Here is my first ever vlog post, if you're at all interested in meeting me! I appreciate it. Please note: I say I don't want to hear from others, what I mean is that I fear facing judgement from within myself when I hear from other's, but that I do infact want to hear any thoughts, ideas, and comments, so please share your views! Thank you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oWVSVl3FDg&feature=youtu.be
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Moving forward,
In yesterday's post I wrote out the way that I participate in the movement of energy within myself, and how I abuse energy as equating it to self direction as self movement, when really it's not self movement, it's the movement of energy within my mind.
This brings up a big point immediately... Wow I'm using a lot of energy within my mind! What a frickin waste! It could be used as a source within myself to direct myself within self forgiveness and self correction!
The energy will not fix me, but that does not mean I should be using my mind system energy to get my fix either, to get my buzz off of my energetic system within myself.
First thing I need to do is write out this addiction to a degree, to get a foot hold.
Just because it is not a physical drug I am ingesting, I see that I am very much addicted to this energy movement, in the form of feelings, emotions, or most specifically, my directing of energy within myself as the circulation of energy experience within myself.
As I wrote out yesterday, but want to reiterate... What a crying shame, to use the veil of self correction, to be addicted to energy, where there is no correction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my own responsibility for what I realize is a real addiction, just because it has nothing to do with physical ingestion.
It is common knowledge that sex addiction is a real thing, although that is not the particular form of energy addiction I am writing out in this post, it is still worth writing out to show myself its relevance. It also shows that addiction is not just substance abuse, be it gambling, sex, emotion, behavioral addictions, ect, addiction comes from the mind, and can encompass anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not respect mental illness as a serious problem, just as I would a physical injury.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the movement of energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the system of feeling at peace through energy addiction.
What I have tried to do in getting to the state of Nirvana through the movement of energy, could easily be tied back to my brief spout with spirituality.
I never gained a single thing from the new age spirituality movement, except for enjoyment of the concepts and ideas, enjoyment from the videos, and I felt funny one time after meditating! Wow, thanks new age, on the other hand, I can sit down and write self forgiveness and have opportunity to change who I am into something actually good, and not just feel good. I can sit down and have one of these opportunities to actually change myself and see the impact of my self forgiveness and self correction within days if not minutes as I start to will myself as my actual power here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after all I have seen within desteni, to still fall back on the mind system addiction personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach peace as Nirvana within energy abuse, as self abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my addiction because I allowed myself to believe it was best for life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on the product of life.
It's too funny now that I have another memory... People have consistently said that I seem high on life, because I can be very happy-go-lucky when I'm with close friends. Yet it turns out, there are no rehab centers for being high off life, so I take to myself, as my writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to energy because I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something.
When I stop a point in self forgiveness as self correction there's generally no, wow I did it! Wow I feel great! Wow I want more of this!
Because it is very grounding, very here, very real, so It's easy to see how one might desire to get a Wow!, out of self correction and self forgiveness as I tried to accomplish within energy movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to get the wow experience out of my self forgiveness and self correction.
Sometimes maybe there will be wow! moments through my process, but I should be able to stand by myself and not give into moments. I am a time addict as well come to think of it! Haven't you ever wanted just one more moment doing or experiencing something?
I also wanted to mention a Terrance Mckenna quote that this all makes me think of.
I cannot find the exact quote, but it spoke about the death of the ego though astonishment, essentially.
The funny thing is that he was regarding to death of the ego through taking psychedelics, and then being so astonished in amazement of the wonderful visions and experiences.
It's funny that the self forgiveness process is a lot like that... The initial astonishment is like, holy cow I've been creating abuse within my mind through my whole life! Then the astonishment is like, ohh I can fix it though, through self forgiveness!
