Day- 353- Catfish

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting catfished on the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people messing with me on the internet with fake profiles. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge tricking someone on the internet as being something that puts you in a position of blame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to humble myself to getting fooled by someone on the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I thought was real that I was expereinving talking to someone on the internet was all fake. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed that someone would mess with me on the internet for not good reason. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for someone who would catfish me on the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone who would catfish me on the internet as less then myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I can relate to the nerve of messing with other people out of selfishenss in myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the fantasy I was presented through someone on the internet was actually never real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to continue with my life in a much harsher reality then the nice reality I was presneted thorugh the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone else on the internet when I built up my own fantasies assuming I'd be able to actualize them at some point without considering my accountability to fantasy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting catfished on the internet being a rude wake up to what reality really is. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like getting catfished was a big deal when it didn't affect me in any way but positivey helping me to face myself in a new way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i"m beyond getting catfished on the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i'm too clever to be fooled by someone on the internet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel confused that the person on the internet seemed to be real and came at the good time for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed discoering that the person on the itnernet was not who they appeared to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that I thought I could have the relationship I always wanted but it was not a real person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing when such an oppritunity for myself will ever come again to be in the relationship I'd like to have with someone else. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed having to go back to working up my relationship with myself alone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally attach myself to the fantasy of being in relationship with another person. 

WHen and as I see myself feeling depressed about getting catfished on the internet by a fake profile, I stop, I breathe, I realize that reacting to a situation doeesn't mean that things are actually bad or hopeless but that I'm not directing myself and creating myself from within the situation to make the best of things due to instead reacting, thus, I commit myself to breathe, and to keep working on my self growth in process regarldess of if people on the internet are who they say they are or not. 

I commit myself to stop depending my development on being in a great relationship with someone else. 

Day 352

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine things beyond the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to figure things out beyond what's in front of me in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing all my ideas about things beyond what's in front of me in my eyes and mind as having nothign to do with what's really going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferiror to things beyond my mind and eyes/vision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel infeiror to things beyond my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about things beyond my immidete awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel qurious of things beyond my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feear missing out on something if I only work with what's in my immidete awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm not correct in my living in terms of dimensions occuring out of my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to compete with things which exsist out of my immidete awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things out of my awareness catching me off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape to palces outside of my actual breathing awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel infeiror to what other people are capable of beyond my own awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I need to be aware of things beyond my current awareness for my own development.

When and as I see myself imagining things beyond my awareness, I stop, I breathe, I realize that projecting what is happening outside of what I'm aware is happening in my world and universse and exsistace is not supporting me for my personal goals and development, thus, I commit myself to breathe and to not project imagination and ideas about what's occuring beyond my awareness.

I commit myself to shape and create understanding of what is happeing outside of my awareness without projecting images, opinions, and personal ideas about it.

I commit myself to check and question my concepts of what is happeing outside of my awarness to make sure I'm not drifting off into my own imagination projections about reality.

Day 351- control

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to convince myself I have too much to sort out, out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I have too much to sort out based on a reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go from thinking I have everything sorted out to thinking I've got nothing sorted out based on fear reacrions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel like I am in total control of everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I've lost control to manage Everything when I go into an negative emotional state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I'll regain my sense of control over everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get arragant that I've got everything figured out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I don't regain my sense of control over everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my external world is controlled by my internal world.

I commit myself to breathe when I feel out of control.

I commit myself to breathe when I feel in control.

Day 350 - Friends

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cutting people out of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people taking it personally if I just want to be alone to focus on my life and writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for desiring to abandon relationships with people to be alone to focus on what matters most for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret making friends out of self intrest for influence and stature to be cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the consquences of making friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself down through forming relationships that abuse and don't respect me thorugh my allowance of the relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret every friendship I've ever made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use friends as a game of image and ideas of who I am and others are bred through the friendships I've made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire friendships to feel cool and liked and accepted where I didn't give myself a higher purpose with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek friendships as a mean of surviving within my own ego and self value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created disgusting hateful friendships with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking myself up just to fall back on friendships again not willing to hold my ground and be clear on what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my friends take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I'm responsabile to be there as a friend for anyone outside of where I draw my lines of what I accept of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand against friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let abusive friendships drag out for years allowing friendship to become my worst most self destructive pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed for letting myself be taken advantage of and self destructed through friendships which I ultimately rarely ever actually cared for the people I've assossiated with individually only caring about who I am seen as by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never learned every single time any friendship I've had fell through as if it never mattered or became a conflicted desolve of the friendship turning into the polarity as enemies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgraced by ever having made any friendships except for a handful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life will ultimately be destroied through my patterns of friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dissolved friendships will be my undoing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friends turning on me for taking a stand in creating higher standards for what I tolerate in a friendship or assossiation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather let my standard of what I allow of a friend to lessen rather then cut myself out of the relationship all together to play it safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reckeless in my allowance of relationshiops and friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the loss of integrity I've allowed through my participation in relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ruin my life in the outflows of my selfish relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of facing in the open my self intrest in terms of every friendship i've ever cultivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry it's too late to just forgive myself where I've already created consquences through every single friend I've had through my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I can't respect myself for having turned away from friendships and just having focused on actualizing my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk with the consquences of my friendships through the rest of my exsistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear it's too late to change who I am in relationship to friendships having dragged out the pattern so much thorugh my whole life being my worst self abusing pattern.

When and as I see myself fearing to take a real stand for what I accept and allow through friendships assossiations relationships, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I don't have to exsplain myself to ending any relationship except in my mind out of fear, thus, I commit myself to redefine my acceptance and allowance in friendships.

