day 191- Playing Around With Thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cage myself within thinking as holding on an refusing to let go of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of little things like a thought or a judgement or an experience when I cling onto them by thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit there suffering by my own hands as letting myself think and dig into every little thing within me when I could just let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a choice to not think about things and think about things when it matters like going to work and scheduling and the things I do realize I can utilize precise and specific thinking to support me with.

All or nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a choice to think about a few specific things and tasks and realize the rest as trash and malice when I make it all or nothing where if I have to think at all I'm going to think about everything nonstop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my thinking when I allow my personality of all or nothing get in the way of me designing my thinking as something strictly practical and not a non stop aggressive attack on myself and everything around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop thinking all at once instead of standing equal to my thinking and walking it out and changing it in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all my problems on my restless mind instead of realizing I am the one who is restless so I'm creating restless thoughts and experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I am restless to suppress how i feel, instead of addressing how I feel.

I close my eyes and try to stop my thinking as well as not directly create any new thinking and I'm laying down with my eyes closed and I can see and hear thinking popping out of no where, full on sentences and conversations and opinions just coming out of nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a compulsive thinker.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem it normal to have to constantly wrestle with my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my compulsive thinking and backchat go unchecked because I thought I had it under-control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for having my thinking under-control instead of demanding a full on reformation of when and how to manage my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to draw the line between thinking directly and practically about things like making plans and scheduling or home work or writing for school or for my blog.

Maybe there's a math problem I need to think about, or in writing self forgiveness is a good time to think because I can directly translate that thinking to self forgiveness on the spot.

So what I'm actually dealing with is the compulsive thinking that comes out of nowhere like the song in the back of the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my thinking to be in my own voice giving my thinking even more complicity and control because I've judged thinking in my own voice as tolerable but thinking in someone else words voice and personality as paranoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being schizophrenic to have other people's voice in my head apposed to my own, as I realize remembering what someone said in their own voice, remembering a song the way it was sung is all the same, a voice in my head.

Deeper then the surface level of the sound itself, what does thinking represent, being preoccupied, being conflicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my conflict and preoccupations worse by suppressing them with thinking where I can't suppress thinking, so it's the highest on the ladder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my internal conflicts so much that they've been pushed as far away as feasibly possible to the point that thinking takes the place of actually addressing things within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my conflicts within thinking because I fear who I am as creating constant and endless conflict and war within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being bad for having conflict within myself and respond by suppressing the bad parts of myself as the conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal as conflict by simply forgiving my conflict and moving forward.

I forgive myself that  have accepted an allowed myself to think as a form of holding the conflict I create against myself.

Creating conflict for having created conflict.

Fighting conflict with thinking as more conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold anything against myself where if I want to stop being in conflict just stop creating conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate my never ending punishment of conflict within myself where I create conflict for punishment for being conflicted when I realize better then this I just need to take a stand within self forgiveness and correction.

When and as I see myself thinking, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm not facing an underlying problem or conflict within myself and instead am punishing myself by not addressing it and instead thinking, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe face my conflicts directly instead of suppressing and leading to thinking as punishment as more conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with thinking where I let it go on the back of my head and try to just focus elsewhere and ignore it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my thinking be something that has significant power over me when I give it that power when I ignore it 'because it has power'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to look away from my thinking where thinking makes me uncomfortable because my thoughts and thinking will go anywhere and I can't settle in because I don't know where my thinking will go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable with the places my thinking goes because I don't want to have to consider what it means every time my mind goes into thinking about something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my thinking power when I'm uncomfortable with where it goes in believing that wherever my mind goes in thinking holds some kind of significance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my thinking power by making it into a big deal instead of seeing what it actually represents as a reflection of my internal discontent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my internal discontent by thinking where I can be in a day dream of a haze of thoughts and can be in a dream/alternate reality where I can no longer see my discontent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my internal discontent to the point that it has to come through in thinking and daydreams where otherwise I would not notice or recognize my discontent.

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid my thinking because it makes me discontent, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm discontent within myself and my thinking and day dreams are just showing me that, thusly, I commit myself to face my discontent directly instead of trying
to look away and avoid my feelings even when they are presented directly to me in thinking and daydreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by thinking running in the back of my mind beyond my direct control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that I have given up my ability to direct my mind over time and programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at what for example songs in the back of my head or backchat means when I can't even get past the surface level of being annoyed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for skimming the surface in relationship to the thinking that happens compulsively in the back of my head when I get annoyed and refuse to even address the backchat or thinking or day dream playing in the back of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open up thinking happening compulsively in the back of my head because if it annoys me on the surface level surely it just becomes even more annoying when that doesn't even make sense to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with thinking happening compulsively in the back of my head because it makes me feel like I'm fighting against a weak part of myself, because to me it's weak that I have something that has power over me inside of my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to creating both the thing which has power over me, and the thing which is being overpowered as it's just a paradigm I've created and am fueling every time I get annoyed.

When and as I see myself fueling the paradigm of feeling oppressed by my mind as well as oppressing myself within my mind as thinking, i stop, I breathe, I realize to deal with this point and open it up I need to start on the surface by stopping being annoyed, thusly, i commit myself to stand one and equal to this paradigm of power and weakness in relationship to not being able to control my thinking as I realize I can stand equal to this because I'm creating all elements of it.

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