Something I found in my computer files- 12/23/2015

12/23/2015

Yesterday I wrote about how I overload myself when I force myself to look for and seek out things to be directive over within my mind, and about how I am perpetuating ever more mental detachment within that process. I realize how being self directive in each moment is not just an idea to be obtained.

On the other side of the spectrum there is the point in my expiernce where I feel like I am in limbo. Breathing through and directing only things that are particularly bothering me, and not really decisive or devoted to any particular mental construct I want to pursue.

I realize how I have created this paradigm where I see myself as my own thoughts and ideas and expierences. I see how in trying to manipulate these constructs to ‘bend before me’ I am only hardwiring myself within this paradigm of either ‘On a roll in my mental participation’ or ’waiting for an oppritunity to assert myself into the mental gymnastic’ or after being totally rock bottom burnt out ‘just waiting for something to happen.’

I realize that there is always something happening within my experience of myself through my own mind and perception.

I realize that I am not being self honest and self directive when I see myself ‘going nuts’ trying to acquire peace of mind and bending over backwards to create some elaborate system within my mind and participation where I will myself into that state of mind of perfection and seeking all the benefits I imagine coinciding, and not realizing that I’m not really participating in an efficient way that could not even obtain my goals if they were obtainable as I imagine them.

Since addressing just one small piece of the paradigm I’ve found myself in, I have seen improvement, and wonder if I could do better by finding another point to write about.

One thing that is important to me is my job’s. I know that in writing for myself to be better, that it will transfer over to my efficiency and performance in my job. I have seen how the mind can affect the body, and how in writing out my mental participation it can support my body, or even simply put less stress on my body.

Because I know that I can do my best even if I am mentally not being supportive or practical, I want to write about a specific point in my work that could still translate to help me be successful as a worker.

In just thinking about wanting to do better at my work, I can see how in part why I want to do better is I fear being fired for not doing or being good enough at my employment.

I feel like it would be good to address that fear of having to leave one job station and have to go find another. To go through the application and employment process all over again, and not knowing if I will find a job I can be productive at.

I could write in about something that could pertain to me doing better at my current jobs, but I realize how in this job economy it is better to cover my bases, which means for any reason I could need to go job hunting again.

In thinking about my memories and feelings regarding job hunting, I can see what basic things to cover.

I realize being employed is important in being able to support yourself, and you never know what’s happening behind the scene at a business, and thus don’t know if they will be able to take you on, or if they are seeking to hire.

I see how I can support myself by being level headed, calm, and pacing myself while job hunting, and not ‘freaking out, that I am being left to my own devices with no guarantee of success’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go along with the idea that everyone is out for themselves, when I think about all the things in the world I view as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not prepared myself for the realities I must face as a human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my life does not consist of the perfect reality I would like the world to be.

I see that fearing that I must face the hash reality of job hunting is not supporting my idea of a perfect world.

I see that in a perfect world you do not fear being unable to support yourself financially.

I see how I can create that perfect world by not fearing job hunting, and simply doing my best at job hunting, should I ever need to job hunt again.

I see how I create detachment form the world when I fear it for not being what I think it should be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not find a job while job hunting and will have failed.

I realize I need an income sufficient enough to support me living in a home and having food, to not be homeless and without food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being homeless and without food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the emotional hardships that can come with being rejected from a job application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my reaction to being denied a job position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give onto myself the system of keep trying, don’t give up, and do your best.

When I recognize my reactions to job hunting, and stop breathe, and correct myself, I am able to function and do better, and thus support my mind, and my career, because having a healthy body and mind allows me to think and apply reason better when trying to find a job.

I commit myself to do my best for myself weither I am employed, or am job seeking, and to breathe through the experiences and reactions I have one breathe at a time.

…

Although I cannot self honestly commit myself to writing everyday, because I have found myself easily deciding I prefer not to write, or don’t like certain things about writing self forgiveness, by myself or in the destonian community, or because I don’t like to feel as if I have to write everyday, and how it can feel like a chore, or burden.

I realize these are things that I could simply write through if I wanted, and that at the very minimum I know that I enjoy writing self forgiveness, I think it is a very good thing, and that I see that if everyone did it we would have a perfect world, and that I could create that world by writing for everyone as myself as one part of everything equal.

I have a lot of layers built up surrounding writing self forgiveness from before I started to while, and to after I had not written for a prolonged period of time.

Once again I can easily address these experiences one grain at a time through how specific I can be by writing them out.

