Day 328- entertainment as purpose

Investigate desteni.org

Recently I've been making a habit of looking at myself on a deep level, finding a word that I am experiencing.

So it's like looking at who I am in my expression right there on the spot.

So instead of waiting for something to come up to dig into right now I can instead look at my expression right now and find something that's happening.

So, I feel heavy.

In working with my relationship to entertainment, I feel very heavy.

Like I get out of work and I want to watch some funny videos or listen to a song or watch tv...

So now what I see already is that I get a high off of doing that when I get home from work.

But now that I'm been consistently working on my relationship to entertainment and pushing myself to manage how much time I spend on media and to reduce it substantially, I'm hit with just how heavy I feel without being able to go into that realm, like it's another realm of existence like a dream.

What I think right now is... If I am really serious about how much time I spend on entertainment and then can't just rely on being able to compromise myself and binge on media/entertainment, then what's left for me?

I could go back to work... Write... Develop my other hobbies...

It puts me in a situation where I have to adapt...

That's all cool, the things that are potentially opening up, how I have been enjoying work more and more each day. Enjoying just being at work, to just be working.

It's all hit and miss right now though so I need to keep working toward actually being consistent everyday in my relationship to entertainment/media and how I'm managing it to make sure I'm being disciplined to focus the majority of my time outside of work not on entertainment but on self improvement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened by my limits on entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety and stress in relationship to cutting down on my entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist re-creating myself in a new way without as much entertainment and media fullfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety in re-creating myself to apply myself in other ways then media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into my anxiety and stress in relationship to being without as much entertainment/media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my stress and anxiety about not having media and entertainment that I then go into stress and anxiety to force myself to cave in like caving into a crying baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a crying baby going into anxiety and stress without stimulus in media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being weak for not being able to step away from my addiction without having to slowly approach how I manage my entertainment time/ my doses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to put into words the powerful experience that I have in relationship to media/ media outlets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I have created fullfillment and total pleasure and purpose within myself in the act of totally pacifying myself and just watching a screen without any direct interaction or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what kind of person I've allowed myself to be in placing my purpose in checking out completely and just watching a screen and feeding my impulse and stimulus in videos and games.

When and as I see myself becoming anxious about not being able to be fullfilled through media, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can be more fullfillled in actually doing things with myself and precisely managing how much time I spend on media, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself going over how much time I would schdule for myself to have in media to question what is it I'm trying to get out of this moment?

For example to this commitment... I got home and when I got on my computer it had the last thing I had watched on youtube up which was a Hearthstone tournament which is the card game I like...

So immidetely I impulsively want to just watch this tournament be a part of the excitement of a tournament, the suspense, the community, the purpose...

So that's what I all wanted out of it.

And what I did in this case was I saw what decks they were using and in self honesty admitted to myself this would not be that interesting of a match at all, because these two decks were both very liner and not based around a lot of decisions.

So in that moment of seeing... This is like watching two people flipping coins I was able to pull myself out and see the reality of this particular match.

So then in the future instead of just impulsively watching as much hearthstone and playing as much as I can I can spend the time I do dedicate to entertainment for the day more practically in watching a match up that is actually involving more interesting decks that aren't based on who draws enough damage to win first.

That's really cool thing I did here because Hearthstone is my biggest thing I do wihtin media, which is cool because I don't have to deal with tons and tons of diffrent tv shows and diffrent media outlets
my entertainment is ususally based entirely around Hearthstone and just youtube videos, both just has to do with a sense of community, but being able to pinpoint the things that I am addicted to specefically in media allows a much easier time in adressing them and writing them out and figuring out how I will change and apply myself.