Day- 12- Letting my Mind Write for Me.

I think about what I am going to write, and nothing comes up. I’m just sitting waiting for some kind of inspiration; it’s not that I did not experience a plethora of things to write about doing my day. It’s not that I don’t know how to expand and elaborate on a specific point. It’s that I’m waiting for the drive.

I’m waiting for my jump start. I’m waiting for my engine to start kicking. I’m waiting for my running start.

In this moment of quietly waiting for something to happen, I see that I’m waiting for something in my mind to happen.

I’m waiting for some form of energy of a point that excites me, of inspiration, of information, of direction.

I’m not asking myself, what is best for me to write about today, what can be the most supportive for me in my walking of my day to day life, what interests me, what would I enjoy writing about?

I don’t ask myself the question, I ask my mind to step in for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind make the decision of what to write within my self forgiveness writings.

‘Write about that’, ‘and now this’, ‘don’t forget this point’, ‘ohh that about covers it, now let’s finish’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind be that which command me here within my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind decide when I have efficiently wrote out a point, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that placing my trust in my self forgiveness within my mind will not allow me to efficiently write out anything for myself, because my mind will always want to stray, to give up, to be disorganized, and to lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself here as life to be able to recognize and understand the most efficient means of writing self forgiveness without being nudged all over the place by my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for a point of writing to come up in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that starting off a segment of ‘I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself”, with zero idea of where I am about to take this self forgiveness segment, would be better then letting my mind run amuck within my writing throwing me off course.

My mind gives me inspiration of what to write and how to write it, and then gives me some more inspiration, and some more, and then gives me some thoughts, and an emotion, and a feeling, and a memory, some about one thing, some about another thing, and I’m just trying to keep up with my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write self forgiveness at my minds pace, instead of at the pace of my heart, at the pace of my breathe, at the pace of my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my self forgiveness no real value to myself as writing it in correspondence with my mind pushing me where to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to remain coherent and efficient without writing out every little thing that comes to mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I’m not writing from the position of writing for my mind, I’m writing to stop my mind from abusing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the abuser as my mind tell me how I should address writing it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the criminal I have created as my mind tell me what the best sentence is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let myself trust me here as life to discover and learn how to write self forgiveness and self commitment statements within self honesty as I discover here as life what is best for all within my writing.

I commit myself to slow down when I write.

I commit myself to hear my mind when I write, only so I may stop it, and allow myself to focus on what is here as I write.

I commit myself to investigate the feelings that come up as I write, not as allowing them to direct what I write, but as investigating for myself my relationship to any given point I have written.

I commit myself to write what is best for life, not what is best for my mind as an abuser,

I commit myself to realize that abusers are very predictable, but me here as life, is free, and able to make real decisions and find practical solutions without judgment. 

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I see my mind telling me what I need to write about within my self forgiveness, and I commit myself to make the decision for myself as best for life. 

Day- 11 Thinking as a Tool of Support

Yesterday I experimented with seeing just how little I could think. I was shocked by the results, because I realized as I saw myself still able to think, but not as a word in my head, just as an understanding I experience within myself.

One thing came up where I was at work, and was doing fine without participating in any internal talking dialogue within my head, but then I got hit with this fear, as an anxiety that felt like it had punctured my heart, when I had the thought I need to cash in my work checks.

So, I realize in a sense I was just suppressing a lot of the things I would normally have been thinking about, and so it found a different way to come into my mind as a thought that came out of no where, and I react with fear and pain in my heart.

So, then I wonder, there are things I do need to think about, like I’ve told myself before, eating, sleeping, going to work, writing, all the things I actually do, I have to have some kind of awareness of them and be able to direct myself to act out these activates.

So, it seems like I do need to think, but within that, I can try to be as directive, and strict as possible, where I do not fade off into the neither as I think about doing something, and then think about something else, and then all of a sudden I’m day dreaming, and have no physical awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my own participation within thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot utilize my mind as thinking in the most sufficient supportive way possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thinking about the real things I need to do, and the real decisions I need to make, to turn into me using these moments to drift off into the depths of my mind, as thinking about things that are totally irrelevant, and not how I should be using my mind to support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about things because I am experiencing myself as bored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about things like television and video games, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize where I have placed value within my mind as looking at the things which I experience the compulsive need to think about.

I value my writing, I value having a job where I can support myself, I value being able to make decisions and being able to weigh what is the best decision within myself.

I commit myself to make the values that actually support me as life be the things that I think about, and only to the degree where I am still here breathing, and am directing the thinking to not stray from the path I decide it should go, and within an efficiency that allows me to not spend more time thinking about something then I need to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be a zombie if I do not think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own mind’s functions, instead of practically facing them within writing as self forgiveness and self commitment statements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about memories.

I pick, and pry, and dig deep into memories, because I am still holding onto the memory as my mind, still digging for some satisfaction, some reaction, something to feed my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use thinking to feed my mind energy system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my thinking as a source of energy where I think about things as visions and words to cause a trigger within me.

Earlier today I was thinking about an event I was going to write about, but in my mind I kept thinking and thinking about the event, as the words ‘look at this’, look at this, remember this, hold onto this.

Then I said, okay, I am going to set up a time to do this, and then I will be done thinking about it, because I have set up a time and date to write about this thing, so now I know, when I  am thinking about this event, I’m thinking about it as drifting into my mind for energy, because I have already established a date to write out this event, and have no reason to pry into this memory as and within the search for an energetic reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to think about what I’m going to do, one time, and then do it without having to think about it many more times between then.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have constructed my mind in such a disorganized way, that I cannot even think about organizing and planning an actual event without going into the neither of my mind and pulling up all kinds of things without even realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have given to myself the gift of a clean, effective, and organized mind that can be utilized to support life as making decisions, planning, and in some cases just generally thinking about something in a way that is productive and allows me to understand the world better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmed into what I should think about, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the things I am allowing myself to think about which are vacant and selfish will result in me behaving based on that thinking, because it is what I am imprinting onto myself as my mind character.