This brings some more light to my energy addiction as the desire to direct myself to nirvana within myself as energy, because I was a big fan of Terrance's speeches, and was very very fascinated with the ideas of floating globular spheres existing interdenominationally and of course all the fun elves and gnomes, whom have yet to properly introduce themselves, maybe it is better I don't go looking for them, if they want not to be seen so badly that they only introduce themselves to people who are deeply hallucinating.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make my pretend a reality for just a moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the grand irrelevance of dreams, interdenominational beings, and god, when they have not presented to me anything that I can use to support myself as life in each breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the signs of my energy abuse sooner, within my desire to take hallucinogenics.
The desire to take hallucinogenics had nothing to do with learning or introspection, like how you can learn from a dream and write out points from a dream, it's the desire to escape from self responsibility. The desire to be an abuser, here, but not concerned with what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have grand experiences which would make me a special person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have great energetic and hallucinogenic experiences.
After fleshing out a few memories, as I know that I'm not escaping my past as change, I am changing as one and equal to who I was in the past, and so I know that my memories will remain controlling who I am, unless I direct myself to change for real, and forgive through self forgiveness the attachments I hold as and within memories.
After expressing myself as doing some investigative writing, as opening up different points, connections, memories, and giving myself to do some self forgiveness where I might not have initially expected, I'd like to write about what I am already seeing as change within myself since my last self forgiveness post.
One thing I learned since my last post, is that I have boxed myself into thinking It's impossible to use energy, to use thoughts, and to use thinking as a means of stopping the mind.
When it is actually the contrary.
I cannot get up and go eat without thinking about it, I cannot decide to go to work without thinking it's time to go to work, the mind can be a tool when I am the one directing it, and I am only permitting what is best for myself as life within this tool.
The same to some degree can be said about the movement of energy in regards to stopping a point within myself.
I should be using every resource I have to stop, breathe, and correct whenever the time comes to do so, but the problem was that I was not directing this energy movement within what is best for life, and I was not using it as an efficient way to stop the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the liberty of using every resource I have within my mind and body, to stop, breathe, and correct as the acting of my self forgiveness and self corrective statements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being bad for trying to use certain aspects of myself to stop, breathe, and correct.
Why would I believe that I should not test everything within myself to see what the best means of self direction is, as long as it weren't infringing on someone else.
Another thing I learned since my last post, is, I have made stopping, breathing, and correcting as the self corrective acting out of my self forgiveness a very energetic thing.
To the point where half way through my shift at work, I was like, 'I'm way to tired to direct all these points that keep coming up within my mind.'
The kicker is that, I was not physically tired, as I was able to finish my shift at work swimmingly, it was an experience of being tired. Because I have made directing myself as a very energetic experience, I'm still using way too much energy within myself for the simple act of stopping, breathing, and correcting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blow out my internal energy that I might need to use for self correction, because I have made self correction into an action of internal energy, and not an action of self will as self directing self without mind abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the system of energy in replacement of self correction as self direction in breathe as self movement, because I desire to have a great spiritual experience within the directing of points within myself, which is chewing up all my energy and not ok, because that's still something I rely on on within where I am within my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I'm not correcting myself the correct way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my fear of not being able to efficiently correct myself as self direction within each point that occur in real time, because I fear failing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I lost sight of what mattered as self forgiveness and self corrective statements and the real world application of them.
I realize that is is better to try and fail every-time, then to just give up.
I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when I experience fear for having failed to direct myself to the standard I regard as being best.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to do, 'the' best, as apposed to doing, 'my' best.
I commit myself to try to direct myself any way I can, within reaching the goal of stopping, breathing, and directing, as subsequently being here as life as best for all without separation from what is here.
I commit myself to try again, and I commit myself to fail again, so that I can stand back up and learn from the consequences.
Earlier today I was upset that I did not feel I had lived up to what I had written for myself, but clearly I did live up to it, I wrote my experiences out in self forgiveness and in self honesty, and now I realize I was lucky to have failed, because from that point through self support, I will stand even stronger, as I get an opportunity to see where I have fallen.
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