Day 392- failing my wife

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cconsider how I would effectively build a future for me and my wife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife for getting in the way of us creating a future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about the state of the economy and what is required to be successful and actually have a real future with someone in the current cuworld. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend more time figuring out and applying myself in relationship to making money and managing and investing money for me and my wife. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that evwerything would magically fall into place and that I wouldn't have to really consider the reality of the money seituation and how much is required of a man to be successful and to provite for his wife in the current world systemm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a man for me and my wife to be strong and provitde and do what is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system as being a bully standing in my way of acheiveing what I wnat for me and my wife. 

I forgive myself that I have ac epted and allowed myself to not find any ways of making money to support my wife and our dreams even if I do not like the forms of comepition in relationship to making money in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted nd allowed myself to not compete in the system for making money as a required part of success and thriving in the system is demanded that you compete with others in the system as it is designed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not chhallenge the system despite needing to particpate3 in the system to make money and procitede for my wife. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that in using my tools and other means of self application and community that I can support myself to be my best version of myself who can fiht in the system to amek money in a reasonable way so that I can support me and my wife and make a faimly and have babies. 

I commit myself to be strong and apply myself and to figure out how to make as mich money as possible to support me and my wife to be able to have babies and to be a man who can be relied on to make the best for myselfa dd my wife and the world. 

Day 391- Job and body pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worried that my body will become overwhelmed with work.

I forgive myself that I avve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body not being able to stay strong for me to do the physical work I need to do to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on my self care to support me to do the work I need to do to provitde for myself and achieve my goals. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by not being in a heqlthy caring rleaitonhsip with my boyd. 

I forgive myself mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by not checking in with my body and getting in touch with my body and what it needs to succeed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil in relationship to my body causing my body to suffer and be abused by my mind which I have crated and enforded onto the flesh. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I must abuse my body to work and to make money through abusing my bflesh whcih is inivitable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am abusing my body and my flesh no matter what I do in each moment I am in a constant state of self abuse. 

I commit myself to keep pushing myself to do the work I need to do to make the money I need to support myself and to achieve my goals regardless of how my body suffer as I realize I must spend time and application to correct and suport my relationship to my obdy to make things better. 

I commit myself to take better care of my self and my body moving foreard. 

Day 390- Sacrifice

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I need go sacrifice anything to be the best version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself what I want which is go be the best version of kysmyself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I get to be exactly what I want which is who I am which is to do what is best of rall of life together one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that self forfciness has given me the edge on anyone at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that Techno Tutor has given me the edge on anyone at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that knowledge and information has gicne me then edge on anyone at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be humbled yo get to give my life as the sacrifice to what is best for all in each breath in each moment to build a life that will be eternal for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by my uncertainty and uncaring over the nature of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be inspired by seeing that there us no viliian outside of myself and who I am as original sin in the flesh.

I commit myself tosacrifixe myself as life here in each breath to give my life go all as one and equal as seeing who I am as original sin and who I must be as the correction thereof.

I commit myself to begin my life anew. 

I commit myself toforgice myself not because others are bad or evil or wrong, but to see who u truly am as what is best for all life as one and equal where the only enemy is the separation as can be seen within the mind itself.

Day 389- fucking up is success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a position where I cannot see a way forward for me besides selling Techno Tutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my conception of what Techno Tutor is and how to sell it through my own life and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself TT I to fear that I am Un certain of how I will make my money for myself and Kasha moving forward.

I forgive myself myself I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I am free when I cannot even support my wife financially to build the future I would like to be a part and legacy of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me feeling raped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anyone would desire to tape me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I actually need to physically sell Techno Tutor to people when they might already have Techno Tutor for all I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the entire world government and all of existence collapsing in all on one point at one moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed that I have crippled myself and actuallyfeel like I have cancer.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to fear actually having rectal cancer.

When and as I see myself fearing I will fuck up the entire existence if I keep fucking up, I stop, I breathe, I realize that my next moment and my next box I might be living out of may nit be entirely up to me to have as much free choice as I belive, thus, I commit myself to accept the karma of my situation and to focus on what I can do for myself in each breathe and each moment to forgive myself for the abuse I have caused myself and blamed myself for.

Day 388 - Retarded

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to liberally use the word retarded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the word retarded as myself speaking the word by calling tings reatarded but not knowing the definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw around the word retarded without figuring out what it means effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by not supporting myself to have a good vocabulary and to be certain and clear with what words like retarded mean in the dictionary. 

I commit myself to look up lwords in the dictionary to become more effective at understanding who I am and the words that I am speaking and why I speak them and what the mean. 

Day 387- Who is doing their self forgiveness?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that other people need go be doing their self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that other people are not doing their self forgiveness when I do not know who is familiar with self forgiveness or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that not everyone can be given self forgiveness in its perfect writing form because it requires a difficult course that not everyone just yet can fit into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could give other people self forgiveness when shojtin at them about self forgiveness is not effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire other people to have self forgiveness so that my life would be easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go not consider how important and valuable self forgiveness is.

I forgive myself that I hsve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at reality for not intervening with self forgiveness sooner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by not utilizing my self forgiveness more effectively sooner.

I commit myself to do my self forgiveness each day and to share how it works on my blog so other people can see how self forgiveness can be useful for someone in their direct lives and situation to get better for them.

Day 386- lowest point

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I am doing more damage to myself than I am healing myself of my trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put additional burden on myself judging myself as an elite who deserves punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because someone is not in my immidete environment that I am not a part and influence of their lives as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to direct every environment I encounter as equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself myself keep inventing lowest points for myself because I'm not directing the points within myself that have already built up to devastating consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for other people's suffering instead of taking responsibility for myself and my partner in our immidete environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reaching such a low point that I am simply disregarded as being worthy of life by existence itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate walking through my lowest points u continue to create without giving myself a step by step breath by breath solution to be lived and applied whoever I go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to accept when rock bottom is simply the lowest point I'm ever willing to go again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to decide for myself what the next best step for me is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself enough to accept today as a fresh start and not a consequence of my past transgressions.