For today, I commit myself to have at least one thought of thinking about whiether or not I will write again for the 3rd consecutive day starting tomorrow since my withdraw from writing self forgiveness regularly.

Day 328- entertainment as purpose

Investigate desteni.org

Recently I've been making a habit of looking at myself on a deep level, finding a word that I am experiencing.

So it's like looking at who I am in my expression right there on the spot.

So instead of waiting for something to come up to dig into right now I can instead look at my expression right now and find something that's happening.

So, I feel heavy.

In working with my relationship to entertainment, I feel very heavy.

Like I get out of work and I want to watch some funny videos or listen to a song or watch tv...

So now what I see already is that I get a high off of doing that when I get home from work.

But now that I'm been consistently working on my relationship to entertainment and pushing myself to manage how much time I spend on media and to reduce it substantially, I'm hit with just how heavy I feel without being able to go into that realm, like it's another realm of existence like a dream.

What I think right now is... If I am really serious about how much time I spend on entertainment and then can't just rely on being able to compromise myself and binge on media/entertainment, then what's left for me?

I could go back to work... Write... Develop my other hobbies...

It puts me in a situation where I have to adapt...

That's all cool, the things that are potentially opening up, how I have been enjoying work more and more each day. Enjoying just being at work, to just be working.

It's all hit and miss right now though so I need to keep working toward actually being consistent everyday in my relationship to entertainment/media and how I'm managing it to make sure I'm being disciplined to focus the majority of my time outside of work not on entertainment but on self improvement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened by my limits on entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety and stress in relationship to cutting down on my entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist re-creating myself in a new way without as much entertainment and media fullfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety in re-creating myself to apply myself in other ways then media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into my anxiety and stress in relationship to being without as much entertainment/media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my stress and anxiety about not having media and entertainment that I then go into stress and anxiety to force myself to cave in like caving into a crying baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a crying baby going into anxiety and stress without stimulus in media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being weak for not being able to step away from my addiction without having to slowly approach how I manage my entertainment time/ my doses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to put into words the powerful experience that I have in relationship to media/ media outlets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I have created fullfillment and total pleasure and purpose within myself in the act of totally pacifying myself and just watching a screen without any direct interaction or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what kind of person I've allowed myself to be in placing my purpose in checking out completely and just watching a screen and feeding my impulse and stimulus in videos and games.

When and as I see myself becoming anxious about not being able to be fullfilled through media, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can be more fullfillled in actually doing things with myself and precisely managing how much time I spend on media, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself going over how much time I would schdule for myself to have in media to question what is it I'm trying to get out of this moment?

For example to this commitment... I got home and when I got on my computer it had the last thing I had watched on youtube up which was a Hearthstone tournament which is the card game I like...

So immidetely I impulsively want to just watch this tournament be a part of the excitement of a tournament, the suspense, the community, the purpose...

So that's what I all wanted out of it.

And what I did in this case was I saw what decks they were using and in self honesty admitted to myself this would not be that interesting of a match at all, because these two decks were both very liner and not based around a lot of decisions.

So in that moment of seeing... This is like watching two people flipping coins I was able to pull myself out and see the reality of this particular match.

So then in the future instead of just impulsively watching as much hearthstone and playing as much as I can I can spend the time I do dedicate to entertainment for the day more practically in watching a match up that is actually involving more interesting decks that aren't based on who draws enough damage to win first.

That's really cool thing I did here because Hearthstone is my biggest thing I do wihtin media, which is cool because I don't have to deal with tons and tons of diffrent tv shows and diffrent media outlets
my entertainment is ususally based entirely around Hearthstone and just youtube videos, both just has to do with a sense of community, but being able to pinpoint the things that I am addicted to specefically in media allows a much easier time in adressing them and writing them out and figuring out how I will change and apply myself.

Day 327- damnation is cool

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I was having to go back to my shame and regret anger ect of turning away from my calling in self forgivenss and walking with desteni.

I have to go back to it ever now and then because deep down I know when something is actually getting resolved or just held at bay for a little.

So I think it's like I've damned myself.

Like damn I messed up, I went the wrong way, so proud, so sure of myself, going go do things my own way.

And what I did, I tuned my back on myself.

So I'm fucked every day.

So negative so uncomfortable in my own body.

So lame so lost so deteriorated.

No solace no heaven only illusions.

Unbelievable.

The more I get to know myself the less surprising it is when i discover my nature.

What's my nature?

Pretty selfish, like, how do I managed to justify how selfish I am?

But then am I happy? What has being selfish gotten me? Nothing I'm in hell, the kind of hell when you have food shelter and everything you need phsycisl and yet nothing can statisfy nothing can bring comfort.