"I think, therefore I am", when really, 'I am what I think'. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a selfish and cruel mind character for myself through my acceptance and allowing through thinking.

‘Screw this, I don’t want to do this’, ‘Wow, look at how dumb that person is’, ‘I can’t believe that person just did that’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my evil mind system through thinking.

I commit myself to stand for myself as life by using my thinking in a way that promotes what is best for all of life at all times.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I see myself thinking in a way that is not as efficient as possible.

I commit myself to develop a more efficient thinking method.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and correct, when and as I see myself thinking about things that are not going to actually be applied in my real life as things that do not have any value to life.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and correct when and as I see myself drifting off into day dreams within my thinking.

I commit myself to explore my thinking to the degree that I can learn how to manifest it as something that can be best for all of life, and to understand how I can also think here as my body. 

Day- 10 Very first Memory Troubles.

Last night while writing I had a realization, after I directly asked myself the question, “What do I need to do?” I was asking in regards to how I can stand in each moment as each breath to direct all points within me. Even though I understand the need to write out everything, I still want to do as much as I can to support myself in standing here in each moment as stopping as much participation and as many points as I can.

I also take into consideration that I should always be standing as stopping all mind energy participation, because I have written about many things which I need to bring to fruition as standing for what I have already written.

My answer to what do I need to do? As what can I do to support myself in my day to day, was see just how much I can stop within my participation as thinking.

Thinking is the point where I draw the line of, It’s ok to think because you need to be able to think about certain things, like going to work, paying bills, eating, ect.

In my mind I equated not thinking at all to being like a zombie, but after a day of trying to just not think and still go about my business, I realized just how capable I am without thinking.

I felt like by not thinking I was giving strength to a cognitive part of me here which I have been neglecting. The part of me that can understand, grasp, act, move, make decisions, and still think about things to a degree, such as tomorrow I will do this, next I will do this.

But, very decisively,

It was an experience of having just let go of everything, and placing total trust in myself to be able to reason, act, deduct, and think, without any direct mind participation.

It should have been liberating to realize all I was capable of, but it was just an experiment, not something I have really written out, and not something I can really stand by yet, but very informative, very supportive in my day to day activities.

Then something came up, where I moved myself energetically, but because I was not directly thinking, I had the thought in my head come up, as ‘It’s time to move’, or maybe something like ‘this is it, I can do this now’, in regards to moving myself as energy.

By trying to stop all thinking participation, to an extent I had never considered before,

I realized just how much power these words like coding in my mind work, far beyond my direct participation and very deeply encoded in my mind system.

I realized that everything that exist in my mind seems to be encoded with some kind of trigger through a direct word or a symbol which still represents a particular expression and can be connected back to words.

I want to address a particular set of words,

The words that are triggering me to act out my energy movement system.

These words sound like, ‘this is it’, ‘do it’, ‘you’re complacent’, ‘this time I will make it’, ‘now’, ‘go’

These are the words I can actually hear within me, (some being felt more or less like actual words, but more like a feeling or expression)

These are the words that I respond to, and then immediately act out the energetic system, I have already begun to write out in self forgiveness.

So in this experiment I derived for myself, it was like I really did support myself, because in these moments I could see the reaction unfold, I would realize ‘I’m complacent’, not as a realization for myself, but as a reaction to noting I’m not acting on the energy level I am addicted to.

Then it’s like ‘go’, ‘now’, ‘do it’

Then I start acting it out and moving the energy within myself, which at this point I am beginning to see more and more, of how it is not supporting me.

Then when the doubt kicks in, like ‘why am I doing this’,’ this won’t accomplish anything’, I hear the words, ‘This time you’ve got it down for real’, ‘this time will be it’

It’s like everything in my life accumulated to just a handful of words in my head, telling me what to do.

So many layers, so many points, going back as far as I can remember, infact I can relate these words back to my very first memory, ‘do it’, it was an emotional reaction to another toddler finding a rock, and me swiping it out of his hand, and I can remember in my mind it was like the same word symbol expression as I have to this day still possessing me, ‘do it’, and I obey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey the command ‘do it’, as the command to act on the fulfillment of my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obey my mind’s instructions as a means of maintaining myself as a mind system of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and my participation on earth, for the security of energy supply for myself as a mind system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and be here where I can see what is occurring in my mind, and make the decision for myself to stand for what is best, instead of the compulsive grab for energy as mind.

Within my very first memory of acting out this system, as the memory of being in pre-school and knocking a rock out of someone’s hand because I saw how happy it made them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that this person was happy, and feel jealous of them because I did not identify as being happy in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I could make myself feel better by making them unhappy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the realization that I can make myself feel better by making someone else feel worse, with the experience of being moved to action by energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on this energetic experience of movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assault another human as knocking the rock out of their hand, because I wanted to feel better within the energetic experience of taking away someone’s happiness.

Then after the assault took place, I remember him starting to cry, and me feeling very bad and guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with my own decision to knock the rock out of another toddler’s hand, with guilt because I had seen how I had hurt another person’s feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for my actions instead of standing up to myself and facing what I did without judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a ‘bad kid’, for making some one else cry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept a system that tells me what to do to make myself feel good, and then makes me feel bad for doing it in the first place.