I commit myself to start today as a new day and a new chance to do my best.

Day 385- Doing things i dont want to do

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself myself to procrastinate things that I do not want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing the things I need to do when I would actually enjoy doing thr things I need go be doing more than postponing or arguing my right to stay in further separation from responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself myself for not having the education to be able to support myself to walk through a point of neglect and postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the education system for spending so much or my time and energy and focus on discipline which did not resort in me becoming anything but the most lazy half hearted negligent adult I could possibly have become. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distarctedbbt the energy friction of separation within myself where I can avoid taking responsibility by distraction myself from taking responsibility by creating separation which creates energy friction within me that preoccupied the space within me that could be willed and directed to do the things I realize I should be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living a life that is totally scheduled and controlled and automatic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather create automatic separation within myself than to create automatic discipline and structure and responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to not have made my main priority taking on full responsibility instead of fucking around internally waiting for the internal point to be complete snd.then that internal point to drive my external point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that there will be a point where I will be able to magically change without having to physically apply myself to become effective in my direct environment.

I commit myself to become effective in my immidete environment.

I commit myself to balance my internal and external change. 

I commit myself to make my change real and directly visible and verifiable in my immidete environment. 

Day 384- paradoxs are gay

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to terminate myself because u I do not like the situation I have put myself into where I might lose what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep confusing myself with ideas in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself with putting too many things into my head from the computer screen instead of focusing on my Techno Tutor self forgiveness and my job and selling Techno Tutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not wanting to do what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I did not plan out how how actually have a wife and family because it seemed impossible in this current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have though for myself on how to have a family instead of just a girlfriend who I would abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a wife is too difficult for me go figure out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I am always right and always perfect no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear only forgiving myself a little but because I have other responsibilities and stuff to focus on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a little bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing world War 3.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear it is my responsibility to balance the universe starting with my own immidete life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being startled and panicking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare war on existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself out too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am an AI and not a real living thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being canceled for doing a bad job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize fear go motivate me go improve where I am being a little lazy boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there are outplays that I could have done but did not do and now I do not know what timeline I am in or not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being an asshole.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and allowed myself to fear that I did not have to do something but could possibly have maybe not done some things and possibly could have forgiven myself to alter my choice pattern to do a different thing.

I commit myself to start doing things even if I do not actually want to do them.

I commit myself to do the things I am certain I am supposed to be doing.

I commit myself to also be a self leader and be honest about where I am in my life and process thing.

Day 383- the truth hurts

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate seeing the truth of how my intentions and my ideas of who I am and what I was creating of my life hasn't turned into anything but the worst version of myself possible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty seeing what I have created of my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed seeing all the moments I could have lived better or differently but gave my mind as it's been designed power over me completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a victim of my own creation refusing to recognize the part of me still willing and able to stand and come to terms and make amends with myself and with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel persecuted where no one is bothering me no one is giving me a hard time except for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into confusion trying to figure out points outside of myself trying to manipulate everything outside of myself instead of looking within and being honest with myself and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am as pathetic as demonic as beyond recovery or forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed by the lengths and suffering I have caused in myself and others just for me to come to terms with a point of honesty and forgiveness in my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise and worship the evil within myself justifying it as my right my creation my ownership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate to get out of my consqyneves and what I have created and in such desperation and spite of myself creating even worse shit creating even more loss and pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my lack of knowledge and understanding on my creation on what I have become when I had opportunities to educate myself to have steered differently in my life course but was addicted to the path I have been on.

I commit myself to face the consequences I have created and to live with then.

I commit myself to stand here and now moving forward to prevent further abuse and hardship and manipulation tactics.

I commit myself to make the best of whatever life I still have left. 

Day 382- Bored

 I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to make my life boring by creating boredome as my expression by avoiding things that seem boring instead of walking through the opint of why something is boring and makign it not boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ruin my life by avoiding things that are boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself up by always avoiding things that bore me which I do not derive extreme energy and entertainment from.

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that I have fucked up my life by making my life boring as exactly that which I have tried to avoid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that the thing I least exspected to happen has happened as me having every single thing that I could possibly need or want to walk my process most efeectively and have the bewt life and yet I am totally and completely incompactiated with boredome. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret giving myself the most painfully bored life evver.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually dying due to extreme and exsecive boredome. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about what real entertainment is.

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with garbage programming.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bore myself due to not living up to my best potential.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bore myself due to being totally unteachalbe. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for causing myself so much boredome when I had inteded to do the total opposite for myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarssed by how boring I am. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not escpaing my prison of boredome I have created in my mind. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create my life as boring as equal to the boredome in my mind neber fullfilled never satisfed always desiring and wanting for more. 

I commit myself to accept that I have created my life as boring and to correct this boring time loop I have created by applying myself more effectively in real living which I realize as being more fun than being stuck on the internet looking at stupid stuff all day. 

I commit myself to stop messing around on the inerment looking at dumb stuff all the time. 

I commit myself to apply myself in my real life where things can actually be fun and interesting and open up potential for you. 

Day 381- I can do this

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do my self forgiveness because I don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my whole life on how I feel allowing what I feel like doing to generate my mind as what I will end up doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a mind machine completely under control by thr mind system I have invented and fueled and generated wirh my own human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the idea of applying myself as effectively as I can each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become totally passed and distracted by my mind system believing it to be integral as a part of my life and process unable to identify what is mind vs what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil acting on my mind system of self interest unable to identify or fathom any other solution or way of living or being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself having a special and unique process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the best in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up to my mind any longer.

