Day 263- sounding out self forgiveness for tiredness

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I feel tired, why do I feel so tired?

What's making me feel tired?

I will try to sound it out slowly in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired where it's all too hard for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired where I don't think I can make it any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my strength to push forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have dealt with this point of feeling defeated before and yet I still have to keep going deeper into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I've never faced my tiredness and the feeling like I won't make it with such clarity ever before where I have so little else on my mind that I'm able to totally focus on my tiredness as the constant feeling of having to fight uphill just to keep going another day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my opprituinuty of clarity to face my tiredness and the feeling of not making it any further where I fear something will come up and my opprituinuty will be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize the quiet clarity to push forward and face the deep seated point of feeling too tired to keep going too tired to snap out of my own tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience
of tiredness bring too deep within me to be able to shake it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the tiredness catch up to me instead of pushing through it and redefining myself in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no matter how i approach things I'm always going to fall into the state of great tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let tiredness sweep over me where I can't stand up from my tiredness and change mysekf to not be tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself out of my tiredness where I don't believe that I'm string enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have the potential to step out of my tiredness and will have to endure it longer before I can figure out how to resolve it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the tiredness and let my body correct it where I don't trust myself as my body to correct my tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the tiredness weighing on me is too much for me to carry and step out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get caught up in tiredness where I know I'm strong enough to step out of the tiredness and to stop being tired all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear im not string enough to face each day without feeling crippled by tiredness and feeling like I can't keep going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my tiredness where I don't know how to consciencely stop the tiredness and step out of it where I'm sure it's physically possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of tiredness as being beyond what I am limited to as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to limit myself to not being able to step out of tiredness where I see myself as being limited to tiredness where I can't realize myself as being strong enough as who I am to step out of this constant feeling of being too tired to keep going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am the one dragging myself through each day tired and not feeling like I can make it any longer because I am looking at it from logic where it wouldn't make logical sense to let myself be misrable and tired if I didn't have to, but nothing on earth makes logical sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let not being able to see how or why im making myself so tired distract me from correcting the tiredness where I'm not accepting that I can be more then tired when I don't see that I'm making myself tired.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not step out of my tiredness where I see it as easy in my mind to just stop being tired where I don't see what I'm actually up against in each moment and each breathe having to constantly reassert myself to stop being tired and express myself in a better way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to default on tiredness where I'm not asserting myself in my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to express myself as tiredness where I don't want to be more then my mind as tiredness because I'm comfortable talking back on tiredness even though it drags me down snd makes things very hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable being in a state of misrey as toredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being tired where I don't have to push myself because it's all too hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step out of tiredness because it would be hard work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my potential to step it of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digging into myself and figuring out how to step out of my tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace self responsibility for how tired I feel all the time where I'm not realizing I'm responsible for feeling tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear tiredness finding a way to catch up to me again and inky temporarily alleviating the constant tiredness I feel for just a little while.

When and as I see myself feeling tired like I can't push through, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can push through toredness and i can step out of tiredness I just have to keep at it constantly , thus, I commit myself to constantly step out of my tiredness by putting myself in a position where I am directing myself in each breathe and not letting tiredness catch up to me.

I commit myself to notice when I become tired and not able to direct myself within my day where if I am tired right before. Bed that is OK because that's not snpvlrm as mic hbrvsude I'm going to sleep anyways, but if I'm tied throughout my day then it's s problem and I need to notice what is making me tire through my day.

Day 262- exploring self forgiveness in weird ways

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I want to be taking on direct things like scheduling, improving my words, my actions.

The moments when I need to stop myself when I'm feeding into something within myself.

Like if I'm actively feeding into a day dream and i have to directly stop it is more direct, but then say I get more consistent to the point that I stop the day dreaming before I can even consciencely see im day dreaming, so I did the self forgiveness for it the correction, then lived the entire thing by directly taking myself out of the day dream and just refocusing myself and that was the direct part, so then that happening without even thinking of not even having to any longer think to stop the day dream buy doing it without even hardly noticing so then it becomes I'm just living it, I just do it as part of myself.

So things that once I hsf to put a lot of direct effect into can become more naturally more of an expression of myself more a part of what I'm living.

Sometimes I might try something different or weird to just see what would happen, because these tools are fairly new and it's fun to see what does and doesn't work and how it all works.

As long as I'm keeping it all in balance, the direct things, and the random things just to see what happens, and just whatever as long as there's a balance where im focusing on the essentials like emotions feeling reactions braking down subconscious backchat looking at unconscious behavior and actions then it all just comes together.

So if I say something that doesn't make sense in how self forgiveness is usually applied then maybe it's just something that relates to me very specifically or maybe I'm just testing something out because it's a tool that needs to be explored a lot.

So for something weird I was planning to just work on alone, but it's also interesting maybe worth sharing.

For around a couple years I was going through a lot and just wanted to try to walk my process through breathing, through stopping everything in each breathe, I don't know what I accomplished outside of realizing the only way to walk things out for real was in words in self forgiveness, where what i was doing suddenly seemed futile without self forgiveness and correction.

But I wonder if I could take that concept I was trying to apply I each breathe and utilize self forgiveness along with it, what could i do with that?

So to take everything moving within me of my mind in each breathe, and ground it within the physical.

The idea being that nothing specific which to stop and breathe through might ever come up every so often, but to in each breathe take everything I can of my mind and ground it is basically what I tried to do for a while, but maybe with self forgiveness it can become more plausible.

