Day 253- what dimension needs my attention?

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What dimension of myself needs my attention?

Some times I'm totally stressed, so that needs my attention.

Sometimes I don't know what needs my attention so I just need to write something out.

Sometime I have something on my mind, maybe something I'm uncertain about, so then that's what needs my attention.

Sometime, I see a problem, like when I was starting school again, and I saw I need to make sure that I'm going to be on top of my homework and study so that needed my attention.

Sometimes I'm just off, don't know what it is but it's there, and I'm off, and that need my attention.

So right now, what dimension needs my attention?

I'm thinking pretty hard for a second there, with my hand clench beneath my chin like 'the thinker' statue, so I don't exactly know what dimension of myself it is that need my attention.

But that's the answer, where not knowing what of mysekf needs attention when there's a need for attention within myself is the problem.

The problem is I need to pay attention to a certain dimension, and I don't see what it is?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to what's wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate having such serious problems within myself and saying 'I just can't put my finger on what the problem is and I'm tired so ill just go to bed and deal with it whenever it come back.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not keep track of my problems, where im stressed all day, all day I damn well know I'm not at my best, so now sitting here, how can I tolerate not making myself my best, just because I can't put my finger on it.

It's the same when I'm going about my day, all day I know this isn't my best I don't know why, but I'm not at my best, and now to sit here when I have the time to be my best, and to just want to call it all off and go to bed is the habitual pattern of allowing myself to not strive for my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not strive to correct myself when I see all day I'm not at my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept always feeling tired and not optimized and a little off all the time as who I am as an imperfect being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to accept that I cannot be my best because it's out of my hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as an empty program programmed to not be at my best so that's all that I am.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to all my life not have the self honesty to see that when I'm not at my best and I'm not giving my best to other's I have a problem that is serious and need serious attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not sit down with myself and give myself the serious attention I need because it's happening on another dimension of myself, it's happening in a part of myself that is out of reach, I have to just accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that at my core where I can look into mysekf and see at my core something is completely off wrong broken, and that it is ok because there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's for attention where I realize no one can see into me and my entire life and tell me what's going on and what I need to do but myself.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill the hole within me, where I eat, I distract, I dream, I work, I talk, I lie, where if this problem at the center of my being cannot be seen and cannot be fixed then I'll ignore it suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even with the time I've spent with self forgiveness with learning about how the mind works about everything, that I cannot see what is fundamentally wrong with me, where I can look into mysekf in this moment and see something is just off, something has always been just off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to demand answer to this core center of myself that just seems off where I'm not being patient putting in the time and effort and management of my life I need to get to the bottom of what's going on.

When and as I see myself being off within myself, experiencing myself as being off, I stop, I breathe, I realize to see what's going on within me I need time and patience and to give myself the attention I need, thus, I commit myself to pay attention to myself, watch what I do, what i say, what is going on within me as giving mysekf the attention I need so that when I feel off all day feel like i'm not at my best all day, I have payed attention, and can actually reach a resolution in self forgiveness and correction, and won't just dismiss the problem because I can't seem to put my finger on what it is.

This reminds me of my beingness reading, where in the center is a round red ball, and that it was supposed to represent the Draconian part of my beingness where 3 beings came together to make my being and that one of them was a Draconian and that was represented in the red circle.

It's that intense looking, like those reptilian eyes, like I'm really really looking at myself, and I don't see what is happening.

It's like my whole life I never take that hard look into myself into my core, I always just gave way to bewilderment, gave into whatever happens and whatever I became, never questioning, never paying attention, just acting, acting out, trying to claw my way out without seeing myself.

What dimension needs my attention?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I cannot face myself and what's going on within myself right this moment then it's going to come up in consequences, I'm going to feel tired, weak, off, not my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face consequences where I cannot face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to hope that one hard deep look into myself will be enough to allow me to forgive and stop having to face the consequences of never being at my best, never being all that I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my oprituinuty to face myself will slip away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear running out of chances to shift from consequence to creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i'm special and I can take a single hard look at myself and break down everything within myself when I cannot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act from the position of being able to resolve everything within me in one go, in one take, in one hard look, where in reality I have to face the consequences and just keep going day to day, writing things out one piece at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that deep hard look into myself slipping away and becoming tired, realizing I cannot face myself and my entirely in one sitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all my life I have created separation from what I'm looking for in this hard look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i have to deconstruct myself as I have created myself and cannot short cut by taking one hard look into myself, bit have to take on everything within me one word at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entitled that the answer will come to me of what's happening to me and what I need to do when I need to stop expecting an answer and start creating one.

When and as I see myself being entitled in trying to just take on everything within myself in one go, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to walk patience as deconstructing myself over time, thus, I commit myself to look at what I can comprehensively write out and correct as living patience, seeing that I cannot just go from being totally off not my best something wrong with me every day to suddenly being fixed after taking a single hard look at myself.