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I went out and rode my bike, out on a path through nature, and something snapped.
Like a puzzle piece just snapped in place, from me taking action waking up early and doing my work like I was supposed to, not perfectly, but still perfect.
I remembered something amazing.
My life has been a fantasy, I've wasted my life, I've dreamt in day dreams, in experiences, in drugs, in characters.
I've been beating myself up for leaving my process for so long (to pursue another dream, another fantasy in my mind)
Yet, besides all of that, it's amazing that I've gotten to the place I am in this moment, where I have myself in the cup of my hand, able to take all of those fantasy and forgive.
It's amazing that I'm able to despite the fear and dread of letting go, to be able to say it was all a dream, but here's what I'm going to do...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live fantasy as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting that these amazing dreams and fantasy that I have had in my head have all been lies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could have dreamt so big without realizing any consequences would unfold or matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in awe of the awesome dreams I can make that are just for me and no one else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my dreams and fantasy as that which makes me special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my real life through hell constantly pursing some dream in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I won't be able to be my utmost without my dreams and my fantasy even when as I find myself dreaming less and going into fantasy less and less and my life becoming more and more better and stable and meaningful that still just the memory of the fantasy I have lived and how I want it even still is so possessive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into other dimensions of experience in my mind when I see pictures in my head and tell myself that they are real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a powerful dreamer when I'm alone, yet when I'm with other's I dissapear, because I can't face myself as a mighty dreamer when I'm with other's, because all I can see is how vile and hateful I am when im with other's talking to other's when there's more then just me alone, I couldn't be more evil in my relationship and opinion of myself and other's.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my fantasy mind behind me in the back of my head without actually resolving the deep core part of me that wants to be special to feel special to be of another exsistance to go unchallenged and unchecked.
Fantastic see fantastic to see the fantasy.
The sea of dreams, the fan of myself, my greatest fan, willing to give me whatever dream I desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed myself whatever dream I require to keep my mind of being special and feeling that special feeling going.
When and as I see myself going into fantasy, I stop, I breathe, I realize the fantasy is my mind, thus, I commit myself to keep pushing myself only the real world where my fantasy can continue to unravel, and the truth of my nature can continue to be printed out to me and seen by me unclouded, I redefine fantasy as being an illusion of no substance, so when I see a dream, it's not real, there's nothing real about it, and there never will be, I live fantasy as a reference by seeing when I to into fantasy about something I'm living an illusion in relationship to that thing, so I live fantasy by living reality where my dreams can be checked.
I get manic thoughts and thinking sometime at work, but then I don't even remember what I was thinking about when I get home or what my thoughts were, just that they were manic and constant, and they corresponded with stress.
I was thinking about all the work I was going to get done tonight and how far I would get working so hard, and then just stressed out that I was at work and not getting to work on myself the way I wanted to, but now that I'm home how hard it will be to accomplish the work I want to tonight will be is sinking in on the other end, no longer excitement and pride, but a heavy weight tiredness, a shame that I thought it would be so easy for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had transcended in a way that I had changed somehow within myself that I could take on more then I am in strides without any heaviness or tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that I held myself on a pedestal within myself that ended up breaking of which i never needed to hold myself to I just needed to prove it in real time, and this is what I should have known would happen, but I was at work in my own bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I could give up so much of my free time to work more on myself without any resistance without having really dig into the point of pushing myself to do more and making it easy by moving myself into action through self forgiveness and correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that just because each section of self forgiveness can open up a lot of opportunity for me, it will never stand alone without going into things in great depth and detail and specificity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to expect my self forgiveness to carry me through challenges without realizing the time and application needed to secure myself in relationship to even one point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear im not strong enough to push through the resistance and accomplish my goals of the work on myself I'd like to take on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge having to take a stand and really force myself into action as being bad because 'things should just unfold naturally and without resistance'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could step into a new chapter in my life of what I'm willing to do and how hard I'm willing to work through my mind as mind over matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use mind over matter as telling myself I'm going to make it and I'll be great and this is all great, where these very thoughts and thinking were already having me fall apart at work before I even got home and the weight of what I'm trying to carry had sunk in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to limit myself to positive reinforcement as mind over matter where I did not truly trust myself to actually apply myself and price that I'm not full of hot air.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize mind of matter tactics during times of immense stress of great challenge as i realize those sre the most important times to be sticking to my guns and doing things the way I know I'm suppose to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still fall back on mind over matter technique even after spending years trying to walk my process from the point of mind over matter and accomplish nothing but create damage and consequence.