So that's a weird interesting idea to apply in self forgiveness, I don't know if that means anything or if it would work, but I know what it means to me personally and how I would imagine it working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around for many breathes not doing anything in particular but waiting for a point to come up to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to wait for a point to come up within me where I know I can trigger a bunch of stuff to come up within me at any given moment I just prefer the quiet of nothing really happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the quiet of nothing particularly happening where I in this moment see I can take advantage of each breathe and in each breathe take as much as I can in a single breathe of my mind and establish myself in relationship to as much of my mind of everything moving within myself in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself instructions to be working on in each breathe where otherwise I'm just waiting for something particular to come up and sometimes lots of things come up but nothing so particular that i can really wrap myself around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself some kind of process to be walking in each breathe where I expect things to just sort out on their own and for me to just take on the big points in self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I need to direct myself to be walking things out in each breathe not just when they come up around me, but taking as much as I can in each breathe and walking it out constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to actually be able to do something in each breathe where I take everything I can from my mind and then breathe through it all and ground it and direct myself in relationship to as much as I can where I don't know if that is real or would work, but what I do realize is that it's no different then my usual resting state where nothing particular is moving within me but I can still feel a presence of energy like where I've settled energetically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my energetic resting point as being the way I'm suppose to be where I know when I'm in this state where I get home from work and I'm just resting that I can feel it's like I'm suspended in goo, like nothing really is happening, or then when I'm at work my energetic resting point is different because I'm in constant motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how used to my energetic resting point I am that I won't be able to change it into taking everything and then walking it out in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time not accomplishing anything when I could be accomplishing something in each breathe by taking as much as I can within myself and then walking it out as much as I can in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being capable of living out my idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be doing something as walking out everything I can within in each breathe where I have learnt that I'm suppose to experience myself a certain way which has never been specified in school or communication with anyone where the experience of self in each moment is usually described by emotions and feelings apposed to deeper elements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to obey my instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to follow through on my idea because I know that I don't have to because I can't make myself do anything if I decide not to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow the instructions of my idea where even if it doesn't work it's better to try then not try and be the same way i am every day instead of trying something special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted within my mind with things that are there just to distract me instead of focusing myself and my effort into taking my mind and walking it out in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired when this tiredness does not help me walk out my mind it just makes me sleepy and then I go to sleep and then I don't accomplish anything in my sleep where I could be in each breathe walking things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in focusing on things outside of myself where I could look to myself at all times and walk out as much of myself that I can in each breathe at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to have the talent to live out my new technique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value different types of technique within my process as I realize that everybody is walking their process for the first time on earth through self forgiveness and that different things should be tested and explored as different techniques.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much energy it would require to constantly be acting out my new technique as I realize that if I was living it and expressing it the way it's intended then I would have more energy because I would be living in a way where I constantly walk out my mind which is draining my energy.

When and as I see myself energetically settling into a certain suspension within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize I could be taking everything in my mind and walking it out in each breathe instead which would be better, thus, I commit myself to take everything within my mind and walk it out as much as I can whenever I see myself just suspended within an experience within myself not really accomplishing anything.

This I don't know if it will work out or not, but it's fun to test different ideas, and I can see how I might elaborate on it later on to expand the groundwork here.

This is my example of a fun idea to try out just to see what you can do.

Where it's easy to open up anxiety or stress or anger or feelings, or whatever, but it's really challenging to take on an idea that I don't know if it will actually function or not.

Day 261- what works in self forgiveness?

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I don't know what works in self forgiveness, and I don't know how it works, but it seems like it can do different things.

I don't know, i just keep picking at it, keep working on myself and just keep trying, I think it's the best thing out there, and the only thing that is relevant to the human condition.

I recently do self forgiveness like this; I say self forgiveness for something try to flesh it out get realizations, then do a correction so that I can change through a correction statement, then depending on the type of thing I'm forgiving if it's needing me to change something directly then I do that, or needing me to make some small changes like where I need to directly take responsability then I do that, but for some things I mostly just let it play out and if it plays out natrually and improve them that's good.

So for a direct example is my words, where I need to keep improving how I use my words, because I say things under my breathe, and I don't have the best consideration when I speak that I'd like to, so that's a direct example where I directly would then need to be making sure I don't speak things I don't want to be speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my words where I believe I can only speak from where im at within myself, where if I'm angry beyond being able to be diciplined in my words then I cannot help speaking out of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fight my anger where I see its better to be in extreme conflict then to speak out of anger towards myself or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's when
I say I'm beyond fighting myself to not speak my mind, 'it's your fault I've fallen to speaking my mind instead of speaking the words I'd like to speak.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's where I don't want to face how difficult it is to manage my words where I'm being accountable for everything single word I speak and everything that comes with the ramifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I talk myself into holes where I can see im unaccountable for what im saying but can't tell where I went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the past where I wouldn't even have been able to have any idea of how to be accountable for what the words I say represent and how I need to be sure I'm speaking from myself not from a point of emotion or feeling, where I know what this means to me now and i know what I need to do, and now it's just a matter of figuring out how to keep improving it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to not try with every time I speak to speak the best I can, where even if I don't think I can get it perfect doesn't mean I should just give up because it is too hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate giving up on trying to speak my words the best I can when I'm under pressure and see myself starting to falter as I realizr that's the time I change and develop myself and imrpove where I get overtaken in my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when I falter in my words where of course I'm going to faulter it's deciding to keep trying even when or after I've faulter that I can develop who I am as my words and how I learn to best speak my words.

When and as I see that I am at risk of filtering or have already filtered, I stop, I breathe, i realize in these moments where I am about to falter or have already filtered within best speaking my words is the most important Tim to not give up, thus, I commit myself to no matter how far I falter or how close I am to filtering to never give up on trying to best speak my words from myself and not from emotions and feelings and my mind where I know how to do this I just need to keep developing it and keep using moments of pressure as the best opportunities to improve.

That's a very direct example, my words cannot just come spilling out of my mouth unless I'm sedated right before or after surgery where you sat something and don't remember saying it, so that's me directly something I need to directly be in charge of.

Then for something that the direct moment is just the self forgiveness and correction and then the rest I just see if it works and then try again if it doesn't or keep improving I'd I want better results I have to think of something for that example.

So something I just let play out and see if it works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get dragged down worrying about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about things where I don't know what the right things to do is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about things where I can't help myself worrying I just have to figure out what I need to do somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the state of worry where I don't know what I need to do or what the right thing to do is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized where I don't feel like I have the skills or training to know what I need to do or what is the best decesion in certain circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn where I could put the effort to figure out what the best decesion to make is but don't want to figure things out.

I fortvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about things instead of just figuring out what I need to do and doing it.

When and as I see myself worrying about something, I stop, I breathe, I realize that instead of worrying I should just figure out what I need to do and stop victimizing myself, thus, I commit myself to figure out what needs to be done and do it when I see myself worrying, and to stop giving up and going into victimization as worry by letting go of the idea that im a victim who needs to worry about things.

Not that flushed out and actually has two parts, making the decesion or what i need to do instead of worrying and victimizing myself is direct, I directly need to figure out what needs to be done, but to stop giving into the worry itself as victimization comes with stopping myself and breathing which can be something that can just occur naturally without even thinking in a single breathe, or it might take a little effort where I need to snap myself out of the possession with a little more effort, but still has that potential element of natrually seeing what happens and just letting the statement play out on there own in some ways, but I'd still want to make an even better example of where I just let go and see how things play out.

Day 260- focusing on work

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When I have a problem, I notice I ask myself a crucial question, how much have I thought about this problem, and how much have I actually done about it?

I'm feeling tense, it's really busy at my jobs and i have to work a extra.

So I'm feeling more tense then usual, and I think I'm tense what's that about, and I realize I really don't do much towards writing or speaking about stress, i realize I'm as stressed as proportionate to how much I've written out and spoken self forgiveness for my stress.

