day- 2

day- 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I did not commit myself to write every day on the forum.

It is not that I am angry that I do not write for myself as self support as best for life as all life, but it is that I am angry that others have gotten so far ahead of me, in their process, and in their collection of writing's. 

This is a fun point, because it is so easy to open up and see the inherit problem in this statement. 

It's not anger that I did not support myself more efficiently through writing self forgiveness, apposed to 'going my own way' as I have for over 2 years since I last 'really' tried to write self forgiveness everyday, as the 7 years of writing would entail.

It is the most flat out selfish anger, that I am 'losing', like I am far behind in the 'game'. It's fun, and it is very enjoyable, to just look at myself in this state of anger, because anyone who spent just a few days reading and researching from other destonians would quickly realize there is no game whatsoever in the process of self forgiveness. 

I am literally laughing at myself, because, I have avoided facing my fears of desteni, and of taking self responsibility to the point of actualization through writing for over 2 years, and within a few days, my reaction is to see who has 'gained ground over me', like I am losing at a game which I have not even been playing. 

It's also funny that a major point I wrote about yesterday was in regards to respecting life, and respecting other people's process, and to see my own behavior in this competitive, mean spirited personality. 

Yesterday I wrote out for myself the commitment to respect other's process, yet, I'm not surprised to see this disrespect and disdain for process emerge so soon, because my commitment is being challenged, that is the fun part, and that can be a game in a fun way for myself. 

It is like a game of whack-a-mole, yesterday, I write self forgiveness for not respecting process, and today comes the first mole to 'whack', a chance to prove to myself that what I said, I meant, and that I will not accept this anger I experienced as who I am. 

It is an opportunity for me to stand up for myself and my process. 

I write self forgiveness for any point, of course it is not instantaneous relief, of course I must face the same point many times. 

I write self forgiveness, and I am given an opportunity to prove my commitment to myself. 

At first, I really was laughing at this point, of how funny it is to see myself angry, even though I know, that my anger is wrong, and that it is fun to have the challenge of facing my point from yesterday's writing in today's. 

Then as I'm writing out about the challenge of getting to face my self forgiveness and self commitment in real time, I start to cry. 

I wasn't sad, but maybe what I said just rang so true to myself, that I 'struck a cord'.

Or, maybe it has just been so long that the impact of self forgiveness is so devastating to who I am as my personality, that I am overwhelmed with joy, and sadness. 

A few days of writing self forgiveness can be such a major halt to everything I thought I knew, and perpetuated into the world system through my behavior and allowance. 

It was very hard to find a 'good' point to write about, and I say 'good', knowing that all points are equal, and I could write about my shoe laces, and still would be supporting all of life by just the act of self forgiveness, which is real self support. 

Now I am so overwhelmed with what I am experiencing and writing that I just want to turn off my brain. 

Instead, Instinctively, I stop breathe and bring myself here, and write about anything. 

...

I know that I have written self forgiveness on my own personal blog and on the forum before, and that I was on a specific number of days, in regards to the 7 years to life self forgiveness process, but yesterday I wrote day 1 on my post, even though, in theory, I am certainly some many days further than that...

So I wondered, when you go so long, and tell yourself you have given up, where do you try to start over? 

I had thought about making a compromise and putting myself at a day that I knew I was past in my collection of days of writing self forgiveness, because, I thought nothing would be worse than saying I am x amount of days further than I actually am. 

But instead of picking a trivial number, I had a very fun idea, of just starting from day 1. Because it isn't a competition, and there is no reason to be jealous of how many posts, and how much self forgiveness someone else has done. 

And I was very proud in that moment, because I knew within myself what really mattered wasn't what day I was on, and I felt humbled that I would give to myself that honor, of not worrying about a trivial number of days, but instead actually getting the bigger picture. 

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my intense experience of writing this post, not just having back chat, but actually having the back chat of wanting to be recognized for having made a great piece of work in my self forgiveness, and actually wanting it for real within myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized as a great member of desteni. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be someone who is cherished and appreciated. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide this point from myself, by not even wanting anyone to know I had the desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, that I am not hiding the point from others seeing it, I am hiding it from myself, because I know that if I hide it, I can still pretend it is real, and I can pretend that I am what I desire to be, because I do not challenge it. 

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, as to be attracted to, to the point of compulsive obsessiveness, with my desire to have my crying experience of joy again. 

I had an experience of great emotion, and it was because me, writing for myself, was too real for me to even understand in my mind bubble, but what I take from it, is pleasure, I was on a high, and now I want it back, to the point of desperation and actually having a physical head ache. 

I know that I did not sit down today so I could get 'high' off myself, and I know that I would rather continue writing for myself as life, than to write to get 'high' off life, and I know that if I tried to write self forgiveness to get high off my own emotions, I would fall. 

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't have enough time to continue writing, because I must go to bed, to get the rest and energy I need, to sustain myself tomorrow, for another day of work. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to write to the point of desperation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that, I have to walk the points tomorrow, I have to prove the points to myself while I am at work, and that to be addicted to writing self forgiveness is just the same as not writing at all. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my self forgiveness within myself, and to fear letting it go, where I will live my life and prove it, in each breathe of my life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish in my holding onto self forgiveness, and wanting to just enjoy writing self forgiveness forever, when it is not about the joy of self forgiveness, the joy is just the aftermath, of the real fact, which is that it must be prove in real time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I must live in time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my time writing self forgiveness today will be up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing what I write in my life outside desteni. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have faith in myself, as the faith it takes to be alive, as the faith I have to wake up each mourning as myself, the faith of trusting who I am as a living being, to do what must be done, to survive one more day, so that I can write again, and so that I can face my life for what it truly is, no matter how terrifying, or how gruesome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept a system where there is no choice, only fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, because I don't believe in what is happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what is real on earth. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in total fear, and death, and still somehow, manage to take the time away from myself to have a moment to simply hate and judge another living being, who must face the same doom as I do in each breathe. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate life so much that I will take time out of my horror, to despise another person in my mind, as though they were at fault for what I have become as life. 

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am writing too long of a post. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to justify how long my post is, because if someone were to look at it, and see it were too long, then they might simply stop reading it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even trust myself to express myself in self liberation as self forgiveness enough that I would allow myself to write a post that might not stay on one topic, and might potentially be too long then some may prefer. 

I do realize it does help one to stay on track to some degree, and that it also does not hurt to occasionally stray off the conventional path, while still standing in self support as writing, but for now, I am not really supporting myself to my best ability due to how I am not committing to really see any particular point out. 

So I might stop myself now, and allow myself to walk through time and space, to see what I am standing for within this writing, in the time system I have imposed on myself. 

I commit myself to investigate self forgiveness in all forms, and not just in the way that looks pretty and is focused in an organized manner based on a handful of specific points of relevance. 

I commit myself to also see how, I have not written my self forgiveness in the most efficient way I am familiar with, which might not always be best, and might not truly be as efficient as I think it is, but that it can help me write myself through an important point that I am tackling in my walking life.