I commit myself to hold a higher standard of assossiating only with people willing to consistently walk process, or through a buisness or dating relationship, or through being related through family.

Day 349- Under the covers

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself out listening to this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I listened to this album of covers and didn't feel what I wanted to experience from listening to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get energetically pumped up listening to this album to propel me forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be moved deeply by this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I listened to this cover album and it didn't excite me like it had in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke cigarettes to get me more primed to be charged up upon listening to this song to put me in the right place to be moved listening to this album and have big expereinces to feel moved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated I can't move myself the way I've felt moved in the past listening to this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get more cigarettes and go back to the spots I've been moved by this song before and to recreate the scenario where I had enjoyable expereinces listening to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about my relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supressing my desires to listen to this album and have expereinces to then find another energetic crutch to replace the addicitn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just give in to trying to be moved by this music again to not have to dig through my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how drained I am in relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate only being motivated to deal with my relationship to this album because i don't see myself being able to drain any more energy from listening to it consistently and reliably.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive this album is bad for it being something I use to manipulate myself with emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my relationship to this album is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take this situation and turn it into something good for me as something that supports me in my living and without leaving any need for the songs themselves energetically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel life is better when listeing to these songs when the life feeling better came from inside not from the songs but from the songs as inside a part of me as myself as the sound of the song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the idea of life being uplifting and full of good expereinces as a being a deceptive idea that can't be actualized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my desires for life to be fun and joyful as being a deception and that life should be empty and cold and cruel calculating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the hope and belief of what life could be when I listen to this album and other songs too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my conceptions of what is possible in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this album as a crutch to make me feel the expereince all that I'd like life to be at all times ever exspanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my conceptions of what I'd like life to be instead of facing them directly and actually coming to real terms with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life can't be joyful and ever exspanding in enjoyment and pleasure of exsisting.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive the expereinces of joy and hopefulness of what life can be through this album, I stop, I breathe, I realize that whatever the truth of what can be for life is I have to face directly and will never truly come to terms with if I just keep brining out these feelings in this music but never face the underlying point of contention and conflict, thus, I commit myself to breathe to write out and face the points of hopefullness of what life could be which I see in these expereinces listening to this song and to accept whatever comes out in time of if something better sustainable as lifving experession could come out instead of needing to listen to this song to have this feeling and there being nothing else outside of that moment of listening as nothing to actually live express and sustain in a way that works and is healthy for life.

Day 348- Fantasy/Day dreaming

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted day dreaming as a part of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give fantastic value to my day dreaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use day dreaming to escape from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give day dreaming fantasies value over my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my day dreams believing I was tapped into done other world or dimsion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fred into my day dreaming so much that I didn't even see just being here in silence as ever possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to warp my perceptions of reality with day dreaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am here as life with day dreaming fantasy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made imagintion the point of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nose my purpose in life to escape into imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminsh my real living creative potential through imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself value through my own imagination of fantasy world and images conjured in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my fantasy world's are real and relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find no purpose for myself but to be duped into fantasy cult of my own imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selifsh giving myself only the purpose but to feed my self interest in imagination denying what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how debilitated I am in functioning and working with what is real die to my imagination addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to outsmart life by fueling my own idea of reality as fantasy mind images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doom myself to a fantasy life in my head without any substance to back it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush to dissaossiate myself with my fantasy world pushing myself too hard in my living in the past over working myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how far I would have taken my fantasy imagintion through spirituality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior now believing I've conqured my fantasy imagation when it's still a deep part of my mind until I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when my fantasy world clashes with reality and I'm put out unable to cope with what's real having invested too Mich in falsehood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to build myself up in my ego in other ways to supress how Mich I've given up to my imagintion over time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm tapped into something bigger then myself through my imagintion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my fantasy day dreams allowed me to see more of exsistance then what's here which everyone can agree on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in special due to my own imagination worlds and fantasy where I'm more then what I am as a human

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that a fantasy life isn't what I really wanted for myself because I only could live that life by half assinf through school and not applying myself to anything where now I'd like to be able to apply myself to things.

When and as I see myself regretting ruining my life though feeding into my imagintion in spirituality instead of working with what's real, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I still have to spend the rest of my life trying to change myself within this point focusing on real living and application, thus, I commit myself to breathe and to work with what I need to do to change within my mistake.

I commit myself to focus on breathing being aware and directive in my breathe in each breathe where within this i can't go into fantasy or spiritual experiences and must face what's here

Day 347- missing my dad

Desteni.org

I don't write about my dad passing that much, I took a lot of pride in my will to just move on without being phased by his death despite growing up with him and him being there my whole life.

Around the time of his passing I remember when I would talk about it, it was like there was a point of 'feel sympathy for me', even though I wasn't very upset I remember even talking about his death in a grim voice like trying to make it seem like it was more then what it meant to me.

That was about all the impact of his death and then my relationship to it was just using it to manipulate others to feel bad for me just because without a goal behind it just seeing it as something that empowered me gave me character in the eyes of others, which is an entire point to write out a really twisted thing to have done in my words in my relationship to others.

