Last night while writing
I had a realization, after I directly asked myself the question, “What do I
need to do?” I was asking in regards to how I can stand in each moment as each breath
to direct all points within me. Even though I understand the need to write out
everything, I still want to do as much as I can to support myself in standing
here in each moment as stopping as much participation and as many points as I
can.
I also take into
consideration that I should always be standing as stopping all mind energy
participation, because I have written about many things which I need to bring
to fruition as standing for what I have already written.
My answer to what
do I need to do? As what can I do to support myself in my day to day, was see
just how much I can stop within my participation as thinking.
Thinking is the
point where I draw the line of, It’s ok to think because you need to be able to
think about certain things, like going to work, paying bills, eating, ect.
In my mind I
equated not thinking at all to being like a zombie, but after a day of trying
to just not think and still go about my business, I realized just how capable I
am without thinking.
I felt like by
not thinking I was giving strength to a cognitive part of me here which I have
been neglecting. The part of me that can understand, grasp, act, move, make decisions,
and still think about things to a degree, such as tomorrow I will do this, next
I will do this.
But, very
decisively,
It was an experience
of having just let go of everything, and placing total trust in myself to be
able to reason, act, deduct, and think, without any direct mind participation.
It should have been
liberating to realize all I was capable of, but it was just an experiment, not
something I have really written out, and not something I can really stand by
yet, but very informative, very supportive in my day to day activities.
Then something
came up, where I moved myself energetically, but because I was not directly
thinking, I had the thought in my head come up, as ‘It’s time to move’, or
maybe something like ‘this is it, I can do this now’, in regards to moving
myself as energy.
By trying to stop
all thinking participation, to an extent I had never considered before,
I realized just
how much power these words like coding in my mind work, far beyond my direct
participation and very deeply encoded in my mind system.
I realized that
everything that exist in my mind seems to be encoded with some kind of trigger
through a direct word or a symbol which still represents a particular
expression and can be connected back to words.
I want to address
a particular set of words,
The words that
are triggering me to act out my energy movement system.
These words sound
like, ‘this is it’, ‘do it’, ‘you’re complacent’, ‘this time I will make it’, ‘now’,
‘go’
These are the
words I can actually hear within me, (some being felt more or less like actual
words, but more like a feeling or expression)
These are the
words that I respond to, and then immediately act out the energetic system, I
have already begun to write out in self forgiveness.
So in this experiment
I derived for myself, it was like I really did support myself, because in these
moments I could see the reaction unfold, I would realize ‘I’m complacent’, not
as a realization for myself, but as a reaction to noting I’m not acting on the
energy level I am addicted to.
Then it’s like ‘go’,
‘now’, ‘do it’
Then I start
acting it out and moving the energy within myself, which at this point I am beginning
to see more and more, of how it is not supporting me.
Then when the
doubt kicks in, like ‘why am I doing this’,’ this won’t accomplish anything’, I
hear the words, ‘This time you’ve got it down for real’, ‘this time will be it’
It’s like
everything in my life accumulated to just a handful of words in my head,
telling me what to do.
So many layers,
so many points, going back as far as I can remember, infact I can relate these
words back to my very first memory, ‘do it’, it was an emotional reaction to
another toddler finding a rock, and me swiping it out of his hand, and I can
remember in my mind it was like the same word symbol expression as I have to
this day still possessing me, ‘do it’, and I obey.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to obey my mind.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to obey the command ‘do it’, as the command
to act on the fulfillment of my mind as energy.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to obey my mind’s instructions as a means of maintaining
myself as a mind system of energy.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and
my participation on earth, for the security of energy supply for myself as a
mind system.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and be here where I can see
what is occurring in my mind, and make the decision for myself to stand for
what is best, instead of the compulsive grab for energy as mind.
Within my very
first memory of acting out this system, as the memory of being in pre-school
and knocking a rock out of someone’s hand because I saw how happy it made them.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to see that this person was happy, and feel jealous
of them because I did not identify as being happy in that moment.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I could make myself feel better
by making them unhappy.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the realization that I can make
myself feel better by making someone else feel worse, with the experience of
being moved to action by energy.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to act on this energetic experience of
movement.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to assault another human as knocking the rock
out of their hand, because I wanted to feel better within the energetic experience
of taking away someone’s happiness.
Then after the assault
took place, I remember him starting to cry, and me feeling very bad and guilty.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to react with my own decision to knock the
rock out of another toddler’s hand, with guilt because I had seen how I had
hurt another person’s feelings.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for my actions instead of
standing up to myself and facing what I did without judgment.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a ‘bad kid’, for
making some one else cry.
I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to accept a system that tells me what to do
to make myself feel good, and then makes me feel bad for doing it in the first
place.
I commit myself
to not act on the expression as ‘do it’.
I commit myself
to stop breathe and correct when and as I see myself reacting to feeling like I
am unsatisfied within myself and acting on the symbol word expression of ‘do it’
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