Pretty cool through, I'm out of outs, just have to go all in self forgivness oneness equality what's best for life, don't have any other ways out.

Can still Support myself and other's through my mistakes can be proud that I've come to the point of loss, lost all conceivable means of escape from who I need to be and what I must do with myself while I'm still alive.

No choice, the littlest things, a little spiteful comment, and I'm in trouble, the littlest thought... No good.

So cool though.

Every little things counts, every little thing, so cool.

This is awesome, I'm stuck here having no choice but to face myself to share myself.

Fantastic.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate my damnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate that I can see what needs to be done and don't have a choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate that I'm trapped and within being trapped I see I've trapped myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate that being trapped with my consquences allows me to see what I need to change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how awesome being at a dead end is where it's very clear what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate that however uncomfortable I am and constantly spiraling in my mind who I must be and what I must do is so simple and straightforward it's a blessing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate having nothing to loose and only what I can gain moving forward for real in giving what I'd like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate not having to think any more no need to have philosophy or having to think about things all deep, just do what's best for everyone, be my best, figure it out one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate being a 'bat out of hell'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the gift of self forviness that, what stands in what's best one and equal is what stands and what doesn't stand create consquence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate having the answer to everything, forgive and correct in a way that stands for life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate the simplicity, just forgive correct what stands stands what doesn't was no who I am.

When and as I see myself feeling desperate to end my discomfort somehow but not being able to, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what stands in self forviness and correction is all that matter and all that I need to support myself because it's the only thing that can support me any longer, thus, I commit myself to appreciate that no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how much my mind spirals out, I know what to do, to take it back to self in self forgivness and to correct.

Day 326- false character of 'dicipline'

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I had this experience of doing what I normally do as putting in the least amount of effort I could into my writing and other activities, some things I've just comepelty put off for an unknown time.

Same thing I have always done my whole life, but I see myself at an empass like, I didn't go into negatively of being lazy today or a few days before that also, I was just stating to myself that I'll get there it's no big deal, like I've lost that fire of the panic like 'I'm lazy I'm not getting anywhere', so then from there I have the chance to really move myself for real, I could move myself to diciplined instead of being moved by my fear, I could be persistent for real instead of being moved by fear of what will happen if I'm not dicipline and moving myself in such a way.

Then I see how I have moved mysked into percieveing myself as diciplined as through somehow I'm on the right track even if all my real actions and movements are counter productive to what I view as dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my parents for letting me learn my own lessons and dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents when faced with how undicplined I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embrarssed that I am not able to contribute my life in a diciplined way and sticking to the dicipline I lay out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard dicipline because I'm slowly more content with my life each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I won't push myself to the next level and go further then just being more content each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to hate revealing to other's that I've failed in my efforts to become more diciplined and have only found out the depth of how undicplined I am but haven't been able to move myself where I have set myself to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for putting myself on blast as admitting my failure of becoming diciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about being diciplined when no one is around and no one will know how lazy I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowing how lazy I am where I shouldn't be potraying myself as diciplined as a character when the facts aren't lining up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in making claims of becoming something through dicipline I loose the real movement and action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been satisfied with appearing to be diciplined and Feelings like I was on the brink of dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with the intimacy of dicipline which I was becoming aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie through other's as speaking of myself as if I was almost there that I was in some ways already there where I then loose sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself up like I'm diciplined without seeing how this usage of my words subtracts me from my self hoensty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my agenda to reveal my lack of dicipline and deception without any clue if I am going to be able to follow through and actually become diciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diciplined in private where I'd then hold my dicipline In other in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having what it takes and being close where I then in my defenition don't look at the facts of how much work and effort and time will be required.

When and as I see myself creating a perception of myself as diciplined character, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've somehow managed to do basically the same things as before but now percieve myself as diciplined, thus, I commit myself to get diciplined for real by looking at the results instead of just painting this picture of myself as diciplined regardless of not having changed any of the things that I define as laziness which I have commited to change.

Day 325- agenda behind humor

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A joke.

It usually goes that you don't expect the punchline, or the kicker.

You don't expect the joke because joking is not direct.

So for me, humor becomes a way to not have to directly deal with things, to deal with things in what appears positive but it really a sideways approach to something I'd rather not or don't have the energy to actually deal with.

I'll use humor to gain footing in a relationship, humor to shrug off serious issues and events.

Humor to slight others without coming right out and saying it.