But I'm just remembering that point right now, but the point I want to work on is how when my mom will talk about dads passing, it will remind me of it, where if she didn't speak about it so often I'd not really remember, but sometimes in those moment of her talking about him, I'll remember him, and then when I remember him I'm shocked, because when I really remember him, I remember his as such a good person, I remember him as having such a unquie expression, being such an individual, such a caring person, such humor, and then there's like a little blink of sadness, like feeling a little sick for just a moment realizing who I've lost not in my relationship to him but in what relationship I could have had with him maybe, like I wish that guy had lived longer her was really intresting and unquie, I wish I'd gotten to know him better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I remember who my dad was on a deep level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not getting closer to my dad while he was alive where in retrospect I remember just how much depth there was too him that I wish I could have gotten to know him closer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that he died, like 'that was my dad, that's not fair that my dads dead, I wanted him to stay alive, he's mine'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as selfish for not caring about such a unquie person who could have been so good for me in my life to have passed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not getting to have gotten closer to my dad when I made my choice for how to spend my time and my focus and I got what I deserved out of it as nothing but consquences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an idiot for missing out on getting to know my dad where if I had just sorted my own shit out sooner I'd have been in the postion I am in now, where now, I'd have loved to have my dad around and would have appreciated him much better now then before.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just Define it as fate that I was at where I was at in my process that I was so isolated and compromised that I didn't even notice as my dad was swept up from under my feet and dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that such a great person died when I remember my dad when everyone dies, and it's not like being a good person means you don't have to face death, which he did even face in a kind of dignity from remembering how quiet and peaceful he was about dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my dads death for my own agenda like becoming a character within it like, 'wow I really just don't care, I'm very indiffrent, very powerful in just being so selfish to not care about anything.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad in self intrest that I didn't get to know my dad better where,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret realizing how special and unquie a person my dad was until after he is gone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my dad as special as being a unquie person where he seemed diffrent he seemed to stand out from anyone else I've ever known in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that the world had lost his unqiue expression when being a unquie person doesn't really matter at this point in time when things need to start changing it doesn't really matter if unquie people exist or not unless theyre unquie and standing out in making a good change in themselves and others which I do think my dad did because he was a very good father in some ways, but in other ways he could have taught me more dicipline and not been so laze fair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possive over my dad like that's mine, that was my dad, I owned that dad, it was my friend, my buddy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my dad as my best friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted in sadness that I'll never find a friend as good as my dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go out of control after my dad died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotionally out of contorl after my dad passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have my dad back to be able to build upon myself through him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have no direction without my dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've lost something in my dad dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad such a happy person has died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments when he was dying and he was no longer the happy person he used to be in those moments but was drained of his character like he wasn't himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss having such a happy person around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry seeing such a happy person get tortured by disease for over a year being stripped of their happieness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel horrified of the evil being done onto a good innocent happy man as I saw my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume all these things of my dad as a good happy person when I only saw things from my limited end and don't really know who he was in his depth where I know there was a lot of depth to him and know that his happy persona was only one part of him, where I know he had a grim serious side to him as well, which was pretty cool to see how he could swtich around like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that I wish I could go back and be with him again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I can't appreciate him like I did when I was younger anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I didn't appreciate my dad in the last few years of his life where I stopped going out and playing tennis with him like I used to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not playing tennis with him the last few years of his life because I was so isolated and in my own head and not involed with the world around me in a dark part of my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad died because of me because he was such a family person that maybe I killed him, mabye he got sick because he saw me drifting away and just gave up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for being selfish that even if it wouldn't have saved his life I wish I'd not have been so selfish and isolated in my own bubble to at least have spent better quality of time with him when even the times we had together I was so bubbled in my own fantasy world that I wasn't great compony.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my dad because he made a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am not sad about my dad passing because I don't think about it and it doesn't come to mind where right now I'm getting a little sad it's just a very burried emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I'm resolved in relationship to my dad based on surface evidence not really digging int deep like right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss going on vacaction with my dad where he loved getting to take me and mom out on vacation and he worked very hard and seemed to desrve it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncontrolable sadness remembering my dad like there's nothing in me that has the will power or grip to be able to take on those memories of him head on, where they just don't come up on their own and don't bother me unless I really directly gaze into them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unresolved in relationship to my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about my dad then other people equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must have some special release for such a special pesron when people die all the time I just don't see them special like my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate over this point of my dad being special when whatever was special about him being diffrent and unquie he was still one and equal to anyone else, whatever it was I saw in him I could realize it in myself by simply being able to see it in him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my dad as special in selfishness the same way I see myself as special in selifhly valuing things of myself over others, and so doing the same to my dad, and so then feeling I've lost a special part of myself in my dad better then everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at how stupid the entire situation of his death was, that I see it as if he should have just held out a little bit longer and then maybe he'd have gotten better as I've gotten better in my own internal issues.

When and as I see myself feeling sad about my dads death remembering his unquie expression, I stop, I breathe, I realize that him having a special unquie expression that really stood out from anyone else doesn't make him less or more then one and equal just diffrent but still equal, the same way a cat and a dog or both unquie in being diffrent from each other but one and equal in substance, thus, I commit myself to breathe, and to relax not obsessing over my memories of him but also not supressing them just letting them all ride out letting them flow the same way that I remember my dad having a flow about him.

I commit myself to stop obsessing over how horrible it was that my dad died as seeing him as special, as I realize his death was equal to every other being who dies every day, and I sinserely am just holding onto him in sadness because I've judged him as special somehow.

Day 346- adrenaline junkies

Desteni.org

I climbed up a little hill and was sitting on a cliff, it was not very high I'd probably be ok even to jump off it unless I landed wrong, but I wasn't even close to the edge, but it still made me nervous just that if I stumbled off somehow and landed poorly I'd be in trouble.

I wrote out about my nervousness of being on the cliff and how the fear of falling is what would make me more likely to fall out of fear itself, where the safest choice would be to not go into fear because fear can throw off your balance and prevent you from acting properly which is like an analogy for fear in any situation, fear always compromise the best action to be made.