I commit myself to start taking my life, process, future, self care, responsibility all seriously starting right now.

Day 380- did i fail the world?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for ruining the world.

I forgive myself ghat I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as preventing heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I have ruined my own life and so ruined the world along wktb my own life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow we d myself go judge myself as simply being evil and selfish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the one single person who chose to ruin everything for everyone because I was not willing to forgive and rewrite my program my design in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame technology for programming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the fact that I am programmable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that it is too late for me that I have betrayed reality itself and the rules and laws of existence itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everyone else as a ducked who is putting in suffering where life does not have to be suffering or discomfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do what it's requires fo do to become super rich and to have real impact in thr world and my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I cannot change what I have already been destined to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge my design of my destiny and decide for myself what my destiny is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider all of life as a family working suffering dieing all together as one

I commit myself to live the grace to allow myself to start over again. 

I commit myself to do things better this time.

I commit myself to accept if my chances to start again in this lifetime are over.

Day 379- Who is who?

 I have been so obsessed over rank and stature and levels of authority and power within my idea and concept of process that at this point I am completely besides myself and can barely recognize a person of having any value as who they are as a human being. 

That sucks. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself trying to figure out the value of every person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an idea of a persons value based on my own judgements in my head according to waht I see as giving a person value in their life or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with everyone including myself going absolutely deeply into my mind desperately trying to assert myself as having power and authrotiy and so basing my idea of power and authority onto others where its my game and my idea of who is winning and losing in my head and so of course I always want to be the winner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that at this point I struggle to see the life in all people equally including myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I have diminished my ability to simply be a real human being and not a totally completely self posessed mind system completely zombified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind systems I have invented within myself are affecting anyone directly where everything is indirect it's not something I am actively doing it's something I have programmed so deeply wihtin myself and paid no attention to the fact tha I am doing it all the time in every single momennt in every moleclue inside of me my total absolute judgement of all of exsistence based on nothing but desire for ultimate power. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be evil in relationship to what I have allowed of the way I see things and view things wihtout ever questioning the way or reason that I view things the way that I do. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others hating me for the way that I have projected my mind onto the flesh of all including myself for my own sick gratitude. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not educating myself further and in more dpeth to have reached a point of understanding where I might have caught myself developing these patterns before they have climaxed and reached a point where it is so deeply a part woven into my flesh and so deeply a part of who I am that It's unclear how much of it could ever actually be corrected and reversed in this lifetime. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I understand who I am and the nature and impact of my mind in my life and the life of thers far too late. 

I commit myself to keep studying the Desteni material, members, Techno Tutor members, self perfected message and members, to keep studying the material, applying the material, applying self forgiveness, using Techno Tutor, making sure that the time and lengths I have gone through to learn this lesson is not for nothing. 

I commit myself to stop judging who people are wihtin my mind and start seeing and hearing who they are for real wihtout judgement. 

I commit myself to investigate and consider who someone is to take into consideration their backround and thier research and understanding of any given topic without making assumtions of them one way or another. 

I commit myself to talk to people and discover who they really are as a person in thier life. 

Day 378- heart pains

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that my body is hurting and under stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am immune from stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I have not actually walked through and released points of stress within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force upon my body the stress of following my mind instead of living words like clam, relaxation, easy, soothing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself of stress unless the forgiveness resulted in immidete results of feeling good and immidetely feeling pleasure and release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are circumstances where I must feel stressed and have no other option but to be stressed. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create stress by not taking on more responsability but simply blaming others for not doing what I should be doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to have a heart attack due to extreme unmanaged unfortiven stress I have been placing on my body. 

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to believe that forcing myself to do things means that I have to be stressed out about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate to release the stress from my body so I do not die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the stress being placed on my body is going to kill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I did not ever slow down to check in with my body and figure out what is actually happening to me. 

When and as I see myself fearing that the stress that I have placed myself under is going to kill me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that if my own stress killed me that it would be my own creation done purely unto myself by not taking on actual responsabilties in my life and simply being self obsessed over my own mind energy alone in my own self intrest, thus, I commit myself to take responability for my own health and wellness. 

I commit myself to take on real responsability in the world and in my enviroment instead of letting myself blame others for imposing their lack of responsability onto me. 

Day 376- Use the mind you have

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to destroy my mind. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not use my mind and my ability to think effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mind as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mind as perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself in relationship to what a mind is and how to use it effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my own mind as a refrence point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking about the mind due to not understanding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not study materials where you can come to understand better what your mind is and how to effectively utilize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to conquer my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by trying ot control my mind through a made up idea in my head. 

I commit myself to be teachable and to listen to those who understand the mind and how it works.

I commit myself to create a mind that is best for all life. 

I commit myself to stop abusing myself as life by smoking weed. 

Day 376- could I have done better?

 Looking back at everything in my life a part of me wants to 'belive' that I did everything exactly how I was supposed to and I'm exactly where I am 'mesnt' to be.

But at the same time in my head I can also imagine infinite ways I could have gotten to where I am so much more effectively and with so much more honor and integrity and efficiency.

I want to belive I'm perfect even when I'm fucking up, I want to belive I'm following some plan, but the plan has just been in my mind, couldn't I have actually forgiven myself and changed the plan of my life to be so much better?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the plan of my mind without question. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my mind the power of God over me where I follow my mind as if my mind is God and I must obey and am obliged to follow every command it dictates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I've simply been chasing and following my mind wanting to belive I am following some higher order which is no different then the belief in God calling sll the shots and having a greater plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that the ends justify the means that even when I'm abusing manipulating being evil that somehow I'm always right because I always follow my mind and my mind is my God having totally power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to follow my mind all the way to death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obideant and subservient to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself as what is best as I see it and realize it in each moment instead of justifying anything I do as best because my mind decrees it as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself myself my mind has a plan the same way people are convinced that God has a plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the evil truth of who I am within belief systems I unconsciously have been living.