I commit myself to not act on the expression as ‘do it’.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I see myself reacting to feeling like I am unsatisfied within myself and acting on the symbol word expression of ‘do it’

Day- 9 Song in the head Backchat part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I cannot stop the back chat in my mind of a song playing on loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the power to stop the song in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because I feel as though this back chat of a song playing on loop will go on forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unsure of how to address this song back chat in my head, because I feel like nothing is working.

I see how I feel within me the experiences and emotions I had when I initially listened to the song in my head.

I see how that can be traced back as to when I initially gave this song the power over me, and how I am subconsciously seeking for that emotion or feeling again through this song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to the emotions I expierence while listening to music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not initially just enjoyed the music, but instead formed mental attachments that I seek for to re-open within my mind in the form of music in my head playing on a loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define certain periods as times in my life off of a song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto moments in my life by ingraining them with a sound that reflected how I felt at that time based on how I reacted to that song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to move forward with my life because I desire to relive my past emotions and feel good experiences through the songs which I have defined them by.

I remember listening to romantic songs about relationships and forming a connection to those.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define how I feel towards other people by songs, and not by what is here existing for real during my interactions with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have allowed myself to play these songs on loop for my whole life without ever having questioned the authority I’ve given songs and music over the way I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply enjoy the expression of a song, but instead expierence it within my mind as a particular expression which I try to posses as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to posses myself as the expression of music, and in repercussion become constantly possessed by these songs as back chats playing like a conversation over and over.

I hear songs in my head that while listening to them I felt totally immersed and engaged in the experience of the song,

I want to bring up a relevant thought here,

I have this thought of, ‘I’ve done this before, I’ve written this point out before, why can’t I just get the thing out of my head’

I realize this is because as I have been stating in my writing and Vlogs over the past few days, writing self forgiveness does not simply fix things on its own.

I did not efficiently write or stand by my writings of self forgiveness last time that I wrote them out (some time ago), because I would have become able to stop them within myself at least to some degree, but I cannot efficiently stop the songs in my head to any degree at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reinforce the songs in my head by having written self forgiveness about them in the past without using my full attention and effort, as I clearly just gleamed over the points of song in head, without actually going into the depth required for self honesty, and the actual time and work it takes to stop them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take songs in my head seriously enough for me to have written this past self forgiveness without really going into myself and looking at the situation in self honesty and taking it seriously as I would any other back chat or thought in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for having to put so much time and dedication into stopping something so ‘simple’ as a thought in my head as a song in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the songs in my head as simple, when they are not simple, they are based on years of repetion of listening to songs and ingraining the reactions and emotions I have toward the songs very deeply in my psyche.

I commit myself to not judge these songs in my head as to not further ingrain them with more mind attachment and definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back-chat of ‘I don’t know how much writing it will take to sort out the point of songs in my head.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself here within my writing of self forgiveness and self commitment to be capable of writing out and facing what I have myself created in my mind as the mind system of songs in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to direct myself within my writing here because I fear I have given more power to my feelings and emotions within music then I have within life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the expression of music over the expression of life where I am ready to give up on facing a point of music in my head, out of fear of just how deeply it has burrowed itself within me due to my participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize that regardless of how I fear this point, it is a result of my own creation, and is in forth my responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point in the seriousness and specificity necessary to come to terms with it when I initially addressed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the songs in my head with the feeling of joy of hearing the song, as the expierence of being brought back into original moment I listened to the song for real and had said expierence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to songs with the expierence of riding the wave, and in doing so directly placing myself outside of myself and allowing the song to make me feel whatever its intention is to make me feel.

So, I see now how it’s not just a song in my head, it’s about how I feel, and I personally not being someone who derives feelings to the extent in general activities as I do to music, I see how this is the song in my head, but also about my feelings, which I very often expierence in music more then I do in my day to day living.

I want to just let this point be wherever I have left it for now, but I’m not comfortable with doing that, because I do not want to leave myself in the same position where I essentially just skimmed over the point, and never got to the heart of the matter.

Even though I did ‘crack’ a few dents in it by making note of certain connections, and certain memories, I still feel like ending here would be too abrupt, and  I am going to dive further into this matter in this post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am going on too long about this particular point, and not that no one who might read this wants me to go on any longer about the point of song in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be persuaded by my own thoughts to not give my all into my self forgiveness regarding the point of music playing constantly in my head because I am still allowing it to be seen as something that will look dumb to other’s and by doing this enforcing my judgment of this being a dumb point.

I commit myself to stand up to myself as self judgment as fear of reacting with judgment of myself in regards to others perception.

I commit myself to let no trivial thoughts and judgments get in the way of what I can see for myself is something that matters within my process of addressing mental disturbances and abuses.

I commit myself to use this point as a lesson in why self forgiveness needs to be written in self honesty, where I can see within myself the impact of my words here in front of me and spoken aloud, where I can see where I waver and refuse to stand up.

When does the music play?

It could play in my head at any time, and even though for the most part I expierence silence, I feel like a good duration of my time on earth has been possessed by these moments of songs playing in my mind beyond my control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having such a ‘foolish’ problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this problem as foolish, even though I have already stated to myself the intricacies of this point, and how it relates to perhaps even half of my most extreme feeling experiences.

In a sense it’s like my most intense emotions and feelings I’ve ever had in my life, or playing out on repeat in the form of these songs, and these are feelings I have given great regard to, and have allowed myself to push me in the direction of their choosing unconsciously.

I have this experience of what feels exactly like I am physically trying to reach these songs in my mind to stop them, but what drew my attention to wanting to address this point, besides just how prevalent I have noticed it to be, was like this experience of the song in my head having the ability of a repellent where I cannot even get close to touching it at it’s core before I am pushed away, and this feeling of it being to big to get around it, so it’s like I charge to get through the force field and am pushed away.