I went over this generally the other day talking about trying not to play around at work as much which had been fine but in that I zoned in on how I use humor in slowing down going all in and taking things too far when I mess around at work I see how I try to be a clown try to make a good positive fun image for myself regardless of what state I'm really in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to try to get on people's good side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sounding of humor and tumor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what tumor am I letting grow when I supress with humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back on humor any time I can without even thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to gain footing in relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make people like me by being funny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm hiding something in humor where it's not hidden I can see my agena I'm just lying to other's and a part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I have nothing to offer my relationships without humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear humor being the only way people will like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to give myself an ego boost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to supress my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to supress my insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define humor as who I am where it's become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define humor as a solution when it's something I use a supressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humor to form relationships to then value myself as being liked and having friends.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see a corrupt starting point creates corrupt relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter how I form friendship if my starting point is to value myself I'm already devaluing myself within the relationship.

When and as I see myself using humor and jokes with people, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's nothing right or wrong about humor but when the starting point is an agenda to get on someone's good side or to make soemone like me I need to question where I've devalued myself, thus, I commit myself to bring awareness to my humor so I can make sure my humor is being lived and refined in a supportive way not just to be used to manipulate and supress inferiority.

Day 324- stemming the systems

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Things I don't realize I do.

I find myself not being aware of anything of my nature.

I just have a vauge sense like something is going on.

Then something snaps and I see... My real inner workings through reaction and stress and consquence.

I thought I was an aware person, aware of what was happening inside of me.

I've been aware that something is happening inside of me, but not how it's structured how it works how to define
 it.

To figure out how things work for real I need to put them in words look at the connections and relationships and interactions within me through words.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize there's always been words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my nature of being spiritual was just a word which could be traced back to time and events involving other words I was creating as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to figure out why everything is moving within me from my mind instead of looking at the words which trace back to how it began why it began.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the words I see in everything reflecting back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my behaviour as who I am instead of seeing what words it represents and how I can trace it back specefic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compumded things so much within me that I'm at a loss for words I can't find the words to trace back within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when I look at someone else there's many words that I see when I look at anyone else any other being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words I experience as exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that exhaustion can trace back to Feelings of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that feeling weak can trace back to not seeing myself as worth anything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see nor feeling I'm worth anything can trace back to seeking soemthing outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that seeking outside of myself can trace back to not being content.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that not being content can trace back to the word lost.

Exhaust lost.

When and as I see myself feeling exhausted, I stop, I breathe, I realize on the surface I'm not getting any new information but I'm digging into the actual creation and structure I can see from the word lost I've build the word exhaust, thus, I commit myself to when I am feeling exhausted to bring my awareness to what do I feel I've lost.

I've lost my purpose my value my meaning.

...

The long run.

I see myself trying to position myself for the long run.

Like just stick out with self forgivenss and apication keep improving everyday study work support the change learn from others process.

Simple, but I have to do it.

Then resistance.

Maybe so much resistance I can't even write it all out.

Overwhelmed

But I'm not taking all that long run goal and taking it on all at once, but in my mind I do like I take it all at once and shut down like I cannot do all of this.

I don't want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the perfect solution for myself in my long term goals and commitments and throw it all away because 'I don't want to do it'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power over myself to the statement 'I don't want to'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let what I want to do influence me my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as spoiled that I can't follow through with what I see is best just because of allowing myself to be entitled to 'what I want to do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the statement ' I don't want to'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn within the statement I don't want to whereI then fight if I don't get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's for not installing a dicipline and an effective nature within me where I'm an adult now, it's my job to forgive and reinstall my nature.

When and as I see myself blaming others for not installing a dicipline in me where I'm not influenced by the statement I don't want to, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's my job now as an adult to reinstall my nature from I don't want to, to willing myself into action regardless of what comes up within me as irrelevant points of resistance.

Day 323- learning dicipline within entertainment

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Being diciplined is not easy

I'm not being very cooperative on being diciplined within myself and my living.

I've isolated my dicipline problems to entertainment.

I will just sit there watching videos and playing games and I just completely snuff out the part of me saying to stop and go do something productive.

I have my moments where I do a really good job, but then I'm just in a tug of war with moments.

So I was looking at entertainment and got some good Intel.

I was thinking about how that what is it I get from just zoning out and watching these vidoes or even a show or playing a game.

There's really nothing, my card game I play Is the closest thing to critical strategizing and analyzing and thinking planning ect... But even still I should be able to manage that I only play for an appropriate amount of time each day, but then I'll want to go do something else.