When and as I see myself trying to step up to the level I'm trying to take the time and effort I'm putting into improving myself through mind over matter tactics, I stop, I breathe, I realize mind over matter tactics can get me through a moment in time, but will come back as consequences because they are from separation, thus, I commit myself to walk myself into the level of application I've seen I'm capable of by just doing it in silence and as a statement of myself and what I'm capable of without falling back on mental tactics where I require none.
So tired, I'm more tired then I normally am at this time of the night, and what I see is causing that is what normally pushes me through my self forgiveness and correction writing is getting done, so I can do fun stuff, but tonight I don't plan to do anything but writing as a challenge for myself, but then there's no fun stuff to get done for, there's no sense of urgency to get done, so I just breathe in a deep yawn and it's like I'm not going anywhere so I'm just settling in, but I'm also getting very tired, where sleep itself replaces my normal fun activity I would be doing on a night like this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender to sleep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to wanting to just go to work because that's more fun because at least they play the radio there and there's people to talk to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender to wanting to see my friend in a few days.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to seek an engagement in the future which I can look forward to and take myself out of the reality that is today, as the work I'm doing today as well as in this moment of writing.
In devoting a whole day to writing and nothing else between just one shift at work, it's opening up the point that when I sit down and write it's like i want to just get it done so I can go do something else, but when i say this is my life for today and just keep writing in my journal exercise go to work keep writing online, it's like there's no reason to rush because I have no where to go so I imagine places to go even if it's work or an event several days from now, anything so u don't have to see how horrible it is to work on myself without incentive without reward outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness from the position of being rewarded by just getting it done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid brutal self honesty and self forgiveness by having no where to go and nothing to do bit to make sure I'm digging in and correcting the best I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face doing self forgiveness as a point of resistance so much that I leave it for extended periods of time and when I do do it, it's like let me get done so I can move on to the next fun thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to needing a point of fun to incentive me to do self forgiveness when I'm not working toward living fun, fun just becomes a postponement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fulfill myself with fun as filling the longing i seek, which is for me to have in the self forgiveness and correction of which I'm avoiding to have fun, so again scooping out the water without plugging the hole.
When and as I see myself tensing up and rushing my self forgiveness, I stop, I breathe, I realize the fun I'm trying to get to is no over there but here in living fun as living words through my writing , thus, I commit myself to slow down while writing to check mysekf to make sure that I do not distract myself with fun outside of myself here in my forgiveness and correction...
If I'm not working towards becoming the being I'd like to be by now, what can be done for anyone, if I at my age and with my privilege, my stability, my opprituinuty can't do this, then u don't deserve life and I cannot be trusted with life, and I am going to die selfish.
There it is, immediate gratification, the moment I finished the correction and follow up statement, immediate, like it was hiding in the shadow waiting to come out, the experience, 'done', 'I'm done', 'what now?', then I remember, I'm not done for tonight at the very least there is no done, no deception of being done, the fake relief of being done, so I go again.
Done
When will I be done, done with the pain, dine with the suffering, done with the energy and mental discourse.
Done when I die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough to be done when I die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as too deceptive, to selfish to ever walk something through to such an extent that the only way to finish is to die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to postpone the immense challenge of walking my process out until it's done at death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as good enough to rise to challenge of walking till death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by walking my process until death when it's not a mental thing, it's just writing and correcting and living and applying until I die, the ultimate point of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone walking my process until death when the process is life itself and death is the end point the sum of my process, so the more I postpone my life to get closer to death the more I cease to exist, the harder the walk to death is.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking process until death when I'm already walking to death process just gives me a chance to have a good life, to do something worth my time while I have the chance to be here as this body.
When and as I see myself reacting with fear and living the fest by avoiding my process, I stop, I breathe, I realize my life is the process so if I fear death then why draw it nearer by wasting my time until then not applying myself, thus, I commit myself to fill my life the best I can by optimizing my writing to be the most and best I can do, to apply myself the most optimized I can.
A little calmer this time, but again, what now? I'm not dead yet, I could do it again, but for what?
I can't trust myself to always walk with a potential audience, it's time to walk alone for now...
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