That entire experience is just of trying to stop the song from playing for an instant.

I commit myself to further write out and investigate this point.

I am not comfortable with writing out self correction and stopping breathing and correcting within any particular relationship to this back chat as song in my head, because in doing so know, I would be being dishonest, in that I can see within me, that this particular point needs more investigation and writing, and given time to sit as I explore it in self investigation in my day to day,

But, I will make the commitment of, I commit myself to further investigate the songs in my head, and to further commit myself to make self commitment statements that I can trust myself within self honesty to stand by, to not degrade the value and self commitment I give to these statements, by not making them and expecting them to just fix all my problems without me as the source of my self commitment as life.

Day- 8 Pushing myself, even though I Know I am going to Fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder why I am not being more successful within my directing of myself here as stopping, breathing, and correcting of all points I realize needing correction, including my behaviors and immediate reactions, not just the stopping of them after they have already occurred.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the power to realize what is occurring within me without having to ask the question of ‘what’s happening?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power over myself to the thought of ‘what’s happening?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to give to myself the understanding of what is occurring within myself and my world without the need to have the thought of ‘what’s happening?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought of ‘what’s happening?’, because I do not want to face within myself the self honesty of knowing what is happening in the world outside and inside without question because it is all equal and one with me.

I commit myself to give to myself the understanding of what is happening without the need for myself to ask myself within my mind as a thought.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I see myself going into the expierence of the thought .what’s happening?’ in regards to the expierence of falling within my self correction as self directing through stopping, breathing, and correcting.

Today initially I was satisfied within myself with how I was standing within myself in regards to my breathing within my self correction, but I was not standing totally here within each point to the degree I see that I must be doing so, and so something happened to push me in the right direction.

I started to feel like I needed to reconsider how I was allowing myself to be directed within myself.

And the thought came of ‘Whoah, What’s happening?’

I don’t need to have this thought ask the questions that I need to ask for myself, to myself, as myself.

In stopping, breathing, and correcting all points within me, as this moment as writing myself to freedom, I see that I need to stop expecting myself to be capable of directing all points within myself to such an excellent degree… Not because I cannot, but because I have not allowed myself to direct all points within myself to the degree that I can stop all points completely as soon as I recognize them.

I have been acting under the assumption that there is this switch in my head that I can just turn on if I could simply get the generator as energy pumping inside of me.

This is all coordinated with me addressing the point of energy addiction within me over the past few days.

I see that within me I see what I am trying to do, but I don’t seem to have the capacity within myself to act it out for real, so I take a step back here and question things.

If I want to be able to direct myself in my life to this extent, I should not expect myself to instantly be able to accomplish this, and in a sense, in not taking a step back and giving to myself self honesty and self forgiveness in regards to what’s occurring, I’m just praying that eventually everything will come together in this harmonious way, that just doesn’t seem to ever occur for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to be able to walk through my points of mind and expierence within my day, without having actually given myself the tools necessary.

It’s like if all I write out is a few layers of a particular point, and then suddenly expect myself to be able to walk through it in breathe and self correction the first and next time I encounter the point, when really it could take years of writing out different layers, different realizations, different relations, and even then something else might come up that stands in the way.

When I see myself not being able to direct myself to the best of my abilities,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep going the same direction within myself, even though I have seen and recognized that I am not standing completely within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain my direction within myself even when I see it is going to fall, because I am praying within myself that something else will occur that will support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gamble my ability to stand within self forgiveness and self correction when I place my bets of myself on the chance that something might come up within  me and make it all better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have relied on support from outside sources to guide me for so long, that I cannot even see in self honesty that even if I did find temporary support from something other than me directing myself I would still fall when forced to face myself as the source of my self support as self correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with the emotional expierence of being upset, when things fall because I was not actually standing within self correction of every point within me, even though in self honesty I would have seen it coming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can just push through all adversities even though I have not proven to myself that I am capable or willing to do what it actually takes in self honesty and self correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto within my mind the need to define myself as being capable of directing myself fully within all points I face, when in actuality it is become a magnificent delusion that has mislead me dearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest within myself as trying to do something as standing within me, without having give myself the proper facilities as self honesty, self forgiveness, and self correction.

Like trying to build a home without putting up the walls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself too hard, when and as I see this pushing as not being in the right direction.

Sometimes I need to push myself harder, but in this case I am pushing myself harder, in the wrong direction, and not taking an introspective look at myself and my participation.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and correct, when and as I see myself trying to direct myself here as stopping all points of mind and physical energy expierence, when I can see within myself that I am not capable of standing to the degree I am trying to force myself to.

I commit myself to stop trying to push myself beyond what I realize I am capable of within self honesty, and in doing so energetically tiring myself out, even though I do not want to stand for myself as no more then just the energy I have within my mind, I still am within a system where I must rely on how much energy I have to be able to direct myself back to life.

I commit myself to stop myself when I am trying to push myself even though I see that I am about to fall, and to look within myself, to think, to wonder, to question, to let it all out, so that I can take all these points and act on them in self forgiveness and self honesty, because anything is better then pushing myself so hard energetically when I am only reinforcing the system I am trying to act out through self forgiveness.

….

Here is my second Vlog, where I deal with, through self forgiveness, the loss of a 30 minute Vlog I made due to computer malfunction, in response to how much I enjoied making my first Vlog. Thanks, Matthew.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP7xmNaF01g

Day- 7 Who am I within my Addiction to Energy?