So I was thinking it's just an additctiion

If I can't stop myself when I'm supposed to it's just stimulas hiding from how reality is big and scary but easily hidden from through games and media

Then when I have to go to work, I'm like... I wish I had done something more productive and had written more because now work is kicking my ass with consquences and it didn't have to be this way.

So that's the split personality.

One personality likes to just hide and supress maybe things just get better on their own.

The other is like I got the picture here there's no hiding.

I gotta shut down both of these personalities within me becuase they are at war with each other and one of them is pretty mean to the other one not going to name which one it is to not make it personal.

So there's possibly the important thing that it's seeing entertainment and going over my entertainment time as an addiction.

It is fullfilling to just wake up and watch videos and playing games before work, Because work is going to be stressful no matter how much I write it out so instead I just try to get high off entertainment before the low of work.

Then for all that it is, by the time I go to work I am high, I'm high off the stimulus of entertainment.

I'm like in a passive haze, the consquences of getting high off entertainment which then dulls me out at work like I never really even woke up just stayed in a haze all mourning before work then remain in that haze through work, then after work my decesion making is still wonkus because of this haze I've been in.

Then maybe I find some more ways to stimulate musled after work go to bed early and maybe I do this pattern for the rest of my life, just in a haze.

What's the point?

What is the point that sticks out?

What is the point that I can write out in self forgiveness from here?

I could say... Stop being lazy and just do it!

That's valid for a little... Until the point that is the real problem comes back with vengeance.

So I need the point so I can do this for real.

I'll need time to keep rooting it out.

For now an important point is that I see entertainment as something that has power over me.

I see my life as not fullfilled without copius amounts of entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrenching in my gut like I need to get high off entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this wrenching in my gut as showing me look at how uncomfortable I am without blowing my time on media I need to feed my addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the reality I know that my wrenching for entertainment physically is how I have designed myself through energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this wrenching in my stomach of discomfort and unsettledness where part of stopping this programing at some point will have to include me not giving in and making it clear that I'm not going to let this feeling I've developed decide how I spend my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with the knowledge that this is just a system the more I stop participating and recreate myself the lesser it's influence over me will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder when I will take my stand against this system of entertainment addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that this time will be the time when I know that's also a system I use to create the illusion of progression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having faultering as having lost my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having lost progress when I'm still in this to see it through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use knowing that I'm in if to see it through eventually as an excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that I'll get there eventually and thus get in my own way because I'll get there eventually why even try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not try harder to support myself where I know time matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with time where the more time I waste in not pushing myself harder the more consquences catch up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can beat the consquences and somehow giving into the entertainment will not create consquences where, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consquences isn't in giving into the system of entertainment, it's the consquences of what I'm not doing as writting and taking self responsability for doing productive things.

When and as I see myself fearing the consquences of giving into entertainment more then I'm supposed to in a single day, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the consquences are of what I'm not doing not the entertainment itself, thus, I commit myself to see into the future of what consquences will come of not managing my time properly when I see myself about to go over my entertainment time for the day.

322- 'gotta go fast'

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I feel like a bullet

Like I go really fast

Then I see with that I'm pretty impulsive and don't think about things

Like I'll have point coming up within me and I'll 'boom boom boom', and then SF and deal with it even if in my head, and then another point.... And then ok, 'boom boom boom', SF take it out, got it all under control... Then another one comes up...

Then it's like... When does this stop??

It's fun though, it took a while but I really do think I've crafted a good sort of basket for myself within my life and process that I can just enjoy things and keep moving myself, to bask in it all, all my basic needs covered, all my bases covered.

Sometimes if I get a little stuck I have lots of people I can talk to... and easy access to just whatever perspective is already out there on the forum, EQAFE, Journey to life blogs.

I like to share SF and Desteni with people and I think that's a good skill for me because I think when I get to know someone they get me, and know where I'm coming from and know that I just am coming from a good place, but I've also dealt a lot with the pitfalls in that of being a savior and having some power over other's and that's irrelevant because it just creates consequences so stop creating consequences and stop doing things that are coming from a point of separation that creates consequences mathematical.

I got some hobbies some plans for school maybe, idk, it's all pretty chill just live my mom having a grand old time...

Desteni at some point is going to have to pick up more people doing SF participating, I want to keep being really open and transparent and sharing myself because I think that's comforting for people who are new to Desteni and that's what I wish I to have when I was just getting into things it was comforting to be able to just read about someone else having a problem and seeing them openly sharing about it and then writing out the problem and that's the whole thing on earth is to just write out all the problems.

