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Being diciplined is not easy
I'm not being very cooperative on being diciplined within myself and my living.
I've isolated my dicipline problems to entertainment.
I will just sit there watching videos and playing games and I just completely snuff out the part of me saying to stop and go do something productive.
I have my moments where I do a really good job, but then I'm just in a tug of war with moments.
So I was looking at entertainment and got some good Intel.
I was thinking about how that what is it I get from just zoning out and watching these vidoes or even a show or playing a game.
There's really nothing, my card game I play Is the closest thing to critical strategizing and analyzing and thinking planning ect... But even still I should be able to manage that I only play for an appropriate amount of time each day, but then I'll want to go do something else.
So I was thinking it's just an additctiion
If I can't stop myself when I'm supposed to it's just stimulas hiding from how reality is big and scary but easily hidden from through games and media
Then when I have to go to work, I'm like... I wish I had done something more productive and had written more because now work is kicking my ass with consquences and it didn't have to be this way.
So that's the split personality.
One personality likes to just hide and supress maybe things just get better on their own.
The other is like I got the picture here there's no hiding.
I gotta shut down both of these personalities within me becuase they are at war with each other and one of them is pretty mean to the other one not going to name which one it is to not make it personal.
So there's possibly the important thing that it's seeing entertainment and going over my entertainment time as an addiction.
It is fullfilling to just wake up and watch videos and playing games before work, Because work is going to be stressful no matter how much I write it out so instead I just try to get high off entertainment before the low of work.
Then for all that it is, by the time I go to work I am high, I'm high off the stimulus of entertainment.
I'm like in a passive haze, the consquences of getting high off entertainment which then dulls me out at work like I never really even woke up just stayed in a haze all mourning before work then remain in that haze through work, then after work my decesion making is still wonkus because of this haze I've been in.
Then maybe I find some more ways to stimulate musled after work go to bed early and maybe I do this pattern for the rest of my life, just in a haze.
What's the point?
What is the point that sticks out?
What is the point that I can write out in self forgiveness from here?
I could say... Stop being lazy and just do it!
That's valid for a little... Until the point that is the real problem comes back with vengeance.
So I need the point so I can do this for real.
I'll need time to keep rooting it out.
For now an important point is that I see entertainment as something that has power over me.
I see my life as not fullfilled without copius amounts of entertainment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrenching in my gut like I need to get high off entertainment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this wrenching in my gut as showing me look at how uncomfortable I am without blowing my time on media I need to feed my addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the reality I know that my wrenching for entertainment physically is how I have designed myself through energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this wrenching in my stomach of discomfort and unsettledness where part of stopping this programing at some point will have to include me not giving in and making it clear that I'm not going to let this feeling I've developed decide how I spend my time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with the knowledge that this is just a system the more I stop participating and recreate myself the lesser it's influence over me will be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder when I will take my stand against this system of entertainment addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that this time will be the time when I know that's also a system I use to create the illusion of progression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having faultering as having lost my progress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having lost progress when I'm still in this to see it through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use knowing that I'm in if to see it through eventually as an excuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that I'll get there eventually and thus get in my own way because I'll get there eventually why even try.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not try harder to support myself where I know time matters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with time where the more time I waste in not pushing myself harder the more consquences catch up to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can beat the consquences and somehow giving into the entertainment will not create consquences where, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consquences isn't in giving into the system of entertainment, it's the consquences of what I'm not doing as writting and taking self responsability for doing productive things.
When and as I see myself fearing the consquences of giving into entertainment more then I'm supposed to in a single day, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the consquences are of what I'm not doing not the entertainment itself, thus, I commit myself to see into the future of what consquences will come of not managing my time properly when I see myself about to go over my entertainment time for the day.
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