Here is my first ever vlog post, if you're at all interested in meeting me! I appreciate it. Please note: I say I don't want to hear from others, what I mean is that I fear facing judgement from within myself when I hear from other's, but that I do infact want to hear any thoughts, ideas, and comments, so please share your views! Thank you.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oWVSVl3FDg&feature=youtu.be

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Moving forward,

In yesterday's post I wrote out the way that I participate in the movement of energy within myself, and how I abuse energy as equating it to self direction as self movement, when really it's not self movement, it's the movement of energy within my mind.

This brings up a big point immediately... Wow I'm using a lot of energy within my mind! What a frickin waste! It could be used as a source within myself to direct myself within self forgiveness and self correction!

The energy will not fix me, but that does not mean I should be using my mind system energy to get my fix either, to get my buzz off of my energetic system within myself.

First thing I need to do is write out this addiction to a degree, to get a foot hold.

Just because it is not a physical drug I am ingesting, I see that I am very much addicted to this energy movement, in the form of feelings, emotions, or most specifically, my directing of energy within myself as the circulation of energy experience within myself.

As I wrote out yesterday, but want to reiterate... What a crying shame, to use the veil of self correction, to be addicted to energy, where there is no correction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my own responsibility for what I realize is a real addiction, just because it has nothing to do with physical ingestion.

It is common knowledge that sex addiction is a real thing, although that is not the particular form of energy addiction I am writing out in this post, it is still worth writing out to show myself its relevance. It also shows that addiction is not just substance abuse, be it gambling, sex, emotion, behavioral addictions, ect, addiction comes from the mind, and can encompass anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not respect mental illness as a serious problem, just as I would a physical injury.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the movement of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the system of feeling at peace through energy addiction.

What I have tried to do in getting to the state of Nirvana through the movement of energy, could easily be tied back to my brief spout with spirituality.

I never gained a single thing from the new age spirituality movement, except for enjoyment of the concepts and ideas, enjoyment from the videos, and I felt funny one time after meditating! Wow, thanks new age, on the other hand, I can sit down and write self forgiveness and have opportunity to change who I am into something actually good, and not just feel good. I can sit down and have one of these opportunities to actually change myself and see the impact of my self forgiveness and self correction within days if not minutes as I start to will myself as my actual power here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after all I have seen within desteni, to still fall back on the mind system addiction personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach peace as Nirvana within energy abuse, as self abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my addiction because I allowed myself to believe it was best for life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on the product of life.

It's too funny now that I have another memory... People have consistently said that I seem high on life, because I can be very happy-go-lucky when I'm with close friends. Yet it turns out, there are no rehab centers for being high off life, so I take to myself, as my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to energy because I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something.

When I stop a point in self forgiveness as self correction there's generally no, wow I did it! Wow I feel great! Wow I want more of this!

Because it is very grounding, very here, very real, so It's easy to see how one might desire to get a Wow!, out of self correction and self forgiveness as I tried to accomplish within energy movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to get the wow experience out of my self forgiveness and self correction.

Sometimes maybe there will be wow! moments through my process, but I should be able to stand by myself and not give into moments. I am a time addict as well come to think of it! Haven't you ever wanted just one more moment doing or experiencing something?

I also wanted to mention a Terrance Mckenna quote that this all makes me think of.

I cannot find the exact quote, but it spoke about the death of the ego though astonishment, essentially.

The funny thing is that he was regarding to death of the ego through taking psychedelics, and then being so astonished in amazement of the wonderful visions and experiences.

It's funny that the self forgiveness process is a lot like that... The initial astonishment is like, holy cow I've been creating abuse within my mind through my whole life! Then the astonishment is like, ohh I can fix it though, through self forgiveness!

This brings some more light to my energy addiction as the desire to direct myself to nirvana within myself as energy, because I was a big fan of Terrance's speeches, and was very very fascinated with the ideas of floating globular spheres existing interdenominationally and of course all the fun elves and gnomes, whom have yet to properly introduce themselves, maybe it is better I don't go looking for them, if they want not to be seen so badly that they only introduce themselves to people who are deeply hallucinating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make my pretend a reality for just a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the grand irrelevance of dreams, interdenominational beings, and god, when they have not presented to me anything that I can use to support myself as life in each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the signs of my energy abuse sooner, within my desire to take hallucinogenics.

The desire to take hallucinogenics had nothing to do with learning or introspection, like how you can learn from a dream and write out points from a dream, it's the desire to escape from self responsibility. The desire to be an abuser, here, but not concerned with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have grand experiences which would make me a special person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have great energetic and hallucinogenic experiences.

After fleshing out a few memories, as I know that I'm not escaping my past as change, I am changing as one and equal to who I was in the past, and so I know that my memories will remain controlling who I am, unless I direct myself to change for real, and forgive through self forgiveness the attachments I hold as and within memories.

After expressing myself as doing some investigative writing, as opening up different points, connections, memories, and giving myself to do some self forgiveness where I might not have initially expected, I'd like to write about what I am already seeing as change within myself since my last self forgiveness post.

One thing I learned since my last post, is that I have boxed myself into thinking It's impossible to use energy, to use thoughts, and to use thinking as a means of stopping the mind.

When it is actually the contrary.

I cannot get up and go eat without thinking about it, I cannot decide to go to work without thinking it's time to go to work, the mind can be a tool when I am the one directing it, and I am only permitting what is best for myself as life within this tool.

The same to some degree can be said about the movement of energy in regards to stopping a point within myself.

I should be using every resource I have to stop, breathe, and correct whenever the time comes to do so, but the problem was that I was not directing this energy movement within what is best for life, and I was not using it as an efficient way to stop the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the liberty of using every resource I have within my mind and body, to stop, breathe, and correct as the acting of my self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being bad for trying to use certain aspects of myself to stop, breathe, and correct.

Why would I believe that I should not test everything within myself to see what the best means of self direction is, as long as it weren't infringing on someone else.