I feel stressed physically in my back and just anxious about work, but for some reason I rather look to something else to deal with then stress that's right in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how I am physically stressed out where I'm in pain and anxious in my body and still say 'I don't have to deal with this'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my own stress and anxiety like it's not my problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to shit down when I'm stressed where I'll just speak my mind avoid facing what I need to do and just stop caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry stress around where i am not accepting myself as the creator of my stress and blaming external things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if my stress is my own creation I can just change it, but the way I get stressed out is blaming circumstances and people where I can't address mt stress when I take myself out of the equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my stress getting worse where deep down I know stress just keeps on building until it's addressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up looking at everything stressing me coming up in my mind that I don't even see how the very fact of work and being at work doing work Is stressful even though it's right in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize his I am stressed out by what's right in front of me where I'm too caught up in my own mind to see what's unfolding right in front of me and do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my stress at work compound where just being at work Is stressful and this stress slowly compounds into more specific things, where I get stressed about having to do specific tasks that I do all the time and otherwise have no problem with except my stress leeching into everything I do at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have noticed how I come how and the very way I feel of being sore and tired is coming from my own stress where I don't notice this because I'm busy looking at other things in my mind which I value more, and only when there insnt much else on my mind do I see how I haven't prioritized as well ad I could where I let my stress from work build up while I'm busy dealing with less significant points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and write about whatever I want where I'm not refining that what's best I'd to focus on where I am most of the day which is right in front of my work where I'm stressed and anxious and this should be way more of my focus to improving my relationship to work and stress from work even further.

When and as I see myself focusing on other points then what is right in front of me as work when I'm at work, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to prioritize, where even though all posts are related, I need to deal with work and stress where work and the stress of work consist of most of my entire day, so has the most meat to bite into, thus, I commit myself to when I am at work to focus on my stress, to not just get done with work to move onto other things, but to instead focus on improving myself at work, correcting my stress using work as a priority to relate my process to where having a good time at work and not being stressed out is more important then half the things I usually put my attention into.

It's a weird thought that so little of my writing is centered around work where im at work a lot, it's weird to see how unprioritized I've been in that regard, yet it's good that I reach a point where I can see, im at work a lot, I should be writing about work a lot, I'm there at work so much that most of my writing and improving should be based around being at work.

It actually really really takes me back, kind of like a epiphany, like most of my time is at work, why isn't most of my writing pertaining to stress and anxiety coming from work?

So then getting more specific, I'm there at work, where's the stress coming from? The feeling of pressure, looking at all the things I have to do and feeling overwhelmed like ' I can't do all these things.'

I get stressed from work where my mind is not really in the work, it's not really what I want to be doing, it's not really where I'd like to be, I just want to get done, I just want to be doing something else, then I finally do it all and I do something else for just a little, and then it starts all over the next day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stressed out where being at work is not where I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as being complete doing what I want to do, where deep down I don't bother making work what I want to do, because I know this doesn't address the real problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dragging my feet through work and wanting to be somewhere else doing something else as tolerable and just the way things are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that strength from work comes from doing it even though you don't want to, where you can be even stronger when you just do it regardless of wanting or not wanting anything, where stopping the wanting or not wanting out if the equation makes you even stronger in relationship to doing what you have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to somewhere else other then work where in desiring to be somewhere else I'm not facing myself and addressing my stress, I'm stressed because I want to be somewhere else, and I want to be somewhere else because I'm stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much time and energy I've spent at work wishing I was done and that I was somewhere else where I could have to just been there centered myself there and made something of that time I had at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret how I've wasted time at work where I see how much more I could be making out of work where I see that I have many times written out in relationship to work, but that in coming to certain resolutions with many of the things that distract me in my mind I can see better how I can focus and be more a part of my time at work now apposed to then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use work as an extension of myself and my process where I'm not just getting through work I'm using work as a way to perfect myself, to reflect myself in my work.

When and as I see myself wanting to be somewhere else or doing something
else then being at work, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm only postponing the problem where I'll be at work again with the same attitude and same stress unless I actively change my focus at work from getting done to using the time to look inwards and focus on myself, thus, I commit myself to notice when I become stressed at work, and to then breathe, slow down, and look to myself instead of looking to just get out and get done with my day, as I realize the days just keep building on each other the more I push myself to just get through the day and not use the day all day long to work on myself.

Day 259- in retrospection

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There are lots of things in retrospect which I did not think through.

Thinking without direction as going over the same thing over and over is one thing, but sincerely just acting on impulse and instinct without any throught or foresight has been shockingly more of a problem for me then I have ever considered.

I do these things all the time any time in the day, where I remember developing the inclination to embrace impulse and instinct, without really questioning what I was accomplishing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret being selfish as acting on impulse speaking and acting on impulse without considering myself or other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and how I act without thought where I'm afraid of the problems I've made for myself by just exsisitng without any consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how reckless I've been to just act without thought moving on impulse where I took advantage of how stable of a home I had where I could do whatever and I knew it would never catch up to me, but it does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify acting reckless and on impulse day in and day out because I've never harmed anyone never got into hard drugs any more then trying something and then immediately ditching it where I justify atleast i never for myself into any real trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify how I've allowed myself to go mad within my mind and avtjons because it was just little things not trying in school, not working, not caring, not developing anything of myself, where I see the real consequences of my actions never happened because the problem was my inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret acting wild in my mind where I would dream, i would get lost in games and media, I would eat and be lazy, where that impulse as what drive my life was to not do anything, that I didn't develop anything of my life, where I never did anything to get into any trouble or create any real problems, but u never even really tried to rise above my impulse and create something great for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I would justify living on impulse not trying not thinking just getting lost in my mind totally preoccupied away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear how I've justified my impulsive where I never made problems for real for myself or other's except on rare occasions, but that now I see the problem was never something outside of myself, the problem is within myself, within my mind as it has become and within my living within what it has become where I now I have to fight to develop dicipline, to work, to go to school, where I never throught to invest in anything long term, I invested moment to moment in my own mind and self gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret living and actinf on impulse where I never created a real character, real principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to believed that acting on impulse was stopping my mind where I didn't let my mind sway me I just acted where the impulse were from my mind, I was acting on my mind unconsciously.

When and as I see myself regretting hoe I've wasted my time acting unconsciously as impulse and instinct, I stop, I breathe, I realize in letting go of regret accepting my actions, I can see I learnt how it's easy to act in a way that shuts down the thoughts and surface kevek stiff to a degree, but that what I'm actually dealing with goes much deeper, and that I learnt this that I can see where my living went wrong ad being unconscious actions, alloes me to change, thus, when I see myself acting on impulse, I stop, I slow down, i make the decesion to direct myself instead of acting totally on impulse where I see that acting on impulse isn't going to stop the mind it's still feedinf the kind on a very deep level as unconscious, where I'm allowing my very words to feed more and more into my mind, my very actions, where instead of feeding impulse in my actions, I commit myself to see where I'm feeding impulse, and to instead feed myself as acting 'directly, as being the actor instead of acting out a script as a play, where in acting on impulse I didn't work, I didn't do good in school, I was just playing, living a character in a play.

