Day 192- State of Being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let work disrupt my natural flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to always rush through work and get done with work so I can go home and return to my preferable state of being. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things harder on myself by not allowing myself to maintain my flow, my ability to relax, my ability to be centered, my ability to breathe whither I'm at work, or school, or at home. 

I think about that feeling when I get home for the night, and it's like I'm done with work for today, 'I can relax now'.

I should be relaxed while at work, and lately everything's been more or less blending together where I don't care so much if I'm at home or at work or whatever I'm doing, it all bleeds together in a way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide my state of being as my experience of myself based on definitions as being at work or being at school or being at home or being outside. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have different experiences of myself based on definitive factors so when I'm at school I can have a special school feeling, and when I'm at work I can have a special work feeling, and when I'm at home I can have a special home feeling. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chop myself up into little pieces depending on where I am, or who I'm with, or what I'm doing, instead of just maintaining myself as here as breathing as supporting my living condition at all times. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have special feelings related to what I'm doing, or where I'm at, or what's going on around me when this separates myself further from being here with myself and supporting myself which I'm already not satisfied with how that's going. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not maintain the same experience of myself at all times where I'm here as awareness, breathing, supporting myself, managing myself effectively, but instead am chopped up into all these mind compartments. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chop myself up into mind compartments as different states of being based on external stimuli because I view it as not fair that I have to work so hard just to take care of myself and I feel like I don't want to live in a way that implies I condone the way that things are. 

The way I feel right now is how I'd like to feel all the time, I'd like this to be my basis of being, since I'm writing self forgiveness, I'm laying down, I'm at home, I have no particular over baring experience except for wanting to do other things, but besides that I'm just relaxed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weaken myself by not maintaining a consistent sate of being that isn't always shifting based on external stimuli. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put my energy and strength and channel it into giving myself a better life in being with my body and supporting myself and creating myself instead of getting bogged down by the semantics of who I am, or where I am, or what I'm doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to power through my compartmentalization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle through my dimensional shifting within myself instead of just enforcing asserting and maintaining myself so I can make real progress within myself and actually establish myself within my living. 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the compartmentalized systems of time I've created, where I'm existing within how much time I have before work, or how much time I have left at work, or how much time I have left to write. 

It's always a matter of how much time do I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and define myself experience based on how much time I have left for any given activity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as one and equal to time as working with time effectively. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I'm able to stand and express myself within stability and support within my being where I'm constantly fighting and in conflict with not having enough time, or having too little time. 

When and as I see myself shifting within my being as how I experience myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize the feeling of pressure right before I go to work, or the feeling of pressure to get out of work for example, is not an expression of me being here living my life, it's me being chopped up and diluted within my mind, thusly, I commit myself to not allow myself to shift my state of being based on external stimuli in each breathe I support myself to be here where I can direct myself unmoved, I also commit myself to investigate what kinds of emotions and feelings and ideas are all contributing to me being chopped up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with the experience of waiting, where I'm always waiting to go to work, or waiting to get out of work, where I'm always just trying to push myself through this interval to eventually be done with it all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the state of being of waiting instead of creating myself, or relaxing, or enjoying myself or having fun. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in refusing to do anything but wait for things to improve on their own, hopefully once I'm done with this interval. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live interval by interval of events and activities and defining my state of being accordingly instead of creating a fulfilling and enjoyable existence for myself in each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in essence emotionally be hoping as being emotionally desperate that if I can just manage my cards right then I can just wait out the storm and everything will gradually get better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed in the sate of waiting out of hope that things will gradually become better the longer I wait, when in reality things seem to just degrade worse and worse until I assert myself and make the best of things instead of just waiting. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face the reality of me creating my own pain and suffering and that the longer I wait around without moving myself into action the longer and worse my pain and suffering grows. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask the reality of me being the creater of pain and suffering within my life when I'm not being self honest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not self honestly address that I create my own misery within my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around waiting for salvation without self honestly addressing that I've created the hell that requires me to salvage through salvation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a hell for myself by waiting around because I'm too stubborn on a personal level. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait around for salvation out of sheer spite towards myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful that I have to be who I am and can't have a life better suited for me in all ways. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and equal to creating the best suited life and situation for all of life equally as one and equal to myself. 

I see a lot of deeply seated emotions, and a few things coming up that make sense of certain things, like why am I not getting better in relationship to this or that, and then I realize it's because I'm not taking responsibility for my role in making things to a point that they require to get better, for having made things bad in the first place. 

When and as I see myself waiting for salvation, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm waiting because I'm not standing one and equal to creating my personal hell that requires salvation from, thusly, I commit myself to stand as one and equal to being the creater of my own hell in each breathe so that I can actually move myself into change and action by taking self responsibility for having created all of my problems and mental illnesses in the first place.

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