Day- 9 Song in the head Backchat part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I cannot stop the back chat in my mind of a song playing on loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the power to stop the song in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because I feel as though this back chat of a song playing on loop will go on forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unsure of how to address this song back chat in my head, because I feel like nothing is working.

I see how I feel within me the experiences and emotions I had when I initially listened to the song in my head.

I see how that can be traced back as to when I initially gave this song the power over me, and how I am subconsciously seeking for that emotion or feeling again through this song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to the emotions I expierence while listening to music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not initially just enjoyed the music, but instead formed mental attachments that I seek for to re-open within my mind in the form of music in my head playing on a loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define certain periods as times in my life off of a song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto moments in my life by ingraining them with a sound that reflected how I felt at that time based on how I reacted to that song.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to move forward with my life because I desire to relive my past emotions and feel good experiences through the songs which I have defined them by.

I remember listening to romantic songs about relationships and forming a connection to those.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define how I feel towards other people by songs, and not by what is here existing for real during my interactions with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have allowed myself to play these songs on loop for my whole life without ever having questioned the authority I’ve given songs and music over the way I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply enjoy the expression of a song, but instead expierence it within my mind as a particular expression which I try to posses as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to posses myself as the expression of music, and in repercussion become constantly possessed by these songs as back chats playing like a conversation over and over.

I hear songs in my head that while listening to them I felt totally immersed and engaged in the experience of the song,

I want to bring up a relevant thought here,

I have this thought of, ‘I’ve done this before, I’ve written this point out before, why can’t I just get the thing out of my head’

I realize this is because as I have been stating in my writing and Vlogs over the past few days, writing self forgiveness does not simply fix things on its own.

I did not efficiently write or stand by my writings of self forgiveness last time that I wrote them out (some time ago), because I would have become able to stop them within myself at least to some degree, but I cannot efficiently stop the songs in my head to any degree at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reinforce the songs in my head by having written self forgiveness about them in the past without using my full attention and effort, as I clearly just gleamed over the points of song in head, without actually going into the depth required for self honesty, and the actual time and work it takes to stop them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take songs in my head seriously enough for me to have written this past self forgiveness without really going into myself and looking at the situation in self honesty and taking it seriously as I would any other back chat or thought in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid for having to put so much time and dedication into stopping something so ‘simple’ as a thought in my head as a song in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the songs in my head as simple, when they are not simple, they are based on years of repetion of listening to songs and ingraining the reactions and emotions I have toward the songs very deeply in my psyche.

I commit myself to not judge these songs in my head as to not further ingrain them with more mind attachment and definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back-chat of ‘I don’t know how much writing it will take to sort out the point of songs in my head.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself here within my writing of self forgiveness and self commitment to be capable of writing out and facing what I have myself created in my mind as the mind system of songs in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to direct myself within my writing here because I fear I have given more power to my feelings and emotions within music then I have within life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the expression of music over the expression of life where I am ready to give up on facing a point of music in my head, out of fear of just how deeply it has burrowed itself within me due to my participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize that regardless of how I fear this point, it is a result of my own creation, and is in forth my responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point in the seriousness and specificity necessary to come to terms with it when I initially addressed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the songs in my head with the feeling of joy of hearing the song, as the expierence of being brought back into original moment I listened to the song for real and had said expierence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to songs with the expierence of riding the wave, and in doing so directly placing myself outside of myself and allowing the song to make me feel whatever its intention is to make me feel.

So, I see now how it’s not just a song in my head, it’s about how I feel, and I personally not being someone who derives feelings to the extent in general activities as I do to music, I see how this is the song in my head, but also about my feelings, which I very often expierence in music more then I do in my day to day living.

I want to just let this point be wherever I have left it for now, but I’m not comfortable with doing that, because I do not want to leave myself in the same position where I essentially just skimmed over the point, and never got to the heart of the matter.

Even though I did ‘crack’ a few dents in it by making note of certain connections, and certain memories, I still feel like ending here would be too abrupt, and  I am going to dive further into this matter in this post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am going on too long about this particular point, and not that no one who might read this wants me to go on any longer about the point of song in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be persuaded by my own thoughts to not give my all into my self forgiveness regarding the point of music playing constantly in my head because I am still allowing it to be seen as something that will look dumb to other’s and by doing this enforcing my judgment of this being a dumb point.

I commit myself to stand up to myself as self judgment as fear of reacting with judgment of myself in regards to others perception.

I commit myself to let no trivial thoughts and judgments get in the way of what I can see for myself is something that matters within my process of addressing mental disturbances and abuses.

I commit myself to use this point as a lesson in why self forgiveness needs to be written in self honesty, where I can see within myself the impact of my words here in front of me and spoken aloud, where I can see where I waver and refuse to stand up.

When does the music play?

It could play in my head at any time, and even though for the most part I expierence silence, I feel like a good duration of my time on earth has been possessed by these moments of songs playing in my mind beyond my control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having such a ‘foolish’ problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this problem as foolish, even though I have already stated to myself the intricacies of this point, and how it relates to perhaps even half of my most extreme feeling experiences.

In a sense it’s like my most intense emotions and feelings I’ve ever had in my life, or playing out on repeat in the form of these songs, and these are feelings I have given great regard to, and have allowed myself to push me in the direction of their choosing unconsciously.

I have this experience of what feels exactly like I am physically trying to reach these songs in my mind to stop them, but what drew my attention to wanting to address this point, besides just how prevalent I have noticed it to be, was like this experience of the song in my head having the ability of a repellent where I cannot even get close to touching it at it’s core before I am pushed away, and this feeling of it being to big to get around it, so it’s like I charge to get through the force field and am pushed away.

That entire experience is just of trying to stop the song from playing for an instant.

I commit myself to further write out and investigate this point.

I am not comfortable with writing out self correction and stopping breathing and correcting within any particular relationship to this back chat as song in my head, because in doing so know, I would be being dishonest, in that I can see within me, that this particular point needs more investigation and writing, and given time to sit as I explore it in self investigation in my day to day,

But, I will make the commitment of, I commit myself to further investigate the songs in my head, and to further commit myself to make self commitment statements that I can trust myself within self honesty to stand by, to not degrade the value and self commitment I give to these statements, by not making them and expecting them to just fix all my problems without me as the source of my self commitment as life.