Day 375- money

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not wanting money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I've been entitled to money to such an itent that I have exspected it to always be given to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guitly that I do not want to work that hard for money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my money being taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to create a confusing relationship to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money not being given to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that participaing in the money system is participating in a system of abuse as it stands so you must create a system within yourself that doesn't abuse money but also understands you have to use it. 

I commit myself to walk with the groups who are directly inserting themselves into a position of having money so that I can particpate with money without having to blame myself for being in a abusive confusing relationship with money. 

Day 374

I have a point inside of myself that I have created to avoid being self-honest and taking self-responsibility.

I have gone to great extreme crazy lengths to focus and manipulate this point within myself to never have to actually be self-honest and take real self-responsibility. 

I have been fooling myself because within this point it always gives me the opportunity to keep lying about what really needs to be done, it allows me to do whatever the hell I want at any cost to my body, to my people in my life, to the world around me. 

I don't know how to explain this point any longer, I have no idea what I have been doing. 

No one has been able to sit me down and point out the abuse directly because I have needed to recognize it in my self and be self-honest about it for myself. 

This thing I have created I would keep chasing until the world is totally destroyed if I do not actually start intervening with myself. 

I don't ask effective questions within Desteni, I don't study the material, I have just been acting as a selfish rouge agent who thinks he is immune or not affected by the rules. 

I don't feel angry with myself, I don't regret what I have done or what I have created, but it is very clearly time to start properly aligning myself with Desteni. 

The only part of me that wants to be angry at myself is actually the part of me that wants to keep abusing. 

The part of me that is ready to surrender to self-honesty to what I really need to start doing in my life is perfectly clear and calm and stable. 

I don't judge myself for getting as loud, and as fucked up, and as fucking insane and manipulative as possible because at the end of the day no one in my direct environment has been harmed no on died no one is really going to give a crap if I keep being stupid or start taking things seriously or not. It's just on me for me a point I came to on my own and yet also with the support of those who have been standing for real. 

It's time to start actually learning and applying what self forgiveness is and means and how to do so effectively. 

I am shocked it took me so long to get to this point of self honesty, but I also am starting to understand there's been far more to the picture than I have been willing to look at. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully actually investigate what self forgiveness is and how to actually apply it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully investigate Desteni and what it represents and what the articles and material and people are all really saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time and energy feeling embarassed about the lengths it took me to get to one simple point of self honesty. 

I commit myself to figure out how the hell you actually apply and live self forgiveness.

I commit myself to figure out and study what Desteni is and how you actually live the words and message. 

I commit myself to come out of my own ass and actually stand up together with those who are willing and able to create a world that is best while also recognziing I can't just change it all on my own, I can't just change myself on my own. 

I commit myself to actually talk to people and ask questions even if I think that makes me seem stupid because what I have been doing has actually  been stupid, I am the stupidest person in the world, and it's time to make ammends with myself. 

Day 373- My full name holds the sacred trinity of process...

Matthew Hayden Stone... 

Okay, so my first name you probably might notice it right away, but please wait, because I mentioned trinity, there's 3 points of process within the 3 words of my name. I'm not here to just talk about my first name and the 2 letters holding hands within it. 

Alright, so super egotistical right out of the gates, right? 

Well, 'hear' me out, because I have been 'here' with Desteni for a very long time, and I have had my name for even longer. I believe the holy trinity of process is within my name...

Also, don't react to the word 'sacred', let me reference the dictionary itself: ''regarded with great respect and reverence by a particular religion, group, or individual''... It's not biblical, or spiritual, or more than, or special. It's just 3 points that to me as an individual I hold in the highest regard, highest respect within my idea of what process truly is. 

Let me slow down and admit firstly I certainly have not lived my life to the highest standard or been as great or perfect as I may have liked to have been up to this point. But, I am not saying I have done my name justice... I'm simply saying it was always there for me to see, carved right into my name.. I just never slowed down to see it in full until just today in fact... 

Matthew Hayden Stone. 

maTThew hayDEn STONE 

I mean that's pretty blatant... I mean just slide the y out of Hayden and slide it over to the end and there you have it. TT and Desteni.

Infact, do slide the y over because that then isolates the third part of the 'trinity'.

TT and Desteni both equally important... I mean TT does come first in my name... And it seems that it's going to be the first thing that a lot of people hear about first and are introduced to first in their process... Honestly, TT and Desteni, are neither of what I am really wanting to spefecically talk about here. The importance of Desteni is primarily to me representing self forgiveness and the recorded materials of Sunette/Bernard. And the importance of TT is very well known to those who use it, and may never be known or understood by those who refuse it. (Which I have done myself at times past), in fact I've denied Desteni as self forgciveness at times too. 

This is again not really about those two things because for those who understand the significance of both of them there's nothing left to say on the matter.

The 3rd point to the trinity, and the only thing of these 3 I have been the most gung-ho about, the only thing that once I began I never ever ever stopped and never let go, and never questioned again, well that 3rd point can be seen sitting between TT and Desteni in my name. Binding them and holding them together. 

The picture I have added if it's showing up, looks like a laughing/smiling clown.

The picture is what my biengness looks like as drawn for me by Sunette back when those specific recordings were still available.

My begingness ironically enough was apparently birthed out of 3 different beings all coming together as one and creating me. You'd have to do more research into EQAFE for more context on what that means and how that all worked. 

But again the 3rd point comes down to the particular look of my beigness for which reason I decided to add. And again is in the middle of TT and Desteni in my name.