Another thing I learned since my last post, is, I have made stopping, breathing, and correcting as the self corrective acting out of my self forgiveness a very energetic thing.

To the point where half way through my shift at work, I was like, 'I'm way to tired to direct all these points that keep coming up within my mind.'

The kicker is that, I was not physically tired, as I was able to finish my shift at work swimmingly, it was an experience of being tired. Because I have made directing myself as a very energetic experience, I'm still using way too much energy within myself for the simple act of stopping, breathing, and correcting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blow out my internal energy that I might need to use for self correction, because I have made self correction into an action of internal energy, and not an action of self will as self directing self without mind abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the system of energy in replacement of self correction as self direction in breathe as self movement, because I desire to have a great spiritual experience within the directing of points within myself, which is chewing up all my energy and not ok, because that's still something I rely on on within where I am within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I'm not correcting myself the correct way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my fear of not being able to efficiently correct myself as self direction within each point that occur in real time, because I fear failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I lost sight of what mattered as self forgiveness and self corrective statements and the real world application of them.

I realize that is is better to try and fail every-time, then to just give up.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when I experience fear for having failed to direct myself to the standard I regard as being best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to do, 'the' best, as apposed to doing, 'my' best.

I commit myself to try to direct myself any way I can, within reaching the goal of stopping, breathing, and directing, as subsequently being here as life as best for all without separation from what is here.

I commit myself to try again, and I commit myself to fail again, so that I can stand back up and learn from the consequences.

Earlier today I was upset that I did not feel I had lived up to what I had written for myself, but clearly I did live up to it, I wrote my experiences out in self forgiveness and in self honesty, and now I realize I was lucky to have failed, because from that point through self support, I will stand even stronger, as I get an opportunity to see where I have fallen.

Day- 6, Energy Movement is not Self Correction

I was reading some of my old posts on the forum, from maybe 2013, and I had an experience of reading these posts as if it were the first time I had ever read them, and I wondered 'what is this person trying to say?' as if it were someone else. I enjoined reading a few posts, because it was not as scary looking into my past writing as I thought it would be, and I learned things from myself.

I have been revving up my engine, by getting into the swing of writing self forgiveness posts, and being active in the community again, but now it is of importance that I try to face the past couple of years, because in a sense I have been away, away from desteni, and away from myself, away from writing myself to freedom.

When I look back at the past two years as memory, I don't see anything whatsoever in terms of specific events or memory or note, besides a few memories of being in school. The memories that come to mind when thinking about the past two years, are memories of energy movement, it is all I can remember to such a specific degree, and accordingly, it has affected me greatly.

This point of energy movement is a long time standing, and will take a lot to layer efficiently.

I commit myself to investigate my relationship to the deliberate and unintentional movement of energy within myself. 

In the past two years, I remember moving energy within myself, under the assumption, that I was stopping, breathing, and correcting. 

I cannot right now see that as being what I was really doing, I've been trying to admit to myself that this or that is the right 'way', but all that matters is that I realize this is what is going to help me change my life and my world, and I cannot let the past two years of programming prevent me from rising to the occasion. 

I commit myself to investigate what it really means to stop breathe and correct, and to investigate how it works, and how to practically apply it as self support. 

When I move this energy, the one thing I do know is that I've never been able to use this technique to stop, I do not see it as properly being a means of stopping, as I generally do not manage to even reach the point of breathing, as continuing with my day and activities, or the correcting, as I never stopped the point and breathed through it, so I never could even correct a point. 

The root core of how this inadequate system came about, was me not writing my self forgiveness, speaking my commitments and in so all I had was a system of mind, I had no spoken, written, real world real time perspective, only my mind perspective, which left me out in the cold as it had before. 

I'm stopping and just thinking about how to address this point, and I'm thinking what context is even available for this point, and I realize although there certainly is or will be some kind of video or interview available, regardless, I made this point, so I am competent enough within it, to reverse engineer it, as writing it out, from start to finish. 

I have a particular memory, of being off school for the weekend, and laying out on the tile floor of my house to watch a tv show, staying up all night, and I was writing during that time, I was writing self forgiveness actively. 

I remember being very intimate with my breathe, my breathes felt deliberate, and I really felt them in my chest and then expanding outward through my body. 

I remember this being a moment when I experienced the decision for myself of, I wrote out these emotions and feelings and thoughts, I'm going to breathe through them in every moment, and it made sense at the time, and still does, but something was missing, and something happened, or maybe even corroded within that I've never for years since that memory, been able to stand in each breathe as, I am breathing through everything, I am stopping everything, I am correcting everything...

I haven't written out everything... 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as naive in my determination and ambition, to stop breathe and correct through 'everything', because that was not the point of which I fell.

That is still my ambition, and I thank myself for truly trying my best within this point, but I was naive in the sense that in self honestly I might have realized sooner, I was missing a piece of the puzzle. 

If I had continued to write self forgiveness while in that state of total determination within my breathe, and within my power to will myself, I don't know what might have occurred, but I think the main point of this energy movement construct I've formulated might just simply be I didn't apply the real time self forgiveness and self correction, I don't think it's that complicated, I just didn't apply the right tools, the tools that were best, the tools I was instructed to use. 

So the house did not hold up!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the moving of energy within myself, instead of acting on my principles as self forgiveness, self honesty, and self corrective statements. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unleash this virus on myself, as this system that lie's as telling me it is capable of directing me to life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energy movement virus as a replacement for actual self movement, which is not the movement of energy, it is the movement of self, if I may. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'make a deal with the devil' in trying to move myself within this energy movement virus, to get to myself as life, instead of actually using the real tools, that had already been presented to me in full, and I had already realized were sufficient in achieving the greatest human goal, of being content within your body and world, and directing yourself as what is best in each breathe. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to learn the hard way through my very behavior that I must turn back to self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to have to face the very nature of this energy movement system in allowing it to have so much control that it literally makes my decisions for me, as influencing my behavior. 

