I was reading some of my old posts on the forum, from maybe 2013,
and I had an experience of reading these posts as if it were the first time I
had ever read them, and I wondered 'what is this person trying to say?' as if
it were someone else. I enjoined reading a few posts, because it was not as
scary looking into my past writing as I thought it would be, and I learned
things from myself.
I have been revving up my engine, by getting into the swing of
writing self forgiveness posts, and being active in the community again, but
now it is of importance that I try to face the past couple of years, because in
a sense I have been away, away from desteni, and away from myself, away from
writing myself to freedom.
When I look back at the past two years as memory, I don't see
anything whatsoever in terms of specific events or memory or note, besides a
few memories of being in school. The memories that come to mind when thinking
about the past two years, are memories of energy movement, it is all I can
remember to such a specific degree, and accordingly, it has affected me
greatly.
This point of energy movement is a long time standing, and will
take a lot to layer efficiently.
I commit myself to investigate my relationship to the deliberate
and unintentional movement of energy within myself.
In the past two years, I remember moving energy within myself,
under the assumption, that I was stopping, breathing, and correcting.
I cannot right now see that as being what I was really doing, I've
been trying to admit to myself that this or that is the right 'way', but all
that matters is that I realize this is what is going to help me change my life
and my world, and I cannot let the past two years of programming prevent me
from rising to the occasion.
I commit myself to investigate what it really means to stop
breathe and correct, and to investigate how it works, and how to practically
apply it as self support.
When I move this energy, the one thing I do know is that I've
never been able to use this technique to stop, I do not see it as properly
being a means of stopping, as I generally do not manage to even reach the point
of breathing, as continuing with my day and activities, or the correcting, as I
never stopped the point and breathed through it, so I never could even correct
a point.
The root core of how this inadequate system came about, was me not
writing my self forgiveness, speaking my commitments and in so all I had was a
system of mind, I had no spoken, written, real world real time perspective,
only my mind perspective, which left me out in the cold as it had before.
I'm stopping and just thinking about how to address this point,
and I'm thinking what context is even available for this point, and I realize
although there certainly is or will be some kind of video or interview
available, regardless, I made this point, so I am competent enough within it,
to reverse engineer it, as writing it out, from start to finish.
I have a particular memory, of being off school for the weekend,
and laying out on the tile floor of my house to watch a tv show, staying up all
night, and I was writing during that time, I was writing self forgiveness
actively.
I remember being very intimate with my breathe, my breathes felt
deliberate, and I really felt them in my chest and then expanding outward
through my body.
I remember this being a moment when I experienced the decision for
myself of, I wrote out these emotions and feelings and thoughts, I'm going to
breathe through them in every moment, and it made sense at the time, and still
does, but something was missing, and something happened, or maybe even corroded
within that I've never for years since that memory, been able to stand in each
breathe as, I am breathing through everything, I am stopping everything, I am
correcting everything...
I haven't written out everything...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
as naive in my determination and ambition, to stop breathe and correct through
'everything', because that was not the point of which I fell.
That is still my ambition, and I thank myself for truly trying my
best within this point, but I was naive in the sense that in self honestly I
might have realized sooner, I was missing a piece of the puzzle.
If I had continued to write self forgiveness while in that state
of total determination within my breathe, and within my power to will myself, I
don't know what might have occurred, but I think the main point of this energy
movement construct I've formulated might just simply be I didn't apply the real
time self forgiveness and self correction, I don't think it's that complicated,
I just didn't apply the right tools, the tools that were best, the tools I was
instructed to use.
So the house did not hold up!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the
moving of energy within myself, instead of acting on my principles as self
forgiveness, self honesty, and self corrective statements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unleash this
virus on myself, as this system that lie's as telling me it is capable of
directing me to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
energy movement virus as a replacement for actual self movement, which is not
the movement of energy, it is the movement of self, if I may.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'make a deal
with the devil' in trying to move myself within this energy movement virus, to
get to myself as life, instead of actually using the real tools, that had
already been presented to me in full, and I had already realized were
sufficient in achieving the greatest human goal, of being content within your
body and world, and directing yourself as what is best in each breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself
to learn the hard way through my very behavior that I must turn back to self
forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself
to have to face the very nature of this energy movement system in allowing it
to have so much control that it literally makes my decisions for me, as
influencing my behavior.
What would be left after that? I give up my entire being, my
behavior, my words, I give up everything I am to this system which disguised
itself as being best for life?
I must be here writing, I must warn other people, I must do this,
because I commit myself to write, I commit myself to warn other's so they do
not find out the hard way.
I commit myself to share with other's my own experiences, so that
other's might not have to face them the hard way, as I would prefer not to do
so myself.
In a conversation I had with Bernard Poolman online, I tried to
explain this energy movement, however, I did not describe it efficiently, and I
was very nervous, I wanted him to give me an answer... He, as I recall it, said
to write, to prove myself in self forgiveness for real, and that I was
selfish...
I was selfish, and certainly still am... I enjoyed the opportunity
to be able to speak with him, regardless of how clustered my words and thoughts
were during the conversation, but I was not about to listen to the man whom I
respected above all others, (which is obviously not ok to hold someone in those
regards of being 'more worth honor' but is what occurred at the time.)