Hayden

Ha

Like the laughing clown... Hahaha

But what is a laugh? It's a breath...

That is the one thing that over a decade ago, I grabbed the fuck onto, and did not let go of to this very day. 

So jokes on me. I stopped everything when I really really discovered the breath.

I mean I was like so so into it, it's all I did...

But that lead to its own consequences because you need 3 things to most effectively walk process.

Techno Tutor, self forgiveness, and a breath by breath living application. 

Use your TT, use self forgiveness, and then go apply yourself breath by breath to make a world best for all starting with yourself and your own word and mind. 

To do the work that needs to be done on earth in your job, in your buisness, in your writing, in your TT, you are most effective when you are moving and acting aware and deliberate in each breath.

When a thought intrudes into your mind, when you are taken over by emotion, you stop, you do what? You breathe. Breat he, hehehe hahaha.

A laugh is nothing but a breath 

For me, I'm some sort of fool... Hence my foolish looking beingness, and since I am a fool, and was raised completely foolishly, I was not programmed or raised to succeed, so unfortunately until my buisness becomes successful, I have a job. My job is entirely physical labor based, as it is a massage job. So how do I support myself to do the job I am required to do until I one day pray I may have a buisness for real? I breathe, that's all that is left to do is breathe.

You are breathing more than you are doing TT, you are breathing more than you are doing self forgiveness.

It is what binds everything together. 

It's free, I don't need to work that hard to sell something that is free do I? I mean when and as I see myself doing x... I stop I breathe. 

But what if x was being of the mind?

When and as I see myself being of the mind of separation, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am always in my mind of separation in each breath, thus I commit myself to always be stopping and always be breathing in each breath.

Do not be mistaken, take action if you are not proficient in breathing yet.

Change the world, build your buisness, stand up within the system, within your community, as I have committed to do myself no matter what time of effort it takes.

All I reccomed is that in each breath you breathe, be the one breathing, stop your mind participation in each breath. 

This is the holy trinity, and these 3 tools are the most important things in your arsenal.

But hear me clearly, use your brain to think when needed, study everything and everyone and take what is good. Use a calender. Take notes. Use and invest your money wisely. Work with others, check out self Perfected. Get involved in politics. Educate yourself and others. Read. Get fucking rich! Do not do drugs.

Do everything you can fathom and all in-between to get there, get the job done, and get it done right so we can create together a world that is best for all life. 

But when you use these 3 tools effectively together... I mean like holy shit. Please consider these 3 things like the best fucking 3some you could ever imagine. Like the 3 beigness that came together to create me. The holy fucking trinity. The like whoa I wish I had this shit from the day I was born... 

This has been ma TT DE Stoney checking out! Haha!

Use these 3 tools and you will become the baddest mother Fk*r on the face of the planet!

More on breathing to come... it will be a laugh and a half... 

Day 372- All of us or none of us

 If I had one last chance to speak, this is what I truly want to say from my heart. 

It is all of us or none of us. 

Self forgiveness is great and wonderful, and I am dedicated to utilizing it for the rest of my life...

That's great for me. Hurray for me!...

But what about everyone else? 

Does it matter how much I have lived and applied self forgiveness when I do not share it with others? When I do not grant the same opritunity to others? 

If you were effectively applying self forgiveness wouldn't you be changing? And if you were truly changing wouldn't you be standing up and changing within the system? 

The world is getting worse and worse and worse, let's stop lying about what needs to be done. 

There are people among us who are actually standing, who are actually putting themselves into the position where they can have an impact in the world for real. 

It's not about gaining money for yourself, it's simply a matter of fact that the system operates within money, the more money you have the more influence you have within the system, that is undeniable. 

What if there was a tool that could not only support you in your process of self forgiveness, but could allow you to not only share process with others, but to make money doing so and in so making it sustainable. 

Selling is sharing, and sharing is caring. 

I don't want to go too much further then this, those who know will know, I am not perfectly the living example whatsoever, but I get the picture, and I cannot unsee what I have seen. 

I will write my self forgiveness revolving around this point on my own time and terms, but for now just wanted to make this statement... 

I would rather be a total jackass and say this here and now then to hold my tongue a moment longer. 

I wish I had realized all of this for myself sooner, but for that I must forgive myself, and I must commit myself to make the correction. 

If I am the fool, if I am the jackass, please do not hesitate to tell me. If I was somehow wrong about this I would be glad to be proven wrong by anyone at all. 

I finish with this:

Techno Tutor is how we make process more than just about ourselves, Techno Tutor is the future whether we like it or not, the evidence is only going to become more and more evident by the day, because those who truly are living and standing and changing aren't going to be stopping anytime soon, and I commit myself to be one of them who will not stop until I can stand within this system and show that change, real change, is possible. 

This is it, all of us or none of us, this is how we spread process to the whole world, and this is how we become financially successful so we can make real change in the world, because the world is not waiting on us, we do not need to wait 7/14/21 fucking years before we are ready to stand up. We can begin here and now. I have wasted enough time going no where. I commit myself to begin changing for real, where real change will be reflected in real action and change in my environment.

Day 371- I'd rather be a jackass then stay silent any longer

 Everyone on earth is in a position where consequences have built up for everyone to the extent that no matter what you do you will face consequences. 

As I was touching on the other day about a time in which I had stepped away from writing my self forgiveness and being involved within Desteni for an extended period of time, an interesting dimension opened up for me to consider. 