I think part of my gotta go fast is like... Desteni's going to pick up, let's stop fooling around let's get moving gotta get ready...

That's sort of based on yesterday where I was thinking about the future and about how I see utopia coming through desteni, and it's the same principle from yesterday I'm going to fast, I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't need to be able to support anyone else all I want from myself is to be transparent be clear what I'm walking and making it clear to see...

That's all I need to do from myself at the moment...

So within that there's no rush I'm already doing that, nothing else works, I tested it, there's nothing else I'm not going to bother with anything else it's just SF SC, everything else is a place holder until the real deal starts with self forgiveness and self correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to fast that I can't slow down and see what i'm creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so fast my whole like that just today I sit down and look back and think, that just happened pretty fast that I've created my whole life up to this point without any awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I can look back and see a total lack of awaraeness quickly moving myself to take what's convenient and in front of me without any attention to what I'm living and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself breathe by breathe to see what exactly I'm creating within everything I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to slow down and see what I'm creating see if I'm creating to my best potential see what moves me what motivates me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself to relate back to myself what I'm creating and why when I look to other's where other's cant' attest to me and what I've created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the awareness in each breathe of who am I, what am I creating, what moves me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fastness within my life where I'm always racing to get through alway quickly taking whatever is convientant without question of what it is representing and creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the expirence of moving fast, quickly making deceesions, quickly assuming, quickly taking what's easiest path for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself impulsively to take what I want where I expierence myself quickly moving out of my condition and into another condition.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in quickly trying to get a quick fix for my problems in impulse and lack of consideration of consquenes I just immidtely walk into a new set of problems over laid over my prior set of problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the self repospansability of just slowing down seeing what I'm participating in creating, what are the consquenes, don't just impulsively drag myself down into another pit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what my life has come to after my whole life being reflected in who I am in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that who I am within what I've created of my whole life is right in front of me in a single breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this extreme uncalled for velosity within myself wherein I suffer my way through time pushing forward in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this inirita and turn it around into slowing down stop pushing my way through time but just move myself breathe by breathe everything will come natrually I don't need to dominate myself it's problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through time waiting for something intresting to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through time waiting for something to stimulate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through time in fear and panic.

When and as I see myself rushing through time quickly and impulstively moving myself not moving myself slowly and deleberately breathe by breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize in moving myself fast I can feel that pressure on my heart the fear the urgency, thus, I commit myself to shift myself from creating myself impulsively skipping breathes to taking on each breathe and everything that comes up in breathe as my full responsibility to not be rushed through.

I commit myself to in each breathe put as much effort as I can into slowing down my velocity before I give myself a heart attack from going too fast not slowing down not brining awarness to msyelf and what i'm creating, where I can quickly create massive consquenes for myself if I don't slow down and be aware of what I'm creating in each breathe not moving so fast that I skip many many breathes and put pressure on other parts of my body.

Day 321- imagining tomorrow

I look at this picture and I get it... It's a utopia tomorrow land and that's cool, I see that I got it, but to get there first thing I need to do is stabilize myself walk myself out that's going to take many years or my whole life, so the point is I see this picture but instead of going into fantasy and experience about it I'm just seeing it a a refrence like to get there I need to start with myself and that's going to take a lot of work, but I'm here I'm clearlry doing it I trust myself to keep doing it, so I just then continue, the only way to get to that utpoia is to just keep breathing and moving and you just gotta keep going which actually does start to make me feel a little something but still creates a good outline for the picture as a refrence to just keep moving to achieve something takes time and real movement.

Investigate desteni.org

I imagine the farthest future where earth is a utopia and everything is cool.

Then I imagine Tomorrow which I will be around to live for and it's not cool.

I don't need to imagine tomrrow sucking, becuase I've consitently proven every day is going to suck until I don't know how long I just have so many things moving within me that always catch up to me.

So either way, the future of the farthest future where I won't be around, or the future tomrrow where I'll be there and I know what will happen tomorrow, I can't game the system, certain things simply will happen, frustration, anger, judgement, lostness, thoughts, backchats, pain.

Certain things simply will happen in my future, without having to be a psychic for me to say what the future holds for everyone.

Or maybe I could say I'm a psychic, and I'd say Tomorrow something will catch up to you, something will get you emotional will upset you. In my near future, in everyone's near future something is going to suck Tomorrow, I'm going to make some problems for myself and so is everyone else.