I wrote out that part in self forgiveness, but then thought about people who enjoy not just being on a cliff, but on the edge of a cliff, and a very higher one then I was near.

I remembered a point of how I've grown disdain for people who do parkour jumping from roof to roof, or messing around on high places, and doing those adrenaline hunting activities.

I remember always disliking even skateboarding which I saw as really dangerous.

I used to think some videos of people climbing up high places without protective gear as maybe cool at some point, but can remember slowly finding a sense of maturity like they shouldn't be doing that, I don't think it's cool they're doing that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies as stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as superior to adrenaline junkies like 'I would never put myself in that danger'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate adrenaline junkies thinking 'why would you risk throwing your life away like that'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to adrenaline junkies thinking of how upset my mom would be if she knew I was doing something dangerous like they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies as not being brought up properly where maybe there moms would enjoy seeing them doing stunts until one went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hearing about the times where things go wrong with adrenaline junkies where a stunt goes bad and they die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about adrenaline junkies when I see them in videos or images

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as better then adrenaline junkies because I don't risk hurting myself falling off of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies even though I relate to them in saying things about living on the edge to find yourself where they must be so focused in that moment that they're almost walking there own process with there bodies in that moment of balance in dangerous places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies as going about finding themselves all wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why I dislike adreanline junkies so specifically more then anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take adreanline junkies choices to do dangerous activies personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empathise with adrenaline junkies imaginig there suffering if things go wrong for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies as seeking attention through taking unnesisary risks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate adrenaline junkies where I don't struggle with hate towards even people I know acting out horrific acts where I just relate to them in my head imaging that they must be suffering inside and sick inside to hurt someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear claiming that adreanline junkies are sick in the head because that goes against 'america' and 'Freedom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear calling out adreanline junkies as being evil for putting there lives at risk for a thrill when they could do something good with there lives instead of living on the edge selfishly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine an adrenaline junky arguing with me about there freedom to choose to live that way where I could say that something could go wrong very easily and that they should rather put their lives to doing good then riksing it for there own self interst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being too hard on adrenaline junkies who risk there lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where to draw the line where some people who do crazy stunts that aren't that dangerous but still could go wrong where even driving a car is dangerous if you make the wrong move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adrenaline junkies when I don't even know where to draw the line where I saw a video of a guy biking down a mountain which looked really cool but even that could have been dangerous for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about where to draw the line in disagreeing with someone else about what activities are too risky instead of just being the example I like where I'd rather not see a cool video of someone riding there bike down a mountain just to be on the safe side even though it's not that dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as a boring person for wanting my example to be living on the safe side of things far away from the edge.

When and as I see myself judging adrenaline junkies as stupid, I stop, I breathe, I realize where they're coming from just having a diffrent line in the sand about risk then I do, thus, I commit myself to breathe and to accept I can't stop them from standing for there free choice to put there lives at risk.

I commit myself to express my side of things as staying on the safe side.

I commit myself to not argue with adrenaline junkies where they are aware of the risk of there actions and It's not my responsibility
to convince them to change.

Day 345- Redefine Firm

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm with stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just hope that if I don't feed into my mind that it will just go away like it's a hungry animal seperate from me needing to be firm to stop that part of me of my mind that nags me with reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsability of being frim with my mind to stop it and assert myself here in breathing in being physical working with what is relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having it in me to be firm with my thoughts and my reactions like 'I can't help that sometimes I just react to things or have things on my mind'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let thoughts and noises in my head which I do not want to be there to linger as if 'I'm breathing and nothing is changing so there's nothing I can do', when I can be firm, put a little effort into it, make some noise of my own, breathe, be firm, me my expression I'm being firm I'm not having this I don't have to put up with this, this is me a part of me and I don't have to take this from myself essensially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as being frim with my mind where I realize I do still enjoy the comfort of certain parts of my mind which I always could have been more firm with if I had choosen to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm with myself in what I accept and allow, where 'I hope whatever I'm accepting and allowing in my words and deeds is all sorted out', instead of being firm and being firm with myself what I"m accepting and allowing and to stand by that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm with who I am, where this is who I am in this moment and I'm not going to let my seperation define who I am in writing in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm in my breathing to support me as a statement I'm here I'm breathing where I let myself wander off and not remain focused on my brething where if I'm not firmly aware and directive in my breathe then I don't know where I am in energy systems somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate living the word firm trying to breathe firmly and be firm thorughout my whole body instead of applying it in a way that I can work with with better refrence, as firmness of breathe, I'm breathing I'm here I'm firm within my stance breathing here, firmness of stopping my thoughts, I'm stopping this thought this thing in my mind I'm being firm with my stopping of this I'm not just going to give up because it keeps coming back into my head I"m being firm this will stop, firm in who I am I'm not letting someone else have the right to tell me who I am I"m being firm who I am I'll decide if I'm mistaken for myself firm in my self athuority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm in my dicipline where I create reasons to excuses to let my dicipline slide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sepearte myself from firmness in breathe where I get lost in the expereince of feeling firmness in a breathe and then drifting off instead of being firm in the entire breathe process of in and out over and over constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm with my relationships where I'll talk to people and say thigns to peopel without really questioning who I am and firmly taking a clear stance within myself of who I am in talking to someone what talking to people really means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a firm stance in checking who I am in relationship to X where I don't question my relationship to X because I just have fun and then assume everything is fine with me and X.

I redefine firm as the strong grip on something

Firmly acting, this is what I"m doing, I'm firm I'm decisive this is how it is no space for anything that isn't me directing myself.