And actually... Is a good point, so let's see...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
Bernard Poolman as being worth more honor than other destonians, and other
living beings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
Bernard Poolman as being worth more honor, than I gave to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
in this false dichotomy of honor system, where you're worth honor, and I am
not.
In this... No one receives real honor, as honor is the respect for
all life equally, oops!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this
false sense of honor as respect onto Bernard Poolman, instead of facing in
reality, my lack of honor and respect for any living being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to honor
Bernard Poolman as giving to me the system of abuse as energy I desired to
live, when he did no such thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not draw the
line within myself, of realizing my self responsibility, and instead though
this system of faux honor, believe in my mind deception, the system I have
reflects what the honorable Bernard Poolman is creating, when really I did not
have any respect for him, and used him as a symbol so I could force my own system
into place, under the guise that it was best for life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor
myself, Bernard, and all of life, with real honor, as all equal, by dishonoring
my teachings through desteni, as deliberately creating a system which I use to
represent what is best for life within my mind as the energy movement system,
when it was the complete opposite, and would destroy me as life if it had the
chance.
I commit myself to use my tools of writing self forgiveness, and
self corrective statements, and further investigation, to stop this system,
because I am equal to its creation, so must face self responsibility for
it.
When and as I see myself moving as energy within myself, (not as
myself, because energy is not who I am, and so does not reflect my best
interest as life), I stop, breathe, and direct.
I commit myself to stop my participation of energy movement, in
replace of actual living and breathing here, without fear of being without a
system.
I commit myself to stop breathe and correct, when and as I see
myself moving energy within myself as my mind, and realize how this consistent
behavior has built up a very dangerous system, which I commit myself to
disassociate with through the stopping of the behavior, and the self corrective
action, of stopping, breathing, and correcting... As well as the return to
writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
existing as a system.
As I fear facing myself as a system, I also fear facing that I am
the one creating the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create
systems, as mind patterns, and behaviors, in replace of actual living in self
honesty as best for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience
confusion as to how I can function without being constantly tapped into a mind
system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust
myself whatsoever as life, in that to my very core, all I see within myself as
life, is a system of the mind, proving I cannot be trusted with life, nor
system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to
myself a real means of self correction in breathe, when I write stop breathe
and correct, and yet clearly have not stated it as efficiently as be necessary
for me to actually apply and live as.
I commit myself to replace my system of moving energy as best for
life, to the human body system of breathe, as stopping the mind within my mind,
and breathing which is always here for me, and then correcting not as a thought
or system, but correcting as my will to stop evil as mind within myself in all
ways.
only a few seconds from writing all of what I just did, and I am
mentally off the wall. I am experiencing the presence of the mind energy system
leaving me, how I will continue to stand within this existence without energy
movement system, I do not know, and how I will prove my efficiency in stopping
it's return is writing... Right now, because I am certainly not going to give
up on this post just yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tense up, in
response to the experience of the energy movement system leaving me.
I'm tense up, in anticipation, because it's coming back! AND SOON!
It's only gone for a few minutes, maybe hour, because I fear it
will come back, I fear it will come back, because I know I have not truly
stopped it. I will be the one to allow it to come back, so of course I should
be the one to break the news to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the
system of energy movement will return, because I don't want to face that I will
be the one who allows it to return.
I commit myself to not let the energy movement system return, and
I will prove my devotion to myself, by continuing to write.
... After a few minutes of thinking of a point that I can use to
continue my writing here, I experience a movement in my stomach area, and I try
to stop it, breathe though it, and correct.
But I fail, and then I feel move movement, I try again, nothing
stops, more and more movement occur.
I'm not breathing to support myself in stopping the energy
movement system, my breathe is making it worse, I'm breathing to spread the
disease, I'm using my breathe as a tool to destroy the integrity of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand
with myself in each breathe I take, to ensure that when the time comes to stop,
breathe, and correct, that I can trust myself to remain within directing myself
as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop
a point using only my breathe, as I realized I said I breathe through the
point, when really I’m not using my breathe, I’m directing my breathe in a way that
does not support me to stop the particular point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to
myself the ability to harness everything within myself and my powers to stop a
point, when it becomes time to do so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust
myself in stopping a point, and so trying to breathe through the point, when
really I’m just holding my breathe trying to squeeze the point out, like a bowl
movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not
being capable of stopping any given point for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust
myself to use my mind to help support me in stopping a point as well as using
my body and breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I
cannot stop a point, and in doing so separating me from the point, preventing
it from being addressed, and directed and stopped.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prevent
myself from actually being able to address points because I have separated
myself from them as allowing fear, so I cannot face them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
system of fear to avoid facing things I don’t like, instead of facing all things
as equal and one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize
I cannot face any point for real, until I can face all points, without fear.
When and as I see myself acting out fear within myself, in regards
to stopping a point within all my power as best, I commit myself to stop
breathe and direct the point of fear, so I can face all points, and not be
caught up in one place, because I refuse to stop my fear as equal to what I
permit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to permit fear
in regards to facing myself as life as self forgiveness.
I commit myself to further investigate fear in my life, even
though it will be scary.
No comments:
Post a Comment