The good thing I see, is that I choose to be impulsive because I thought I was stopping my mind, the good thing is that because I've always known it was a choice and that I was accepting that choice to be impulsive it allows an easier transition, I see why I made the choice I forgive I move on.

The problem physically is a certain kind of laziness, where I feel as though I'm being dragged to simply move, I feel weight in simple actions I moan and growl to move and act or deal with my own mind, where my actions have been so impulsive now that i don't have the energy to be as impulsive and instinctually as I did when I was younger, I now have to fight to yakr back my very movement my very breathe.

So regretting it doesn't change how it has gone so deep into my life that every breathe every thought, dream, action is weighed down by how I built myself, on impulse acting on my mind impulsively not thinking, totally vacant.

There's a reason I existed this way, I was very supressed, I was very pent up, I was very nervous with myself with other's, I was never comfortable, always on edge, with all these things, it gave way for me to just create something to deal with myself it's easier to interact with other's when you don't think you just do whatever is funny or fun, you don't rwally see how low you are when you're so caught up in the energy of the mind the energy you can create in your mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I've made such as mess of my mind that will take so long to correct where I see that to me I didn't have a choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for messing around and making such a fool of myself where I grew up desperate to find some kind of resolve to myself to my exsistance that it consumed me so much when I finally had the answer I needed the tools I needed, I was already in a lot deeper then I could have imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how there were no real answers growing up, I had to make my own person, my own ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how lost I was where until I found Desteni I didn't have any way to exist which could alleviate the burden of just exsisitng with myself and everything moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for beinf selfish for seeking outside of myself in friendships in dreams in my mind for resolution where I never knew to look inward I never thought to become something with the opprituinuty I have as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's as equal to myself judgement where I judge other's for being selfish where I got the tools at a young age, I had a good stable home and even then I made a unbelievable mess out of what could have been a simpler life for myself of better quality.

When and as I see myself angry that I've made such a mess of myself, where I'm so lost in my mind of energy that it is hard to exsist, I stop, I breathe, I realize I needed the tools and guidance I have now from the very beginning where no amount of money or stability was enough to have taught me what was going on in the world and what I needed to do, thus, when I see myself angry at what things have come to, I commit myself to face what is holding me back from changing where I can see the time and dicipline i need to have to change, so then I must act on that time and consistency and dicipline until I can resolve things with myself. Where instead of being angry that this what I have come to, instead of look and see what is it I must do, what is it holding me back, it's painful and difficult as it is for anyone else, so just focus on what I can do.

Day 258- giving up

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It's very annoying when I can see the things I'd like to improve, I can see my mistakes, I can see what I'd like to do, but it becomes a burden because everyday I wake up and go to bed seeing all the things I need to change about myself, that I want to change in myself, where my problem are, and having to bare all that weight where I know to use self forgiveness as my best tool and I make time to use it whenever I can, but there's so much to work on, and I don't always use it as much as I should, but I keep improving pushing my schedule my time my patterns, doing self forgiveness quietly to myself at work, pushing myself regularly to build and maintain a schedule that always guarantee I make time for self forgiveness outside of work and outside of just doing it when I feel like it.

The pressure of facing down constantly everything I want to improve and forgive in speaking and writing self forgiveness makes me want to give up.

Where I judge myself for wasting my life having give up in the past, yet still haven't changed where I don't let myself give up, but things get rough, and I wish it was an option sometimes, but it isn't an option, so instead I fall, where instead of giving up I fall as low as I can, I push myself to the edge forcing me as close to giving up as wishing I didn't have to walk my process as I can.

I say self forgiveness for something and then relief of that point, only for another point to immediately arise to remind me just the severity of the situation I'm in where my mind is relentless in forming fear, anxiety, anguish for any reason and in any way possible.

It's good that I don't give up, because I'd rather fall then give up, but I could be broken still, I get hit with all this stuff from my mind and I just feel like I could break at any moment, where if I won't give up then what's left is to prove it, which makes me want to give up, having to prove to myself that I won't let myself be broken by myself by my mind.

When I don't have the words, when I just can't put it together even though it's staring right at me, it's so simple, but takes so much will power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing that I can be broken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know I can be broken to the point that I cannot recover and that I cannot walk any more in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I carry too much weight that I cannot control everything I'm carrying that I can easily be caught off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of the same process every day where I'm up, I have control, and then something pops up in my mind to show me I'll never have control over my mind until I've walk out my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how slowly I improve where I know that the only change I can trust in myself is the slowest most minute change where the burden of constantly facing my mind is slowly alleviated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus my time and energy to stopping the constant conflict that comes with facing my mind as my problems constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to see through the burden of everything I carry on my mind where I know self forgiveness can fix my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing so much in my mind that I become numb and dazed unable to focus or specify my problems and what's going on, where I have to just trust myself to keep going to see what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my capacity to use the only tool I have can be broken where I lose my will, my focus, my strength and my words fall apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my burden being too great to speak to put into words where I don't know what's going on.

When and as I see myself fearing my mind coming up with problems and conflicts in any ways possible at any time at all and being over burdened up able to specify to take apart my problems, I stop, I breathe, I realize as long as I can still speak the words of self forgiveness and correction I am not broken, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself totally overwhelmed by anything and everything my mind is coming up with that I focus on speaking the words, where they don't have to be correct, or perfect, or make sense, when I'm losing my mind to everything occurring within me all I need is to keep going to take back my specificity my percecsion one word at a time.

I commit myself to remember that as long as I can still speak self forgiveness I'm not broken, that I can judge my words as being wrong or not making sense, but when I am trying to make an effort for myself that speaks for itself where I'm doing my best, from there I can improve my best.

Reflex

Reflux

Sometimes I get acid bile up in my throat that burns my throat, not rarely any more but I used to.

Reflex

Alert

It's hard to stay alert to be ready for anything, it's tiring, I stay alert with energy, where I'm not actually fully prepared for whatever.

I remember having fast reflex when I was younger.

Reflect

I would jump from person to person, keeping my reflexes alert, always ready for a new person, im still always ready for a new person, or an old person.