Firm unwavering in my dicipine this is my plans for today and that's what I'm doing

Firm with my own mind, this is my mind I don't accept that I simply must be in a constant radioactive state where I react to everything I am firm I decide that I'm not reacting, I don't have to wait to write this point out I'm stopping myself from reacting here and now, firm, decisive. living words.

I commit myself to be firm in stopping my reactions, where I see myself all the way though stopping my reactions to something before it can grow, and even if I haven't written it out yet as changing in living practice real time.

I commit myself to be firm in who I am where I don't accept 'I don't know what I'm putting thorugh so I'll just hope it's all good because I don't know', Instead I decide this is what I'm saying and I'm firmly saying this one thing nothing else, I'm not being malicious, I'm not being hidding something with myself, this is who I am firmly in what I"m saying in this moment, FIRM living word, I'm firm in what I'm saying, I have no doubt in what I"m saying I nkow what I'm saying it's me saying it.

I commit myself to be firm in my breathing where I am firm in each part of the breathe in and out, where I firmly breathe in, and I firmly breathe out, I am firm in the transition from in to out I don't get side tracked because in the time it would take to get distracted by energy in breathing the in or out has already shifted so I'm allowing myself to be distracted instaed of moving with the consant awarenss of in and then out frimly.

Day 344- Meaningless Commitments

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making commitments in my corrections in writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear forgetting to do my commitments making them pointless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect myself from the point of commitments in my correction process not wanting to have to face the real question of does this commitment mean anything, does it matter, is it not just words to pretend like I'm actually committing myself to something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the truth that I have no relationship to my commitments unless they are direct things like to breathe, to redirect myself inside within my focus, or my actions to literrally change and make a real living commitment in real phsyical life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making commitments like to live certain words without any context for how to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my commitments try to change myself not in correction but to try to be more then what I see myself as in living breathing making choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make commitments that just sound cool or nice without being grounded like to commit myself to live with more grace or more flow when I don't know how to do that I'd just say it and hope that something comes out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hostile towards having to make commitments more then just stopping breathing and then chaning my real actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have commited myself to be more graceful because I had an idea of what it might be like to live and move in grace and express that as a real living part of me but no idea how to actualize it without having to remember to apply it and look for it within myself and not wanting to risk going into my head obsessing over living a word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually living certain commitments in fear that they'll lead to me just being up in my head and not even being reasonable to apply being just energetic mental not being lived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear questioning the limits of commitments where I could live patient by commitng myself to be patient with someone by not snapping at them and letting them finish everything they have to say natrually but to live the word stable in every breathe I'd have to be doing what I already do in trying to not think and just focus on breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear commiting myself to something that I would always have to be paying attention to like if I commit myself to live the word grace in all of my movement I'd have to focus so much on every single movement I make that it seems almost counter productive then to just live grace in being natrual and not super focusing on doing and moving a certain way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my limitations in commitments where my commitments should be things I can reasonably enforce and actively act upon when the time comes not something to just hope sorts itself out somehow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exspand my living through commitments and living words within commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to constantly push the envelope of making these big commitments that don't really mean anything and aren't very well defiend in me to be applied to be practiced and pay attention to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept self responsability for my commitments means to write them in knowing how I"m going to live them and that I'm going to be accountable for it they don't work out or need to be further perfected

When and as I see myself about to write out a commitment statement, I stop, I breathe, I realize that whatever I"m about to write should actually mean something, and should be something I can always look back on and say I need to improve on that or that is a commitment that worked out, thus, I commit myself to explore and have fun with what I can do in my commitment statements, but to make sure that whatever I write isn't just direah but something I can atleast question if I"m living it, where I should be able to say every commitment statement I write I'm living it or am in the process of readjusting it

So there's the commitment to just breathe and to focus on the physical the breathe the physical feelings

The commitment to change more direct then the inside breathing and awareness as changing the words I say, the things I do.

Then the part I'm sorting out in this writing is what if I am not changing what I do but who I am in doing it, where I can share myself in wanting to be noticed or be recognized for my ego, or I can share myself in a genuine way, where I'm doing the sam
e thing but I'm changed in who I am within it,

so then, that might be living the word trust worthy, like I'm living the word trust that I can be trusted to be sharing myself on principle apposed to with lingering hopes and exspectations of being received and read and remembered

I might talk to the same person, but my point of talking to them might be to support them, to reach out, to exspand to co create, while it's also possible I might talk to someone to talk to someone out of feeling bored or feeling loney, same action as speaking to someone but to change who I am within it within a commitment, I commit myself to speak to X not out of wanting to feel cool being friends with a cool person, but instead to speak with them in living the word question where I question is speaking to this person allowing the abuse that they allow to go unquestion with me as an ocomplice? Where this questioning might be internal but is still a part of me living a word something simple not needing to be thought about in defining it, or I could live the word question by questioing my relatioship to X by writing it out on paper where I already write things out so could mabye exspand by living the word question within it, like I'm questioning what I'm writing right now, I'm focusing as I write on putting myself under the microscope and into question, living the word question in living which could be translated to a commitment

If I have a thought that I just can't seem to shake, no matter how much I write it out, I might be supported by a commitment, a living word in that commitment, I commit myself to when I can't just slow down breathe and shake the thought of X from my mind to live the word firm, in not just stoping and breathing but doing so in a firm way, making a more firm statement then usual, saying I have been thinking of this thing even though I'm putting in my normal amount of effort to stop and breathe so I"m instead going to have to stop and breathe in a more firm more decsisive way until the point is stopping.

Day 343- Breathing personality

Desteni.org

I find myself stuck having to constantly in every breathe face the point of breathing.

