Day 214- Safe Passage

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Why can't I just breathe?

Breathe consistently in a normal way without having to force myself to breathe a certain way.

I made a choice about breathing, to expand my process from many years ago, but me leaving my writing and participation within the group was some of the first signs that I was becoming possessed by the process I was walking, not living the process.

To me right now I can see myself walking out this point of energy moving within myself, I could see myself starting right now and committing to walking it out through breathe by breathe until it's resolved however many days or months from now.

What I can also see happening is me getting caught up in little moments, taking a small reaction, thought, experience, perception, and holding onto it and refusing to let me just breathe and live and express myself the way I'd like to.

So if I can just clear the way a little bit maybe I can give myself safe passage to finally walk out this point of energy moving within me that has become the center of my experience
of myself for the last several years.

So I know very very much what needs to be done in these moments of getting caught up in little tiny things and detracting myself from my self direction to walk out this energy moving within myself, because I've dealt with it thousands of times over, as complicated as it sounds, and as complicated as the resolution is, it becomes not complicated at all, because it's a matter of something I've learnt through living, and reasserting myself as the living of this lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with a correct way to breathe when I loose track, focus, or assertion within my breathing and give up as though I need to start all over from scratch to build up my breathing momentum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my breathing momentum, as I realize I can breathe in my sleep, or in a coma meaning I don't need any kind of mental momentum to simply be breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in a certain pattern and expression of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to box myself into a certain rigid pattern of breathing when my breathing shouldn't be rigid I should be taking in everything and then expelling everything in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the integrity to bounce back on track after I get derailed with a moment of experience outside of my awareness within breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting derailed because I believe there's a single straight forward perfect track to walking out this energy within myself though breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep pushing myself over and over again when I keep getting derailed by the same point within myself over and over again, as I realize I need to be able to draw the line when I've hit a wall that requires me to take a step back, and reassess the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in believing that there's no wall I cannot breathe my way through within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it's not that there's any mental energetic experience I cannot breathe through it's that I'm not allowing myself to breathe though these moments, I'm blaming myself for not being strong enough to over power myself from not letting myself be strong enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly try to break through mental walls I create for myself within my mind, instead of just taking down the wall itself.

When and as I see myself getting caught in a loop of trying to fight my way through a mental wall the same way and failing over and over again, I stop, I breathe, I realize I made the wall, and I can simply deconstruct it until I can break though it, thusly, I commit myself to deconstruct walls within myself that are too much for me to breathe through until I reach a point of 'break through'.

When I'm not breathing as smoothly as I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when my breathing suddenly takes a complicated turn because of an extreme energetic movement within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own breathing and stability and awareness within breathe on the shift within myself as I realize that I can be totally focused and aware within each breathe and totally directing myself and stable within being here and breathing, but there will always be systems and programs that are unforgiven that I cannot attest for that will always catch me off guard, but it's in those moments of not letting myself get angry and blaming myself or the systems within me that allows me to live in forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless in the moments of a great unexpected energetic shift within myself as I realize these kinds of shifts will always be a part of my process, and if they are weaker or stronger, it's just a matter of how I respond to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energetic shifts mean I'm doing something 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energetic shifts mean I'm doing something wrong, when I'm not directly causing the energetic shifts, they're part of my programming, so I need to ask myself if I'm breathing and directing myself the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for energetic shifting when I'm doing the best that I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable and directive in moments of energetic shifting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of the energetic shifting within myself overtaking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being over taken by the energetic shifts within myself when it doesn't matter if I'm over taken, because if I become possessed and over taken by the energetic shifting or the fear of it, as long as I maintain myself and breathe and direct myself the best I can, then I will be fine.

When and as I see myself fearing I will be over taken by extreme energetic shifts within myself, I stop, i breathe, I realize it doesn't matter if I get possessed or moved by this energy shift within myself as long as I'm doing my best to remain directive and stable within my breathing, then I'm doing the best I can, thusly, I commit myself to remain directive and stable when I encounter energetic shifts within myself.

These are a couple of the bigger pitfalls I have in walking out this energy within myself in each breathe, so tomorrow I will see if writing these things out will support me to better direct myself and breathe throughout my day.