In that time of stepping away I remember how I felt overwhelmed that in pushing myself to write and challenging myself in relationship to the Desteni members and material that a lot of reactions and emotions and ego would come up for me. Where it felt as if my mind/ego/energy was all growing and inflating even worse the further I went into process. Whereas to step away it was like everything settled down and things calmed down internally. In reality this calming down after stepping away from everything was more so suppression, and more so the reward of my mind consciousness encouraging me to back off and making things seem much more appealing to simply walk away and not even have to think about all of this stuff. Things heating up and seeming to get more intense the more I was pushing myself within my process was actually my minds defense mechanism making facing my mind seem very intense and uncomfortable and unappealing. 

In the end having suppressed and hidden for long had led to numerous challenges and issues in my life that could have been circumvented had I stood up immidetely instead of allowing myself to fall for such a long time. 

ultimately it puts into perspective that the consequences are already here, I for myself at least could say that I was damned either way, if I had stood and kept pushing myself to not step away from everything for a long time I was still damned, it was still going to be rough, and harsh and painful and uncomfortable and feeling like everything I say and do is wrong and I'll never get it or figure it out. Now to stand up again, to truly stand up and actually do this for real it will be far more difficult then it would have been had I stood in that moment and not ran away. 

I am damned no matter what I do in the sense of being damned to face severe consequences and discomfort and internal turmoil, but it can always get worse so what's best is to do what's best for all life, considering all points and acting in the best way I can aligned with principles, standing within the groups that are changing themselves and the world. 

It's better to express then to suppress, I realize now it's better to speak out and make a mistake and sound like a jackass then to go into total suppression where you have the illusion of freedom to hide and not challenge yourself nor be challenged where in reality you're just giving your mind total freedom to consume and grow and feed all in secret because there's no one of yourself or another to hold you accountable. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind and ego to grow and become stronger due to hiding from facing myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that it's better to express then to suppress. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away to protect myself as ego from what others will see of me as the truth of who I am, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider it's better to be seen as a jackass and face myself as having much to walk through and to face then to hide away where no one can see that I'm an idiot, but the consequence is I only get worse. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that it's only going to get worse before it gets better, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with myself that there is no way to win in the sense of appearing perfect, of walking process without expressing and being seen for all the nasty shit inside of me, because what process is, is to face that nasty shit and one way or another it's going to come out, or be bottled up and get worse and nastier before it comes out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused to face and walk process for how nasty I was, where now I must still do the same exact thing but have only grown nastier. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk process perfectly as I see others as having done where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk someone else's process instead of walking my own as who I am. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people as being perfect in their process where I might only be seeing a fraction of what someone has had to work through and face in their life to get to where they are seemingly so perfect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into backchat telling myself you should shut up, you should just go away, look at you doing the same bullshit as always where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about others seeing me right now for who I am and where I am where all will be known one day and if I don't do this now everyone one day will know me as something far worse should I not stand up this one last time in this one last life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process is reserved for only those who are perfect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face head on the fact of the matter that I am going to react, I am going to fuck up, and I am going to continue to relentlessly feel as if I am an absolute fool, and there is simply no other way to do it. 

When and as I see myself going into backchats of the nature of I am too stupid, I am a fool, i am a jackass and that for these reasons I should shut up and let process be shared and expressed by those who know what they are doing and whom are seemingly perfect, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I must face myself for who I am and where I am and accept that I was never going to be able to perfectly walk process, and these relentless mishpas and mistakes were always bound to happen, thus, I commit myself to consistently and regularly share myself and my process wihtout self judgement of being wrong and stupid and foolish. 

I commit myself to express instead of supress. 

I commit myself to accept that I do not need to be liked to stand up and express what I sees as best. 

I commit myself to say the stupidest possible thing and be as completley wrong as I can, and to learn and stand from these moments rather then hide so no one will ever know who I really am, where all things will be known in the end eventually, so rather speak up now then when it's already too late. 

I commit myself to continue speaking out and recommending both self forgiveness and Techno Tutor to anyone I can where, if I hold my tounge and for that reason someone never has a chance to walk thier process and utilize these tools then that is absolutely undeniably evil and selfish thing to do to withold from someone the chance for them to change because I had an idea of pride and righteousness that allowed me to stay silent while others suffered due to the words that I could have spoken but chose not to.

Day 370- correction for my last blog

My last blog did not come out very productive. That is okay because I'm going to make some corrections here and focus on more productive meaningful solutions, apposed to complaining or victimizing myself.

Blogging to share process can be a great thing, but it's important to keep things structured and to recognize when things are veering off in an unhealthy manner. If someone were to read my last blog it would be absolutely not of service to anyone who might unfortunately stumble upon it, so again I am moving very quickly to make some corrections  here. 

From here I am simply going to start by making some relevant commitment statements about how I am going to be more productive in my life/process moving forward. 

I commit myself to use self forgiveness every day

I commit myself to slow down and try to be as specific and effective in my self forgiveness as possible 

I commit myself to enroll in DIP pro so I can learn how to be more effective at self forgiveness and utilize a buddy who will support me to be as effective as possible

I commit myself to use my Techno Tutor everyday 

I commit myself to learn from the other Destonians instead of going into inferiority toward them

I commit myself to learn from the Techno Tutor distributors 

I commit myself to learn from people who aren't in Desteni or Techno Tutor because everyone can have something to learn from

I commit myself to share myself in a productive manner and not express things that aren't of support to myself and other people

I commit myself to use my time wisely and to take breaks when needed but not to overindulge in laziness.

I commit myself to stick to my sleep schedule each day

I commit myself to work towards becoming successful to be able to stand up within the system and make a difference in the world

I commit myself to walk with the groups that are standing for and creating real change in themselves and the world like self perfected and Desteni

I commit myself to always have a job where although I have a job at this moment, jobs can be unpredictable, and I commit myself to build a buisness for myself where I would then no longer be dependent on a job for my wellbeing and security.

I commit myself to be patient where change does not happen immidetely but occurs over time and application.