Things you just do, like reflex, no thinking, just quick nothing done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the reflex to be prepared for things where I want to pretend certain things won't happen, where the sun will always rise, so it's good to have a reflex to just wake up, just start the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared for things I know will happen where instead of being ready with reflex I suppress the things I know will occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no reflex when my mind comes with things I knew it would.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised when things I knew would happen catch me off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I can't direct things when I act as if I'll never haven't deal with certain things when there's no way out of the mind every thought no matter what comes back until it's resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to lose my reflex where I've been lazy not preparing for things that could have been like reflex which I could have seen coming without having to think

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when something I wasn't prepared for comes up where all I've done is thinking and no preparation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dull my reflexes with thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared where I don't bother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not stay ready and alert like a cat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my reflexes dull where I act unconsciously and not directly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated I don't have good reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my reflexes aren't good because I'm lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't act with the speed and precision I'd like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my reflex where I don't get to the root of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to drag myself back to reflex as being flexible adaptable able to just act without carrying so much weight in regard to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my life down by not doing things at a good pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am dulled by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being ready for things to speed up because i have no reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed where something in my mind can get caught up like a net where I hold myself back for one point snd don't have the reflex to just let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the reflex ability to see when I'm progressing where I go slow and don't see change where there is change which I don't reflect on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have the reflex to read a situation for what it really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i can see exactly how I've dulled my reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I'm a slow person instead of a fast reflective person.

Reflexive reflective very similar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I do things I could do if I had better living of the word reflex but cannot do because I'm fat and not reflexive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things catch up to me where I don't reflect things as reflex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause turmoil in my life where I don't reflect and don't let myself use my reflex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be reflex because I see reflex as impulsive and mindless where I can be impulsive and mindless to a good way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize being reflexive and mindless to a good way for life.

When and as I see myself not being reflexive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can be reflexive all the time to make up for how inflexible I've been, thus, I commit myself to be reflexive as much as possible to get to the bottom of why im not being reflexive so then I have something in my life to change things which I'll have to be reflexive.

I redefine reflex not as a robot running a program but me where I exist faster then my mind can catch, where something is thrown at me and I catch it without thinking without doubt I act I am reflex I live reflex the kind is not where my best reflex lies where I think and don't act and can't see myself as the actor.

Day 257- schedule

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I like being scheduled, but it's hard to keep my schedule when I make it very challenging that I want to give up, or when I don't want to push through the resistance.

Schedule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I give up on my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to face the decision to follow through or my schedule or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I see that following my schedule is the best I can be and I decide not to go for my best but betray my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good in deciding to go against my schedule where it feels good to have the weight of what I'm supposed to do lifted and being able to do something I prefer to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure when I don't keep up my schedule where I then enjoy being a failure because I don't have to keep trying and face my failing if I just am a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the definition of being a failure to ensure that I don't face why I'm not maintaining my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to call myself a failure so I won't try to keep working at my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use being a failure as an excuse.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to not go through with my schedule when I'm not in the mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to abandon my schedule without looking at what I could still do or what the problem is that I cannot commit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I did as a kid where I just wanted to do the minimum required and to get away without having to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to judge myself when I was a kid for always trying to postpone and get out of anything I had to do where within this judgement I see how it is still existing towards me in how I still try to do the bare minimum and postpone and get out of whatever I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define schedules as being a burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define schedules as the weight where I don't have time to do what I want to do and have to go do my schedule.

When and as I see myself being angry when I don't follow through on my schedule, I stop, I breathe, I realize my schedule is meant to support me, so if I don't support myself through my schedule I just need to question what's happening, thus, I commit myself to cut down on my schedule if I need to, because I see it is better to complete the schedule I have then to schedule too much and not follow through on any of it.

I redefine schedule as the best opprituinuty to spend my time planned for me.

I commit myself to support myself in remaining consistent in my plans and schedule and commitments by scheduling and committing mysekf to less rather then more when I see that it id better to complete less then take on more and become overwhelmed and totally give up on everything.

Day 226- redefine completion

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Completion

I find myself writing about points and speaking self forgiveness until a point is resolved in that it is reduced enough that it is out of my mind, for a little.

Or when I'm down to smoking just a few cigarettes a week, but don't give myself that push to completely quit.

It becomes like I loose track, I have all these things I've been working on and picking at, but I haven't seen anything through to completion.

I'll do a great job developing a new diet or exercise routine. A new ways to manage my time, but then not commit to actually totally establishing it, letting it go on for another time.

Like I have all these things I'm working on, all at once, and I can't see any of it through to a satisfying degree of completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work on many things at once to the point that I feel like it's impossible to see any one thing to completion because I'm balancing all these other things all at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that if I'm going to hold myself to taking on all these things I must hold myself to seeing them to completion, or calling some of it off.

I forgive myself that o have accepted and allowed myself to be too stubborn to admit defeat in calling something off, yet too stubborn to see any of it through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in my relationship to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand where if I'm going to do something I'm going to see it through where if I take on even more on top of it, then im going to see that through as well, instead of being like this experience of i have too much I'm trying to balance and it's wearing me down when I made the choice to take on everything that I've decided to take on in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences where I'm arrogant in stating I can handle all of this, I can do it all, all at once, in one go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things build up where I say ill deal with this another time instead of this moment where I have to time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fickle where I'll go into a relationship and see where I can go and become with this person only to jump ship and move onto another relationship never really seeing my relationships through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all there habits and rehabilitates and goals throughout my day and let them all fall apart where I take on too much to see one thing through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too pride to admit when I need to loosen one area of my life to focus on another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when I take on a goal or task but do not see it through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an all or nothing personality where this is what I'm doing and I'm seeing it through all the way or else I'm not doing it at all.

Complete compete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to complete everything all at once when I'm acting out of competition as pride, as I'm the best I can do it all, when I really can't do it all, all at once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be completely honest with myself where I make exceptions and backdoor that build up into consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I can simply look within myself and my nature of not seeing things to completion is totally obvious all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wanderer, going from place to place, person to person, idea to idea, never really getting to the meat of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander looking everywhere but not sticking anything out where I'm waiting to find that special thing that really click with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent waiting around not making my move, just wait for something to happen instead of willing myself and what I do to the point of completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself where I'm caught between either doing it all or doing none of it.

When and as I see myself frustrated that I can't do it all, all at once, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to be more practical where sometimes i might need to let go of one thing for a while so I can see another thing through to completion, thus, I commit myself to slow down when I refuse anything but taking on everything all at once, and instead look and ask myself if it is better to let loose on one tbing in my life so I can see another things through to actually completion.

I redefine completion as sometimes being better then taking on many things but not seeing them all through to and end point.

I redefine completion as to see something through to an end point.

Where sometimes if I do want to take on many things at once, at the very least I can redefine the end point, where if I want to do 10 things instead of just one thing, then maybe I have to define completion as 10 percent for each thing, where I'd I just did one thing I'd see it through to 100 percent.

Day 255- slowing down to ask questions

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My mind is always running, and I spend all this energy in my mind all day long.

And I have an idea, my mind is running with all this energy, and thoughts, and things.

