Day 326- false character of 'dicipline'

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I had this experience of doing what I normally do as putting in the least amount of effort I could into my writing and other activities, some things I've just comepelty put off for an unknown time.

Same thing I have always done my whole life, but I see myself at an empass like, I didn't go into negatively of being lazy today or a few days before that also, I was just stating to myself that I'll get there it's no big deal, like I've lost that fire of the panic like 'I'm lazy I'm not getting anywhere', so then from there I have the chance to really move myself for real, I could move myself to diciplined instead of being moved by my fear, I could be persistent for real instead of being moved by fear of what will happen if I'm not dicipline and moving myself in such a way.

Then I see how I have moved mysked into percieveing myself as diciplined as through somehow I'm on the right track even if all my real actions and movements are counter productive to what I view as dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my parents for letting me learn my own lessons and dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents when faced with how undicplined I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embrarssed that I am not able to contribute my life in a diciplined way and sticking to the dicipline I lay out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard dicipline because I'm slowly more content with my life each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I won't push myself to the next level and go further then just being more content each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to hate revealing to other's that I've failed in my efforts to become more diciplined and have only found out the depth of how undicplined I am but haven't been able to move myself where I have set myself to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for putting myself on blast as admitting my failure of becoming diciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about being diciplined when no one is around and no one will know how lazy I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowing how lazy I am where I shouldn't be potraying myself as diciplined as a character when the facts aren't lining up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in making claims of becoming something through dicipline I loose the real movement and action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been satisfied with appearing to be diciplined and Feelings like I was on the brink of dicipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with the intimacy of dicipline which I was becoming aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie through other's as speaking of myself as if I was almost there that I was in some ways already there where I then loose sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself up like I'm diciplined without seeing how this usage of my words subtracts me from my self hoensty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my agenda to reveal my lack of dicipline and deception without any clue if I am going to be able to follow through and actually become diciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diciplined in private where I'd then hold my dicipline In other in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having what it takes and being close where I then in my defenition don't look at the facts of how much work and effort and time will be required.

When and as I see myself creating a perception of myself as diciplined character, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've somehow managed to do basically the same things as before but now percieve myself as diciplined, thus, I commit myself to get diciplined for real by looking at the results instead of just painting this picture of myself as diciplined regardless of not having changed any of the things that I define as laziness which I have commited to change.