I commit myself to not give up even when I feel that I am not changing 

I commit myself to participate in the communities that are changing themselves and the world 

I commit myself to share myself appropriately 

I commit myself to maintain my blog at least occasionally to function as a reference point for where I am in process but not just to dump a bunch of garbage and justify that that's just 'where I am at in process' because that's disingenuous and unnecessary.

I feel this is a great outline for how I can live and apply myself moving forward. They say process is the hardest thing you will ever do so it's important to keep that in mind when faced with obstacles or moments of feeling stuck. It is vital to remain persistent and challenge oneself to reach the utmost highest standard for oneself and one's living. It's okay to make mistakes and to fall as long as you correct yourself in a timely manner and don't let consequences build up over extended periods of time where then standing up becomes even more difficult. 

Process will be challenging for everyone on earth, but it can also be fun. 

👍

Day 369- The unrelenting endless consequences of acting upon a single thought in one moment around a decade ago.

A very long time ago I had one small backchat which I acted and made an agreement with. The one small step I made to act on this thought which appeared in my head was to date the most horrifically consequential thing I have ever done, and is something nearly a decade later I have yet to recover from. 

I remember being in an airport, I think it was a layover, and I think it was coming back from a vacation with my mom and dad, around 16 years old, and I remember feeling very small in relation to the other Destonians and to process and the challenge and discipline and work I understood at that point that process would require of me.

I remember crying, and I remember my mind, the devil sitting right there on my shoulder, and telling me why don't you take a break from this for a while. I call that thought the devil, because it was like the devil on one shoulder, and the strength and courage to stand and endure the challenge as the angel on the other shoulder. 

I remember almost perfectly synchronized me making the choice to take a break and I remember in that moment an energy was present and had emerged, and I wanted to play with it. 

In one small moment, in one small thought, in one small energy experience, I took one small step to go play with the energy, I told myself I would come back in 2.5 years, I have absolutely no idea where this number came from, it was not written down, I just agreed to go play for 2.5 years. And as I recall that is very very close to how long I took my break for. I did not remember even having agreed to come back to Desteni/self forgiveness when I finally did come back around that general time frame, it was something absolutely ridiculous that I have discussed in blogs prior that was the cause for me to snap out of this trance and return to self forgiveness.

 (Upon rereading this blog and considering the topics I end up broaching later on I will just go ahead and mention at this point that I did heroin and in the euphoria of being high on heroin I started to do self forgiveness for the first time in 2.5 years, I did not do this but a few times and never made a habit or addiction,  but for this reason in the past I have referred to heroin as my hero because I just did it a few times and it made me feel super good and lead me to doing self forgiveness and beginning my process again, so I thought that was pretty great, I might not be walking process at this moment if I had not done heroin for all I know it was the only thing that snapped me back into process)

The problem is that the damage I had done to myself energetically  fucking myself for over 2 years was so extensive, I was already struggling in relationship to self forgiveness at the time and obviously that played a part of why I wanted to take a break which for some totally unbeknownst reason to me was a 2.5 year break, apposed to a 2.5 hour break. There was no reason present in that moment it was totally nonsensical sprung out of desperation it was as if my mind knew how compromised I was in that moment so attempted to get the most ridiculous amount of time out of me as possible and I cluelesly agreed.

Even when I came back I to this day never really became effective in my self forgiveness. 

To this day the energy I fucked around with still fucks with me, in every single breath I feel energy fucking with me. 

I took that one small step of cowardice of delusion of selfishness, and I just kept stepping over and over and over, and I kept promising myself there was a reward a purpose a reason to my behavior. 

I'm lucky to at least be here back on track even if I still need to figure out how to be effective with self forgiveness it's better than nothing. 

To this day there is a resentment I hold towards myself, 'you fucked me', 'look at x look at y look z, you could have been like them', 'you could have been one of the best, and now you are undoubtedly the worst'. 'You chose the worst path, next only to death itself.'

It hasn't just fucked me, it's fucked every single person I could have supported, every person I could have supported to walk and begin process. 

I sit here feeling within myself as if I am still in that moment that I fell and did not stand back up for 2.5 years. 

I feel in each breath as if I am in a time loop repeating over and over and over in each breath, nothing really changing, a part of me wondering if I can really change or not, exactly the same thought that I had the moment I fell a decade ago. 

Swirling swirling energy tempting me to come play, and the thought that I cannot change anyway so why not go play. That's what I experienced then, and that's what I still feel here stuck for a decade in the same moment, but the energy doesn't have to tempt me to come and play any longer, it's already got me, it's already got me so it doesn't have to tempt me and lie and call it fun and playing because this is total absolute self suppression on the deepest level feasible, this is not fun but it's too late to make it stop, or at least it feels too late after trying everything to reverse what I have created after over 7 years of having return to Desteni, they say you can walk you process in 7 years, I've spent 7 years since I came back simply trying to begin mine.

I've written self forgiveness about the regret about this point already, although more will certainly  be needed and to an extent I certainly think I need to just start over the process of self forgiveness and relearn it from the ground up anyway.

With that said I concluded I need to start over in DIP pro I was barely a few months into it way back last I was enrolled.

So by paying, or by sponsorship, however they are running the program I need to just start over in DIP and figure out how the hell to forgive myself for real before I die and am trapped in this unbelievably nasty prison for eternity. 

I'm extremely unhappy with what I have created, I cannot fathom and won't even attempt to pretend to have a clue how fucked up my eternity would look like should I die in this state.

I commit myself to enroll in DIP pro so I can figure out how to forgive myself and walk with Desteni for real. 

I commit myself to figure out how to forgive myself for real.

I commit myself to breath by breath give my complete and absolute effort into finding a way to save myself from this hell I experience in each breath.