Yet, I never slow down, and just ask myself, am I ok? What's going on with me? What's troubling me? Why do I feel this way? What can I do that will help me? What am i missing within myself?

Why do I run my mental programs all day long, yet never within my day ask me how am I doing? How did I get here? What's happening to me?

I just keep pushing through my mind, I keep pushing myself through my mind, 'just keep going everything is fine just keep going'

I'll find myself stressed out, anxious, bent out of shape, and won't know what the problem is until it's built up so much that I become upset and it hits me all at once.

I could have just slowed down, seen that a problem was brewing, identified it, if I just asked myself what am I creating?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to keep putting pressure on myself keep pushing through the stress, without asking why am I creating this stress?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and ask myself questions about what I'm doing and what going on throughout my day, where I get home and I'm burnt, and don't know why because I just pushed myself through it all day without slowing down to investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself like I'll mskr it if I keep pushing, without asking what I'm pushing myself to? How will pushing my self through my problems help if I don't know what my problem is? Where the stress that I push through is coming from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where my problems is coming from but that i just want to get home, to get to bed, where then maybe being at work has to do with the stress if I see being home as a place where I'm more comfortable where less problems exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and ask why am I doing things this way, why am I making this choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and ask do things really need to be this way?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not asking questions about how I'm creating my life, about what's really happening in my life where I justify that I act without question, but why not question myself?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as being above questioning of a higher caliber then needing to answer for my actio
ns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my actions and how I take them as divine and without need for question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on energy and ego where if I'm the only one who can hold myself accountable, then if I don't do that, don't ask questions don't lay attention, then i can do whatever I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know what I like and can act on what I like without question when I don't ask myself what I like it's just a program what I learnt that I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to all the energy moving within my mind, wonder where it's going what is it doing, without looking to myself seeing how it starts with me and asking myself why I do it?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify that this is who I am and this is what I do without question.

When and as I see myself upset, moved, discontent, I stop, I breathe, I realize I don't know why i am feeling this way when I experience myself in a bad way but don't know why, thus, I commit myself to slow down when I'm feeling off, bad, rushed, and ask myself in a breathe, what is wrong? Ask myself in a breathe what did I do to make things this way? Ask myself in a breathe, how can I correct my problems? Ask myself in a breathe why am I the way I am?

I commit myself to develop this good habit and apply it regularly through my day where I take s moment, not matter what I'm doing, to slow down and ask myself questions about myself, how I feel, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it.

So all these moments of stress through the day aren't just the way I am, but I'm seeing and asking why I'm stressed, why I feel the way I do.

Day 254- redefine confidence

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Where I've been trying to redefine and purify words, it was like, I don't see the results.

Then I looked at this recording from Anu, and he said that something like how living a word is like actually living it and not just an experience, that's what I interpreted him saying, but it clicked because I was thinking how do I live a word, maybe I just experience it and it's like a bubble, and that became counterintuitive like I already have enough bubble's.

So I see one thing, I remember redefining the word strength, and I saw how I lived it in being able to live the word strength when instead of getting worked up and giving up when things are hard, I'm strong I keep pushing, not always, not totally perfect, because I could use to work on if again, but in that word I remember redefining forgiving really trying, and then I see it happening, nit an experience, but something better, I can do more i keep getting stronger, it's an experience in that it is exhilarating to keep challenging myself to keep getting stronger in what I can live and become for real, not an exerleration like I'm living this word this is an exerleration feeling, but in working harder in pushing myself more physically it is intense exhilarating not from the experience of the word but form living the word, like working out, working more on myself, pushing myself into real action, that's the exhilarating part.

So here's my plan.

Let me look to myself and my experience, what's the word I could be living, anything, I let loose and see what is the word I could live.

I see posture, the way I'm lanky, the way I don't stand up straight and rise up to my full potential, to be the one walking in each step, in each movement of my fingers as I type, how I hunch over like I just want to get through this, I'm not really into this I'm hunched I'm not confident.

Confident.

Not lanky, hunched, dragging around on my god this is my life, ohh what am I doing what is wrong with me, I'm making bad decesions I'm not taking charge in me and who I am and what I am.

Confident.

Con fine ment.

'Will they like me I hope they like me, I can't be me if they don't like me, and I need to do this for them because i need them to be confident in myself and my actions and my life.'

But that's just a part of it.

I enjoy being alone, but I find myself not being confident in my aloneness like I need friends I need acceptance, I'm enjoying myself alone all the time, but I'm not confident about it.

I don't stick to my guts and say i think I'm better not participating in this group in this action, to say I realize I need to be alone right now and I'm confident in going to my corner to reflect and be alone.

Confident that in the end I have to make my own choice, in the end I have myself alone, to be confident, to do what I need to do to face myself alone.

I'm unsure of myself around other's, I'm not confident when I'm with other's, I'm confident when I'm alone.

I know I'm better off standing my ground and being alone sometimes, but I don't live that, I don't live that confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see where I shouldn't have a cigarette or have an energy drink but don't live confience in acting on my realization, and instead give up like I'd rather just have it, maybe I'll deal with these stimulus issues tomrrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident when i always need to be stimulated, I can never just be alone without some kind of electronic stimulation, some kind of buzz in sugar, caffeine, or nicotine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by feeling I need to be with other's to be fullfilled and am not living confidence by being alone, reflecting on myself, looking at my life as living confidence as not giving into that doubt, where I need other's, other's know best, I need to be subserveant to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident as holding my head up high moving myself, where I'm moving myself I'm taking action, I'm the one moving myself in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live confidence in a pure supportive way where I judge myself as a ceratin character lacking certain traits which make a confident direct person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live confidence when I look into the future and only see struggle instead of stopping living breathing trusting myself to face whatever happens when it happens as confidence in self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from my mind where I can think and plan and make it all come together, instead of being confident in myself to speak my mind in a productive manner where I don't just blurt out anything, but am willing to trust myself to say something that might not register well with everyone, that I might have doubts about but know it's what I need to do or say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence as money where I have money so I can buy my gas and food and i am going to be ok, I can just relax, instead of seeing that take the money away and my confidence is gone, and I'm gone, I'm a different person without money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident when I think about what will people think if I write this or say this instead of speaking aloud for anyone to hear without doubt or regret constantly on my mind always being pulled and shifted to say and behave a certain way when I express myself in the range of other's who might hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not having lived confidence in sticking things out with self forgiveness and creating it as my life and process where I was confident from a point of deception where I was confident I could walk my process a different way, but I should have faced self forgiveness because it was a harder way, a better way, that required more confidence then just fiddling around for several years just to realize I wasn't accomplishment anything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze up when I'm unsure of myself instead of moving, breathing, directing myself to keep living keep taking action to not get caught up in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of confidence as being macho, fake, bravado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as a form of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as a way to expand and elaborate my self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what's the point of confidence apposed to just having self trust, as I realize that confidence is a word that is lived as well as self trust so there's a reason that confidence is a word and exist in the vocabulary, but I don't feel confident about it, which is ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the usefulness and application of confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as a way to inflate ones ego in dressing and acting a certain way all inane just feeding ego as embracing ego as trust in clothing and herd mentality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I see confidence and trust as meaning very different things as much as I justify them just being the same word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much I must slow myself down to breathe and move and act in confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'll choose to make very quick decisions, very ego inconsiderate actions because they come more impulsively then to live in confidence and move myself with my best discretion in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose confidence in myself when I don't follow through with my goals and plans when I get tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as facing task and activities and responsibility and just doing it even though it seems too much just being confident that I'll find a way to make it work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as suppressing some personal doubt or insecurity when that's just one example of how confidence can be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as manipulative where confidence becomes a way to persuade people like the confident suave business man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively act from a point of not trusting myself where I'm not willing to live the confidence of going against what my mind wants me to do what my desire wants me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as being something someone does or doesn't have apposed to something someone can learn, adapt , live, create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confidence sweeping me off my feet and taking myself in the wrong direction but justifying it as that I was confident that I was right, I was confident I was doing the right thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself with the word confidence when I'm not living confidence in a way that supports me best.

