Yesterday I wrote about how I overload myself when I force myself to look for and seek out things to be directive over within my mind, and about how I am perpetuating ever more mental detachment within that process. I realize how being self directive in each moment is not just an idea to be obtained.
On the other side of the spectrum there is the point in my expiernce where I feel like I am in limbo. Breathing through and directing only things that are particularly bothering me, and not really decisive or devoted to any particular mental construct I want to pursue.
I realize how I have created this paradigm where I see myself as my own thoughts and ideas and expierences. I see how in trying to manipulate these constructs to ‘bend before me’ I am only hardwiring myself within this paradigm of either ‘On a roll in my mental participation’ or ’waiting for an oppritunity to assert myself into the mental gymnastic’ or after being totally rock bottom burnt out ‘just waiting for something to happen.’
I realize that there is always something happening within my experience of myself through my own mind and perception.
I realize that I am not being self honest and self directive when I see myself ‘going nuts’ trying to acquire peace of mind and bending over backwards to create some elaborate system within my mind and participation where I will myself into that state of mind of perfection and seeking all the benefits I imagine coinciding, and not realizing that I’m not really participating in an efficient way that could not even obtain my goals if they were obtainable as I imagine them.
Since addressing just one small piece of the paradigm I’ve found myself in, I have seen improvement, and wonder if I could do better by finding another point to write about.
One thing that is important to me is my job’s. I know that in writing for myself to be better, that it will transfer over to my efficiency and performance in my job. I have seen how the mind can affect the body, and how in writing out my mental participation it can support my body, or even simply put less stress on my body.
Because I know that I can do my best even if I am mentally not being supportive or practical, I want to write about a specific point in my work that could still translate to help me be successful as a worker.
In just thinking about wanting to do better at my work, I can see how in part why I want to do better is I fear being fired for not doing or being good enough at my employment.
I feel like it would be good to address that fear of having to leave one job station and have to go find another. To go through the application and employment process all over again, and not knowing if I will find a job I can be productive at.
I could write in about something that could pertain to me doing better at my current jobs, but I realize how in this job economy it is better to cover my bases, which means for any reason I could need to go job hunting again.
In thinking about my memories and feelings regarding job hunting, I can see what basic things to cover.
I realize being employed is important in being able to support yourself, and you never know what’s happening behind the scene at a business, and thus don’t know if they will be able to take you on, or if they are seeking to hire.
I see how I can support myself by being level headed, calm, and pacing myself while job hunting, and not ‘freaking out, that I am being left to my own devices with no guarantee of success’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go along with the idea that everyone is out for themselves, when I think about all the things in the world I view as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not prepared myself for the realities I must face as a human being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my life does not consist of the perfect reality I would like the world to be.
I see that fearing that I must face the hash reality of job hunting is not supporting my idea of a perfect world.
I see that in a perfect world you do not fear being unable to support yourself financially.
I see how I can create that perfect world by not fearing job hunting, and simply doing my best at job hunting, should I ever need to job hunt again.
I see how I create detachment form the world when I fear it for not being what I think it should be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not find a job while job hunting and will have failed.
I realize I need an income sufficient enough to support me living in a home and having food, to not be homeless and without food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being homeless and without food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the emotional hardships that can come with being rejected from a job application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my reaction to being denied a job position.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give onto myself the system of keep trying, don’t give up, and do your best.
When I recognize my reactions to job hunting, and stop breathe, and correct myself, I am able to function and do better, and thus support my mind, and my career, because having a healthy body and mind allows me to think and apply reason better when trying to find a job.
I commit myself to do my best for myself weither I am employed, or am job seeking, and to breathe through the experiences and reactions I have one breathe at a time.
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Although I cannot self honestly commit myself to writing everyday, because I have found myself easily deciding I prefer not to write, or don’t like certain things about writing self forgiveness, by myself or in the destonian community, or because I don’t like to feel as if I have to write everyday, and how it can feel like a chore, or burden.
I realize these are things that I could simply write through if I wanted, and that at the very minimum I know that I enjoy writing self forgiveness, I think it is a very good thing, and that I see that if everyone did it we would have a perfect world, and that I could create that world by writing for everyone as myself as one part of everything equal.
I have a lot of layers built up surrounding writing self forgiveness from before I started to while, and to after I had not written for a prolonged period of time.
Once again I can easily address these experiences one grain at a time through how specific I can be by writing them out.
For today, I commit myself to have at least one thought of thinking about whiether or not I will write again for the 3rd consecutive day starting tomorrow since my withdraw from writing self forgiveness regularly.
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