It's like the only way I know how to idle is to play games or watch some kind of entertainment where I'll be really so zoned out that I do seem to pretty much idle without much awareness or direction in breathing.

So then any other time I basically have so much moving perceptually or in my mind that I just have to create stability in breathing in focusing on breathing and in that breathing directing everything that comes up in me.

It seems empowering a lot of the time, because with the correction statements in self forgiveness being based around stopping and breathing, I do that constantly so it's supportive, but then I'm stuck with energies through my mind which do the opposite of making everything a little more difficult.

Breathing and not participating with stuff in the mind just focusing on if I think about something then it should be something I'm planning to do or something that's immediately relevant or if I'm writing I'll think of what I'll write out,

so breathing, not going into the mind, and then self forgiveness, and then other commitments and things to work on in living and application, it all seems to just unfold.

There's things that cannot be faced just by stopping and breathing and focusing on being practical because there's things that are layered in such language and programming that you need to put them into words and write out those words.

In my relationship to breathing I've even created a lot of personality where my personality is like I don't care if I'm mean to x, or I don't care if I'm being selfish to x, I don't care if I'm being inconsiderate to x, I don't care if I'm not doing enough for x, it's like all I care about is to manage all this energy that comes up in me while breathing, because it's the only thing I feel and I really feel it constantly it's all consuming unless I'm playing video games or watching something on tv do I even tone it down a little because I'm in a trance like a dream.

So, the breathing personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into total greed that all I care about is my own breathing stability and if nothing moves within me that upsets me for being rude or mean then I don't care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the personality that the only thing that matters is me breathing and creating peace within myself through breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame things that distract me from my breathing as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame environment that make it difficult for me to breathe like being at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care whatsoever about the consquences of my actions as everything I care about comes back to me in a breathe of self intrest only caring about the success and thriving of me breathign here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about my responsability outside of myself because I don't want to face anything outside of myself until I'm stable in my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give a shit if I'm being self honest as everything that matters to me in my breathe personality is creating the perfect breathing application to not have to participate in the mind and just breathe fluidly and perfectly constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mockery of self forgiveness because I care so little about antyhing but my immidete satifaction in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to possess myself in relationship to breathing to focus only on breathe and what does or doesn't move in breathe to not even notice when I do something that is consquencial for myself or someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me managing my breathe as more imporanat than doing anything else where if me managing myself here in breathing is too hard then I'll just give up on everything else and play games not paying attention to anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally ignore every word coming out of someones mouth as they speak to me while I'm totally inward focusing on nothing but my breathing not even bothering to pay attention to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care and focus my efforts more then just my breathing when things get really out of hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm flawed within my relationship to breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus entirely on breathing and not on self forgivenss creating an endless cycle where in my personality all that mattered is the breathing part but I'm creating massive consquences in my real life and even in my mind because I wasn't writing and just breathing like that was the only relevant part to process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create the personality which acted as if breathing was the only relevant key to process where if I tried to question that I could just focus more intensly on breathing so that breathe was the beggning and end of my entire life for a while even though it wasn't even stable healthy breathing but crazy mental erradic breathes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior like all I have to do is write things out and then focus on my breathing making my process really easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write things out in self forgiveness that was beyond my awareness of if they were relevant or mattered or was compelte nonsese because all that I cared about was to perfect my breathign and know that self forgivenss is a part of self perfection so tried to collide the two together very often just to see if anything chemically like a chemical reaction some how inside of me and my being would occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify everything I've done in the past 6 years of my life as being a consquence of my breathign personality and who would ever even think to look at a breathing personality how could I have caught myself becoming that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there's no consquences for me taking drugs because I can just override the consquences through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to image there's no consquences for the relationships I create because I can just override any consquences in my relationships magically by breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having an entire sort of personality based around breathing and still being poor at breathing where my breathing is still strung out and energetic and all over the place most of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus all my living word efforts into breathing because I don't want to have to focus on anything that isn't breathing or writing self forgivenss so just again threw everything at the wall to see if anything would stick so I can mantain my breathe personality which came above anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify every single thing of consquence up to this point in my life as just a part of my breathing just an neccisary in and out breathe of consquences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing gives me super senses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the only reaosn I can adress my sour relationship to breathing is because I've been feeling so stable and capable in relationship to breathing the past week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if my breathing hadn't stabalized the past week that I'd still be writing non sense not caring anything of self honesty or best for life so long as I kept reaching for my internal glory in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like breathing perfection trumps all else in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into total obsession over breathing when my breathing is off pace and doesn't feel right like that's holding back my process and needs attentino more then writing out whatever point might be making it happen creating that cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing as the most important part of process at all times because it makes me feel invincible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything on breatheing where if I fall in a point it's because I wasn't focused on breathing and wasn't breathing properly and most effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for progress in my process in breathe where I'll write things out and do things with no self honesty or awareness only strictly looking to my breathe to make decesions and see how things are going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tamper and mess with my breathing like it's more imporant to my process then writing things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my entire process on a feeling within breathing within my body.

When and as I see myself compromising self honesty and self awarness of my acceptance and allowance to just focus on my breathing and not have to look into anything else, I stop, I breathe, I realize that process is a combination of everything mind, body, and being, thus, I commit myself to when compromisng my self honesty to just acheive within breathe to slow down and know that just focusing on breathe cuts my awareness of other importnat things in my life.

I commit myself to take all things of my living into consideration and not just my breathing application.

Day 342- dig

Desteni.org

There's always points to write out in self forgviness.

It's important to write things out in self forgviness because just because you see something is a point and a problem you can't do much about it by just breathing and centering yourself because you'd have to do that constantly and there's too much mental stuff to keep track of.