What would be left after that? I give up my entire being, my behavior, my words, I give up everything I am to this system which disguised itself as being best for life? 

I must be here writing, I must warn other people, I must do this, because I commit myself to write, I commit myself to warn other's so they do not find out the hard way. 

I commit myself to share with other's my own experiences, so that other's might not have to face them the hard way, as I would prefer not to do so myself. 

In a conversation I had with Bernard Poolman online, I tried to explain this energy movement, however, I did not describe it efficiently, and I was very nervous, I wanted him to give me an answer... He, as I recall it, said to write, to prove myself in self forgiveness for real, and that I was selfish...

I was selfish, and certainly still am... I enjoyed the opportunity to be able to speak with him, regardless of how clustered my words and thoughts were during the conversation, but I was not about to listen to the man whom I respected above all others, (which is obviously not ok to hold someone in those regards of being 'more worth honor' but is what occurred at the time.) 

And actually... Is a good point, so let's see...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Bernard Poolman as being worth more honor than other destonians, and other living beings. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Bernard Poolman as being worth more honor, than I gave to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this false dichotomy of honor system, where you're worth honor, and I am not.

In this... No one receives real honor, as honor is the respect for all life equally, oops! 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this false sense of honor as respect onto Bernard Poolman, instead of facing in reality, my lack of honor and respect for any living being. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to honor Bernard Poolman as giving to me the system of abuse as energy I desired to live, when he did no such thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not draw the line within myself, of realizing my self responsibility, and instead though this system of faux honor, believe in my mind deception, the system I have reflects what the honorable Bernard Poolman is creating, when really I did not have any respect for him, and used him as a symbol so I could force my own system into place, under the guise that it was best for life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor myself, Bernard, and all of life, with real honor, as all equal, by dishonoring my teachings through desteni, as deliberately creating a system which I use to represent what is best for life within my mind as the energy movement system, when it was the complete opposite, and would destroy me as life if it had the chance. 

I commit myself to use my tools of writing self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, and further investigation, to stop this system, because I am equal to its creation, so must face self responsibility for it. 

When and as I see myself moving as energy within myself, (not as myself, because energy is not who I am, and so does not reflect my best interest as life), I stop, breathe, and direct.

I commit myself to stop my participation of energy movement, in replace of actual living and breathing here, without fear of being without a system.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct, when and as I see myself moving energy within myself as my mind, and realize how this consistent behavior has built up a very dangerous system, which I commit myself to disassociate with through the stopping of the behavior, and the self corrective action, of stopping, breathing, and correcting... As well as the return to writing. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing as a system.

As I fear facing myself as a system, I also fear facing that I am the one creating the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create systems, as mind patterns, and behaviors, in replace of actual living in self honesty as best for myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience confusion as to how I can function without being constantly tapped into a mind system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself whatsoever as life, in that to my very core, all I see within myself as life, is a system of the mind, proving I cannot be trusted with life, nor system. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself a real means of self correction in breathe, when I write stop breathe and correct, and yet clearly have not stated it as efficiently as be necessary for me to actually apply and live as. 

I commit myself to replace my system of moving energy as best for life, to the human body system of breathe, as stopping the mind within my mind, and breathing which is always here for me, and then correcting not as a thought or system, but correcting as my will to stop evil as mind within myself in all ways. 

only a few seconds from writing all of what I just did, and I am mentally off the wall. I am experiencing the presence of the mind energy system leaving me, how I will continue to stand within this existence without energy movement system, I do not know, and how I will prove my efficiency in stopping it's return is writing... Right now, because I am certainly not going to give up on this post just yet. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tense up, in response to the experience of the energy movement system leaving me.

I'm tense up, in anticipation, because it's coming back! AND SOON! 

It's only gone for a few minutes, maybe hour, because I fear it will come back, I fear it will come back, because I know I have not truly stopped it. I will be the one to allow it to come back, so of course I should be the one to break the news to myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system of energy movement will return, because I don't want to face that I will be the one who allows it to return. 

I commit myself to not let the energy movement system return, and I will prove my devotion to myself, by continuing to write.

... After a few minutes of thinking of a point that I can use to continue my writing here, I experience a movement in my stomach area, and I try to stop it, breathe though it, and correct. 

But I fail, and then I feel move movement, I try again, nothing stops, more and more movement occur. 

I'm not breathing to support myself in stopping the energy movement system, my breathe is making it worse, I'm breathing to spread the disease, I'm using my breathe as a tool to destroy the integrity of life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand with myself in each breathe I take, to ensure that when the time comes to stop, breathe, and correct, that I can trust myself to remain within directing myself as breathe. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop a point using only my breathe, as I realized I said I breathe through the point, when really I’m not using my breathe, I’m directing my breathe in a way that does not support me to stop the particular point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the ability to harness everything within myself and my powers to stop a point, when it becomes time to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself in stopping a point, and so trying to breathe through the point, when really I’m just holding my breathe trying to squeeze the point out, like a bowl movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being capable of stopping any given point for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to use my mind to help support me in stopping a point as well as using my body and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I cannot stop a point, and in doing so separating me from the point, preventing it from being addressed, and directed and stopped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prevent myself from actually being able to address points because I have separated myself from them as allowing fear, so I cannot face them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the system of fear to avoid facing things I don’t like, instead of facing all things as equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I cannot face any point for real, until I can face all points, without fear.