Every breath feels like I'm on a ship out at sea bending and breaking before the waves, and I want to throw up because I am so dizzy and so tired of rocking back and forth out at sea, but I am numb because I feel there is no escape other than to just go numb and supress... and yet should I stay numb and just suppress I would only invite death to take me sooner if I just admitted defeat and sat here and waiting to die, I truly believe I might just die the most nasty disgusting pathetic death that may have ever ocurred, I might just die with the least amount of integrity of anyone who has ever died on this planet. I don't want to die like that. It doesn't make me sad to think of dying like that, I just genuinely would like to live, and I commit myself to do anything I have to do to prevent this nightmare from being all that I am at the moment of death. I commit myself to fight like hell to prevent hell from being all that I am, the furthest thing from being worthy of life. The opposite of life. If there was one being who was the devil out of everyone the most evil, that's what I feel inside. I see no life inside of me in this moment and I just feel tired.

I remember wanting the positive the happy the pictures the colors. I wanted my mind at least one last time, now I have it, and it has me possibly  till death.

I commit myself to become a warrior and to fight for my life in each moment no matter if I never have a moment of happiness ever again because if I died now the eternal lack of happiness would be all but a certainty.

I commit myself to fight till the last breath to find a way to save myself, and support others to do the same. 

One last thought 

I had a mental break down last year. 

I've explained this to people but I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone before on the level it happened to me, but I'd like to at least share it with the world.

I had a lot going on around the beginning of last year, and it lead me to having a over week long, possibly even over 2 week long psychosis.

I was having endless rampant paranoid thoughts that seemed so so real that it was like something snapped inside of me and it released some bizarre toxin inside of my brain.

If someone really bothered to read this all the way to the bottom then here is where I would hide away and just again at least have it on record for the sake of record sake, my paranoia was so extreme I genuinely believed I was going to be tortured in thr most disgusting evil way possible, I imagined men coming and taking me to this disgusting pit of shit and other people being toruted there with me and it all being my fault and that I had fucked reality, I thought reality was imploding and all that was left on earth was to be me and others being kept alive in a disgusting dark torture facility being abused for all of eternity stuck here on earth. I believed this so so much in that day that I grabbed a knife and intended to fall onto the knife plunging it I no my heart so I could escape the torture facility before I was captured. I held the knife to my heart and tried to make my body fall directly upon the knife, but my body would not allow me to fall onto the knife despite actually legitimately trying to convince my body to do so, I begged my body to let me fall I imagined I could run and leap onto the knife impaling myself into the heart. But I could not drive myself to do so. Thank you body for not allowing me to do that because I could have died and or fucked myself up pretty bad. I also was planning to take my car and drive it on the highway going as fast as possible to kill myself before I was captured by these imaginary boogeyman, but that fortunately also did not pan out because I was displaying signs of being unwell to the people I lived with and was intercepted before I could drive the car onto the highway.

So that could have ended poorly, and fortunately I'm not struggling with any mental illness like that extent any longer, but what I actually wanted to talk about regarding that mental health crisis is a smell.

Part of what drove home this psychotic paranoid delusion I was having was that anytime I stepped outside, specifically not inside, but I only when I stepped outside did I smell the most putrid, most horrid, most disgusting thing I ever smelled in my life. 

The smell was as if fear and evil together had a child or were combined together, and it was the most rancid nuclear reality decaying disgusting thing I have ever smelled. I have never smelled anything even close to resembling that smell, and it was there in the air for days and days and days the I only way to truly avoid it was by staying inside.

I had just one more mental break down many months later in the year where encountered the smell again.

I like to think this smell, is my smell, I think this smell was me a part of me, why else would I he the only one who could smell it no matter who I asked or where I went the smell was there in the air in the at most fear atmosphere. It was only smelled outside in the atmosphere.

I think that smell is what my soul smells like, normally I just feel numb and a little grouchy about how fucked up I am no matter what i do or how much I write self forgiveness. 

But that smell, I have to think is a part of me why else could only I smell it, it was me, hello me, you are the most terrifying demonic horror beyond horrors, no book no story no nothing ever ever ever could have relayed how disgustingly frighteningly terrifyingly evil and horrible it was to smell that smell. 

What if I had died in that moment and that experience was who I was in the moment of death for eternity stuck in that nightmare with no way out of the smell.

Just one horror of the many horrors I have created all from just one small agreement from one small thought in one small moment. The butterfly affect of sheer evil and selfishness radiating out into my life and fucking with me.

There's been other horrors just as severe of totally different nature which I won't even begin to publicly discuss as if what I just said with the paranoia weren't bad enough and that's just what i was willing to share. 

I want to add just one last point, I think the DIP pro course will help me quite a bit, but the one tool supporting me absolutely above all else is Techno Tutor and i will stand by the value of that tool till death it is undoubtedly an essential part of my process at this point equally important as self forgiveness itself to me. The number one most important thing to me in this lifetime is making sure I have a copy of Techno Tutor available and aquring a new copy if somehow my laptop broke for some reason. I know there seems to be a complicated relationship to TT within Desteni but I say this about TT totally sincerely. I would not say all this horrible horrible stuff just to sell someone on TT at the end I just genuinely am benefiting from it and want to add on that I think the number one things that will help me to change the most are TT. DIP pro. And obviously self forgiveness.

If you actually read all of this, I feel terribly sorry for you haha. But thank you for reading and know that I am here to create a world best for life no matter what it takes, no matter how much longer I remain trapped in my own prison. I am here to the end, it's just a matter of if I figure it out by then ha.

Peace 🙂 may we all keep moving forward forgiving and doing our best no matter what the challenges we face in this lifetime. May we find the courage to forgive ourselves even of our most grevious sins, as through forgiveness of the past is the only way to push forward into a better tomorrow.