I'm going to really makes some problems for myself tommrow actually... Then I say that and I get a little scared... Like... What's going to happen??? But what I mean is every day I know tomorrow is going to have some problems, and then they happen and I forget, like, wow I knew there'd be soemthing today... But this I was not prepared for.

So I'm saying to myself, be prepared, because I don't know a day I can remember where I wasn't surprised at the degree of problems and instability I manage to create, so I commit myself to stop being so suprised and to get the picture of my nature through to me for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play no role in the creation of the future within fantasising about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about how beautiful the future will be where within this I'm not actually creating that future just sitting back like 'the future will be fine so I don't need to do anything'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how easily influenced my ideas about the future is where when I was listening to Alex Jones I thought the world was about to go to war at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that the future I imagine of utopia wants me to create it, I want to forgive myself and prepare myself to be what's needed to create the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about what the future will look like one day where I'm getting billions of breathes ahead of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of getting one breathe ahead of myself but not consider the consequences of getting billions of breathes ahead of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so many breathes ahead of myself that it's impossible to count.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fantasy of the future within my tiredness to justify dragging myself day in and out through tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about the future where I fear seeing who I'll actually be and create for the future of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what the future holds at all where I need to focus on the practical and the self movement and the self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live even a single breathe ahead of myself where I don't like where I am but am predicting one day I will like where I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create who I'd like to be right now in the present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the challenges I have to face in the future where if they're in the future then the best way to prepare is here breathe by breathr and then deal with the problem when I get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be pushing for the future when I need to slow down and get real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be all about tomorrow instead of moving myself into Tomorrow breathe by breathe being aware of every breathe it will take to reach tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine tomrrow as being boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine tomrrow as being scary.

When and as I see myself creating ideas about the future weither tomorrow or a thousand years, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I create tomrrow right now and my mind just wants to get ahead and try to control everything but really I personally know that nothing that could happen tomrrow would change what I need to do with myself breathe by breathe, thus, I commit myself to create the future in movement in time and space not in my ideas and trying to grasp the future before it's here.

Day 320- playing at work

Investigate desteni.org

I hate my current relationship to playing at work.

I get too reckless and inconsiderate when I play with others at work.

I try to impress too much.

Then when I'm by myself at work and not directly interacting with or working with someone else I'm not living the word play at all, I see myself only living the word play in relationship to other's when other's are around me.

Some things have come up, and I'm going to take a stab at just cutting play out of my work, it keeps leading to the same exact consquences over and over and I don't even play when I'm alone I'm doing self forgiveness or singing to myself or sometimes.

What I realized though is that even if I just tone down how much I play at work by a lot I'll always be living the word play it's a part of my expression I think.

I'd just like to tone it down a lot and look at some other words and priorities to live and also cut the personality element out somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word play for other's not really coming from what I'd like to give to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at other's for not appreciating how I live the word play for them where I see I also do live it for myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word play in relationship to other's because I don't actually want to work with others and rather keep to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word play in relationship to other's as an expression of not caring at all about my relationship to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to default on living play with others as my main word at work where I don't know why I even live this word and am starting to accept it's more of a personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify even potentially letting a total personality direct me at work where I'm at work all the time that stuff adds up really fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to change my interactions and what I'm expressing at work and facing resistance from others for changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I can't stay the way I am in relationship to playing around at work either without facing resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to tell which character best holds up to protecting my job security and relationships at work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to recognize that at the center of keeping my jobs and managing my jobs is just coming in and doing the work that is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern myself with creating relationships beyond immidetely taking care of the work that need to be done when it's leading to complications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let complications come up at work where all that really matters that I must focus on to maintain my job first and foremost Is getting the work done.

When and as I see myself going into my play personality at work, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can live and express play but should for my own benefit and stability of myself and other's make sure that I'm getting my work done, thus, I commit myself to focus getting my work done over playing around with others.

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up on playing all together when I don't even know how that would be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear completely abdanoing the word play at work where to take it that far would be reaching a point of supression and would not really be stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate and trust that play will always be a part of work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that appreciating and living other words in realitionship to work doesn't mean I forget or give up on having fun at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to balance all these words where if done best it is just a natraul flowing part of my expression which I shouldn't even have to think about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live solitude in relationship to work where I can step away from all my problems outside of work and just be alone with my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to how I live the word play create problems for myself at work where then there's no where to run at that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessarily conflict at work through how I live the word play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to blame other's for his they respond to how I live the word play as not being my fault.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see in common sense when I am responding to other's responded to me I'm literally creating my own problems externally through this frustration like 'fuck it I'm going to be super expressive becuase I'm so pent up I don't care what happens anymore.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live play at work to supress how pent up I am at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress hoenpent up I am as if I am not able to just stop being pent up directly instead of indirectly doing so through living the word play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of supression as playfulness instead of just pushing through end dealing with my internal conflict directly.

