Day 198- Back Pain

I've never had back pain like this before, I've had some back pain from work in the past from standing up but my back got stronger over time, I have isolated a few things that could be coordinated with the pain, my new exercise routine, not getting very good sleep, the point of energy I've been writing about the past few days which I would red flags because I remember noting it might be related, some job related things, some other stuff in my process and writing, and just general stress coming out in my body, also school starting up soon.

It's definitely deep in there, but not so harsh that i really mind it too much, I just see there's more too it, I didn't fall, I didn't radically change anything in my life, I'm the contributing factor, I'm hurting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring extreme energetic abuse onto myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give my body a way to express this energy that is hurting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my bodies natural way of dealing with energy which I'm creating in my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this energy which is hurting me without even being self honest about what I'm doing to myself, where I don't even care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about how the energy I produce in my mind is too much for me to handle the way I'm living as a system and not as a living expression.

That seemed to hit the spot quite nice.

Not caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my agenda and what I want to create for myself in my mind above what will support me in my living as supporting my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be narrow sited in seeing what I immediately want in my life without considering the greater ramifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care what the repressions would be when I wanted to express energy a certain way and in assuming that it was a better of two evils as the way I've been expressing energy in my mind it seemed infallible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself to get to the end point of content and state of me expressing myself that I don't consider what lies over the hill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself in my mind as energy until I'm exhausted where I'm constantly pushing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push myself without considering where I'm pushing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk everything out as a process apposed to an end goal of getting where I want to be within myself.

When and as I see myself pushing myself towards what I want and justifying it as a better of evils, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm trying to take leaps without considering where I'll be left when I land within myself, thusly, I commit myself to not take leaps but take steps as pacing myself and not jumping myself into situations within me I'm not prepared to handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my life be a struggle and try to fix it the same way I created the problem in the first place.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to alleviate the struggles in my life by giving myself a means to cope without realizing actual forgiveness and change of what's creating me to make my life a struggle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create supplements as energetic experiences to supersede actually facing why my life is a struggle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be humble in walking out what I've done to myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy in trying to create an idea of how I see my conflict being resolved without addressing the actual conflict itself as the starting point of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act upon winning my conflict instead of realizing when I'm fighting with myself I've already lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in the hopes of being able to improve my life so that I could move froward better from it, which in a sense is what has occurred but not in the way I imagined it in my mind.

So my back pain, what I'm seeing is clearly me trying to fix a problem, without addressing how I've created the problem in the first place, which isn't a bad thing, but it not working out in my
favor, so I'm forgiving myself for acting on trying to fix without addressing why I broke it in the first place.

When and as I see myself trying to 'fix' something in my life, I stop, I breathe, I realize from what I can see it's better to address why I broke whatever needs fixing as actually forgiving myself and changing from there, apposed to changing for the sake of making my life easier, thusly, I commit myself to change through addressing why I broke thing in the first place in self forgiveness as I realize I'm more likely to make my life easier by plugging the holes instead of scooping out the water in the boat.