So you have to write it out, speak it out, in forgivenss​ and correction.

So now I'm trying harder to figure out words because I got some good inspiration from the clown fish interview threw the portal and throuh the leadership chats.

So my word idea that I have right now, is a word to help think of good meaty substantial points to write out.

It's easy to just imagine any number of ways to perfect in self forgivness and points to write out.

But sometimes when I don't have any immidete points on my mind nothing really seems substantial to write out.

So the word is DIG

There might not be any substantial points of interest to work on or write out, but there's lots of ways to dig for things to write.

Going for a walk, doing something different, imagine what words would help in the future, imagine what points would help to be written out in the future, where am I lacking that I'd like to improve, what would be fun to experiment with in writing, do some exercise, interact with something in a way I normally wouldn't.

So using the word dig I see that there's never a reason to not find good substantial points to write out, where I never need to just passively be writing self forgviness that I don't care to be writing without effort.

Dig can mean to dig into points I think I have under control and to see where I still need to elaborate deeper on points I think are secure which probably aren't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my process in not digging in and doing research through the material and members within process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my process to being surface level and not developing by not digging into things by challaing myself asking another for persepctive and doing research where I dug myself into a little cave where I hid myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dig into a moment where I'm talking to someone and I just give up beacuse I can't handle talking to someone when I could dig in and make better use of my interaction with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dig myself into a vegetable state while watching shows when there's more potential and more I could exspand my life and process but I just dig myself into how I'm feeling like that's all my process is even if I'd feel better doing soemthing else so even that isn't really my process so it's a deep hole of deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digging in too deep when talking to people afraid to get deep and get real with myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not research things deeply before thinking I've got everything figured out like when watching the news.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digging in and question things when I have paranoid thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear running out of ideas of things to dig deeply into without even having started applying this word directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking myself in a moment am I digging in and living the word dig in this action or moment because I don't want to have to think about the word I just want to live it without having to think about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to live the word dig where I just do it and it just comes up because I in this moment am directing it to do so my mind being used in living and expressing to replase thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the way someone looks instead of just slowing down and taking it in and having a deep exspanded moment breathing with someone else and their expression where that's how thinking wouldn't be needed.

When and as I see myself fearing having an idea of how I'd live the word dig both practially in some ways and internally in other ways but not knowing how I'd remember to apply this word without having to think and go into my mind and recollect it, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'll just bring it through as a part of me so it'll just be there a part of me and I'll access it and won't have to think I'll just access the word here as part of my expression and then act it out however practically or internally.

I redefine dig, as to uncover the points that I know are there in me using my mind, and my actions phsycially to dig into and uncover substantial points.

Day 341- god

Desteni.org

My closest connection to the word god is when things seem to happen outside of my normal idea of things happening.

When I think about why I have the life I have, why other's have the lives they have, why certain things happen.

So really when I look at it I've been painting my life as 'gods will', without realizing I believe in a god through not standing equal to the word god...

I have shifted god to explaining coincidence and things I can't understand or explain.

I really have stripped myself of so much authority and comprehension of reality in the name of gods will, which becomes what's natural, pre ordained, my behavior my decisions and the consequences there of all gods will...

But when I look back in self honesty, I remember making decisions that sculpted the people I associate with, my opportunity in income and education, I remember being a kid and the things I did as a kid to be liked and to have fun and express myself.

I see government and fear and friends becoming my god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see god as being too much for me to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the word god because I hate how I've given my godly authority over my life away to everything that degrades me and makes me less of a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate all the memories that come back to me when I look at myself as a god creating my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of god as the eyes of judgement over my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be proud as through the eyes of god that I got to where I have in my process however I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the external where I'm not god where there are other gods in other human bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself as god to make myself feel good but to not change who I am within living for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to predict the outcome of my life like I imagine a godly entity would be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate seeing through the eyes of god how I rushed to get out of high-school every day, and rushed to get out of work, and rushed to get out of conflicts and didn't slow down to develop anything or to learn anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear as a god being destroyed for living in separation as self interest which had to all fizzle out for me see and understand that my life could have been more up to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear questioning god because it's questioning myself and the life I've sculpted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as god is inherently good when that's just a feel good spiritual idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that god wasn't even a word at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything on the word of god when I as myself have created the word of god because the thought the idea exist as me and my word and creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather give up then face myself as the word of god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to give god a definition redefined and then figure it out from there.

I redefine god as the decider, where gravity is the god of deciding that things stick to earth, the part of the cat that decides to do things and is the direct decider over the cat is god of the cat, the part of me that is deciding to write this and makes decisions that lead to consequences and then behaviors and does the direct things is god of me as myself as god of me, god of things happening for a reason can be something making things happen hidden from my awareness or it could just be all the living beings just doing their thing and happening to collide into each other.

When and as I see myself desperate to figure out and understand the god outside of myself as the god of other's and the god of what's behind the scenes out of my awareness, I stop, I breathe, I realize that separating myself from god as living my definition of god will only dis-empower me from whatever the truth is, thus, I commit myself to take responsibility of my relationship to my life and it's creation on my end and to whatever other gods as beings human or otherwise to figure there own godlessness out as their responsibility alone.

So then all the gods come together and then now that Desteni says only the gods that finish process this life get to be gods of life anymore I need to definitely
focus my attention on myself as god so I can be a god of life by being the best through self forgiveness and correction.

Day 340- my sound signature

Desteni.org

I struggle with words. I speak my mind because I have no real word I live by.

My mind speaks more then I do, I never found my word, never aligned myself with my word.