When and as I see myself moving, living, acting in doubt, in my words, in my actions, in my projections of the future, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can live confidence as a form of self trust, where things might seem hard, I might be afraid, but I can have confidence that if I act, move, express, that I can cut through the illusion of fear and doubt, that I can hold my head up high, have posture, walk and move knowing that I can get where i want to go, thus, I commit myself to move with confidence where I slow down and I am the one moving myself, where I'm  confident with what I will say without planing it out, where I will face the future without projecting it as being confident that I will face whatever happens. I redefine confidence as as form of self trust, where, in my movement, my words, my decisions, my behavior, even if I don't know on a conscience level, I can still live confidence, where I can speak just speak anything without dragging it out and planning and prescribing as a form of confidence, to speak with fluidity and without doubt is a form of confidence, to move without dragging and wobbling like it's not me walking, when I could walk with confidence as this is me moving I'm taking on every single bit of movement I can for myself as confidence. I redefine confidence as me speaking for myself, acting for myself, directing for myself unfiltered from me at my core.

Day 253- what dimension needs my attention?

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What dimension of myself needs my attention?

Some times I'm totally stressed, so that needs my attention.

Sometimes I don't know what needs my attention so I just need to write something out.

Sometime I have something on my mind, maybe something I'm uncertain about, so then that's what needs my attention.

Sometime, I see a problem, like when I was starting school again, and I saw I need to make sure that I'm going to be on top of my homework and study so that needed my attention.

Sometimes I'm just off, don't know what it is but it's there, and I'm off, and that need my attention.

So right now, what dimension needs my attention?

I'm thinking pretty hard for a second there, with my hand clench beneath my chin like 'the thinker' statue, so I don't exactly know what dimension of myself it is that need my attention.

But that's the answer, where not knowing what of mysekf needs attention when there's a need for attention within myself is the problem.

The problem is I need to pay attention to a certain dimension, and I don't see what it is?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to what's wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate having such serious problems within myself and saying 'I just can't put my finger on what the problem is and I'm tired so ill just go to bed and deal with it whenever it come back.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not keep track of my problems, where im stressed all day, all day I damn well know I'm not at my best, so now sitting here, how can I tolerate not making myself my best, just because I can't put my finger on it.

It's the same when I'm going about my day, all day I know this isn't my best I don't know why, but I'm not at my best, and now to sit here when I have the time to be my best, and to just want to call it all off and go to bed is the habitual pattern of allowing myself to not strive for my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not strive to correct myself when I see all day I'm not at my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept always feeling tired and not optimized and a little off all the time as who I am as an imperfect being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept that I cannot be my best because it's out of my hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as an empty program programmed to not be at my best so that's all that I am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to all my life not have the self honesty to see that when I'm not at my best and I'm not giving my best to other's I have a problem that is serious and need serious attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not sit down with myself and give myself the serious attention I need because it's happening on another dimension of myself, it's happening in a part of myself that is out of reach, I have to just accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that at my core where I can look into mysekf and see at my core something is completely off wrong broken, and that it is ok because there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's for attention where I realize no one can see into me and my entire life and tell me what's going on and what I need to do but myself.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill the hole within me, where I eat, I distract, I dream, I work, I talk, I lie, where if this problem at the center of my being cannot be seen and cannot be fixed then I'll ignore it suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even with the time I've spent with self forgiveness with learning about how the mind works about everything, that I cannot see what is fundamentally wrong with me, where I can look into mysekf in this moment and see something is just off, something has always been just off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to demand answer to this core center of myself that just seems off where I'm not being patient putting in the time and effort and management of my life I need to get to the bottom of what's going on.

When and as I see myself being off within myself, experiencing myself as being off, I stop, I breathe, I realize to see what's going on within me I need time and patience and to give myself the attention I need, thus, I commit myself to pay attention to myself, watch what I do, what i say, what is going on within me as giving mysekf the attention I need so that when I feel off all day feel like i'm not at my best all day, I have payed attention, and can actually reach a resolution in self forgiveness and correction, and won't just dismiss the problem because I can't seem to put my finger on what it is.

This reminds me of my beingness reading, where in the center is a round red ball, and that it was supposed to represent the Draconian part of my beingness where 3 beings came together to make my being and that one of them was a Draconian and that was represented in the red circle.

It's that intense looking, like those reptilian eyes, like I'm really really looking at myself, and I don't see what is happening.

It's like my whole life I never take that hard look into myself into my core, I always just gave way to bewilderment, gave into whatever happens and whatever I became, never questioning, never paying attention, just acting, acting out, trying to claw my way out without seeing myself.

What dimension needs my attention?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I cannot face myself and what's going on within myself right this moment then it's going to come up in consequences, I'm going to feel tired, weak, off, not my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face consequences where I cannot face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to hope that one hard deep look into myself will be enough to allow me to forgive and stop having to face the consequences of never being at my best, never being all that I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my oprituinuty to face myself will slip away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear running out of chances to shift from consequence to creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i'm special and I can take a single hard look at myself and break down everything within myself when I cannot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act from the position of being able to resolve everything within me in one go, in one take, in one hard look, where in reality I have to face the consequences and just keep going day to day, writing things out one piece at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that deep hard look into myself slipping away and becoming tired, realizing I cannot face myself and my entirely in one sitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all my life I have created separation from what I'm looking for in this hard look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i have to deconstruct myself as I have created myself and cannot short cut by taking one hard look into myself, bit have to take on everything within me one word at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entitled that the answer will come to me of what's happening to me and what I need to do when I need to stop expecting an answer and start creating one.