When and as I see myself acting out fear within myself, in regards to stopping a point within all my power as best, I commit myself to stop breathe and direct the point of fear, so I can face all points, and not be caught up in one place, because I refuse to stop my fear as equal to what I permit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to permit fear in regards to facing myself as life as self forgiveness.

I commit myself to further investigate fear in my life, even though it will be scary.

Day- 5 Decisions and Gossip

The other day, I spoke about someone at work, the person who I spoke to would not be someone to spread what I said about this specific person, but I was worried that someone else might have over heard what I said.

I was speaking about this person fondly, but what I brought up is something this person would not like to have had me speaking about.

I was gossiping.

I don't think about when I behave that way, but I need to start considering the words I say.

The fact that I said something that could infringe on someone else's reputation and job security was not acceptable.

It was in this moment I realized, I allow myself to say what I please, and use the shroud of, 'I speak my mind, and just don't think about what I'm saying.'

I have escaped facing the words I speak, because I define myself as, innocent, as I don't think, I just speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constitute saying whatever comes out, as the same thing as speaking directly and without mind influence.

A friend of mine said to me the other day, while there was a spat of gossip going around work, he said in regards to the rumors going around, "mouth's talk", and that's what I allow mine to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility for what I say in my words because I believe that I am above gossip, and simply am speaking whatever comes out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am above what I say, because I perpetuate my words within myself as being just something that occurs, as if they are separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my behavior within my words get out of hand, to the point that I could have potentially damaged someone else's career opportunity, by speaking to another person about something that I simply did not need to bring up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the behavior of, 'I'll just say whatever, and see what happens.'

I commit myself to stand up to myself as my words.

I commit myself to realize and consider what I am saying, and not leave it up to 'whatever comes out, will be what I will have said'

How can I think that I care about what is best, when it is clear I only care about what is in my personal ego's interest of best, which is not best, and is why I am where I am in my life, where struggles and conflicts are common place experience's.

What I say, what I do, where I place my attention, how I think; in the cases where thinking is a tool to support me as something I am directing for myself to support myself, who I choose to spend my time with, and how I choose to spend my time.

All of these things are relevant, but I treat what I do as if it is up to fate, and fate is not what is going to stand for me as life.

I say, 'It's fate that we met here', and so what if it was? I then go and act out the same behavior's resulting in the same consequences regardless of who or where, or fate or coincidence.

I'm glad to have said what I did, only because it allowed me to actually look at my behavior in self honesty, but to have allowed my own learning experience to occur at what could potentially be at the stake of another's as the potential for my gossip to spread around to other's was not ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I said would be spread around to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I had created as my words, instead of facing up to them in that moment, and making the decision that I must stop such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I said, even though this regret only creates further damage as separating me from what I have done, as allowing myself to not face my issues in my word's but to instead wish I had not said them, as if there is any going back form what had already been heard by whomever will hear it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify spreading a rumor about another person, just because I am fond of the person I spoke of, and to not consider the rumor as a bad thing, even though it could be interpreted as a bad thing by certain other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that my words could spread to the wrong people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed when I realized the gravity of what I was participating in within my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the conviction to face what I say, as being what I participate and accept within the world, and instead, hiding behind a plethora of emotions which fog my perception, and prevent my abilities to direct myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friend would be mad at me, if he knew that I was talking about him, when I ought not to have been doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my friend would view me with hate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not draw the line within my mind that, I am not responsible for someone else's reaction's directed toward my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person, when the inappropriateness of how I use my words dawned upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself this way in regards to the way I speak, instead of simply changing the way I speak, so that I will not longer allow my words to reflect anything that is not best for life.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I experience emotion revolving around the rumor I have spread.

This is consequence, I allow myself to behave the way I do, nothing makes me behave the way I do, so I am 'sleeping in the bed I have made', but this is my chance to change, I commit myself to stand by myself when facing the words I have spoken, regardless of whether they were good or bad, they are my words, and I must face the consequences either way.

I remember an analogy about how you can take an arrow out of a tree, but you cannot take the mark out of the tree, this analogy being that you can change and move on from the past, but you cannot change the past itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my emotions of the past, even though I cannot change what caused the emotions as the events of the past, but I can change myself in the present as stopping my reactions, and stopping the emotions, and then directing myself to do better, and stand for what is best without holding onto 'what might have been'.

I have only just started to consider my behavior as needing to be changed for what is best for life, because I have been so caught up in my own pursuit of doing what is best for life, as what I want to face, and what I view as being in my personal interest of success as being at peace, but that has fallen apart, because it was never something I could have stood for, and was always going to fall, whether I realized it now or later, I face consequence because of what I participate and allow.

It was inevitable I must face all points, all participation, and so I stop, breathe, and correct, as living up to what I have allowed, and committing myself to not let my behaviors persist unless they are what is best.

I commit myself to learn what is best through self support and guidance through self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because one thing I know know, is that it is not best to find out the hard way through negligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confused as giving into the reaction of confusion in relationship to the thought I am allowing myself to be directed by in this moment of 'How will I know what is the best action, and the best decision to make?'

My answer to this thought, as I do not need to find out the answer the hard way, and instead face it here and now in my writing, is that actions are real things, words spoken by voice are real, they are only what life define them as when it comes to labels and symbols such as good and bad, and so I must for myself decide what is best, but I must make sure it is not the hard way, because sometimes it's too late to find out that way, which means it is never ok to find out that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confused about what actions and what decisions are best, because there is no empirical right or wrong, it is what we as life decide for ourselves, sometimes we find out the hard way through unpleasant consequence, and sometimes we just realize in common sense, this is better for life, so this is what I do, no thought, just action's in common sense.