Day- 5 Decisions and Gossip

The other day, I spoke about someone at work, the person who I spoke to would not be someone to spread what I said about this specific person, but I was worried that someone else might have over heard what I said.

I was speaking about this person fondly, but what I brought up is something this person would not like to have had me speaking about.

I was gossiping.

I don't think about when I behave that way, but I need to start considering the words I say.

The fact that I said something that could infringe on someone else's reputation and job security was not acceptable.

It was in this moment I realized, I allow myself to say what I please, and use the shroud of, 'I speak my mind, and just don't think about what I'm saying.'

I have escaped facing the words I speak, because I define myself as, innocent, as I don't think, I just speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constitute saying whatever comes out, as the same thing as speaking directly and without mind influence.

A friend of mine said to me the other day, while there was a spat of gossip going around work, he said in regards to the rumors going around, "mouth's talk", and that's what I allow mine to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility for what I say in my words because I believe that I am above gossip, and simply am speaking whatever comes out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am above what I say, because I perpetuate my words within myself as being just something that occurs, as if they are separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my behavior within my words get out of hand, to the point that I could have potentially damaged someone else's career opportunity, by speaking to another person about something that I simply did not need to bring up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the behavior of, 'I'll just say whatever, and see what happens.'

I commit myself to stand up to myself as my words.

I commit myself to realize and consider what I am saying, and not leave it up to 'whatever comes out, will be what I will have said'

How can I think that I care about what is best, when it is clear I only care about what is in my personal ego's interest of best, which is not best, and is why I am where I am in my life, where struggles and conflicts are common place experience's.

What I say, what I do, where I place my attention, how I think; in the cases where thinking is a tool to support me as something I am directing for myself to support myself, who I choose to spend my time with, and how I choose to spend my time.

All of these things are relevant, but I treat what I do as if it is up to fate, and fate is not what is going to stand for me as life.

I say, 'It's fate that we met here', and so what if it was? I then go and act out the same behavior's resulting in the same consequences regardless of who or where, or fate or coincidence.

I'm glad to have said what I did, only because it allowed me to actually look at my behavior in self honesty, but to have allowed my own learning experience to occur at what could potentially be at the stake of another's as the potential for my gossip to spread around to other's was not ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I said would be spread around to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I had created as my words, instead of facing up to them in that moment, and making the decision that I must stop such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I said, even though this regret only creates further damage as separating me from what I have done, as allowing myself to not face my issues in my word's but to instead wish I had not said them, as if there is any going back form what had already been heard by whomever will hear it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify spreading a rumor about another person, just because I am fond of the person I spoke of, and to not consider the rumor as a bad thing, even though it could be interpreted as a bad thing by certain other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that my words could spread to the wrong people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed when I realized the gravity of what I was participating in within my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the conviction to face what I say, as being what I participate and accept within the world, and instead, hiding behind a plethora of emotions which fog my perception, and prevent my abilities to direct myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friend would be mad at me, if he knew that I was talking about him, when I ought not to have been doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my friend would view me with hate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not draw the line within my mind that, I am not responsible for someone else's reaction's directed toward my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person, when the inappropriateness of how I use my words dawned upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself this way in regards to the way I speak, instead of simply changing the way I speak, so that I will not longer allow my words to reflect anything that is not best for life.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I experience emotion revolving around the rumor I have spread.

This is consequence, I allow myself to behave the way I do, nothing makes me behave the way I do, so I am 'sleeping in the bed I have made', but this is my chance to change, I commit myself to stand by myself when facing the words I have spoken, regardless of whether they were good or bad, they are my words, and I must face the consequences either way.

I remember an analogy about how you can take an arrow out of a tree, but you cannot take the mark out of the tree, this analogy being that you can change and move on from the past, but you cannot change the past itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my emotions of the past, even though I cannot change what caused the emotions as the events of the past, but I can change myself in the present as stopping my reactions, and stopping the emotions, and then directing myself to do better, and stand for what is best without holding onto 'what might have been'.

I have only just started to consider my behavior as needing to be changed for what is best for life, because I have been so caught up in my own pursuit of doing what is best for life, as what I want to face, and what I view as being in my personal interest of success as being at peace, but that has fallen apart, because it was never something I could have stood for, and was always going to fall, whether I realized it now or later, I face consequence because of what I participate and allow.

It was inevitable I must face all points, all participation, and so I stop, breathe, and correct, as living up to what I have allowed, and committing myself to not let my behaviors persist unless they are what is best.

I commit myself to learn what is best through self support and guidance through self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because one thing I know know, is that it is not best to find out the hard way through negligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confused as giving into the reaction of confusion in relationship to the thought I am allowing myself to be directed by in this moment of 'How will I know what is the best action, and the best decision to make?'

My answer to this thought, as I do not need to find out the answer the hard way, and instead face it here and now in my writing, is that actions are real things, words spoken by voice are real, they are only what life define them as when it comes to labels and symbols such as good and bad, and so I must for myself decide what is best, but I must make sure it is not the hard way, because sometimes it's too late to find out that way, which means it is never ok to find out that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confused about what actions and what decisions are best, because there is no empirical right or wrong, it is what we as life decide for ourselves, sometimes we find out the hard way through unpleasant consequence, and sometimes we just realize in common sense, this is better for life, so this is what I do, no thought, just action's in common sense.