When and as I see myself being entitled in trying to just take on everything within myself in one go, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to walk patience as deconstructing myself over time, thus, I commit myself to look at what I can comprehensively write out and correct as living patience, seeing that I cannot just go from being totally off not my best something wrong with me every day to suddenly being fixed after taking a single hard look at myself.

Day 252- is there more depth to me?

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One of the words that defined my beingness, from my beingness reading, was depth.

On a day to day basis, I in my mind see a lot of stuff moving just energy moving, I can see little habits and tidbits in my persona and personality, I can see little movements and reactions here and there, and it's constantly like where's the depth?

My depth has been anxiety and stress, where even fear, where I've been writing out and speaking out a lot of these fear, anxiety, stress stuff that is what really eats away at me, and as I clear the way, I'd imagine things will start to open up more, I'll start to find more stuff to pick at, more depth to my dimensions I live in within my mind.

 A lot of the points I deal with tend to be like, ok I'm stressed about this thing, well, stress doesn't support me to do anything, stress makes things harder, stop making things harder, stop the stress, that's the why to forgive the stress, and then I formed it for this this or this random pointless reason or character or system, where I'm lazy and don't do things on time so then get stressed out when I have to do them at the last second, but I decided to postpone it for so long.

So then it's like that's the surface level outline for a lot of things, where there will always be a need to speak it out where even if I see that's how it is speaking it out-loud will always open up more dimensions and put things in words for me to work with and word out in my living.

It's just like, I know there is more depth to my mind and my creation and that there's no way all that I can see of myself on the surface is all that there is to my mind and how I've lived and become my mind as a character.

As I reduce stress and fear and anxiety in my life, while taking on more responsibility and improvements, as I see myself slowing down and not being so quick to act out my separation or impose my separation onto other's, I can see the ground being cleared to go in deeper, to live the word depth by physically speaking and writing self forgiveness in depth, as going into deeper lengths of myself in speaking and writing as a physical living of depth, to have more depth as interaction with what I do and not just do things to get them done but to really get into the depth of the actions I take and the words I speak.

To live the word depth, I can't just get to the bottom without digging my way there and clearing the surface, so I commit myself to clear the surface and pick my way through myself as long as it takes, where I don't want to dive deep into myself where I'm not comfortable I've seen the surface levels through to completion, where I build my self trust in living and correcting surface level things, day-to-day improvement things.

I want to take a 'deep' look at what I'm trying to walk in my process right now, so on a conscience level it's like if I start day dreaming and find myself directly participating with the day dream then it's like on a conscience level stop and then breathe, same with thinking, where those are two things that can just happen, but then by not feeding into them it helps to not keep fueling them.

Then in interactions and movement speaking real world physical body stuff, it's like when I speak I want to be speaking and living a word not speaking from a feeling or emotion or preplanned conversation.

Then generally trimming away at things, little improvements pulling the weeds, like through forgiveness giving myself more energy on a physical level where I don't need to nap as much and can do more work without getting so tried.

Stopping my mind in little very tiny increments like how I don't hardly get lost in day dreams like I used to, and more aware and more focused in breathing and not distracted by energy movement.

Not beating myself up over mistakes as much, not going into emotional possessions as much, or having an easier time forgiving and breathing and getting me out of those kinds of possessions.

Forgiveness supports the body, helps with bowl movements, breathing, reduces physical tension and build up of pain and stress.

Better able to adapt and change, better all around.

Those are the goals and what happens as results of self forgiveness, so that's a deep look at the results of self forgiveness.

That's all a deep look at what I'm walking through in my process, just improvements, day-to-day just try to improve, keep applying, keep expanding, like I've noticed I can see myself at some point investing in how I speak and move where I've always been more concerned with what's moving within me, but as I keep clearing that I up I can see myself moving more into the real world in my little behaviors and mannerisms and vocals.

It just hits me like, wait, there's nothing very deep about any of this, I still don't see the depth, where's my deep secret to my nature, even my deep habit of creating and running away from consequences, seems to be as deep as I can see my nature getting on an existential level, and that's not that interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there's nothing deep and amazing as a deeply buried hidden gem to my nature to be discovered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I've seen of my nature of my mind is all there is and all that is left is to forgive and correct and live, and there won't be any great revelations, any deep realizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a hidden depth of myself, where it's like there's another part of myself I've been living but never noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in my roundup of the process I'm walking on a day-to-day level, because it seem boring, like I just keep doing the same self forgiveness for different points where's the spectacle?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that there would be a reward for deeply digging into myself over time where crazy dimensions and amazing talents and skills would be realized like I'd get to live another life once I dig in and forgive and correct myself enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth of my process as I've walked it from the beginning is all as I've seen it to be up to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in damaging myself in taking such actions as trying to walk my process in a different way without self forgiveness when I ought to have just stuck out self forgiveness from the start that I've damaged myself too much to have any interesting depth about me or cool things to correct about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process will just be a tedious process of constantly picking away at all the crap and won't have any cool exciting fun moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process from the movement of wanting to have cool awesome abilities, like the muscle twitching I get, or the movement I get in the back of my neck, or the way my stomach gurgles, which are all pretty cool abilities actually, but it's to see that I saw a problem and acted to correct that the abilities like the way my stomach gurgles and feels nice and my muscle and neck spinal fluid twitch that are nice, but not what I'm influenced to create on their own.

I definitely think there are some cool little physical things that are fun to interact with and be aware of that I could see being related to walking my process.

Just fun sheer physical body fun stuff, my stomach might just gurgle from drinking a lot of soda though, but it's still fun.

So maybe this is it, maybe there's no cool exciting thing to uncover in the depths of myself, maybe there is.

The point is I have to act on principle, where to hope that there is something special and fun to discover within myself along my mental deprogramming journey, or to hope that this is it and I don't have to worry about what could be creeping under the surface, where it's to act on principle of just continuing and moving myself in the action of self forgiveness and correction where I could fear what is lying under the surface and fear what I will realize I must do once I discover what's hidden under the surface about me, or hoping that there is something to elevate me and bring me more fun as myself in my life under the surface, I have to just move myself regardless of if the positive or negative is under the surface hidden behind all the garbage in my mind.

When and as I see myself fearing or hoping that I will discover another layer of amazing depth to myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize what I must do as taking physical action in writing and speaking self forgiveness and correction, and that whatever is laying or not laying beneath the surface doesn't change what I have to do, only distracts me, thus, I commit myself to continue to move myself into action as breathe, living interaction, and self forgiveness and correction regardless of what's laying under the surface of my mind.