When and as I see myself supressing how pent up I am at work through playfulness, I stop, I breathe, I realize that my playfulness is compromising bevsier of the place I can see it is clearly been coming from, thus, I commit myself to play to express myself not to supress how pent up I am.

I commit myself to up end myself at work and uprooting myself from my pent up ness.

I commit myself to live the word freedom in realationship to work where I have 3 jobs and don't even need more then 1 and so in reality if I just go in and do the work I need to nothing else matters at all as far as I need to be concerned.

Day 319- the elite and the boogeymen

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Sometimes I get afraid that having any assosstion with desteni will lead to the government coming after me, the elite sending their boogymen after me.

It's a simple and perfect fear.

No way to substantiate, no way to ever know, the perfect Boogeyman always there in the shadows, making myself see things in the dark that aren't there, that were never there.

That the elite will see that desteni has the tools to change ourselves and people coming together to use them, to be the change they want to see.

What I see, which is very relevant, is that I'm my own boogeyman, what I fear the government doing to me the elites doing to me, I manifest and create for myself already in the most sickening frightening ways.

Exactly what I fear of the government doing to me the elites doing to me, I did instead to myself to a tee.

The government the elites has been not yet successful in suppressing Desteni, but I on the other hand have been unquestionably successful in suppressing myself when I left Desteni when I left self forgiveness.

The government and elites have not yet succeeded in slandering Desteni in making everyone within Desteni everyone using and applying self forgiveness as loons as degenerates, but I have been very successful in wielding the name of self forgiveness of Desteni and proceeding to act in degenerative ways towards myself and other's to slander myself and others.

In all the ways that the government the elite have failed to manifest my fears my paranoia, I have been very successful in manifesting them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the elite always being around the corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm a threat to the elite in proposing a real change through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide away where 'they' can't find me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the elite catching wind of Desteni
and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I'm already giving the elite a perfect psycological profile to use against me, like... literally everything about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it would be for the elite to use the transperency of self forgiveness to know how to manipulate me or other's in knowing what things me or other's are still working on and are sensative about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the elite could show up at any moment and destroy everything the people within Desteni are working towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a martyr standing up for change in the most real way sharing it with other's and having to be put down or slandered for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to go up against the elite when I'm already having such a hard time going up against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I woudn't stand a chance against what the elite could in my mind theoretically throw at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with reality where I go into paranoia and all of sudden anything is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my breaking point would be where I would no longer have the courage to speak out to make my voice heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself go into fear and isolation before any real threat of such things happening has even occured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this backchat possess me of 'I know it's going to happen it must happen at some point.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to ever make the choice of having to stay or go from being open and expressive about Desteni to having to isolate myself in the face of persecution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I've been my own government, my own elite.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that these thoughts and ideas of what the elite would do in persecuting me I've already done in persecuting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see what I fear of the elite and goverment focing me into isolation is what I have already done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the government and the elite in my mind is just an echo of myself and what I have already and still create in paranoia distrust slander manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize my own abuse onto the governement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the government and elite responsabile for what I do to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut away all these parts of myself that I've created and use them to then paint a picture of some boogeyman out there when all the pieces I've created of the boogeyman is coming from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that somewhere somehow the boogeyman is going to creep into my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that each time I've blamed the illuminati for all the problems in the world I took myself out of the equation and said this world and me is their problem to fix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I knew some great secret about there being a ruling class where when I look around it's become a meme such a common known fact that it's joked about, it's irrelevant it's obvious that there's a ruling class because of how the money is distrubuted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the boogeyman of those who suffer, where I take from the suffering of other's in my products my consuming, without question or consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the boogeyman of those in poverty where I hoard my wealth do nothing with my potential to change and in my actions tolerate everything that is occuring in the world as not having anything to do with me.

When and as I see myself fearing the elite sending their boogeymen to get me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm the boogeyman, thus, I commit myself to stand with Desteni and self forgiveness and make it visible and clear what I'm doing and what's availbe in terms of information and supoprt as long as I can bare to do so against myself letting fear influence me.

I commit myself to see how far I can go in standing up within self forgiveness and making it visible and clear that it can be traced back.

I commit myself to make it clear once I change if I ever change how I did so, where there's no point in just changing myself without extending that to other's so that it can reach the whole globe one day.