I don't know my word, I don't know what I've said or am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of how I've not found my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what my word is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing if my word is worth anything or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word getting bogged down with my thoughts and backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how to use my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word when I like to be alone with my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to perfect my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to let my word do whatever I feel like wording.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate having to perfect my tounge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my words are perfect when that's just an idea that I can see is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate not knowing what to do with my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself go crazy letting my mind spin out of control in my head then letting this form my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my word not seeing how core and crucial a part of me it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no clue where I'm taking my word because I have had no idea that I'm living my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my own word seriously.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my word has been slipping away my entire life since I can remember.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to make my word grand and worth something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be inspiring with my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to decide for myself what my word is and how I use it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for speaking out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my word is my sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing my sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how bogged down I've let my sound become that I can't speak clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my sound be corrupted by my own thoughts and mental bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sound signature being too deep for me to manage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for losing control over my sound.

When and as I see myself beating myself up for not directing my sound in total perfection and dignity, I stop, I breathe, I realize that my sound is a part of who I am, thus, I commit myself to trust myself as the only one responsible and capable of managing my specefic creation as my sound signature.

Day 339- Pooh

Desteni.Org

The truth is in the pooding.

It's to me the secret.

I just can see it, poo is inside it's not me, but I hold it always.

It's something I create.

The secret is to walk with poo breathe by breathe.

I must stop fighting the poo.

If I can balance poo and breathe I can become my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate always being at odds with the poo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything on poo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsability for the poo inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being stuck guided by poo.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept that the poo is in me and I must deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my process because it revolves around poo and not all the pretty pictures in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that poo has the final say about my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on poo instead of on breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on poo instead of on breathe becuse breathe happens constantly poo happens occasionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to short cut my way to poo.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate breathe because it's something that is constantly putting the ball in my court.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that breathe won't work with me if I don't forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind get in the way of the negotiations between me breatheing and pooping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how fucked up the coordination between poo and breathe in my living got because I let my life fall apart based on choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this misalignment in me is based on what I accepted and allowed myself to create through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in me a mind that doesn't take poo and breathe into consideration.

When and as I see myself fearing the twisted mind I've created that does not support me with poo and breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize that poo and breathing are my references points for my life and I have supressed them both as I have supressed my whole life through fear, thus, I commit myself to live to create balance between breathe and poo.

I commit myself to forgive until I can balance poo and breathe.

Day 338- one stupid solution

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate having only one solution as self forgivenss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pathetic having only one solution as self forgivness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate droning on in self forgivness all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeming obnoxious repeating self forgviness all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for not understanding that I've eliminated all other possibilities in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm overlooking soemthing in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong about self forgivness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bother having opinions about self forgivness when I don't have any other options anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decieve myself into thinking there is other options when that's a waste of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge repeating self forgivness endlessly as being making me an idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an idiot when I tried to walk my process without self forgivness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an idiot for not being able to think up something like self forgivness on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an idiot when self forgviness is the only thing that makes the discomfort go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when self forgviness is the only way I know how to heal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an idiot when I have no other way to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using self forgivness as a crutch where I have nothing else if I want to live a life of any substance.

When and as I see myself feeling like an idiot for using self forgivness all the time and seeming stupid, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have no choice if I want to have any quality of my life for me and other's, thus, I commit myself to stop being egotistical about how stupid the situation I'm in is and just keep sticking to the plan.

Day 337- journey to un'goro

Desteni.org

Journey to Ungoro is the new card exspansion for hearthstone, the card game that I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself in my head compulsively that I'm probably going to spend way too much time then I'm supposed to on the new exspansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predict that I'll spend too much time on the new exspansion because that's how I know I'm programmed in postponing and excess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm painting my own mental character picture of what will happen instead of making a decesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that wasting more time on the new cards in my card game I play is just what will inevitably happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not own my decesion where if I am going to spend more time then I'm​ supposed to on the new exspansion of the game I play then I need to own that decesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself names in spite like being lazy instead of just opening my decesion and accepting the consquences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life has come to when I am easily possissing myself over video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that there's a lot moving behind the scenes that I'm not aware of that my actions are something I don't take hardly any responsability for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being possessed by how excited I am that the new cards will make the game more fun again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how possessed I've been by the other exspansion that have come out for the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my entire life based around video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play too much videos games and not develop some better skills because I feel disemfranchised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having to fight myself so much over a card game when games make tons of money and are designed to be engaging and possessive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that games and playing and fun is part of life.

When and as I see myself fearing not wanting to have to put in all the work to deal with the new cards being released for the card game I like, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I either put in the work to adress my addiction, or I remain limited by happy, thus, I commit myself to find out who I am within being limited and being happy.

I'm limited to not being my best I can be if I don't sort out my addiction to games and media, but I don't care because I'm happy...

Who am I in not caring? If I don't care then... Something happens.

Care is like car, I'm driven by what I care about.

If I care then I am moved, I move mysked because I care.

If I don't care what happens, then I act robotically... And play too many games and then suffer at work because I got too high off game in my free time and then get low and stressed at work.

So I do care about not being stressed and low at work or school... But I forget that I care...

When i access my automatic time to play games and watch media character is because I lose grip on the things I care about.

I'm afarid to truly hold onto the things I care about.

I'm ashamed of how much I can care.

I'm embarrassed by how much I can care about the things that matter to me.

I'm confused by the things that I drive myself to care about.

Things get confusing and then I forget and just focus on games and media like another part of myself.

I'll have to have more time to sort things out, but I'm also happy about how things are going so...

Just keep writing speaking self forgviness, because I've tested all other avenues and I don't have any more time to waste on anything else at all. So I have to go all in with self forgviness.

Thanks.